Xue I think you are really on the right track here and I think there are hidden messages for you in her messages to the student it will be interesting to see how her talk affects his decision and how interesting that she sees there is a differece between love and like and that you can not like someone for awhile but still love them
now I have to say get your ar$e over to my thread I need your help - I got a call a 40 minute call and then got stressed and now am going out to drink with friends need your insight
I'll keep an eye on your thread bj. Keep us posted if you have time. But hopefully you won't have time.
I realized something yesterday.
I've always known how reactive I was to W's mood but now I realize she is even more reactive to mine.
I had to deal with a business associate who I swear is bipolar. He's all over the place emotionally and under a great deal of stress right now.
I've learned really well how to deal with the negative mood swings and to help a person out of them. Of course we all know where I have learned these skills.
However it still brings me down a bit and I come home and vent with my wife. If I didn't she'd know I was lying. she expects it when I deal with him.
I was really paying attention to her mood and I realize that it really swings dramatically from my venting. We talked a little bit about it and there isn't much of a way around it other than me Acknowledging and validating her feelings when this occurs. This I need to work on.
Of course I've known this for a long time but it really hit me yesterday.
I need to work on how to A & V and bring her out of it quickly when this occurs.
I also need to make sure I am up more since she is certain to react off of this also.
Quote: I was really paying attention to her mood and I realize that it really swings dramatically from my venting
Quote: there isn't much of a way around it other than me Acknowledging and validating her feelings when this occurs. This I need to work on.
sorry No
you see you can't be responsible for all her feelings and I am glad that you both had a discussion about it
what needs to happen is for her to realise you are venting to her as she is safe you are in business together and she is the most logical person for you to vent about business stuff to other wise you would get into a bad business practice of doing it with another 'customer' and risk it getting back to the first person
what she needs to do is not get sucked into your venting emotion and realise it is your emotion not hers and when you have finished smile and say - feel better
so sorry to disagree but you cannot be watching your emotions and hers in this type of situation she needs to learn that it is not hers and to dare I say it 'detach' from what you are saying
thanks for pointing out to me that I should let go of my 'rescuer' mindset in relation to h
need to keep the focus on me - and what is good for me in the long run
do you realise that you have what many people on here would kill for 'great communication'
you really do deserve a big pat on the back pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat
W has made a few sarcastic jealous sounding remarks lately. There's a woman that works at starbucks that flirts with me a little. I don't pay any attention. My W hates her. Evidently she asks my W about me. This is the second woman to do this. What's up with that. So when I head to Starbucks this morning my wife says " oh are you missing ..."
I don't know how to take that one.
She got pissy a couple of months ago at a woman at the bank who was inquiring about me too.
well I guess you need to work out what will get you the response you want
personally I would either make a joke of it - or start drinking water
seriously there is not a lot you can do is she saying it jokingly or seriously
you could always look a little sad and say 'why would you say that? now I might have to start drinking bottled water - unless of course you want to go get the coffee for me'
dunno I guess you have to work out how it 'feels' - the energy/atmosphere at the time
or go to another coffee shop??
and see what happens when you come back with coffee from somewhere else?
I never could figure if she was joking. Which is rare and probably means she was being a bit sarcastic.
I'm going to chalk it up to a momentary self esteem issue on her end and leave it alone. I will certainly get coffee elsewhere though.
Bits of humor are beginning to creep in. This is good. She's been playing interceptor between my mom and I again. This used to be a big problem but seems to be just fine now. W seems pretty detached from my Mom's negativity and almost entertained by it some times. Probably because I am. Used to really get to me so W would always intercept and then it would get to her.
So she's talking to my mom and my mom's talking about my brother's sitch. In my brother's sitch his girlfriends (now ex girlfriend) mother is a part of the problem. So my mom says to W "Well they would have made it if it wasn't for her mother". My W almost falls out of her chair laughing. She controls herself until she gets off the phone and then tells me and we both crack up big time. W goes on about it making jokes, we're both laughing about it pretty hard.
I guess that is good. And an admission that my mom was a big part of the problem. Which W denied many months ago.
I've been doing well. Changing my daily routine up pretty good. I think it helps.
She was a bit nervous heading out to have the talk with the student. I was laying on the couch being indifferent (180 for me, previously I would have been up to give her a kiss goodbye) So she told me to get up and wish her luck (Hey this stuff works)
So I think the talk was good for her. Pretty damn emotional since she was spilling the beans on all the crap we've been through the last few years. The huge risks we took and how we paid dearly for them. Essentially she was seeing things from my side. The student is like the WAS. It's pretty much the same. We've kept what we went through pretty secret. It's like protecting your children.
She said she didn't cry but when she recounted the whole thing to me she was fighting off tears pretty hard. They were good though. It was a total release for her.
I could hear between the words. She was really saying how it had nearly broke us and nearly broke our marriage. We sat and talked for a long time and then decided to go to dinner.
This was really good. It feels like healing. It feels like she is healing.
I could go on and on about everything but I don't think I need to.
It seems the more I back off and become unconcerned with the situation, the more she wants to hang out with me and the better it gets. Just feels that way.
Guess I'll keep it up :-)
Maybe if I pull away enough it will pull her right into our bed.
Xue, Impressive as always. You are always analyzing and adjusting.
Just wanted to stop in and tell you I was still alive and kicking. (crescent, axe, wheel, frontball, etc) I am still doing the one constant in my life and that is taking Kempo. It is my center. I just tested for a belt on Sat 17th. I am now a Green w/stripe. My D13 also tested for the same belt and took the adult test. I am so proud of her stepping up to that level. Next belt will be brown.
Glad things are going so positive for you.
TD
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
