Big congrats to you. In the system I teach green is a pretty huge hurdle. I'm sure it is there also. I've thought about you but haven't checked in. I'll have to stop by.
Attack and adjust. I Try to live by it but it's hard.
This whole thing is difficult no matter how things are going. Very difficult.
I was just reading a post I have printed on my office wall from BJ and the last line is making much more sense. It talks about in the end it really won't matter to us if we win this battle or not because we gave it our all and fought the fight. Before that seemed like an untruth. Only for if it didn't work out. But now it seems true either way.
Ok I just have to relay this but probably shouldn't. Lately I've been feeling a bit spunky and being a bit sharp witted (sorry bj) So tonight we're joking around and my wife says something about me getting screwed (she wasn't thinking sexually) and I say oh yeah that would be great. W starts in with her come backs and says "Oh no not tonight your in the dog house"
But I notice when she comes by that her nipples are hard as rocks. I've never seen this before from a comment.
So this morning she's up first and a little cranky but trying to hide it. She says's "I just cant sleep here its to loud" There's a truck that's been coming by early and it is quite loud. We used to live way out in the country where there was no noise.
So we have coffee but things are a little quiet and I'm not yet sure why.
Then she tells me to leave her office so she can call our business partner back. Evidently he has called that morning and talked to her. In her opinion she said something that is going to cause problems. Quick run down on him, he's got napolean complex badly. He's a little guy with self esteem issues and I always think about the scene in Shrek where they look up and say "Do you think he's compensating for something"
He's also very negative but seemed like a very positive person when we went into business. I suspect he is bipolar.
So he's always buying really expensive and unneccessary equipment and always doing the opposite of my suggestions seemingly to prove himself.
We did not realize any of this about him before going into business.
My W is pretty sensitive to this. She hates that he doesn't listen to me. She says his problem is that he's trying to be smarter than me.
So this morning he's telling her how he thinks he is going to do a certain thing. Through years of experience we know what he is proposing is wrong. She says something very slight which let's him know that. It doesn't go well.
So she's trying to call him back to fix it. He's not answering.
She finally comes out and vents to me and she is very self blaming. Remember that she attributes many of the bad events in our life to her temper. Although her temper may have been a catalyst it didn't cause those situations.
So she says
"and you need therapy because you married someone just like your mother and then went into business with someone just like her too."
I'm realizing right now that I must shut down somewhat in these events because my memory of it is not good. I know I used to shut down hard but I must still do it to some extent. I can never remember what exactly was said.
But I do remember saying "I love my wife very much exactly the way she is"
Her reaction to that was not good because she was still in her state of rage.
She's was saying on her way out that she was very sorry because she knows I hate dealing with him (business partner) when he's on a downer and I have to deal with him like this today because of her.
So obviously her self esteem issues are popping up. She's blaming herself which is related to her self esteem issues. She feels she has to protect me and his not listening to me feels like an attack to her. She has always been very controlling. I'm wondering if that is coming into play and the fact that he won't do things our way is really affecting her because she wants to control. I realized it does affect me also.
We want him to succeed but he seems to be more concerned with his ego.
I see that she is playing out the drama triangle with him. I believe I am not.
OK BJ, I know your busy but I'd sure appreciate some help on this.
Xue
Let's just hope these are our old issues resurfacing because things are healing. The book says this happens.
W has come back from errands and found me on the phone with business partner. Everything was fine with him, he was just calling to have one of those long talk about whatever conversations that just is his way of making sure everything is fine.
So when I tell her everything is fine and it's no big deal she asks if she should call and say something. I say no, it's no big deal just leave it alone and it will go away.
So now she's perfectly fine, perfectly happy, and wants to go play hookey and go to lounch with me.
Ah women
Well kinda but not too much.
So her and I just talked about the situation and it went well and afterwards she says. "Well I just wanted to call him and explain my reaction. That's why I'm going back into therapy"
I point at the diagram of the drama triangle hanging on my wall and she says "yep, round and round we go"
She did say "Now I've got to find a therapist" That's good, if she were to go back to her old one I'd freak.
Maybe this is a good time to suggest a phone consult with one of the therapists here.
???
BJ, I really wished you lived right down the street. You and my wife would totally be best friends.
