Thanks for the happy thoughts....I am moving through and out of the fog.
I do admit some residual guilt tho-for feeling so crapy even tho I know I have it better than most posters here do. For that I am grateful, and to answer your question Lee, I really don't know IF or how I'd be better had I left him. I know I'd probably be a hell of a lot worse. What I think I'm after is feeling like I had a tiny bit of control throughout the whole uncontrollable thing. I am not really a serious control freak-but am very analytical and methodical in my day to day (prob stems from career) and I do not like the fact that it happened, (virtually under my dam nose) it ended and we moved on and I didn't get to have a say in any of it.
I suppose I did-but he had moved back home after the deployment and had been home 6 months before the bomb (2 days and not counting....to the 1 year mark)...we were living our lives as if nothing had happened. It was only my un-trusting snooping that got him caught-he would never have told me.
I am still resenting lots...H and I did have a quick talk last night-first OR type talk in at least 3 months, as usual, I pretty much told him how I feel-and as usual he did not have much to say. Am still mulling this one over-we never got a chance to finish-oldest son interrupted.
I have more to say (also as usual) but am once again pressed for time (class tonight-am in danger of doing below min req...)
L p.s. no time for spell check-pls forgive any mis-spellings! (am a terrible speller)
We're 2 1/2 years into creating a marriage we can live with on the bad days and be happy in on the good days and after all this time I think I'm finally getting my ship turned around. In other words there is finally a sense of heading in the right direction and more confidence than I've felt in a long while. Today, (better knock on some wood) I felt like my old happy self for the first time since the bomb. I expect this won't last (though I sure will take it if it does!) but it was like getting to be with my best buddy that I hadn't seen for eons. I think it was the way I acted over the weekend. It has also helped that my H responded so well. Got to remember this dance!
Just when you think you've gotten the hang of it...My H broke my heart again by showing in a letter to his flirtatious friend that he is utterly uninterested in my life (it's too long to write)then the next day he fawned all over his other flirtatious friend and guess what? We are going out of town tomorrow and they are both going to be there! I made the mistake of not expecting this and got upset. On the other hand, I really don't want to live the rest of my life in this humiliation. So.................What's the solution?????
OK. First, somehow I have GOT to stop buying into this dance, so I don't get upset and can think rationally and clearly about what to do. Second, I need to find a way to calmly and firmly set some limits so I am not treated poorly and can hold myself in esteem even if my spouse doesn't. Thirdly, if there is some way to nonreactively convey the harm that is done when one's spouse is emotionally absent at important moments and gives their attention to another, I wish I could learn it. To have that message get through seems to me an important part of reconciliation that has to happen if one can ever feel comfortable after an affair. Somebody please tell me how to do this. Seems to me like if you are putting your marriage back together then emotional needs, communication, developing palpable mutual respect, all need to be tended to. Isn't that right?
I'm still hurting from that affair because the emotional dynamics of it are continuing with other women to this day!!! My H will not admit to a smidgen of this. There was a time when I'd have believed that he really had no awareness but now I think deep down he does.
Oops, back to solutions...Here is a very lofty goal: I'd like us each to realize that it is important to our individual happiness to make the other one comfortable. Again shouldn't this be part of "Piecing"? In the meantime I'm pretty darn uncomfortable so the only solution is to unhook, detach, step offada roller coaster. Also I guess the "real love" that Michele talks about comes into play. I've still got to think about his comfort and happiness and treat him well even if he's hurting me. One doesn't get to experience acting gracefully without adversity. I still have a little trouble in myself figuring out how to be sure to not drop to door mat.
One thing that perhaps I did wrong was that I told my H how much I enjoyed our previous weekend and I think it was too much for him. It is so hard because he vows and declares his love but his actions don't follow suit. This includes being extremely inconsistent about frequency of love making--right now he's back to zippo--just like during the affair. This is confusing and crazymaking. What is the solution? How do you deal with someone whose actions and words don't match? How can trust possibly be rebuilt in this situation?
