Now what is this about your H being fixed & y'all gotta be fixed? You have traveled the journey of 1000 DBing miles AND your H followed; he will eventually catch up, just remember you had a head start .
This is wonderful that you're continuing to see your SBT to proactively deal with the suppressed feelings. Y'know, I like how the SBT presented the tumor example; you can use the information to your advantage -- how would you act if the OW had been a tumor that had been removed from your H (okay, okay, so the OW was a tumor that was removed, via DB-style surgery...LOL ):
quote:...Well if it had been me I would have taken away several things, like make everyday with your family count, and never give up just because one person tells you something can't be done...
I do believe your analytical mind answered THE question already JW .
You have worked extremely hard towards your goal during the past few months. Now that you have achieved the goal of reconciliation perhaps it is time to refocus on another challenge. Your H has already given you a clue of what that is -- not try to make him into someone he's not. Hmmm, is it time to exchange DB for WGtCHM (I don't recall the updated title).
JW, you are an absolutely amazing woman. As GG indicated, you have the cake. Please refocus on the basics of DBing -- glass is 1/2 full, can't fix the past, you aren't able to control another but you are able to control yourself (thoughts) etc... Sheesh, what am I telling you that you don't already know?
BTW, I'm still waiting for a post from you that says 'Hey, I'm going to Disneyland!' when another DBer asks what are you gonna do now that you've turned your emotional roller coaster ride ticket in. Hmmm, there's a thought, screaming on a real roller coaster is a great way to relieve stress. What do you think? You & your H up for a trip to see the Mouse?
As always, Best Wishes to you & your family JW!
[This message has been edited by pondering (edited 02-09-2000).]
Just wanted to drop in and let you all know that I am doing well. Reading your messages and seeing how much we all have in common helped a lot. I am accepting the fact that my H just doesn't think the same way I do and apparently many of your spouses don't either. I will try to learn as much as I can about how his mind works differently because I am sure that the more I understand the better our realtionship can be.
I read somewhere that women think with both sides of their brains and men can only think with one side. Interesting isn't it. I almost feel sorry for them because they are at a disadvantage. Hold on guys I know some of you are working harder than your wives are at putting your relationships back together. Maybe thats MLC. I still wonder sometimes if MLC is real or if it is an excuse to get away with doing bad things. For now I will consider it an illness they have no controll over and give them the same caring I would give to anyone who is ill.
Pondering we won't be going to Disneyland for some time however we are going to Reno this weekend. Our only child is getting married and we are planning on having a wonderful time. I am sure now that my perspective is in better shape I will be able to relax and enjoy what we do have together.
I would prefer to take the time and write a long post thanking each of you individualy but I am tired tonight and want to go to bed early. I have much to do in the next few days getting ready for this trip so might not be able to post as often as I would like. Know that I am with you all in spirit.
Congratulations GG on your wonderful success. I remember when you were writing the paper keeping your mind on something positive and it paid off didn't it. You derserve it and I am proud of you.
To all, please keep Ronnie going in my absence. She is doing so much better and finally seems to be getting a grip on this DB stuff. I will keep in touch.
I haven't posted in awhile but I have been reading the message boards trying to keep up with everyone.
Our daughters wedding was wonderful. Her fellow loves her so much that anyone can see it written all over him. I guess that is what I wanted from my H too. However maybe I was being unrealistic. My H was like that 30 years ago. I remember well how in the beginning he felt I could do no wrong and I could see the love on his face then too. What happens as we get older? I wonder if H remembers how he felt and acted in the beginning of our marriage? Maybe I'll ask him sometime.
I think I am getting better about letting go of the anger and resentment. I reread Micheles article on forgiveness. Maybe I need to read it everyday for a while.
I know I have gotten tired of trying to change my H into somebudy he is not. It just isn't going to work out that way. While I would love for him to keep apologizing and grovel just a little after what he put me through it isn't going to happen. Our therapist tells me he is showing me he loves me in his way and I know he thinks he has given up a lot for me because he gave up two jobs that kept him away evenings and weekends so he could spend more time with me and the family. Thats great so how come so much of the time is spent in front of the big screen TV in the other room. I can only watch so much TV and I gotta do something else. He loves it though.
I know we are going to be OK. I just need some time to sort things out. I am relearning that we have to make ourselves happy by being good to ourselves. I let up on my diet and exercize program and am now anxious to get back to it. I am going back to my DB ways and I think I will be happier that way. I will be the best me I can be for myself and that will make me happy. Meanwhile as long as H is happy he can sit in front of that TV as long as he wants too. After all it is better than what he was doing.
