New to Piecing

[COG]

Well I decided to accept the invite to Piecing. W and I reconciled about two months ago. We still are'nt living together, but we're easing into things. We spend about five nights a week together. Neither of our two houses are big enough so we have'nt moved in on top of each other. I think that's very wise. Give's us each a little space to escape to when we need it. It's kind of fun, like being engaged.

I don't have any concerns about our future. I choose not to worry about it. I try to just enjoy what we have right now which is very beautiful and fulfilling. W is still working on HER. She's not completely comfortable with sex, but she's slowly softening, allowing more and more. It's baby steps forever.

We do share some wonderfully warm and intimate times together though. Lots of cuddling, holding, smooching, and fondling. She's beautiful inside and out, and I remind of of it regularly.

I initiate the moves for more physical intimacy, attempting to move from cuddling in bed, to something involving more skin. She says she does'nt mind as long as it's OK when she says she's had enough, or becomes uncomfortable. I have been completely supportive, gentle, and understanding. She says she know's she'll get there soon, and thanks me for being so patient with her.

Any input, pointers, ideas welcome. Basically it would be nice to have the deep and beautiful sexual R to go with everything else that we have going so well.

Thanks,

COG

[jacqm]

Wow, COG, you have a lot of strength!
Its so wonderful that the 2 of you are starting so slowwwly--returning to the dating/engagement without the urgency of the first time. This is going to keep building to a fiery climax! are you able to enjoy the anticipation? to prolong the fulfillment? You know you will get there eventually; are you planning the 'big night'? Something special and romantic for when it does happen (like a second, better wedding night)?
what i wouldn't give to be in your shoes with my H! Someday, I pray! good luck and hang in there!
jacqm

[COG]

I have'nt posted here in awhile but I'm feeling the need right now. Hopefully there'll be some input for me.

Background:
W39
Me47
4 kids 8-14
separated for 4 years, now back together for the past six months.

Things started out fantastic when we first got back together. Physical intimacy, great convos about our future, etc. However, we've back slid somewhat. We've only been physically intimate once in the past few months. W says she's just not ready. She say's it's kind of like she's dating me and does'nt want to go all the way yet. I've been VERY patient and understanding and she would be the first to attest to that. She's praying for the kind of feelings a W should feel for her H.

I'm pulled two ways here. One part of me is patient, wants to hang in there, continues to show love, honor, support, care, generosity, compliments, etc. I am a peach at home, the perfect H. Although I'm starting to lack enthusiasm I still think she's beautiful and still have feelings for her.

The other side of me says, "I am over this". I've waited long enough. There are plenty of women out there, and I'm sick from not being fed! Why is this so difficult, even for two people that want it to happen? If it has'nt happened by now, it NEVER will and I am OK with that.

So, I'm generally pulled in two directions again. Although I had another thought today. As I pondered the fact that we are basically in the position that we were in a few years ago, I had a vision. It feels like we're working our way backward, through emotions that we had during our separation, and we're going to keep working back until we get to the point when wer were IL with each other. It may be wishful thinking, but I've got to have something to hang on to now don't I.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am much more attractive when I'm honey, than when I'm vinegar; that D is very hard on kids; that D rates are higher for 2nd M's than first M's; and that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

I went to mass this morning and the message I got was, "it's a long way from the bridge to the rocks".

Love,

COG

[Roktop]

Your going to be pulled in two drirecitons for a while...

I can see the same thing your going through that may happen in my own sitch someday... or maybe never...

I would say just go with it for now... Date her... treat her like anew person that has many qualities you like and see how it goes.. don't commit to soon just try to enjoy it.

ROK

[believing_isaiah43]

COG, I totally could've written your post about my own situation with my H, as far as how I feel about us and how he doesn't feel, etc.

It's everloving torture, that is for sure, and I don't have half as much time logged in the post-bomb era as YOU have -- so I know you're frustrated. I'm rooting for you; keep us posted!

[cat03]

Hey there! glad to see you here. I totally understand you, there come times when I say the exact thing to myself "why am I waiting for this person to love me when I could be loved by someone else?" We both have fought too hard to let go of the price now, it is at our grasp.
I think it has to do w/the fact that in our battle to get our Ss back we've put our feelings in the back burner and now our hurt comes out, all those feelings we witheld are coming out in a torrent and we want to be satisfied.

