You don't have to work up a sweat to benefit from resistance training. I seldom sweat when I lift weights.
Wouldn't it be good to lift weights at home with H, though? Then he could SEE you working out, plus he would probably enjoy getting to be the "expert" and help you learn to do it properly etc. Could you just walk on your lunch, then lift weights at home?
Not sure if you drink, and I'm certainly NOT endorsing alcoholism, but go home and have a nice, big, ol glass of wine. Whew, nothing like that to suck you back into REAL reality.
I hope you DO get your mind off of things. Remember, DO NOT get pulled by H's emotions. I did so much the last few weeks and the days that I did not, right before H left, when I was kind and cheery no matter what, he totally calmed down. In my H's case, it's more like he's on defensive to my reactions. Your H has other issues with residual rejection and fear of rejection from you going on.
So, get centered again. Be happy, cheery an live in YOUR reality. Ignore the fake one that he presents (or doesn't present). No matter what mood H is in, how needy or weird, just be cheery and happy for YOU. Enjoy your kids, your life and your work. Find a project that will get you out of the house.
For me, I've started to take drives, that clears my mind or at least gives me room to think and cry. If my poor car could talk, oh. Working out REALLY helps...you know that. i swear, it's like an AD pill....this weekend I ran a road race for the first time in my life....I was on such a high, one of the best days. I wasn't great, but I made myself do it, for ME. Perhaps you can do the same. Enter in something small, with your kids, and push to do it so you can feel good about YOU. I really needed that.
OK, a good walk tomorrow. Remember sunscreen, a long-sleeve shirt and hat. Go for 10-15 min and turn around and walk back. Make it a nice, fast pace but you can still talk. If you want alone time, go alone and clear your mind, if not, take a friend. BUT, DO NOT take H. You need this time for YOU. You'll do that with him when the time is right.
I can see your really struggling with being comfortable with your H committment. All I can say is, for you, quit beatting yourself over the head with what if's. Unless you want to drive yourself crazy, you'll never make it past this hurdle. Are you going to get a written in stone, unrevokeable contract? No, heck what we did have didn't mean a thing to our S. For your own sake learn to detach and refocus on your life.
As far as your H helping himself to seconds, next time see if he wants to be served. Your positive attitude and willingness might be very appreciated. Make it so all positive things in his life come from you, or at least most of them. Try to take your R to the next level. Would you feel more comfortable if you felt he was actively persuing you again? Become more connected with him again like that and the rest will follow.
Quote: I'm thinking i could maybe do that at lunch some days, but hate to get too sweaty...don't know if it does any good if you don't.
You don't have to get sweaty to get exercise. Standing is better than sitting. Walking is better than standing. Stand and get some squats or lunges in. I often stand while typing to get a few more calories burned.
Get up a half hour early and WALK, with some bursts of running in it (once you are used to walking). Or at least walk fast during part of the walk. That is a start - walking in the morning makes me feel great.
As far as him..."doing himself"..:) - next time help him out. :-D
Your H might be having an affair still, or not - there is no way to know it unless you catch him (if he is). But you should start putting yourself first. You cannot take care of yourself, your son, and perhaps your H too unless you start taking care of your own needs (exercise, eating, etc.). Don't make excuses to be good to yourself, just do it - don't put it off. Good exercise is a HUGE stress reliever.
wise words from all of you...Phoenix, you make me laugh besides! It took me a bit, till after i read Ellies reply actually, to "get it" about the seconds , but, yes, you are right.
I really am going to try to focus more (again) on what I need to do for myself as far as exercise, etc, my thought about lunch is that it would help me get in "more", but then i've had lunch hour meetings 3 days this week, so the best laid plans don't work well sometimes, it seems. still, there has to be a way.
I do want to see about getting more indepth thyroid stuff done, though, havent yet, I just feel tired and lethargic. I don't think I should....I have no clue if there's any family history or not.
I dont' know what to think of H....one night this week, just before going to sleep, I said something about how glad I was to be with him, and h said "don't worry, you've got me"....last night S had a band concert and h ran home and got him to school, I met him there as I had to work late, not so long ago I used to sadly sit at things like that and feel like a single parent...
When we got home, H said he would go out to feed the animals...I asked if he needed help, he said no....some time later, I was thinking he was still out and it was taking a long time and he might need help, I asked S "is your dad still outside"...H was upstairs, heard me and got angry....said I was being a gestapo??????I told him that wasnt my intent, that I was going to check to see if he needed anything if he was still there....he did give me a "peck" of a kiss, but what the hell, I was just trying to be helpful.... we did chat quite a bit just about work stuff, and he said "oh, I got a monster gram, but it was just about work"...evidently she asked him some question about screens...I commented as to why she didnt ask her super, H said she had, and the super didnt know..... So, I dunno, maybe he's trying to report contact to me??????
I commented last night that maybe I am too dependant on him, he asked what I meant, and I said not doing enough stuff on my own....I dont' remember that he even replied.