Johnswife, Congratulations on being able to keep hanging on! Your H is lucky to have you. You are willing to work on yourself, to try to let go of the blame and resentment, to keep working towards solutions. Yes, what does happen to the love as we get older. My marriage is only 7.5 years old, but by the time it was 3-4 years old the look of love had vanished. I guess the phermones (sp?) must have disappeared. Something else I was thinking about, I think our anger and resentment might be a way of us trying to regain control of the situation. If OS who have left came back apologizing and groveling, that puts US back in the drivers seat, doesn't it? We feel like WE have to power to decide whether they get to stay or go. I know that I am a bit of a control freak when things DIRECTLY effect me-- which unfortunately includes most of what my H does and dosen't do. And once I started thinking about the desire for him to apologize in that light, I was able to let it go easier-- since one of the things I am working hard on is not trying to control him. Just a thought. At any rate! Congrats, keep DBing, and enjoy the baby steps forward.
Hi friends. I promised you an update so here it is.
I saw our SBT therapist this afternoon by myself to work out some of my problems. She told me she could tell from our last two joint sessions that I was having a lot of difficulty and that is why she asked to see me alone. If I had continued on the way I was I could have undone all the progress we have made. I told her I knew that and I have been struggling the last several weeks with all kinds of questions in my mind and expecting too much too fast.
I told her I have decided with the help of everyone here that what I need to do is detach a little bit. Too go on working on myself and enjoying the realtionship that H and I have found together. I need to give us some time to just let things happen naturally. I also told her I was going to ask my H to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with me in July. She said my strategy was again excellent and kept saying what a strong person I am.
I have focused too much on trying to have the best marriage ever right now and have been obsessing and analyzing everything to death. Now I am going to let go of all of that crap and just enjoy every moment I can.
I did ask the therapist how my H could have crossed that line when he is so committed to me. Was it MLC or just how did he justify his behavior and what does that say about his character? Her answer was she couldn't tell me why except that we were in a stressful situation at the time. (At the time this affair got started my H the OW and others they worked with found out the place they worked at would be closing and they would be out of jobs.) I wasnt't too worried about it because I knew we would be OK but my H was stressed. She did say that what happened to us and I think particularly him is very very common. I asked her how our H's could just wake up one day and its like nothing ever happened, you know the amnesia thing. She said it seems to her like some people just go into a coma like state for a while and then come out of it in time.
She pointed out to me that my H does have a lot of wonderful attributes and he does. She also said most of us women do not get our all of our emotionnal needs filled by our H's but that it is us women talking to other women that helps fill our need for communication. I think she is right about that. Its time to appreciate the things H does give me and focus on the positives. She states by focusing on the positives I will be happier and H will give me more of what I need.
We talked a little about the differences between men and women. They truly are different from us. My H is a Martian no doubt and I may never understand him completely. Heck my Phd. therapist admits that she hasn't got men totally figured out yet either. Well Marian he may be but he is my Favorite Martian.
H is waiting for me to get done with this and help him fill out some paperwork so I got to go. By letting go I do feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted of my shoulders and I am ready to take on the challenges ahead. Hope this helps someone.
Thanks for the post sharing with us your counsellor's answers to your questions. I have not been involved in counselling for awhile, and it was good for me to hear those answers again. I, too am going to reread Michelle's article on forgiveness. That is what brought me to these boards initially.
Regarding your counselling session, I think that maybe we had already figured out or heard those same ideas, but it takes strength and resolution for me to keep them at the front of my mind. It seems that there are things that I know and accept intellectually, but that I have difficulty accepting and holding on to emotionally or intuitively.
On one level I understand the coma analogy. I can see that my H had little understanding of what was really going on with anything while the ea was in full swing. The early post affair recovery period was also a time of continued confusion. Nevertheless, I have this raw intuitive fear about how he could have done some of the things he did while semi comatose or how he could've gone as far as he did without waking up or at least coming to intermittently. I'll always think that I would feel more secure if he could ever get to the point that he could discuss his affair openly. I doubt that will ever come, however.
I also relate to what Sonia posts about the need for control. My H doesn't seem to feel the need to be in absolute control of his life. He seems to have the self confidence that he can deal with whatever comes along as it comes. On the other hand my need to explore the possible outcomes of all major decisions is sometimes paralysing. The real irony here is that his self confidence is TOTALLY UNFOUNDED. He just doesn't know it and doesn't seem to mind taking 3 steps backward for every 1 step he takes forward. It may be another of those man / woman things, but he generally is one who acts first and thinks about it later or better yet not at all.
The challenge for me always is to see his many good qualities and to accept that the glass is half full. Because we all seem to be wrestling the same demons as we come through recovery, I have to believe that most of this is normal and natural. It is good to read the posts of others who are struggling to adjust expectations, memory, and reality.
Good morning to the best group of cyber friends anyone could have. You hear so much about internet relationships these days. The wonderful bond we have all developed on these messageboards must be the very best kind of internet relationship. Thank you Michele for providing this forum.
Since I decided to let go of the negative feelings I was going through I feel so much better. I am much more relaxed which allows me to enjoy not only my relationship with my H but everything else too. We seem to be making baby steps everyday and I am beginning to feel really safe again and that feels sooo good after the rollercoaster ride.
