Well I've been trying to get myself up to speed since I've been back. H was abusively critical and ragging on me about several things as soon as we hit home. I was really ill so I had a hard time shifting from a connection with H(albeit tenuous and strained but somehow cozy)to raving crazy man. I finally figured out he was projecting. So I can kinda see the humor in his accusations. Then yesterday His attitude just shifted. We were making a major purchase which H accused me of railroading him. I wasn't. But then H said yesterday, "You know, if you really want this then you should have it." I couldn't believe it. He was so kind and lovingly indulgent in those few words. I can't remember when the last time was that he was like that.
He stayed home for 2 nights ( Didn't pay any attention to me but at least I know he wasn't with OW). But no such luck tonight. He's out who knows where and with who knows whom. I started to feel crazy but then I just let it go. (Wow, I did it too) H did say (When we were away) he would now go to counsiling with me. So maybe I'm piecing and maybe I'm getting ready for the Big D. Who knows. I HATE THIS LIVING IN LIMBO!!!!! I don't know how to get him to come back to my room.( We are in the same house in seperate rooms.) Any Ideas? kansha
(been sleeping for the past couple of hours ... all of a audden wake up with a heart thats beating too wildly ... 'get ahold of yourself guy .... there ... that's better ... check the website ... you always find some support there either in what you read about others who are where you are or ... when you read about others who are really in better place than you are)
Good morning Kansha,
Tough sometimes ... just about all the time ... isn't it?
My wife moved 3 hours away 6 weeks ago, right after she started hot and heavy affair with her art teacher. Just wants to be friends with me. Wanna trade places?
K ... if your H will go to counseling ... find out where a BD counselor is in your area and get your butts there as quickly as possible. Your H is in limbo or else he would not be making some of the statements he's making ... and 2 nights not with OW is a hell of a lot better than the other way around.
I know it isn't easy for any of us who are using this website to try to help keep our senses about us ... regardless of what our individual circumstances are. Know that I care about what you are going through ... just as a lot of people on the BD site care ...
Thanks for your quick reply. Sorry you had to wake up out of a sound sleep with heart palpatations to do it. No matter which way you go it isn't easy what we are doing.
My heart aches for you. I have been in your shoes before and I really can't say which is worse.
My H is going to counseling alone already. And I'm going to the same person. I don't think she calls herself a DB counselor But she has the book on her shelf and Supports me in my DBing. My H trusts her so I'm gonna try to coordinate a joint session with her. H is passive aggressive so I'm trying to do this just right so that he actually ends up going.
Thanks for your kind words. My prayers are with you as well. Have you posted your story anywhere?
Kansha- I just posted about my counseling on SBS's thread. Like your H, my H trusted this counselor and had gone to her several months before he made the move home. She's been very helpful.
I had my first individual session yesterday and expressed my dislike of limbo. I guess we're going to address H at our next joint session. She tried setting up treatment goals, but a lot depends on what H does. I mean it will be difficult for me to deal with pain, if it's still in my face.
Kansha, I am also working on getting H into counseling with me. He didn't give me a resounding NO last night when we were having an OR talk and I asked about counseling... so I jumped on the opening, and found a counselor who I THINK/HOPE my H will be able to relate to (biker, biker clientle, pro marriage/relationship, used to be a heavy equipment operator, familiar with Michele's work, plans on attending her workshop in Aug, solution oriented with a little "psychotherapy", recommended by my H's FIL who has had failed relationship after failed relationship but seems to be growing up now). I set an appt for me and the counselor next Tues, and I hope/pray/wish that H will be joining me. H is still leaning towards leaving. So...
Kansha, run don't walk to your nearest solution based therapist that you think your H may bond with (and you too). You've been in my thoughts! You are such a trooper! Hang tough!
Hi Ladies, Thanks for checkin in with me. Carey, I'm glad that your H is making progress with the counselor. And that now you are starting to go. It sounds like you are going to have to take it slow. (I'll skip on over and read your post about counseling) Aren't we seeing you next week or week after next? I better get on that. That is you isn't it. I've been so out of it since I've been back.
Step: I have been quick on the trigger with anxiety this past year. It takes so little to get me feeling anxious. So your sentence to run not walk to nearest SBT had me feeling very anxious cause I had said in my earlier post that my H trusts the counselor he is going to already and I do too so far. So we had already made the decision to see this one. So I wasn't sure whether you were telling me not to go to our counselor and find a new one or just encouraging me with my plan to see this one.
Step. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts you are in mine too. I'll pray for you and all here. I hope your H will go to counseling. If you get a good one they can really help. If you get a bad one then you can kiss your marriage goodbye. The one you mentioned here sounds worth a try especially great cause he is going to Michele's workshop.
Well tonight I was faced with a decision to go with H and S to a traditional friday family outing and then do my "I have plans" routine afterwords(cause Friday is my night, H had already taken Sat. night (and every other night also ). I was gonna post for coaching from you all but I have no time right now. So I thought,why should I cut into my time out by myself when he doesn't do the same. Maybe he'll miss me. (yeah right ) I've gone back and forth on this question. But right now he is talking to me so nicely. Nothing in particular just his tone is warm as opposed to cold and accusatory like it's been mostly for the past year or more. So I was thinking that It might make a difference if I make myself as unavailable as possible. Who in the He!! knows? I have no Idea what is going on and you all know how crazy this can make you (Step )So far I have not asked. I need to rethink this though. H is deep into his work and never will talk about anything when he works. So I just don't know. This change in him has coincided with this new job. Perhaps he's feeling better about himself? Or maybe he just cuts out early every day and stops over at OW's on the way home. I wouldn't even know about it. This could drive me crazy and as the title and my first post says. Life with crazy H and OW and who in the He!! knows wether I'm piecing or getting ready for the Big D. Off the top of my head I don't think he's getting ready for the big D cause in all this time (has it been 3 years?) He has not said he wanted one. And when I kicked him out he wouldn't go (granted he had nowhere to go, (though he could've gone to OW's I think)and he had no money so it would've been stupid for him to leave. Why leave when you can have your cake and eat it too? I think He's still in avoidence. I just have to sit tight and keep detaching. Even though he's talking to me in that voice that always gets me. And He let me buy a really nice,REALLY NICE thing that I needed. He had been insisting that I could buy a piece of sh!! or borrow from other people. something totally unrealistic and insulting.
Kansha, sorry for causing you any anxiety--- my own must have been seeping through my post. That is not what I intended for you. I must've missed that this is a counselor you both already know and trust. Sorry! I am encouraging you to go through with the counseling, that was all--- and my own anxiety over getting H to go must have just bombarded you. I really am sorry about that. Take care! You are doing wonderfully. Hang tough.
Kansha- I'm the one. Let me know what the plans are. I'm looking forward to meeting more DBers. It's so difficult trying to act as if H actions are okay, but if I worry about his lunacy, I would be insane too. He's been out of town since the 7th and I'll see him for 2 hrs on the 23rd before I head your direction.
Kansha, You mentioned a while back that GG said you and I lived fairly close. Where are you? I'm in Maryland.
Hang in there cause you h is nuts! You've got to be the strong one right now!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly: All my family lives there. I will most likely visit there in August. Would love to see you if you are up for it. Did you grow up there? I did. Where did you go to High School? I'm trying not to be too specific so that I can't be identified. Wonder Woman and GG and several others have my E-mail address if you feel like e-mailing.
). I was gonna post for coaching from you all but I have no time right now. So I thought,why should I cut into my time out by myself when he doesn't do the same. Maybe he'll miss me. (yeah right 