hey Xue just checked my email and am glad you sent it as I wouldn't have been on here till after the weekend
I can't believe you have never noticed a physical response from just talking before you are obviously not looking - the eyes are a dead give away watch the size of the pupils I think 'the day' is getting closer and closer she didn't wake up cranky she woke up frustrated and she hasn't worked out yet what to do about it
If I was her friend who lived up the street I would be telling her to go 'bonk your brains out'
this business partner of yours - is it possible that he at first felt you were both supportive and positive and now you pour water on his ideas simply because you have been in the business a long time and have already tried his ideas?? is he likely to greatly affect you if you let him try and idea that won't work what I am trying to say is 'how much of his actions directly affect you and your business and therefore how much of this is really your problem are you guys making this your problem would it be possible and if yes therefore easier to let him try - maybe tell him something like 'well that's up to you and I guess the only way we learn is to find out for ourselves and experience the results - when we tried that it didn't work but hey it may work for you - different times, situation, people environment etc - you make the decision !!! are you in a position to do this rather than be the I know all the answers person and you should only do what I say is goodperson? are you able to be the you give it a try and I am here if it doesn't work for you type of person???? Otherwise (from his point of view) nothing he is doing is good enough I don't know if you are in a position to do this - kind of like what you would do with a kid - let them have the experience and be there to help if it fails sometimes we have to remember that doing is all about learning and we need to learn from our own experience and not the experience of others (sounds like you both want to help so much that you try to get him to learn from the experience you both have had and that won't work for him)
memory shut down is normal particularly under stressful conditions if in the past this type of interaction (between you and wife was stressful) you would automatically remember this and your mind would block out what you don't want to remember also I think you are very easy going in general and it is not in your personality to focus on conversations to the extent required to be able to bring forth memories of particulars ie yeah well on monday you said >>>>>>>> I remember you are more inclined to remember generalities and not specifics
you know next time your wife is 'venting' about something and she crosses over to making it about herself and how 'she caused it' agree with her - change the dynamics of the interaction - then smile and laugh at yourself out loud - you need to become really cheeky have an extremely dry sense of humour about the whole thing - tell her not agreeing with her doesn't seem to be working so you are going to try agreeing and if that doesn't work then you may just try sitting on the fence and just listening - be very cheeky about it it should promote a discussion of what exactly it is she is expecting from you when venting (and vice versa)
One thing I have noticed over the years you guys (Americans) have a tendency towards being serious - you say what you mean and mean what you say!!!! English and Aussies are the opposite they 'pull your leg' make a joke of it - have an it will be ok in the end attitude
if she were to say to me I needed therapy because I married my mother and got her as a business partner I would probably look really shocked and run around saying no no don't put that thought in my head next time I kiss you I will be thinking of kissing my mother yuk yuk and next time I see ...... (business partner) I won't be able to stop laughing for picturing him in my mothers clothes or at the very least her underwear
thing is - maybe you did marry her because she is like your mother in some ways - but fact is she is not your mother the other thing is our thoughts are very subjective so the things you may see in your w that may remind you of your mother are not exactly what she sees as reminding her of your mother - and even if you have talked to her about how you perceive your mother you perceptions are coloured by your experience and her perception of yours is coloured by her experience so 2 + 2 does not always make 4
I really do think you need to change the dynamics of your interactions slightly begin to think how do you normally react and move it to the left a lift and don't react quite the same as you normally do
find a brief solution focuses therapist look them up one the web look at what brief solution focused therapy is
they look at exceptions, they look at what goes right and when it goes right, what is happening when things are going right - how often things go right what is good about the relationship the focus is on positives not what is going wrong knowing what is wrong doesn't fix it looking at what is good and right gives you tools to fix the bits that are not good
you should be able to buy a book on solution focused therapy probably at Borders or one of the big book stores
look around there is info about BSFT on the following website [url=http://www.brieftherapysydney.com.au/btis/brief.html] Brief solution focused therapy website Sydney[/url]
Thanks so much and I'll need to read that over a few times.
Just wanted to say that today has been a productive day. W has brought up in a sarcastic tone several times about her need for "long term therapy" to help her with her strong angry reactions. We talked a little about things several times. Her reactions, my shutting down. This was the first time we have ever talked like this in a completely relaxed tone. This was different for us. No blaming, just talking about things in a manner where we were both looking for solutions and trying to help each other at it.
So what did I do? I brought her an article on changing habits which was a SBT approach. I explained to her about SBT (which I've tried a few times at but she just got defensive) I explained to her what it was and a little about SBT. I told her I wanted the article back because I liked it and reffered to it often.
Guess what? it went really well. She started making jokes about how dangerous it was for me to give her something like that. How she would normally go off at it. It was kinda funny and we both laughed.
This has been very good in the end. I guess it had to come to a head a bit to find a solution. The time was right.
I've finally stepped up the GAL like I should have a long time ago.
Friday I could feel that things were getting stagnant. Just around each other too much. Nothing bad just kinda boring. So I took D to the movies.
Saturday morning we were talking about what we were going to do for the weekend. We discussed going to the lake to watch the firworks (our town does them early). But neither of us were to thrilled about it.
So when I ask her if she wants to go to the lake and watch fireworks with me she says "I would like to go with you but I really want to go do some girl stuff, buy bra's and stuff and go up the hill to check on the house" I say great, why don't you do that. She suggests I go to the coast and get some reading done. I tell her that if I was going to the coast I'd rather take her.
I then go and call a friend and within minutes arrange a ski trip. He has a cabin on this lake near Napa. Big party lake. I'm on the phone within within earshot and I say "I'm sure we can find someone to hold a flag for us" refferring to the fact that we'll need a third person in the boat and there are just the two of us.
I'm packed and out the door in under 20 minutes. Funny, she unpacked and repacked my bags for me.
There was what I percieved as an instant reaction. She came to me and was affectionate.
When I got back she subtly inquired about whether or not we had a flag holder.
So yes, I think I have found the secret. Even though I've been told it numerous times.