Maybe you just try and find peace inside yourself and then do whatever you can to pass it on into the relationship and trust develops as a by product?
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: alottolearn ]
ALTL, ***************************************** My H broke my heart again by showing in a letter to his flirtatious friend that he is utterly uninterested in my life ****************************************** How did you learn of this?
I hate to say it, but if it is true, I would confront him on it and let him know how it hurt and if it is true, he needs to leave and find what he is searching for. The sooner the better.
Your to far into this process to tolerate this kinda crap.
Sorry ALTL! I really beleive your H needs to grow up some.
After 7+ years, I am totally interested in my W's life. I'm not in all of it and I'm OK with that. But I am interested.
In reading this, I realize it sounds worse than it was. I have plans for our trip and my H was telling this to our friend. He was using the e-mail that we both use at home. We will be seeing this woman and her husband on this trip. She has been flirtatous with him, once very suggestively in an e-mail (he shared that one with me and wrote a wonderful limit setting letter back to her, my suggestion and his very lovely words). That happened about a year and a half ago.
He didn't say he is uninterested in my life. He told her that he didn't know what my meeting with a special person was about. If it were me and especially if I were him I'd ask about something so obviously important to my spouse.
Guess that sometimes when I try to leave out detail to get a picture across quickly some of those details make a big difference!
ALTL, **************************************** He didn't say he is uninterested in my life. He told her that he didn't know what my meeting with a special person was about. ******************************************* This totally contradicts what you previously said. Was the previous post a perception of yours? If it was, you have some soul searching to do as I don't see much relationship between the contradictions. Unless, your resentment bank is filling up.
"I hate to say it, but if it is true, I would confront him on it and let him know how it hurt and if it is true, he needs to leave and find what he is searching for. The sooner the better."
He is right-you are WAY too far into this to be putting up with this disrespectful CRAPOLA.
Stop being so nice to him when he hurts you-let him know how it makes you feel. Tell him he talks the talk but cannot walk the walk.
Actions speak volumes louder than words.
Unfortunately-it really IS all about perception, isn't it. I hate that. There are many things I perceive from my H about how he feels, what he wants, how he views me...and because he is so dam silent all the time, how am I to know otherwise? I only perceive through the his tone of voice when he talks (about non-OR stuff), his attitude and body language. Otherwise I play the guessing game.
Being as non-confrontational as you can, IMHO, you should talk to him about how he makes you feel, that you feel he is not interested in you-no because of what he says...but because of how he acts and how he treats you. And I must apologize, I am still confused about your clarification here
"He told her that he didn't know what my meeting with a special person was about. If it were me and especially if I were him I'd ask about something so obviously important to my spouse." - do you mean that when you said you were meeting with a "special person" meaning her/them, and he didn't understand why, first of all it was so important to you and second why you were concerned/nervous?...and THEN he TOLD her this???-I can see where you'd be pissed...am I tracking?
Listen you, you are interesting...you are worth loving...and also, again, like Kent said...he really needs to grow up. (but I realize that you know this)
L
p.s. want me to tell him? hehe p.p.s. isn't is SO much easier when you're on the other side? (meaning how 'easy' I seem to be able to give the very same advice I should be taking.....hey, didn't I just say something about walking the walk vs. talking the talk??!!...hm)
Hey, thought I'd throw in 2 cents here too. Hope it doesn't just confuse things
I got from this a slightly different picture- if H has set boundaries with his friend, did he break it by mentioning your name, or was he bringing you up for a purpose (to signal that boundary?)
Have you thought about what your definition of his "showing interest" in you would be? Have you communicated to him (tricky, I know)? The fact that he even mentioned it could be interest.
It's funny, the many ways this could all be taken is a good example of how perception is such a dangerous thing. I know the more resentful I become, the easier it is for me to take everything H does in a bad light. How much is our responsibility to fix and how much should they help us with?? It's frustrating isn't it?
And I think about this a lot: the duality of our S's when communicating with us and with the OP. What part of them is real and what do they really feel? It's so hard to tell.