I am going on my own to the 50th of my aunt/uncle this Sat, h pretty much refused to go...so although it's not at the top of my list, I guess I'll go anyway. D may go with me, as her h is working late.
it just seems like H is still/back to flip/flopping, one time something I do to be helpful is great, another time I'm a gestapo....how the hell am I supposed to figure it out?
And I am realizing more and more that I'm very resentful of his refusal to function as a partner to me. I have busted my butt to be more of one to him, and he is perfectly happy to take all that, but I can't see that he returns a damn thing really, Frankly it pissed me off big time that he would right a check for 100 bucks for a book, and then bitch and belly ache about taking me out for our anniversary. and bitch and belly ache about any nickel spent and how broke we are, but write a check for $100, and not hesitate to order something on his credit card, I havent used one for probably 2 years.
Hi Deb, I've been following along here. My H is acting alot like yours right now. He doesn't have a monster to contend with, but he has alot of stuff he isn't dealing with.
I am feeling the same about the refusal to be a partner thing. I'm trying so hard and it seems he's doing nothing. It's really hard not to go back to the old me who would just go ahead and let him know all the things he is doing "wrong". The other night I couldn't hold it in any longer--I told him I thought when we got back together things were going to be better, we even agreed things would be better. But in some ways things are worse! He said he felt the same way! And he was pissy as usual that I insisted on bringing it up. He does NOT want to talk about it. Grrrr! I know it's not me this time. Before I would have just been so hurt and trying so much harder to make him happy. But it's not me. He admitted that he is depressed, stressed and unhappy. He's looking for something to make him happy. He's been doing that since I've known him. He buys a different car every 18 months to two years. It's just a way to give himself a boost. He's overweight, has high blood pressure, drinks and smokes and stresses about his job all the time. When we were first together 10 years ago he didn't have any of these issues except smoking. He didn't drink and weight was fine. Money issues are the same, even though we keep our money separate. He freaks out if I spend money on something he thinks I shouldn't. The other night he came home at 3 a.m. after losing $250 at the casino. He'd been up $600 but couldn't quit. He was just beside himself when he got home, beating himself up over it. I've seen him gambling--gets that glazed look in his eyes.
Anyway, I know he has some big problems with himself. I told him he was self destructing right before my eyes. He knows. I tried to gently suggest he get some help. He got angry! He knows what he needs to do. He'd gone through rehab when I met him. He told me he knows what he needs to do. He's just not ready yet I guess.
I've got to decide what I want to do. I want to fix him, but I know better.
I'm thankful for your posts because they help me remember this. And I am remembering that I'm getting too wrapped up in him again and I've got to get back to my own life.
But I'm sure getting tired of this too. I love him dearly, but I'm not getting much back. It does help that I know it isn't my fault, but it's still lonely. And sometimes I just want to go away and be done with it.
I havent posted for a week again things just are so hectic. Interestingly though, I think I'm doing better right now, in large part from a friend who responded to my personal email with a needed 2X4.......yes, I've been pissing and moaning with my "what about me" pity party, kinda slid down that slippery slope again. any way, my wise friend asked, tongue in cheek, if I expected him to be on bended knee asking/begging forgiveness and professing his undying love every day for the rest of our lives. and I thought, well, yes, as a matter of fact I do. That would pretty much take care of it! and she pointed out that he's not gonna do that, that guys don't like to be reminded of this stuff over and over, and that he sees his apologies and the fact that he's "here" as being "proof of the pudding" so to speak. Thanks, Debra, you Wise Woman! and, we watched Narnia again with the kids, and the part where Edmund is talking in private to Aslan, confessing his horrible sins against the others, and then Aslan tell the others "there is no need to speak of this with again, what's done is done" and knowing how bad Edmund has been, even to him, Aslan is still ready and willing to die to keep him from the witch, really hit home....again.
So, lets hope it lasts longer this time!!!!!
I still see mlc stuff in H, which is troubling, but I'm workng on just living with it without being overwhelmed by it. As an example, I bought him a couple of polo shirts. He was commenting that the sleeves need to fit tighter to show off his biceps, but maybe they will shrink enough in hot water.
I was going to post and then forgot, 2 weeks ago on a Tuesday evening when i was having such a hard time, and someone mention how i kept torturing myself, I went to check for phone cards while H was at work. I felt driven to. As I was going down the stairs, I kept thinking, why are you doing this? you know what you will find, are you prepared to deal with it, how will you handle it, and WHY DO YOU KEEP TORTURING YOURSSELF. Still felt driven to do it. so I went. and looked for phone cards. looked every place they have been stashed for the the last 3 years. and found.....nothing. not a thing. could he have hidden them elsewhere, or have them on him, sure, but he never bothered to do so before, not sure why he would now. I'm sure that didnt hurt my mood one bit.
Also, Debra reminded me that when my life is at it needs to be, it WON'T MATTER what off-the wall thing H might decide to do, because I'll be OK no matter what. That reminded me of where my focus needs to be: on what it is that I need to be doing about ME....but of course still working on "us"...
, but, yes, you are right. 