She's doing some thinking. That is great to hear. She's not able to just shut down and truck on. Just keep trying to be the best friend you can be here. That can be hard sometimes. I know sometimes I think "I don't give a damn how you think or feel", that's what hurt and pain does to us. But we can only try to do our best. If that's not enough, it's not enough.
That quote from the OM is priceless. Who is your W dating, George Bush? You should enter it on the "Stupidest things said..." thread even though it wasn't said by your S (actually upon review it was said by your W, so it's a perfect fit!), it sure rates an entry! Keep me posted.
Yep…I’m still here. W and D7 have been back for a couple of weeks now, and things are still touch and go. I’m spending lots of time with D7, so that is good….that is still the main purpose for them coming back and is still my #1 goal. W is still determined, or, as she says, “resolved”, to D me and then jump into a serious relationship, if not a marriage, with OM. She spends every 2nd or 3rd night with OM. She has stated to me that there is “no hope” for us, and that our M is definitely over…with or without OM. I try to give her space and detach…we still go out for family dinners once or twice a week, and there are weekend activities. She has apparently lost her job in the OM’s hospital, and OM is now under an informal military investigation. What exactly the investigation is about hasn’t been disclosed…it could be just to see if he exercised undue influence when she was hired for the job, or it could be the whole adultery issue. If it is the adultery issue, he could very well be issued an official “no contact” order…that would mean they couldn’t communicate at all until he is D’ed or retired from the military. I’m not sure if that would be an advantage or disadvantage. The W and I are still friendly…maybe even very friendly at times. She still seems down in the dumps a lot. She surfed the web for divorce lawyers, but says she hasn’t contacted one. She bought a book called “The Good Divorce” and is reading it…she doesn’t think I saw her stuff it in her backpack. She is constantly checking for emails or IMs from the OM, even though she told me she “is hardly ever on the email”. I guess “hardly ever” means the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night…oh well…not much I can do there. Starting the week of 11 Sep, I will be pretty much out of town for the rest of Sep…that means she will be at home with D7 and unable to spend nights with OM. Now that this investigation thing is on-going, I also don’t think he will be slipping away from work to meet her during the day, either. One of my TDYs is back to the US…I took advantage and bought a ticket to see one of our favorite bands (Live, in Dallas). She almost turned visibly green. I said, “Don’t worry…I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunities to go to concerts, since the OM likes this kind of music so much…” Of course, that is not the OM’s flavor of music at all…that comment got a half smile out of her. It is pretty hard here in this small community where everybody…and I do mean EVERYBODY pretty much knows what is going on. I think my W is pretty much being either ignored or scorned….I have no idea what folks think of me. By Christmas I should know my next assignment…we’ll see what happens. I have added about 40 lbs to my bench press since this thing started…so, in the end, I may just beat the crap out of OM and be done with it (just kidding).
Sometimes those little digs are just too good to let pass, aren't they! Enjoy the concert, you deserve it! I sometimes think about you poor guys whose S's are sleeping over at the OP's regularly. Wow, that would be difficult to deal with. My W doesn't do that. Once she asked for permission and I said "I can't give you permission, you do what you want but I can't give permission" She went once ("we don't do anything!) and never again. I can sure understand your angst about beating the crap out of the OM. But, I guess we all have to realize that the OP is not to blame here. It was our S's who decided to forsake their M vows and start another R. It's hard sometimes for us to see that and kind of easier to blame the OP. Keep well.
Yeah...my W didn't ask for permission, she just tells me she's "going out". She knows it bothers me very much, and I'm not very socialable when it happens. But...the fact that we are overseas complicates matters. Honestly, if we were in the States, she would probably have moved out by now...and I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing. That's just not really a viable option here. Well...what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger...isn't that the way the saying goes?
I know what you're saying. I'm still not Mr. Happy whenever she goes out for her weekly energizer with OP but, hey, I'm human. Are we guys supposed to kiss them on the cheek and call lovingly "use protection"? I'm not there yet! So, what are your DB plans these days. Got anything new and exciting up your sleeve aside from physical assaults planned for the OM ? Any 180's etc. I'd love to hear em.
Well…I’m having to work hard to come up with 180s. One of the things I have done is to start telling her how I really feel about situations. When she has spent the night at OM’s, I no longer just put my head down and keep going…if she asks “What’s wrong” I say “You just spent the night with another man and I’m pissed”. So…in general I’m just being a little more “manly” and “forceful” when discussing situations. That’s something I didn’t do before. I’m spending lots of time with D7…the last two weekends, we spent all afternoon/night on Friday and all day Sunday together, just the two of us. I’ve been out a couple of times by myself, something I’ve never done before. I’m still working out a lot, but I had started that before “the bomb”, so I don’t really think you can call that a 180. I did so many 180s before, it is just hard to come up with obvious ones.
The W is funny…now she says when we met she thinks she was looking for someone to give her love and attention and to care for her. She needed that to feel good about herself, but she thinks she overlooked the fact that we weren’t compatible. Typical “we got together for the wrong reasons” logic. I said, “ I think we’re pretty darn compatible now”…she said “I just think we’ve learned to get along and like the same things”…duh…am I missing something??? I know she has looked at the zodiac crap that says she and OM (Gemini & Leo) are “made” for each other, whereas she and I (Gemini & Pices) are a tough sell. Of course…I pointed out that according to the Chinese zodiac, she and I are the most compatible you can get (Ox and Cock…and yes, I’m the Cock). What a trip.
Yesterday the W had to go see the Army investigator for an interview. She was pretty upset. I think she is starting to have friction with OM over his handling of the sych. OM has basically “lawyered up” as opposed to just coming clean and telling the whole truth about their affair. My W also did not disclose any info. OM is not making any moves to put in retirement paperwork, etc. etc. W says he’s not doing these things because he’s “in his comfort zone and is apprehensive about starting a new life”….typical selfish MLC attitude. I told here that if OM drags this whole affair into a jury by court marital trial, I would be highly pissed off. Basically, he could avoid that by just coming clean, but he apparently is worried about his reputation.
So…the W is now seriously thinking of leaving. She may go back to the US and live with her parents for awhile, and then look for a job. She says if I can work out the details, it might be possible for D7 to stay with me. I don’t know what this means for relationship with OM…he can’t leave here until next summer. I told her we needed to sit down when we had time and talk this over. She had not discussed this with OM, so there is no telling what will happen next. I will be out of town for the next 3.5 weeks, so she will be alone with D7 and can’t go see the OM…at least not the way she does now. We’ll see what happens…
How does she respond when you tell her how pissed of you are with her sleeping arrangements? I'm sure it makes you feel good but is it helping your sitch? Will it push her farther away? I know you feel like you've been a doormat and let her think you don't care but see if there are other ways of showing you care, might be more fruitful. I'd also be careful of falling into the idea that you can convince her that she is wrong. When she says you aren't compatible its natural to want to convince her she is wrong. But, that does not validate her it says "You are wrong again". There are ways of saying that you recognize what she is saying whether you agree or not. "Wow, it must be hard being here and feeling that way about us"... whatever. Listing all the reasons she is wrong doesn't work. I've been there, done that! Just my thoughts for today. I'd like to validate you right now but I got to run (just like a man, isn't it ) Keep at it, guy this game is far from over!
? Any 180's etc. I'd love to hear em.