Need an objective look at this, I am so lost

[FailedAgain]

well, she is still very sick today but went to work. Having trouble getting her tests back from the lab to find out what's going on. Most of our convo today has centered around that. She said her boss came in a little bit ago, saw how sick she was and told her to go home, he would pay her for the rest of the day. So, thats good. Still just hanging in there with the concerned friend role.

Last night when I called her to check on her and was letting her go so she could go back to bed, she said the call meant a lot to her.

The only other thing to report is her response to an e-mail I wrote yesterday telling her about a dream I had.

Here is what I said:

I had a dream last night I was sitting in church on a Wed night talking to Clarence, and you walked up behind me hugged me from behind and surprised me being there.

Man I hate those dreams.

Here is what she said...

Dreams can come true, you know.

So, i didn't say anything to that because I have been sucked into that stuff before. I will believe it when I see it and other than that, it wasn't said.

[FailedAgain]

Well, more news and I honestly don't believe it. I called her earlier to check on her, no answer. She's calls me back about an hour later and tells me she got the results back from the Doc, etc. It is a Kidney Infection.

Anyway, we are about to hang up and she says...

Would you like to go out and do something Sunday after church together? I stayed calm even though I was thinking "WHAT!". So we planned to meet in a litte resort town north of here to eat lunch and walk through the shops. She said, "Good! It'll be like a real date!".

Now most of you will read this and say, wow! great news FA! But, unfortunatly, I have been down this road before. There is a difference this time though. I am a lot more grounded and comfortable with myself and being around her. I know I will do well on this date. I will keep my expectations in check, be myself and have a good time with my "Friend" and we'll see what happens.

It has been over a month since we looked on each others faces. Wish me luck!

[FailedAgain]

Well this thing 'may' be busted. We met at the place agreed on Sunday. She throwed her arms around me and kissed me. When I asked what she was doing, she said, "I'm kissing my husband." We talked a little while and she said she wanted to get back together and when the house sold for me to move in with her. (We were going to move to this place before this began.)

Anyway, I know I am not showing a lot of excitement. I just know we still have a lot of work to do and I just want to stay grounded so not to hurt continuing my DB'ing because I think the repairs are just now beginning. Things are 'looking' very positve. She surprised me at the house yesterday, we talked some more, and went out to eat. Even ML.

I'm a little damaged through all this though, and I want to make sure these changes in attitude are real before I completely let my guard down. I won't let it hurt the DB'ing though.

and BTW, she told me she got rid off OP, however she is still working there and the job she was trying to get to get out of there fell through. So, that is priority number one. New Job.

Pray for us guys, we're still going to need it.

[cat03]

Yey!! you are on the right track.
We've been burn and it's only natural you are cautious, I totally understand you, we all have learned here that anything is posible, so we have our Plan B stuck somewhere. I pray she gets a new job and that you guys get to be closer than ever, good luck!!!))))))))))))))))))

[piper12]

FA thanks for your reply to my post. You said some very helpful things. I just finished reading about your ordeal on this post and God I feel awful for you. You W sounds like me in some respects. The whole 'I need time to figure things out' thing. Two things come to mind about that because I was right there. One, you could be right about he thinking (at the time) that she damaged the relationship so much, that what's the use in trying to go back. I know I felt that way. Logically I knew where I should be and where I wanted to be, with my husband. At the same time, I do believe I became addicted to the OM, dreaming up some concoction of a perfect life (of course he would tell me that everything I ever wanted would happen, that's what fantasies are). In order for me to be of any use to my husband, and to break away from the OM, I had to actually physically leave.

The other thing that came to mind was when she said 'I'm kissing my husband'. From my perspective, if she is calling you her husband, then she means it. I know that in order for me to continue my A, I had to detach from my H. I would address him, but would never completely vaildate him by calling him my husband. When I got away from OM, and I could call my H 'husband', I meant it. I think that is a positive thing for you.

One thing I found interesting in your posts is that you are already focusing on your marriage, not the A.

[FailedAgain]

Yea, when we talked yesterday, she was very open and honest about what she was trying to do and my recent hunch was right. She was trying to get over me, past me or whatever you want to call it. Mentally she didn't want to be with me because of her pain. She stated she tried everything to get over me, this included her actions in the A.

I'm not sure I should post this, if she ever saw it she'd have a fit, but it may help someone. This is how and what she said about ending the A.

I simply asked her what the status was with you know who and this was her response. If she would not have been this brutally honest, I would not have believed a word of it. because she put it this way, it was easier to believe her, although I still have some small reservations.

"All I can say about him is he is so very sweet to me. He would do anything for me, I know that. And like I told you yesterday, I tried every way to get you out of my heart. He's really a great guy with alot to offer someone, but nobody can be you. I know that probably sounds juvenile, high school, I don't know. But nobody can be you. I don't want anyone else to be you.

