Well, things have been a bit up and down lately and I need some more wonderful advice from you Dbers. My H and I have been busy lately and haven't been spending alot of quality time together. I mentioned yesterday that I would like for us to do something fun together soon. H said that this made him feel pressured and resentful. Later last night, H was thrwoing party for his friend and he called and told em to come up and get some food (they are all chefs). I went up there and they were all playing music (all also musicians). I was there for 30 minutes and 3 songs before H even acknowldged my existence! He had time to talk to other people but couldn't say hi to me. When he finally did, I was mad and told him why. He blew it off like I was being unreasonable and said "I was playing music and having a good time, I wasn't worried about saying hi to you"! He also told me that he wouldn't feel bad if I ignored him if I was into something or doing something that I love. I remained upset the rest of the night but didn't show it. I tried to talk to him about it on the way home and he got pissy.
Eventually the night played out with him speaking VERY loudly and pointing at my face telling me that I have to be the focus of his attention at all times (which is BS) and that I was emotionally abusing him by talking about the situation and he didn't have to take it anymore. Furthermore, he told me that I was needing him too much again and he felt smothered!
I am VERY hurt and have had just about enough of him. He has been taking pot shots at me for weeks now. He always apologizes but now I'm beginning to wonder if I am needing him too much. I think he's starting to drive me crazy again. What's the best way to handle this situation?
Well, things are going downhill quickly! H is tired and wants me to walk home from work when I don't feel well because he wants to get home and nap ASAP. He informed me that he planned to take our friends out in the boat one day this weekend and I mentioned that next time I'd appreciate him checking with me next time before committing since I'll be involved also. He blew up on me! He told me I was like his mom and trying to "pigeonhole" him. Whatever! I told him I was just asking for consideration of my plans in the future and he told me that it wasn't a good time to talk and he hung up on me! WTF!!!! No wonder I was severely depressed and suicidal before...what a freaking lunatic! Oh, and he's convinced that he's right to act and feel this way
Chia, I think you have to slow down and let H slowly make that turn towards you. You are seeing when you pursue that the H reacts negatively. Surely your comment was small and he blew up for no good reason, but it is a slow transition towards your new and improved M. Just try to continue to do what works and see if you can let him initiate some activities. H is probably not in a great mood either if he is not getting enough sleep. Remember, it's still slowlee slowlee...
Thanks, John! You are right I do need to slow down. H had d freak out last night at bedtime and talked about how he has trouble balancing doing things that make him happy and things that make me happy. He says that he feels like he should be able to make decisions based on his happiness and I should be ok with it because it makes him happy. He also mentioned not liking the fact that he has to consider me in his decisions. All this on top of EF flaring up again.
If he's putting in 75% to the R...then you try and put in 70%. You really do want himn to chase you, but do it so as he doesnt notice.
As time goes on you can give more of yourself, just because he's home doesnt mean its a done deal. I bet you worked hard to get here, so whats another few months?
Chia, Even though your H is home you still have to follow Dbing rules. The wanting to be home and not any place else takes a while. I dont think you were wrong to tell him how you felt when he didnt acknowledge you at the party. I found when a issue came up that I wasnt going to tolerate this time around I wound get upset briefly, let him know and then carry on having a good time. If the things that upset you dont get addressed you will be right back to before he left with the same issues. I have had to put my foot down a few times since H is home. I make my feelings known then you have to sit back and wait for the change. If he really loves you and wants to be with you he will want you to be happy also. Try not to carry on bringing up past. Just move on from that point and be happy fun loving energetic, the life of the party. That is who he has come home to. I hope this helps. Loretta
