OK, first I must confess this. I'm new here, to this BB, but was on another BB for over 13 months. That BB helped tremendously in my Improving Myself, and winning back the eye of my WAW. However, in the last month or so, when I asked for specific advice for a problem my W was having, all I got in return were attacks on myself, my faults, which I had previously, very recently, posted that I was working on those faults.
Then some members of that BB started to PM my W, who was also a member of the BB, (big mistake there, in the long run), and they actually modified several features of that BB in order to accomidate "her" Privacy.
Well, that was enough for me for that BB.
So anyway, after being "destroyed" there, and still needing input, I came here and joined, though I have lurked here on and off ever now and again.
I've read DB and DR, and another ebook, that helped me to improve me, and move on. I truthfully thought my M was over, and really started to move forward in Life when lo and behold... W decides to give it a go, try to "fix" our M...
So I will stop here, and my next post will be my History.
Please don't reply yet, let me post that first, it make take a while to recap it all, but I will do my best. It's been a long tough road, and it's not an easy one, but it is well worth it.
Me - 40 W - 40 D - 13 Dog - 4 years Married - 16 & 1/2 years, or New Marriage, 9+ months.
2004: W starts a new job at a major company in July, in August they have a Team Meeting, (her team is spreadd out over many states).
Sept. 2004: Things are wrong, I can "feel" it. I start snooping, to no avail. W has 2 cell phones, and carries them with her at all times, dog walks etc. She also starts coming home late from work. NOTE: I never had a cell phone, never wanted one, didn't know how to use one. I used to work for "The Phone Company", and hated phones, so a cell was the last thing I wanted.
Oct. 2004: W tries to admit to and affair, (I realize this later) but backs out very quickly, saying it was prior to our engagement, then expains how she is a terrible person... I am confused. D, sitting in the car, goes into the drugstore to find out waht is taking W so long. W is standing near the door, already paid for her stuff, but on the phone with a man. D tells me this as soon as they get home. W says she's been talking to BIL about us. (gullible me huh?)
End of Oct. 2004: W was supposed to deposit our paychecks, but traffic was bad. At 3am that night, I awoke and W quickly got off he cell phone, D was asleep on the couch, they didn't go to work or school the next morning. I knew the checks hadn't been depostitted, so, for the first time in my Life, I went into W's purse. I had to go by the ATM in the morning anuway to get cash, so I thought I deposit the checks. They were wrapped inside and envelope, a Past-Due notice and there was another piece of paper there too. That piecce of paper turned out to be a poem by the OM, confesseing to what htey had done, asking God to spare the hurt peole the hurt, and how he looked forward to the future with my W and D.
W was passed out in bed, but I cam e up and read her his poem, she went into the bathroom, looked the door, and cussed up a storm. That evening, she admitted to the Affair.
It started, "they hit it off", at the Team Meeting, then emailed and talked on the phone, then in eraly October, 9I found this ou later), they had their Physical Affair.
I contacted her work since the phones were "company" phones, and the calls costing the company. I proceeded with Legal issues.
Mid-November, W tried to break off the EA, the PA she did stop, but she didn't have the will-power to end to EA. Finally, a week later, two days before Thanksgiving, OM broke it off for good, W was destroyed. She had already put down a payment for an apartment and new furniture, for "their Lives Together", yet little did she know, under Virginia Law, He, the OM, could not stay there until we were divorced. Ooops!!! -- Plus now he dumped her, he got what he wanted... --
After that, December was great. W and I spent time together, had wild sex, hung out much more than in years. -- Mean time, I'm still reading DB, DR, and this other book, appying PMA, "Act as If" and BSLI (this may be new to folks here, I'll explain that later.
So, Dec. 30th, I take off work and help W and D and dog move to their new apartment. All settled in, I go home and have an old HS girlfriend come over, and we drink and talk. We messed around a bit, but nothing serious, I just needed a companion, someone who truly cared. (this comes back to haunt later, but not much more that person jabs at me).
Dec. 31, NYE, I am at W's hanging curtain rods. Once that was done, so was I in W's eyes, no need for me anymore.
I spent months on my own basically, D came to my house after scholl, she hated where they lived an refused to riide the bus home with "those" kids. W would pick D up from my house, someitmes coming in, sometimes not.
Feb. 2005: I was ready to move on. I "Got A Life", started going out with friends at work on Fridays, moving on. I became LI, Loving Indifferent, meaning I Loved my W, but Lved more that she was Happy alone, than wiht me (W complained for years, and rang up crdit cards to the Max, all in the guise of "Un-Happiness").
Mid Feb. - W says she needs "a break", Huh? we are already "broken". Then within 2 weeks, she makes contact again...
March 2005 - W wants to work on us. We start. On 3-26-05 we go to the grocery together, her buying for her and D, me buyin for me. We then go to the Mall and buy New Wedding Bands. We are to go to dinner as a family, but D has a fit, we get D dinner and take her home, and W and I got to dinner and drinks. We Re-New our Vows - Fore-Ever.
April 22, our Original Anniversary, W and D and Dog, they move home.
All is well until Summer, when OM is brought up, and the story doesn't fit the "Old Story". I press, and new details emerge, not matching the old, so I called OM, got the Truth. The Truth is what I needed. I got it and was done with it.
Forgiving: That's hard, but as Michele points out, you have to, you have to Forgive in order to move forward.
Tomorrow is 1 year since W moved out. Tomorrow, W and I are sitting down, writing out our Forgivings, discussing them, and burning the papers we wrote them on. We must move forward.
