OK, I've had a dilemma for a while. Anyone who has followed my threads since Ex (Chuck) met maggot 5 years ago knows that I have had an extremely tumultuous ride. Communication with him is close to impossible - when I do write - she is the one who answers in her cocky little grade school way. I now find myself needing to try one more time (I think) before giving in and going to court.
We were divorced a year ago. Although he ran off, I was the one who initiated the divorce and paid all expenses. He didn't want a divorce (so he said), but she was quick to announce their engagement one day after our divorce (in the newspaper) and they were married in Sept.
We mediated our divorce. It was painful but saved us lots of $. Hence, we did not go to court. Part of our agreement is that he is to pay his fair share of Ashley's extraordinary expenses - ie: School trips (there have been A LOT), dance costumes, dance shoes and equipment) etc. He pays the minimum amount of child support at present - $337 per month (YIPPEE). Anyone with a teen daughter knows how expensive they can be. Her hair cut/colour alone last week was $50! She takes money for lunch every day. The school is always wanting money as well and now we have Grad expenses, gown, luncheon, photos etc as well as prom - gown, shoes, tickets yada yada yada - I'm sure that many of you know the drill.
OK, I have sent him 3 letters with the expenses listed in the past 18 months. Each time, if I get any response at all - it has been yelling & screaming, a letter from maggot or him basically wanting detailed statements etc. I have kept the expenses to a minimum - no point in haggling over a lot of day to day stuff, though it does add up. Still no $.
On another note, my 24 year old son moved back home in October to save money to return to school. So I am supporting him as well. Yes, he helps me out a lot and I have no problem with him living here. He is now working only 1 or 2 shifts per week which gives him enough $ to get to school (in Toronto - more than an hour drive each way). I pay his car insurance, food etc. He took out a student loan (co signed by me) in order to pay his tuition. The question is - should H be paying C.S. for him too - or is he too old? I wondered, since he is back in school. He just turned 24 last week.
So, my thoughts are that I want to write a 4th letter and mention in the opening that it is the 4th letter requesting his share in the C.S. extraordinary expenses for Ashley, and also requesting assistance with Brandon's expenses. I would like to send a copy to his lawyer as well. I would like to say that if I don't receive $ by a certain date (let's say June 1), then I will go to court and ask for court costs as well.
OK, why am I not going to my L with this? My L was a total Pain in the A$$. And he was the best of the worst (in my opinion). He has proved time and again that he really couldn't care about more than getting an agreement in place and getting paid. He never, ever gave a hoot about these expenses and let me know that the agreement was only as good as the paper it was written on. Took me over $15,000.00 to get to find all that out. I'd rather get nothing than to use his services again.
My gut tells me that I should also write to him about his lack of interest in the kids. He NEVER goes to a school play, dance performance etc. He NEVER phones to see how they're doing, if they're ill or how they did on an exam. I want to tell him that a Dad should phone to find out what his children's needs are - not make their mother jump through hoops to be paid a reasonable share of their expenses. And I'd like to remind him that D has only asked him twice in 5 years for a ride somewhere and he failed to come through. OK, its unlikely I'll write any of that but I just wish I could get through to him how much of the load I am carrying and how little he manages to get away with. Even with that - he is a cruel, ornery SOB to deal with.
OK, it felt better just to write that out.
So - any suggestions for me. If you tell me to "bite" these expenses - let me tell you that D's expenses are about $2,000 now (past 2 years worth) and son's car insurance is over $2,000 per year.
Wow ! Eighteen months of nothing ! I don't think your X is going to be of much support ! Plus, he's got his new wife giving him advice, albeit bad advice.
I'm no lawyer, but if you have a signed agreement why not just take your $2000 worth of expenses to Small Claims Court. You can do that without a lawyer. Just go to SC's, fill out the forms and pay the $100 bucks or whatever they charge now in Ontario. He'll be served for the $2000. He will have to show up in Court. Both of you will get to tell your side of the story and the judge will make a decision... most likely in your favour. If he doesn't show you'll get a default judgement which you can then take to his employer and have his wages garnisheed. You can even take the judgement and put a lien on his properties.
I doubt you can get any assistance for your 24 year old. ....Soup
Soup: I wasn't sure if SC court would hear a "family law" situation but not being too knowledgeable on the subject - you could be right. I'm wondering if just making his L aware of it - she might just "make him aware of it" too. It does seem that ex doesn't give a hoot about the welfare of his kids but I really think that comes from knowing that I am a provider and would never give anything but the best to my kids, still, doing it on my own has been tough. I wonder how he feels that I had to sell the disabled access home we built for Ryan? Such a great dad!
I will look into SC court and whether they will hear a CS situation, but as you say - I do have it in writing that he does have to pay.
