Goin’ with the Flow

[darmar]

Sounds like things are just there right now Andy. My experience with all the gift giving is to honour what they say. Even though deep down the would like gifts, actually not receiving them sends a message.
1 - I am respecting your wishes

Again I have found that with gift thing that asking isn't near as good as well thought out surprises.
What do you think of a motorcycle trip? A night at a B&B which is a good drive away. Membership i nthe Hells Angels?

Hey needing her to take you riding may not be a bad thing!

[ANS]

Thanks for dropping by, dar.

I've been trying to figure out why I didn't even get her a single rose (like Duchess said), and you've expressed it exactly.

I used to do the single rose thing a lot. It became meaningless, and even worse, a symbol of not honouring her wishes. That's why I stuck with the card.

The fact that I need to ride with someone isn't a good thing. Right now, the only person I know that I could ride with si W. She's told me that I have to find someone else. It's as simple as that.

But, I'm still hopeful that we can get away sometimes. The motorcycle trip is out of the question, though.

Andy

[bari]

Hey Andy!! You used to post on my thread under Newcomers, and I've been wondering where you were. Just wanted to say HI, and thanks for all the help and advice you gave me. I don't know your whole story, but hang in there and know that I'm praying for ya!!!!

[ANS]

This post is for everyone who thinks DB is ONLY about themselves.

A lot of people advise others to forget their SO and concentrate on themselves. I don’t disagree with this. It’s good advice and absolutely necessary in a lot of situations. Most of us are willing to do anything to save our R. Often, that means detaching and working on ourselves. The benefits of this strategy are that it gives our S the space they crave while facilitating our own personal growth. If we come out with a new and improved R, the individual growth developed by both of us is what makes the R work. If the R can’t be saved, then our own personal growth gives us the strength to move on with our life.

But, that’s not the whole story.

Last September, I posted my R goals. A lot of people chided me that these weren’t my goals. These were things that I wanted from my W, and I can’t force her to feel or behave the way I want. For example, one of my “goals” was that W would call me at work. There’s no way I could make her do that.

As readers of my threads know, it’s been very difficult for W and I to have any one-on-one time. The only time slot available seems to be early in the morning when I make coffee. This routine isn’t as successful as I would like, since it’s difficult to talk unless my exhausted W is lucid (not happening lately), and we aren’t interrupted by the kids (also pretty rare).

This morning, instead of making coffee, I left the bedroom, locked the door behind me, and kept S#2 quiet until it was time for me to go to work.

So, there’s Andy sitting at his desk when the phone rings. Guess who called to chat?

The moral of the story is simply this…

Though it’s true that you can’t make someone do something, you can change your behavior in such a way as to make them want to do something. Don’t confuse the ends with the means.

By all means, do not try to force a certain behavior on your S. That’s the fast track to failure.

But… slowlee, slowlee (it took me eight months for this) become the person that your S will want to do things with. Y’know? She didn’t call me because I wanted her to. She called me because she wanted to.

This “call me at work” thing may seem trivial. Fact is, compared to last September, it is. I’m not so desperate for it, and that’s precisely why she did it.

The irony is astounding, but that’s the way life is, isn’t it?

Andy

[lily]

Wow! I would do the huge font thing if I knew how. That little change was a nice butterfly, Andy!

I hope you receive more calls like that!

You inspire me, sir.

[greenbar]

ANS,

Funny how the old themes keep recurring and each time they rear their heads we find we have learned a little more.

You and I had a conversation about the role self-improvement plays in keeping solution focused back on January 17th on my old thread Menopause and MLC .

I went back and re-read that portion of the thread. At that time, I was trying to clarify the distinction between being controlling and exercising influence.

We must constantly attempt to always improve ourselves but we must not lose sight of our ultimate goal--that of reuniting and rebuilding our marriage.

[Duchess]

quote:Originally posted by Phoenix:
Hey Andy - wonder what would happen if Andy didn't make the coffee one morning but instead brought a nice cold glass or orange juice or something like it with a little flower or goofy thing she likes. Or maybe Andy dresses up like a gorrilla or Marilyn Monroe when he bring the coffee to the groggy wife. Without any expectations.

I'm not kidding.

Andy,sounds like you put the gorilla suit on.

I agree so much that our small changes can affect their behaviour.
EG.
Tues night, H went for a run..came back went for a swim in the pool.
Me trying to be the nice wifey takes him out a cold beer "Would you like a beer?"..."Not now, maybe later'..(this is kinda standard since bomb..I get responses like "Maybe","later","we could" if I offer him anything or suggest going out)
So last night, he's exercising..I have dinner cooking..I go out sit by the pool, drink a glass of wine and read the paper.Guess who comes out holding a can of beer, sits down and talks to me? (not for long)but there was the shift..small but important.

Duchess

[ May 16, 2002, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Duchess ]

[matilda]

Excellent move, Andy.

Those morning talks with you are obviously important to your W even if she is half asleep. Even if it's subconscious she is used to and likes that moment of connecting with you first thing in the morning. So what happens? Instead of your usual routine, you make a small change, let wifey sleep a little longer in peace and quiet. Wifey wakes up -- uh, oh, somethings missing -- oh, yeah, missed my talk with hubby this morning. That doesn't feel right. I think I'll call hubby at work. Ahh, that's better (for both of you ) Well done!!

Mattie

[ANS]

Greenbar’s comments about influence/control remind me of another incident that happened lately.

The other day, W told me flat-out that I will book an appointment with my doctor. I have a cyst that continues to grow, a sore hip that hinders my karate, and a smoker’s cough that’s gotten worse lately (I’ve been smoking a lot more than usual). I’m not particularly worried about any of these, but she was adamant.

Do I feel controlled? I kinda feel like she cares

Guess there’s no black and white in this area.

Duchess,

The small things that we do or fail to do throughout our R are what get us into trouble. Seems like modern living makes us take or SO for granted, and we drift apart.

So, it’s the small things that get us back on track. And, at the same pace as when we got derailed.

Yeah. Small shift… but important.

Andy

[ANS]

Just missed your post, Mattie. Thanks for dropping by.

Seems kinda like some of these "normal" things are starting to feel normal.

I kinda like "normal"

Andy