I told him you and I were gonna try and work things out. He said all he wanted was for me to be happy, no matter what that meant. But I know me - I won't be able to continue to work with him and see him everyday in this small of an environment, and pretend like nothing ever happened. I have to get away from here. This job came when I needed it, but I don't need it anymore. Being here will be a constant reminder of a bad time in my life, and I want to get away from it. I'll be honest - I care for him very much. I guess I'd feel cheap if I didn't, I don't know. He's made me laugh when I needed it, let me cry when I needed it, and been very good to me and my daughter when we needed it.

Please know that it is very, very hard for me to tell you all these things for several reasons: because I don't want to hurt you, and because I'm embarrassed and ashamed. But we promised we'd be honest. It may be unfair for me to ask you, but I really would appreciate it if you would not try to contact him in any way. He did not put himself in the middle of this, I did. So if you want to yell and scream at me, I'll take it. I understand, I'd probably do the same."

Thanks all for what you have said. Folks, the DB'ing books and advice did a lot to help me find myself again and make the changes I needed to make. In my case, even with an A going on, it 'seems' to have made my wife look back at me and make it a lot harder to just mentally end it. Keep that in mind if it helps.

I still say we are on rocky ground. I will try to keep this updated as much as possible.

One thing I found interesting in your posts is that you are already focusing on your marriage, not the A.

Yep, because that is the problem, not the A.

[FailedAgain]

Just a quick update.

OP quit the Job yesterday, so he is gone and out of the picture. My W says she has cut all contact with him. She thought she was going to get the boot but right now things in that area may have changed. She is still looking for another job though, we both agree she needs to leave that place.

Now we are finally having the relationship talks and working on us. Sure wish we could have been doing this months agao, but I guess thats the way it goes. We have been discussing the future, where we will live, etc, which is very good because we have not discussed anything like that over the last 4.5 months. Other stuff has included the problems. It has been heated a few times, but not bad. Very draining though. Just keep the prayers flowing.

We see each other tonight again, for dinner and a walk in the park. We have been having R talks through e-mail all day and both whipped by that. We have agreed to set limits on when we talk about that stuff and when we don't. This is good. Tonight we are just going to have fun and enjoy each others company.

I will say, I'm still a little cautious, but she really does seem to be on board this time. Hope so, dont' wanna start over with the detachment.

[FailedAgain]

Update:

Thursdays night out went well. No R talk as agreed. We were both tired so there wasn't a lot of gut splitting laughter. It was relaxing and peacful though.

Friday was a surprise. There was a family event taking place and we had discussed it earlier in the week about whether I should come or not, she had said she didn't want me to. However, shortly after I got home from work on friday she called and told me she wanted me to come . This also gave me a chance to interact a little with SD13. At first it was uncomfortable with her, but she and I loosened up a little as the evening went on. It was a very good time. I'm wondering how well DB'ing will work on a 13 yo girl? LOL. I'm gonna try.

Sunday was the most interesting day. Another surprise happening. As I have stated before, my W is diabetic. W and SD13 went to mall saturday to shop for school clothes. During the day my W blood sugar went up because of a insulin pump malfunction. This continued to a point by saturday night she was getting delierious. She had told me she was going to call me before she went to bed and the call never came. Things being the way they have been, and the fact she has done this many times before, I just got a little angry and figure she was playing another game, so I went on to bed and didn't worry about it.

The next morning she called me early to explain why she didn't call and what was going on. She had managed to get her sugar level back down from 500 to around 300, but still felt bad. After she explained what happen, of coarse I felt bad about being mad. She said she was still going to go to church and some other things the family had planned for the day. I just said OK and I hope you feel better.

While I was sitting in church, I sent her a txt message telling her about an event that is still going on we want to go to. She txt me back and told me she was sick. I asked her if she was still at home. She told me she was and that her mom and sister were there. OK, now I was worried cause she NEVER calls her mom unless it is bad. I txt her back and told her after church was over I was coming up there whether she liked it or not. She didn't argue and just say 'K'.

After getting up there I gladly waited on her hand on foot and we kept working on her sugar levels until we got them back down to a pretty good level, taking blood sugar tests every 20 minutes or so. She was starting to feel a lot better and asked me to get her a popscicle. I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheak before going to get it and when I did, she grabbed me and pulled me into the bed kissing and kissing and kissing me! I was like whoa! your feeling better! you can guess what happened next . When I looked into her eyes, there were little tears rolling down. She said she missed me so much and thanked me for taking care of her.

Is this romance novel material? I think so! LOL

The rest of the day was wonderful. I spent the rest of the day and evening with her and her family. More good connection with SD13, although still have work to do there. When I left last night she walked me to the car. We were both kinda giddy. I said it was like we were dating again and she laighed and said, 'Yea, it is, but we have a license to have sex, LOL'

I don't want to jinks anything, but I would say we are finally on a road to recovery! When I got home, the first thing I did was get on my knees and thank God for everything he has done to help me and repair my R with my W.

