Hello to everyone. It's been awhile since I posted and I don't see my thread here anymore, so here I am again. Okay, I need some experienced "piecers." I've turned in my 30 day notice to my apt. which means I'll be going home. Now here is my problem. I've had nightmares, anxiety attacks, and I'm bringing up the A with my H again. What does all this mean? Does it mean that I'm not ready? Does it mean that as much as I would like to think that our M can survive, I am the type of person with strong core values that the thought of piecing is just tugging at the core? I really nead some quick advise here. HELP!!!! I've been so positive for so long, what is going on with me?
Read this several time and keep it close to your heart.
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Thanks. I've trusted God for so long, a year actually and I still do - God's grace is sufficient. I've not given up on God, but the nightmare I had last night was very disturbing. I had "demons" chasing me. I remember finding a spot and praying with all my might and the demons went away. This is wierd, but I went back onto a boat where I was with some people who I should not have been with, and I looked at them and said "I chose not to continue our friendship, this is not what is meant for me." I woke myself up making "monster" sounds. (that's the only way I can describe it) I remember thinking okay, what is God trying to tell me? I went back to sleep, and the strange thing is I picked the dream back up. In my dream I went to my H and shared my findings with him. I said to him, here let me show you. I began to pray, then I turned to him and asked, "did you see the demons?" He said "no." I know this is only a dream but I believe God is trying to tell me something? Any takers on this one? I intend to call my MC this morning to set up an appt. for myself, not with my H, so I can discuss this with him. I would like your take on this. Anyone with some thoughts on this one?
I won't even try to interpret your dreams but I will tell what you are going through is normal. I went through the same thing when H and I got back together. It's easier for us to forgive and move on when aren't faced with the betrayer every single day. Reliving those memories. Reliving the pain and devastation. It brings with it a certain amount of negativity and in turn we get anxious and have panic attacks. I went through panic attacks so bad that initially I needed 2-3 mg of Xanax and a paper bag to stop them.
Read around here in piecing. We all struggle with the demons. Piecing is very difficult. It DOES get easier with time, patience, love, understanding and open communication. Hang in there, you can do it........
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Good point, WCW. Nightime can be rough. I can vouch for this. It's a time when your inner fears come out, so it's good to know what they are, and work on them.
What are your issues? Write them out, specifically. Are you definately going home...committing to working on this? If so, it's natural what you're feeling. If you write your fears you can come up with specific ways to address them w/H. What can you do to build trust, together? Etc, etc.
I'm totally comfortable in the daylight and in the nightime. I decided to go home for no other reason than my lease is up in my apartment and since he is living in "MY" house (pre-marital asset), I think I should go home.
To my H's credit, he has done so much to regain my trust. All I have to do is hint that I need something, and it's taken care of for me. He reassues me that he loves me, truely remorseful, can't believe he let himself get into this mess, etc, etc. Just a quick update, my H and I have been married for 3 years. Shortly after our first year anniversary, he became involved with someone 20 years younger than him. The A went on for a year and a half, and we've been separated for a year. Not much of M to build on. I told him last night that he was my best friend, but he has absolutely sucked as a H.
Anyway, to answer your question. I am comfortable single or married. In the daylight and at night. Let me throw this one out there. Did I fall in love with the person that my H let me see? Does he have a "darker" side that is now becoming more apparant to me? Just a thought. What do you all think?
I think we're all capable of darker sides and falling off the track. I also think we're all capable of true change. I'm sure you can think of at least one time in your life that you really reached deep down and changed. Wasn't it sincere?
My very simple philosohy is that life tests us. Sometimes we do well, sometimes we suck and then are booted into changing or letting things go and moving on. We're faced with losing things that matter to us as a result of our actions. Are those things worth changing for? In your Hs case, it was. Is it real, sustainable change? Is it what you need, after the separation, etc? Only you will know.
You know that is what bothers me the most. I am a a naive person, who looks for the best in people, all people. I wouldn't know if someone was sincere or not! Do I think my H can change. Of course, he wouldn't be much of a person if he couldn't. But to what extent? Where is his line?
I just wanted everyone to know that I have made a decision. I'M GOING HOME!!!! The movers are coming on March 16th to move me back home with my H. I was in a panic about this but now that the decision has been made, I feel a deep peace about it. I know that it won't be easy, and I'm preparing myself for some hard times, but I believe that with "hard" work, we can get through this! I'm actually very excited to go home which surprises me, I really thought that I would dread it, but I'm not.
Anyway, pray for me and thanks to all for listening to me through this journey. I'll keep you posted.
