My boys are 20, 16, and 12. Oh and the lady that will never leave me is Annie she's 9, a healer/collie mix.
Ever hear, " I could care less if you got hit by a bus". That's when I gave up. My boys' were standing there when she said it. They joke about it today. Something like, "might not have been a bus but close enough", if a car almost hit us or we see a hard tackle in football game, etc.
I must say I agree with Steve. You have to work on yourself and be there for your child/ren. Although, I was successful in having my M back, it wouldn't have mattered because I had found myself again, and I won't be allowing myself to be overshadowed by someone else's choices, no matter what excuses they may have.
I am the type that believes in honour, truth, and unconditional love. I think my H felt he couldn't live up to those ideals. I still believe in those things, but I do realise that no-one is perfect. The thing is to always try and do the right thing. If we can do that then we will have a successful life, IMO. It's hard when our WAS's are choosing to do wrong, but that is our own perception - to them they are doing what they feel is right for them.
Anyway, I just want to reinforce the idea that we should detach, GAL, and take care of ourselves. I am glad you are seeing a good C - it really helps to talk things out. In my sitch, I can already see my H repeating past behaviour, but I will not let it effect me. If it becomes intolerable, I will try and work it out with him, but I know that I will be okay no matter what he chooses. I also always remember that I have a choice about my life too. The WAS may be out of control, and seeming to be taking your choice away from you, but you do have a choice as to how you react to their actions.
Take care. Deb
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
A small update - remember, this morning I asked her to watch our son Friday night, and she called me about it - sort of hinted she wanted to know why. Today she called to ask me to come home early from work and uncharacteristically told me why in detail - when I got home, she had left her school grades out and told me I could look at them if I wanted to, then told me how she did on a test last night... I was polite and encouraging, even left a gold star on her report card, but said nothing to initiate conversation. To top it all off, she told me specifically that she'd be home tonight after school, and lord knows I wouldn't ask that question!! I doubt it means much - maybe she just wants more time to drain the checking account before leaving (just kidding - it's already empty for real reasons)- but do you suppose the mystery has her thinking?
Update - My son asked to go to the circus Sunday, so I asked her to join us for Mother's Day and she agreed - with minimal conversation and one mildly snippy note about all the "printing" I've been doing from the net lately (left some info on Marital Separation Agreements out for her to snoop)...Any thoughts?
My son and I got her a fun gift for Mom's Day - nothing romantic - we'll wrap it Saturday and maybe buy her some flowers/cards, again "from him" or non-romantic from me. I hope that's the right way to go.
Saturday morning - got home earlier than I said last night, because I wanted to see my son - they got home past his bedtime by a little - been with OM all day TOGETHER. She slept on the couch and got up early and left - 6am here. I'm going nuts and want her out!!! But I want my son here!! I think I'm going to implode soon.....What the heck can I do?
Quick update - keeping my own thread alive? - She came home before school and initiated an R discussion, told me she had seen a WAW description in my papers and it described her to a "T", told me what I did wrong... my response was simple; I took the blame, told her I was still struggling with why I behaved the way I did, that my regrets were huge and I didn't expect her to excuse anything, and finally that I was talking to the counselor about male depression.
Her response? uncertainty about her own decision, and a judgement that I am no different than any man - even OM is annoying, and that it might not work out with him. I didn't say much about that - it tells me she might be reponding to my GAL and detachment efforts, but who knows? I'm not getting my hopes up, THAT'S FOR SURE! I think, though, the GAL plan may be working - clearly she'd like to think I'll always be here for her to come back to.
I ended the conversation with a couple "too bad it's too lates" and went to play with my son - which I'm going to go do now as well!
I made some statement that realizing my mistakes now doesn't make all of the past issues go away - beating her to the punch, really, so that she didn't think she had to point that out. I've got the idea - right or wrong, don't know - that if I can say what she's thinking before it comes out (on this kind of issue, not everything!) that my words may be more believable.
Thanks GH, hope things went well for you this weekend. I can't wait to hear.
Forgot to add to my thread one quick conversation where I may have made a mistake. She told me she needed money to start her own checking account (we've talked openly about sparation finances) and I asked her when she was leaving - she asked when I wanted her to go. My quick answer was "never" , and she replied "we've already been through that". I just dropped it and she said she needed cash to get started somewhere else, and if I got a July bonus at work she could go then, and it's only 8 more weeks, and could I wait, since it wasn't long?
Remember - she's planning to live with OM in the house he bought and is working on while he lives elsewhere, and she's putting big $$ on her credit card she says she'll take with her, to help him do it. What the heck ???
She's never openly told me her plan, by the way.
Maybe my reply should have been different - some of the best advice I've gotten from my counselor is to force her to make her own decisions, don't help, don't encourage, nothing, and I've tried to be constant with that, but I don't want to push her out - remember, I've got a 5 yr old son that goes with her, and I can't do much DBing with her gone.
Any thought, Giant Killers? I could use some input.