AMEN!!!

[FailedAgain]

I decided to write my SD13 a letter. I ran it by my W and she said it sounded great! But, I should mail it to her so she knows it came directly from me, not through her. That was good advise. The leter is on the way through snail mail. I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to get it. Getting on the right road with her is the last big thing keeping us out from under the same roof. I can tell my W is also anxious to get this resolved so we can spend more time together. I think she is a little reluctant to discuss it with her. I think she feels better that I am the one doing it now.

Here's the letter:

[name removed],

This is hard for me to write and put into words how I feel so bear with me. I honestly don’t know exactly how you feel about me, but I wanted to do something to tell you how I feel about you, and try to express myself and my feelings, past and present.



First, I want to apologize for not spending the time with you I should have in the past. I won’t make excuses for my thinking and feelings, only to say I was wrong, I didn’t look at things the way I should have. I know saying I’m sorry about that does little to make you feel better. The relationship we did have in the beginning started off very well and I understand I let you down as the years went by. I know you must have had a lot of resentment towards me, not only for that, but because my presence came between you and your mom. I just want you to know, I understand this and you were completely right to feel the way you have felt. All I can do now is say I am sorry, and I know it is pathetic.



I do love you and miss you. I especially miss the times when you would give me a hug, like at church or something. It always left me feeling good and wondering what I did to deserve it. I miss laughing with you, I miss hearing your impressions, I miss helping you with school work although I know I sucked at it. You’ll never know how good I felt to help you with the projects we did last year and you got such good grades on them. You will never know how proud I have been of you. All I know to tell you now is I would love to be an active part of your life in some way. I don’t know what you would want that to be. A good friend, a Dad-Like figure, I don’t know. I just want you to know, just like your Mom, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I will always be there for you good times and bad. I know words are words but if you will just let me in a little, I will show you in time. You and your Mom are the most important things on the face of the earth to me and nothing will ever come before yall.



I wish I could explain a lot of things to you, it’s just at this point, they seem meaningless and are not going to wash away my misguided attitudes. [name removed], I want you to know, I will NEVER come between, or get between, you and your Mom. Your relationship with her is very important to me. I know you want to have a lot of [name removed]/Mom time, I think that is great and you guys do whatever you want, whenever you want. If you ever wanted me to tag along, I’d be more than happy to.



Lastly, I want you to know, if you ever want to talk to me and tell me how you feel or felt I am always here. I don’t know if you would feel uncomfortable or would rather not talk to me about it. I just want you to know you can, all I will do is listen. You can talk to me however you want. You can tell me anything however you need to tell me. If you need to bless me out, then you can. I just want to listen. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s OK too.



All I want to do is wrap my arms around you and tell you I love you in person. I look forward to the day I can.




She talked to me quite a bit on Sunday and asked me to cut an apple up for her we picked off the apple trees. I can tell she is testing the waters, but there are obviously some unresolved feelings and I hope this goes a long way to get things going in the right direction.

[FailedAgain]

Just Journaling:

I'm ill today, as in frustrated. I sit here and think about why and I don't really have a rational reason to be. It seems when my W and I get together, everything just melts away, we are both happy and have fun, but then when we both have to go back to our temporary seperate lives, my detachment starts to slowly return, hers also to some degree. After a day or two I start thinking suspiscious thoughts and wonder if I am being led along again. At this point, I am fairly sure this is all irrational thinking, because 'action' has shown different. I guess my feelings and trust are a little raw.

When this whole thing began, I tried to focus on only the positive aspects of what was going on and ignore the negative. Mostly to keep my spirits up. Now that there seems to be a whole lot more positive than negative, I seem to be looking for any sign that something deceatful is going on. I must be in protection mode.

The only reason I have for feeling this way is phone calls. We talk in e-mail all day when we are both at work, and she will usually call me a couple of times 'when she is on the road', but I rarely get phone calls in the evening just to talk for a while. The last 2 times she said she would call me in the evening, she didn't. The last one was for good reason, if thats what really happened. Yesterday we talked at about 3pm and she just said she would talk to me tomorrow.

I know this sounds petty, and it is, but it is out of 'normal' behavior in my opinion. She could tell I was a little irritated by it last night, so this morning I get a call at 6:30am, her telling me she was sick again, but this time it was over some asian food and yes, her blood sugar was a little high again.

I just feel manipulated sometimes. Maybe at this point I am over cautious. It's just, when someone professes all these feelings for you, seems only natual they would want to talk a lot to you and spend a lot of time with you. Even though things are 10x better on the surface, i'm not seeing all the 'little things' i would think i would see.

Anyway, hopefully the letter will reach SD13 today. If not today, tomorrow. This will be a big step getting those issues worked out. I hope the letter makes a difference. I haven't talked to my W about any of these feelings. Things 'seem' to be going good and I want to try and just deal with it myself right now, cause by tomorrow they could go away.

Just feeling a lot of anxiaty today for some reason.