It almost feels like being rejected, but for now our Ss aren't ready, when they were away they made themselves forget how much they loved us and all the good times they had with us. So it's back to square one, I know its frustrating, but it seems your W is pretty close, if there is some intimacy and contact I think you guys are in the right track, dont' despair now!

[COG]

We're making progress. I'm currently going through a 12 step Alanon program. One of the first things that hit me was that I'm not responsible for somebody elses feelings or actions. I'm a good man, good father, good H. There are not very many men out there that would have the kind of devotion that I've shown my W over the past 6 years. I'm a good bread winner, responsible, physically fit, morally good natured, and spiritually growning and connected. That my W does'nt have the "feelings" she wants, is HER responsibility not mine. Just thinking that lifts a lot of pressure off my shoulders. I'm doing very well, feeling great, and doing the right things. I am very happy with myself right now, and I'm not going to be drug down by anyone else's weaknesses.

Now, that does'nt mean I don't love, honor, and respect my W. I do. I am gentle, caring, supportive, and patient. I have'nt been pushing at all, but I'm doing a soft 180 on that. I kind of reached a boiling point last week, and I'm glad I waited a few days before I approached her to talk about it. I prayed that God give me the right words to speak to her.

I acknowledged to her how I understand that she does'nt feel like it, that she's uncomfortable with it, not ready for it. I also acknowledged how busy she is, and how tired she can get. Then in the most sincere and determined words, I explained how important it is for ME to have some physical interaction. I explained how it is something that I dearly miss, and what messages I'm missing. So, I neatly proposed that we have a little fun night once a week. I promised that she was free to read or do anything she wants six nights a week and I would'nt pursue her at all, but on the seventh night, we play. To my delight and surprise, she quickly answered OK.

So, we had our first fun night this weekend, and it was delightful. She is clearly uncomfortable, we did'nt get to home plate, but I'd say we made 2nd base. I'm feeling a whole lot better today than I did last week. It's amazing how a little naked frolicking can recharge the batteries.

I'm praying for God to bless me with the kind of feelings a H should feel for his W, and for my W the kind of feelings a W should feel for her H.

God Bless,

COG

[Just_Me]

COG,

Man, you have the patience of a saint. I wish I had some advise to offer, but don't really know what I would do in your situation. It is absolutely foreign to me.

When my w/xw finally started thinking about "us" again and said that she loved me, I came home from out of town and she took me to bed right away for sex. I guess I've always felt that the physical intimacy went hand in hand with emotional intimacy. When my wife was not feeling the emotional side of it, the physical side waned. So I would never have felt like we were truly connected unless we had the physical as well. I have to admire your perseverence. I probably wouldn't be with my wife if it was just words without any action. But maybe for some couples it just takes more time and a different road. When her heart is completely in it, her body I would think would naturally follow.

I love how you stated your needs to her and came up with a potential solution. Hopefully that works out for you. My only suggestion is to perhaps post in the sexual difficulties area and see if you can get some useful feedback. I guess I would also suggest engaging in foreplay that she can't resist.

Me

[COG]

Me,

Thanks for the response.

I've always felt that the physical intimacy went hand in hand with emotional intimacy. When my wife was not feeling the emotional side of it, the physical side waned.

So true. I believe that's the case in my sitch. She's changing gradually instead of in lightning bolt fashion though. The feelings are coming, just seeping in slowly.

So I would never have felt like we were truly connected unless we had the physical as well.

True again, and while W and I are together, loving each other, and making things work, I truly don't feel connected yet.

When her heart is completely in it, her body I would think would naturally follow.

That's what I'm looking forward to. She's heading in that direction, making prgress, it's baby steps.

My only suggestion is to perhaps post in the sexual difficulties area and see if you can get some useful feedback.

I've lurked there but have'nt seen much that looks very helpful.

I guess I would also suggest engaging in foreplay that she can't resist.

Could ya be a little more specific about that?

[Just_Me]

Could ya be a little more specific about that?

Hard to be specific without knowing what you've tried, been pushed away on, have not had success with, or are opposed to on moral grounds.

I guess I was thinking of perhaps looking through a kama sutra or other similar book. Perhaps start with a massage and let it get more sensual. That was often an in for me...start with a massage to relax her, then make it more about kissing her randomly, but slowly working towards more errogenous regions. Be unpredictable where you kiss or lick, but eventually zero in. I don't know your or your wife's feelings on oral sex (for her), but mine generally can't resist, even when she's initially not in the mood. All this of course embarrassed me.