We actually ran into the OW one evening last week. My H and I had gone to one of the places he used to work at with the OW. This is a large facility and neither of us was sure we would see her. In fact my H tried hard not to run into her. We said hello to many of his co-workers whom he misses. They all wanted to know how his health was and if he was coming back. My H told them he probably will not be back. He worked with these people for over 10 years and many are good people and good friends. We had been there for a while and were on our way out to come home when we saw her walking with another employee towards us. I asked him if he wanted to go in a different direction and he said no. We had to walk past each other and they both stared straight ahead and did not look at each other. I looked and saw that her eyes were red. I think she had heard that we were there from others and had been crying. As I said we were on our way out and just kept going. I paid close attention for the next couple of days because I wanted to see if this near encounter had an effect on my H. Somehow we managed to not let it affect us. I needed a little extra reassurance and he gave it to me.
I don't want to leave this place and will stay around for a while if thats OK with the rest of you. I want to watch as each one of you finds happiness again too. I want to celebrate with you with that time comes for you.
I was bouncing around the threads here in the last couple of days and David said something that really hit home with me. He said time and patience are the two things DBers must focus on. He is so right.
Please, stick around! Your presense here can assist the rest of us through this recovery process.
You sound so much better, now that you've let the negativity go. Good for you! More progress, more baby steps forward.
Give yourself an A+ for handling yourself like the classy lady that you are (seeing OW at H's previous place of work). It must have been difficult. Had you previously met her? Or known what she looked like B4? I have this dememted desire to know what my H's OW looks like. Why? I keep asking myself. And I cannot know if it will hurt or help me if I do find out? And what would it matter anyhow? It's strange.
I am so happy for you JW, in that you and your H are living proof that Michele's technique works. Please don't leave DB land just yet. May we feed off your positive results?
I too believe David's advice about time and patience! It is an absolute must! Although there are time's when we lose sight of both of them.
JW, BIG congratulatory pats on the back and hugs. Letting go of those feelings can really help free us from a tangle that would hold us back, doesn't it? Please, stick around. There are those of us who are on the right track, heading in the right direction, but we need to keep hearing from others who are even further along. Keep doing what you're doing, as it's working! Do more of it! Congrats again! Sonia
Hi Chelsea and Sonia and thanks for your replys and for wanting me to stick around because I really like it here. Where else can we go to find people who understand exactly how we are feeling and can offer us comfort and support. I will be here everyday to check up on everybody and if I can help I will jump right in. So many others seems to be so much more eloquent than I but what I write comes comes straight from the heart. I love you all even though I may never set eyes on you. Interesting isn't it that we all have images in our minds of each other from our posting and feel so close yet wouldn't recognize each other if we passed by. Maybe we haven't seen each other with our eyes but we certainaly have seen each other with our hearts and maybe that is more important anyway.
Chelsea yes I knew very well who the OW was. I vagely (sp?) remember her from high school. We met again several years after high school when one of my sisters acting as a real estate agent sold her and her husband their home. Then years later my H came home and told me she had been hired where he worked. It was hey guess who they hired at work. She was the only female in a large group of men performing a blue collar job. To the day the place of business closed last Sept. she was still the only female there.
I knew my H had befriended her when he would come home years ago and tell me how sorry he felt for her because of problems in her marriage and life. I guess she would come to work and cry on his shoulder. I'm sure they remained friends for years but when they found out 3 years ago that they would all be out of jobs this year I am sure they both went into a crisis state that I didn't understand. You see I wasn't worried about what he would do for a job when the time came because I have a good job and felt that anything he could get would be OK. I didn't understand that a Martian needs to feel as though he is providing and must be made to feel good about himself when he is with you. At the time I was going through a tough time too because my mother was terminaly ill.
At the time my H was obsessed with working and was working two part time jobs on top of the full time job. His OW went and got a job at one of his part time jobs so they could be together 60 hours a week instead of 40. Meanwhile back here at the ranch so to speak I was only seeing my H when he was exhausted and grouchy which does not make for a loving relationship. So we would argue about his not having time to spend with me and he would spend even less with me because he would rather be with her. You see she called him her her knight in shining armour and was always telling him he was sooo wonderful I am sure. At any rate that is pretty much how we got here.
We had been married 30 years and I found out about their plans to divorce their spouses and be together last June. I found this site and began DBing right away. My H's position for 2 months was that nothing I could do would change anything because he was committed to her and was not going to hurt her. This he told me in our first therapy appointment with an SBT therapist in August. Then he had a month or better of confusion. Hell I was glad he was confused at that point for it was progress. Then at the end of November he told me he was not going anywhere. He told me in front of the therapist that he would tell OW before Christmas that it was over and he wanted no further contact with her. That is how we have gotten to where we are. It has taken more strenght than I thought I had. There were months of despair, not knowing if I could turn this around or not. I was DBing my heart out with 180's and being so understanding to my H. At the time I kept telling myself that no matter what I would always know that I did everything I could to save my marriage. It took patience and time so that he could sort things out.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 02-27-2000).]
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