I certainly do not plan to push her, but as of right now it doesn't look like I need to anyway. I KNOW that she realizes something is going on with her. She has periodically told me this for years. I'm pretty sure she will continue to see the counselor when she gets home, but if she doesn't I'm not going to bring it up. I am trying to "recaputure" some of things I was doing when we first met. I read through some of our old "love letters" and the thing that struck me was the way she said she felt so comfortable with me and how she felt she could tell me anything. Somewhere along the way we lost that, and I think it was a major factor in our first near D experience. After that, I've been walking on egg shells for 4 years, trying not to push her, and we haven't communicated like two people in love should. We've actually talked more the since "the bomb" than we have in a long time. So...I'm doing the rope-a-dope and hanging on....not many other options at this point.
Sounds like you've got a plan. Go with it! Try to enjoy your time away from her right now. It can be rejuvenating. I've just spent a few weeks away from my spouse too. It's great not having to walk on egg shells and analyze every thought and feeling etc. Make this a good time for yourself. Keep us posted.
...into these situations. I'm not asking because I'm plotting to get the in-laws "on my side". My W & D7 are at my in-laws for several weeks (pre-planned trip prior to bomb). Last night I called to talk to D7 and ran smack into my upset MIL. The W spilled the whole story to her. Apparently MIL got the same story I got...the feelings never came back, and now I love OM. MIL and FIL are upset, seem to think W may be making a mistake, and they are unhappy about the affair (I said "you are certainly preaching to the choir"). MIL says this is a continuing pattern with W, W has always had problems with relationships, and she feels W needs to "grow up". I simply told MIL that I still loved W, did not want a D, and that I was primarily worried about D7. However, I also said the decision is up to W and there's not much I can do right now. I have a very good relationship with in-laws, but I have no plan to discuss this with them again, or to try and influence them. In laws celebrate thier 35 anniversary next month. They went through 24 years of a military career and MIL is a recovering alcoholic, so they know a little something about marriage issues.
What experiences have others had with this? Could the in-laws disapproval of the sych drive W further away? My W and MIL have a close, but sometimes hot and cold relationship.
That's usually an easy question to answer. Think about the last time you had a family member or friend who didn't agree with what you were doing. They kept trying to get you to change your stance. Did you feel like spending time or being close to them?
W has to figure this out for herself. Anything that you do to the contrary is going to make her back off. Nobody likes to be told that they are wrong, even if they really are wrong. I wouldn't have the family come down on her if I was you.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
As a matter of fact, I just spoke to the W on the phone. Now her Dad is in the mix. He would like for W and D7 to come back here, pack up, and come back to stay with them. She told him she didn't want to do that (for two reasons, I think...1) she knows I want to spend time with D7, and 2) the OM is here). W said he is sad but not surprised. Anything the MIL/FIL say to her will be of their own accord. I will say this though...this whole sych is crazy. The W pipes up and tells me the OM's S16 still doesn't want to have much to do with him (duh). But...get this...according to the OM it is because his S16 now realizes that his "childhood is over" because he will be "forced by the OM's W" to stay and take on the "man of the house" role. Ya gotta be kidding me. OM leaves his W, and it is her fault that his son is feeling this way??? I guess he bears no responsibility. Then there's my W...supermom to our D7, yet she takes up with this guy who is basically walking away from his four kids in front of her eyes...he blames it on his horrible, terrible W and she eats it up. I'm starting to think I'm the only sane one here...
IMINTROUBLE, What rank are you? What rank is OM? I am guessing that OM is a Colonel. What is OMs' job? As a former Inf. officer myself I know honesty and integrity are part of the military code. If OM tries to BS his way through with his CO he is in deep pooh. If he is honest with CO then he will be told to stop A as an oreder. If he obeys said order he will be in the dog house for awhile and then be okay. If he disobeys he will then be in deep pooh, but not as bad as if he lies to CO. So...it seems as though fate is playing a hand in your sitch, for good or bad only time will tell. What is OMs' R with CO? Good, bad or indifferent? Good luck my friend.
...different services, different organizations, same base. (NATO job) OM is his COs deptuy at the base hospital...he's a former dustoff pilot. From what I gather, the CO is sticking his head in the sand on this one. OM and CO are on a friendly basis. Based on conversations with the OM's wife and another officer's wife, the CO knows what is going on. Apparently the CO is somewhat wishy washy on discipline matters and delates all of them to the OM...you can certainly see the problem there. The OM is over 20 years...I suspect that if he is given a "no contact" order there's a 50/50 chance he'll obey it. I suspect that in that situtation he'd be told to put in his retirement paperwork immediately and removed from his job. That is...unless somebody above his CO's head decides to make an example of him. If it gets that ugly, I'm sending the W and D7 back to her parents home in FLA.
Personally, I told my wife he was chickens**t for sneaking around and sleeping with another officer's wife and he had no business running an outhouse, much less a unit with several hundred troops.
Well...OM's W stopped by my house a couple of nights ago. She wanted to tell me that she and her 4 kids are headed back to the US...and they don't plan to come back. My W is due back with D7 in a little over a week. I wonder how this situation will play out? As I think I mentioned, W's parents are now in the know. They are not happy about the sych, especially MIL. Of course, they will have little to no impact. MIL told me she asked W what made her think OM was different from any of her other relationships...W replied it was "becasue of the way I feel". Yeah...she felt the same way about me 8 yrs ago. W keeps saying things that are totally irrational. I think most of this is stuff she's getting from OM. For example, after dropping the bomb a month ago, OM wanted his W to leave immediately. When she didn't do it, my W was highly critical of her for not removing the 4 kids from the situation. Now that she is going, W is afraid she will "try to turn OM's sister against him, and then OM won't have anybody on his side" (Apparently OM's sister lives very close to OM W's parents in the States). Of course, OM has cut off contact with his family, cause they all keep telling him he has lost it. This is complete crazy talk from my W...if this were anybody else but OM, she'd be spitting on him for walking out on 4 kids. Intead, he twists everything and blames it on his W, and my W eats it up. I think aliens have taken her.
I am worried that OM appears to be getting more reckless with this sych. My W took a job in the hospital he runs, but has not started yet. Both her father and I advised against it (seperately), but she did it anyway. The job is in a different area of the hospital, away from OM's office. But hold the phone...another job just opened up in the very office where OM works (HQ section). OM tried to convice his W to take the job my W just took so my W can take the other job and work with him on a daily basis. He says..."what...its just a job". He is looney...and if my W even considers this proposal, I'll know she is completely off her rocker.
Apparently the A is still white hot...lots of sex talk, romance talk, and plans for a future life (this coming from OM's W). It will definately be hard when W and D7 get back. My plan is to basically ignore W and let her do her thing while spending as much time as possible with D7.
Now that the shock has worn off and the W has been gone for two weeks, I'm starting to really feel angry at her. She has destroyed our family and helped destroy another. What really hurts the most is that after the last A she promised she would let me know that something was wrong long before anything happened...I had bulit up trust in her, and she just completely crushed it. Plus...I know it is all for nothing, as I can see her relationship patter repeating itself all over. MIL feels it might not be a bad idea to communicate this anger to W, in a calm manner of course. I'm going to see the MC tomorrow, and I plan to ask him about that CoA.
Yes, you were right before when you asked "Am I the only sane one here?" You are! It is truly amazing when you step back and are able to see the mess these people are making with their lives in search of "happiness"!!! My wife said "I guess we all have our own journey" but what she forgets is that this journey has a family attached. Oh well, that fact might burst a bubble somewhere. Stay the course, your daughter needs your sanity right now. Hang on!
