ANS, Is it really neccesary to take that job? You are dreading it, you don't want to travel, and don't want to uproot your family. Is the money worth taking a chance on losing the progress you have made with W?
Sorry if i sound negative! I really have been thinking about posting to you for a couple of days, but I didn't want to say anything to make you feel bad.
Is it really imperative for you take this job?
Pardon me if I butted in where I shouldn't have, okay?
Since I am still very much a struggling DBer..I don't come over here much but I did want to pop in and thank you for your wonderful insight. It is SOOO helpful to me. About this job..it sucks that you havre to do this. Will you be far away..can you get home for W/Es..is there anything positive that can come out of it?
Don’t worry about making me feel bad, rayanne. I’m actually doing pretty well right now. And by no means feel like you’re butting in. If I didn’t want people to “but in”, I’ve got no business posting things.
As to the job… I really don’t think I have a choice at this point. One of my 180s has been to let W spend on things to make her life easier. The renovations, etc. have cost us a fortune. I have four kids, so karate, singing lessons, drum lessons, kick boxing, driving lessons, etc.etc.etc. have become part of our lifestyle and it’s my responsibility to support that. So, not taking the job would be more of a risk to the progress I’ve made with W.
So. I’ve resigned myself to taking the job. That isn’t to say that I won’t keep my eye open for other options. You never know when an opportunity will arise.
The job is about 300 miles from where I live/work. I will be able to come home on weekends. I’m hoping that I can swing it so that I’ll only work Mon-Thu and will therefore be able to leave Sun. night, returning Thu night. I may even be able to rent/lease a car instead of flying. The downside of that is that I don’t want to burn myself out (again) with whacky hours and a 5 hour commute each way.
Well, I got word that I start on the project next week and will be on the road the week after.
Don't know what happens after that. There's a possibility that I'll be allowed to do at least part of the project from my home office. Guess I'll find out more next week.
I also heard that my involvement will be for 6 months now, and 6 months later (next year some time).
I've heard this kind of stuff before. Even been promised stuff. But this time, I'm hopeful. From what I hear, they're trying to save $$, and am thinking that my travel expenses are $$
Guess it's good that the project will be 6 mths now, instead of 12. I know that the possibility is there for more time later, but you never know what could happen between now and then, right?
matilda posted something that got me thinking about what my W’s issues where/are…
quote:Originally posted by matilda February 07, 2002 03:45 PM onGetting over it (Page 3): One thing that struck me is you said your W needs her space. That was me for many years. I had a lot of issues to deal with and I felt like I needed to be alone to do that. It's hard to look back now and see that that was me. I'm so different now. I want to share everything with H. Hopefully, your W will work through her issues and get to that point also. Do you know what her issues are, what she is struggling with? I couldn't tell my H for a very long time. When I finally did, he was the one who helped me the most in getting past it!! What a lot of wasted years!
Yesterday W and I got into a discussion about the future. W dashed every one of my dreams. None of them were realistic. We’re going to be tied to a handicapped child, putting the others through university, etc. etc. until we die.
When I brought up RRSPs (Canadian version of IRAs), she said that her mother considered them useless.
Ah. Her mother. All of a sudden, I remembered my W telling me about how her mother toiled in the home while her H worked, played hockey, coached, socialized… She also told me about how bitter her mother got, and that she (W) did not want to wait ‘til she was 55 to live.
So. There you have it. I want a future to look forward to, and W wants to live in the present, so she won’t become her mother. She saw me as an impedament to this.
The fear of becoming her mother has transformed my W into her mother. And waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
[ February 08, 2002, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: ANS ]
Hi Andy! So how to get the wifey to change her perception is now the question. I'll put my thinking hat on and try to come up w something. Your insights on my sit have been so welcome and valid. . .I just hope I can help you!
I don't like to travel either. I've found myself doing more driving since our bomb and am acting as if I love driving the interstate.
You are now facing a hill and you know what's on the other side; just run on through.
I read your thread your story in "Piecing". I was in a similar situation as your wife. My H travelled a lot for work - was gone 3-4 days a week almost every week. I had 3 young kids to raise, plus I had (have) a business I work out of my home so that I was able to be at home for them. I got very used to "being on my own" in my marriage. I had all the home responsibilities, plus trying to make some money to help relieve the stress on my husband of being the only bread winner. I was under a lot of stress myself!! When H would come home I'd resent when he'd try to make a decision about the kids or what we should do on the weekend or anything because I felt he didn't have the right to make those decisions. I felt like a single parent for a good 12 years of my almost 18 year marriage. There were times when I'd get so frustrated with him trying to ACT like he was part of the family that I'd ask him, "So, when do you leave again?" I can see how that was demoralizing for him. It was his job, after all, and he was doing it to provide for him family. Now I find out that back during the really hard times for me (3 very young kids, trying to start a business at home to relieve his stress), he had a fling with someone at work (yes, this last A was his second!!). It's been so long ago that he can't really remember why he did it, except that he felt he wasn't getting enough attention from me. Really? I was getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a day, but what a bitch I was because I couldn't give him all of the attention he needed!!
My H also didn't want me to do anything without him. I won't get all into that now, but it sounds pretty similar to your situation. Finally, after a couple of years I said I have to get out by myself for a little while. So reluctantly he stayed with the kids every Saturday morning while I went window shopping and got a cup of coffee. See, I was really irritated that he was eating out a restaurants, not having to deal with homework, bedtime, making lunches, etc. I never really believed him when he said that all got "old," he hated eating out, and he hated traveling. Yeah, sure. Sounded like a dream to me!!
My H also thought he was the perfect H. He was/is in many ways. But what he thought he was doing to show me love and affection was not the way I wanted it or would accept it. You need to find out what your wife's idea of love and affection are. Now, those are different perceptions, aren't they. Yikes!
Well, I guess you can see I have some anger in me about that. This whole thing is such a mess. I do still think that I'm lucky in many ways. I am very sure of his love for me, but still that little voice nags at me, "is love enough?" Our C says he was very immature and selfish and that he's finally grown up. Well, time will tell. I guess I can believe that a little since he decided to come clean with everything. I think that shows some maturity.
Well, we're off to see the C today. First time for both of us in a month. I've been going by myself for a while to try and work through some of this without putting more stress on H. He's making himself a nervous wreck, literally, from all this. That's a long story, but his health is really being jeopardized. So I am trying to be loving and comforting, and letting him know I am his safe harbor.
Thanks for listening.
Yup. My W resented the fact that I wanted to be part of the family decision making process. I think she considered it as impinging on her independence and also that I was questioning her decisions.
I also understand the lack of sleep. It’s been going on for a long time. Longer than it should have been. Our son’s handicap has made this a never ending story. From my perspective, I’ve tried to relieve her as much as I can. Problem is that I think it turned into a competition for who had it harder. Also, I think she has a little of the “now it’s your turn” attitude.
So, she accepts the help I give her, and sees no reason to return the favour by putting any of her energy into OR. I guess she’s making up for lost time.
As to finding out what W’s ideas of love and affection are… It seems to have changed. She used to want physical affection, help around the house, compliments, little gestures (such as flowers) to show her that she’s special to me, etc. But now she seems to be fiercly defending her independence, and any of these gestures appear to threaten that.
So, I backed off on these things – except for the helping out – and she’s become less defensive of her independence.
But, now, I think the WAW syndrome has kicked in, but in reverse.
quote:Excerpt from The Walkaway Wife Syndrome : While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased.
I’m not saying that I’m heading for a D, but my W thinks “everything is fine” since I stopped nagging her, and of course, I can’t start nagging again, or I’ll just restart the same old cycle.
