Sorry I missed the chance to be there during the battle yesterday, but I am glad to see you doing better. A new day and a new outlook, that's great. Has your part of Indiana been warm too? I haven't talked to my relatives down your way lately.
Sorry you missed out. It isn't that often the bb is treated to an OW appearance. I believe the fray yesterday really helped me make some more progress.
It has been lovely here and I so wish it would stay. But, spring will come eventually.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Morning, Pam. I read your long post about whether you put D on a pedastal... and it makes a lot of sense. I've had similar thoughts about my wasband. He was a very good husband for many years, and his behavior at the end was bizarre/astonishing/totally out of character.
Like you, I struggled with expectations, then wondered if I'd been a fool all those years, thinking he was someone/something he was not. Eventually, I concluded that there is no way I was that stupid. I may have seen the best in him (which you should, when you're married to him). But I did not imagine the good. It was there.
He was not "fooling" me and everyone else for all those years. Maybe he was a better person, maybe he loved me enough to strive for that, maybe it was the position of the moon or biochemical. But there was lots of good about him. Later, there was a change. Maybe he got tired of being who he knew I needed/wanted/thought he was. Maybe he had a MLC. Maybe his brain chemistry got whacky. Only God knows. I sure don't.
But I am quite comfortable knowing that there was lots of good, lots to love about him. I also know that things changed. He changed. Indisputably, and with irreparable impact to the M/R. It does not wipe out of invalidate what USED to be.
So I do not regret our time together, or disavow the good things about him or our M. Equally, I accept taht every bit of the pain/bad stuff was real. Thought I am not in touch with him now, I assume that there is still good in him-- and that some of the character issues still show up at least periodically. Not black. Now white. Not even the same shade of gray from day to day.
My wasband was practically a prince for many years-- truly. But in the best of times, there were a few flaws that popped up every now and then. I'm sure those are still present, at least from time to time.
So don't beat yourself up. I'm not sure that you were really having "expectations" of him. I think that you knew D for years, and that it is quite realistic that he uses his logic and intellect to give good advice. This can co-exist with behavior that suggests lack of moral compass. People are funny things.
I personally think that even when you are "done" you can have a balanced and fair view of an ex. You don't have to condemn, or not give any credit to any good qualities.
Yeah, it's peculiar he's hanging out here. Espcecially right after VD. So maybe his new life is not all that. But, along with that, maybe he just read about TMW's struggles and figured, "hey, I can offer something that might help". Just like many of us do.
He is what he is. It's not your job to figure out his motivation, or judge. But I personally do not see anything wrong with you assuming he had good intentions in posting, rather than judging him as intending to be hurtful. If you had immediately judged him to be hurtful, I would actually have seen that "not done" since you were assuming his actions were all about YOU. That would be "not done" and "self centered" and unrealistic to boot.
So honey, don't be hard on yourself. Not seeing ill intent does not mean you were putting expectations on him, not in my book. Well, I don't have a book, and of course could be wrong. But that's my story and I'm sticking to it
Pam - I'm sorry for the mess that is going on currently. I'm not sure what made him post to me and I'm sorry for the trouble that has ensued. As I said to him and her - to me, personally - We are basically strangers telling stories. We don't know each other, we could be co-workers and not even know it. It doesn't matter if we lie, make threats or whatever. We have to face ourselves and that is all that really matters. We are here to support each other and help each other survive.
Thank you for helping me survive. Thank you for being there and offering advise and support and so much more. You are loved and appreciated!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I believe the fray yesterday really helped me make some more progress. 
