I will tell my story quickly....and I am asking for things to watch out for?
Wife left home with our 2 children 2/2002....probably had SO to draw her out. She came home 6/03 but in heart wasn't in it. So, I left 5/04....moved to my apt. Got a life, took care of myself...yet we continued to interact, go out, see each other. I met with an excellent lawyer who advised me along the way. I hired a PI to discover the "truth". We continued to consul together and alone. I am most likely OCD, she is probably histrionic. Finally became clear that both of us wanted our relationship to survive and no one wanted a divorce. Yet, we were still searching, injured from being separated, desperate, lonely.
Now, we are preparing to sell the home, move into a new place all together. I now know how my OC behavior affects her gentle nature...yes it took almost forever to become aware of how I do this and I have to watch myself most of the time....Fortunately (or unfortunately) I can watch my siblings exihibit this behavior so I now know how not to act, but more importantly, see how this behavior affects those in our lives.
She seems to battle with herself......distracted at times, but overall is now sweet, friendly, helpful, thoughtful.
Yes, my story is a little longer than I wanted it to be and there will be more to tell as we rebuild.
I suppose the most difficult part for me was the shear amount of time this whole process has taken. (....4 years) Some I feel would have given up earlier, some whould have stuck with it. It is an individual decision. I had many people tell me what I should/shouldn't do......the wise ones just asked me how I was doing.
Worst thing I did was stay in the house after the family left....too many ghosts that kept infecting my ability to think clearly as to what steps to take to repair my marriage. I probably spent/wasted 12 months in total obsession trying to fix things in my own feeble/ineffective ways.
For those going through this, get professional help early...psychiatric if you are depressed. Exercise. Travel. Especially when you don't feel like it.
If you want your marriage to work, just be there for her/him. Listen carefully to what they have to say about your behavior....the truth is hidden in the words that may sting and hurt more than any you have ever heard in your life.
If he/she has someone else....you will be nothing more than a nuisance to your former spouse, and remember it will take about 18 months for the reality of what they have done to sink in. So, you will be required to wait..if that's what you decide to do.
Leave him/her alone. Go to dinner with people of the opposite sex just to have some fun. And just wait. Change yourself....rid yourself of any abnormal personality habits you might have. But, get a professional to guide you along this path because, I promise, you are completely blind to your major faults! Once you can see them, accept them, only then can you slowly improve the way you interact with everyone.
You may succeed. You may not. But you will be better. And you will be a better person because you will have survived a difficult event and time. You will be more sympathetic and kinder to the whole world because of it.
So, please pray for me and my family as we move forward in a new and better way for all. Just me.
Thank you for posting that; the hardest part in these things (besides the heartache) is to actually see ourselves clearly and effect a real change. Still working on that. Prayer said for your family; keep us posted!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
You asked about things to watch out for. One of the issues that comes up in piecing is resentment about the past betrayal. My H and I have come up with a pretty handy way of dealing with that - by referring to our former selves as our "ex-spouses". As in - "My ex-husband used to do Z, so that's why I got nervous" "Well, I'm NOT your ex-husband, I'm Y, so quit punishing me for his faults".
Sounds silly but it works to keep our focus on the fact that this is a NEW marriage, a NEW R, and we are NEW people by virtue of having been through the crucible.
Also - a word or two about OCD. I have a son with mild Tourette's (OCD, ADD and tics) and a daughter who had anorexia/bulimia with mild OCD. I don't know what treatment you've had, but there were two books I really liked: The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport, and Brainlock by Schwartz. Your wife might better understand things if she read them too. Brainlock has a lot of good info on behavioral therapy. And my D's OCD symptoms responded to the high-dose Prozac she was taking for her bulimia. (And yes, there is a strong genetic link between the two.)