Soup: I know you're right about that. Its hard to keep emotion out of it but I know that in order to come across "businesslike" as is necessary - I will do just that.
I feel for you! Nope, doesn't do any good to remind them of their Fatherly duties, that's what they walked out on. At this point I bet there is a mixture of sadness and anger concerning his relationship with the kids that keeps him from really trying. They all think when they first leave that everybody just has to suck it up, and with time and acceptance, everything will go back to the way it was with them. WRONG!!!! I was told that the kids (and us for that matter) will never really be able to form a relationship with him until he admits that he has caused them pain, and that he is sorry for it. Our kids face a whole different set of circumstances. Being older there really was no set visitation. Therefore no guidlines as to when these walkaways needed to put on their parenting hat. Now the kids are the angry ones and they don't know how to fix it with their own children, because they are also children.
As far as the support goes for your son, I know that here, once a child is 24 or graduates from college a parent only has to give them what they want to and nothing more. The lawyer thing is tougher. I think that maybe you should be honest with your lawyer and tell him how disappointed you were in his representation, maybe he'll think about how he handled this and do something for you.
Then again, I understand when you ask if it's really even worth it!
He's paying the child support-- which is the most enforceable of the agreement. I suspect that your agreement using the word "extraordinary" to describe her other expenses, might turn into a legal argument. You're interpreting it as stuff not included in day to day CS? Like her dance clothing, etc. He may claim he interprets it as emergency room expenses, not hobbies.
My guess is that the CS is considered to cover her meals, housing, necessities, reasonable amount of clothing etc. My guess is that YOU are more commited to Ashleys dance expenses, than HE is... and that is playing a part in why he is not paying. I also think that it's probably considered reasonable that he see itemization/reciepts. Just like you'd do for a trip voucher for an employer.
I'd suggust that you enclose a summary of the expenses, with the backup documentation, and insist on payment of all expenses more than 60 days old by X date, and that all future expenses are paid within 30 days of your sending him the documentation.
I agree with Soup about small claims court. I think you will get half of the expense you can document-- but I don't think things like haircuts/hair color/lunch money will be included. School field trips, hobbies etc... though at some point if he goes "on record" saying he does not want to fund expensive dancing stuff... and suggests that she'd be just fine with less costly hobbies, it could becaome an issue. You could have Ashley work on him, but that's using her as a pawn.
I don't think he will owe any CS or $$ on your son, since he is over 18 and a legal adult. It's basically your choice to support him.
And on the reminders of what a good dad/decent human would do? Vent it here, sweetie. Once they run out on their wife, marriage, family, they sort of have taken a big step to show that they no longer abide by standards of decency. It's not legally enforceable, and it will just be frustrating.
Pull together your reciepts, and evidence, just like it's a company expense voucher or a tax audit.... give him a deadline and if not go to small claims court.
I've been dealing with CS and visitation issues for 6yrs now... been around the block a bit and been to court many times... let me tell you.
First off, depending on the state you reside... ExH may not be obligated to pay any of your son's expenses... this would only come from his heart if he decided to do that. Son may honestly have a better chance of approaching dear old dad for financial support. He's legally an adult now, school or not.
Regarding your daughter's support... most state courts indicate that CS is 20% of the gross monthly income. Where does the payment you are currently receiving fall within that. If you have the right for modification of CS then go for it. You may not have that right depends on how the papers were filed. However, you can always obtain free advice and representation from the Attorney General in your state. That's how I did it the last time when exH fell almost 2yrs in the rear. They threatened him with contempt of court for not paying... so he coughed it up once he got his legal issues completed with his business.
Regarding visitation... there is nothing you can do. Been there done that... exH rarely sees his daughter. He's got a new family now and sees her perhaps once a month for a couple of hours. Never ever has followed visitation. There is nothing legal you can do. However when your daughter is of age, she can request to the courts to have him relinguish his parental rights away. Trust me we looked into this. But at the same time, he would then no longer be responsible for CS.
Regarding the additional expenses. My divorce decree is 50/50 on additional medica/dental out of pocket expenses... so you may wish to revisit your decree and see how that is worded. We had braces put on Blondie last year and we had to split the cost right down the middle... Anything above and beyond the standard CS amount I receive, comes out of my pocket.
I don't think I would try talking to Chuck. You've done that before. I doubt it would get you anywhere. I think I would get all the documentation and receipts you can assemble and go find a competent lawyer. I think the support degree should have been a lot more precise in it's wording of what Chuck was responsible for. It is written in kind of a vague way. Still, if he hasn't paid any of the additional expenses, you should be able to get something.
I know Canada is a bit different in its support laws, but I'm guessing once he left college, Ex's legal obligation stopped. It's worth asking about, though. It would be very rare in my state, for anyone to get child support past eighteen.
You can't really make somebody be a proper parent. I doubt I'd even address that one.