There's a lot more "trash" in the last year or two, and the entire falling apart of our M that I haven't touched on yet.
The thing here is: You have to take equal responsibility for the downfall of the M. You have to accept it, chnange, for YOU, and be a better person. Whether you cathc the Eye of your WAS or not, you have to do this for YOU.
Quote: Tomorrow, W and I are sitting down, writing out our Forgivings, discussing them, and burning the papers we wrote them on.
Sounds like you have a plan MW. GOOD for you! A plan to meet your goal is always a good thing! Hope it takes you in the direction that you want it to.
Also sounds like you have had quite a time of things with being attacked and destroyed and all on this other BB. I'm sorry to hear that you were treated badly there. Obviously they must not follow the same principles that we do here. You'll have to be re-trained.
Not to mention all you've been through with your marriage. Your W sounds like she is a piece of work!! lying, cheating, hiding things from you, an affair, cussing, passing out in the bed, ringing up debt she can't afford and anything else I might have missed. Lot's for you to forgive there. I would imagine that your list of forgivings for her will be pretty long. Possibly even several pages?
I see now why your W came home so soon. You must be quite a guy to have the ability to stay calm in the aftermath of all her shorcomings and to be able to just forgive all of that. To never bring any of it up again, snoop to see if she's still doing any of these things, and burn it and move on.
Quote: What is WAS and BSLI? I don't know what those mean.
star
Star,
WAS = Walk Away Spouse
BSLI is a term used on the other BB I was on. It stands for Bright and Shiny, and Loving Indifference. It is basically a part of the "Act As If" technique, and combines the PMA with it. You just act all Bright and Shiny, and though you still Love your spouse, you act Indifferent about it.
I must admit that my actions on the other BB weren't very nice either, I did blow my stack, but it was after having to repeat myself time and time again, I just got really frustrated and blew a fuse.
As for my W's list, I'm not sure exactly, but she keeps bringing up a bunch of stuff from the past, many year ago, and this has been fueled by a member of the other BB I was on. We were doing so well moving forward, then this set us back a bit.
I'm not a great guy, just your average guy, but I applied the PMA and Act As If and really did start even before she left. I think the turning point for W was when I really started to "get a Life", going out when a few people after work and such. I think she saw that as me out having fun, and her sitting in her apartment with our D and no money to go do things.
As for the debt, we've gone thru this for years, so I've already given up on that, you know, trying to teach her money management, but when she was on her own, she learned that first hand, and does a pretty good job now. Many of her other actions last year were typical of someone having an affair, so those don't really bother me because you can never try to understand what is going on in the head of someone who is doing such things. Most of that kind of behaviour is gone now, and only lasted during her affair.
The last few weeks before she moved out, we really got along very well, and when I have asked W why she moved out anyway, she explained it was the guilt, she needed time away to work thru that. She said it hurt her to see my face each night when she came, prior to moving out, because of what she had done and how she had hurt me. Also, she'd already signed her lease and bought new furniture, so it was like she "had" to do that.
Actually, having that "break" in our marriage, though painful and lonely at first, was really a good thing, it has drawn us closer than we had been in many years.
As for staying calm, I was a total wreck at first, when she dropped the bomb, then the next night she said she wanted to separate, then the next night, divorce. But I immediately started seaching the web for help, order Michele's books, and an ebook, and read read read until I understood the techniques and principles, and applied them full force. I had to do it for me, and I did, and then I caught her attention, and she became interested in me again.
Quote: I did blow my stack, but it was after having to repeat myself time and time again, I just got really frustrated and blew a fuse.
This sounds like what my H does in spite of how hard I try to please him. Why is that ok? How can I be this BSLI stuff you talk about when all he does is get mad when I try?
Quote: I did blow my stack, but it was after having to repeat myself time and time again, I just got really frustrated and blew a fuse.
This sounds like what my H does in spite of how hard I try to please him. Why is that ok? How can I be this BSLI stuff you talk about when all he does is get mad when I try?
Star
Star,
It's not OK, it really isn't, and it's no excuse either. It's just that, you push someone long enough, they will blow up. I've done it, you've done, we all have, and we also had it done to us too. It's not "OK", but it is human nature. This is where we take the high road,a don't let it get to us. -- Wish I'd have done that a month ago --
OK. Now I'm a bit upset. The old BB I was on, the one I "blew up", well, my W is still a part of that BB. She got a PM last night that said members of that BB are checking up on me here. I also got banned, became an "Ex-Member" of that BB as of Thursday night. Apparently I sent a message that was full of bull, which is total bull. My point though is, If I got banned from there, why are they checking up on me here? What is it to them? Why do they care? I hurts more now than ever, now they are following me around the Web, for what? -- I won't "diss" that other BB, it was good, so were the folks there, but you all kicked me out, so leave me alone. Please. --
The one person, My W, knows exactly who and what is going on, and who was behind my betrayal. It hurts. I liked giving advice to "newbies", I worked with a person, a "friend" so I thought, we helped people, now she had me banned. That's fine, that's what she wanted. She also is trying to dig up the past, like I posted earlier, but my W, from what she told me, was that she told the "person", "NO, and Go Away, I won't do that". And that was a 'help' board???
-- Sorry, I don't mean to bring up that other BB, but you know, if they are going to track me down and monitor... Why? What is it to them? They kicked me out, why follow me? --
Sorry, enough, no more other BB talk. I'm sorry.
That's is all I'll say about that...
W and I went out and had a nice dinner tonight, we then went and played pool, she won more than me, -- never scratch on an 8-ball... Argh!!!
D is at a friend's house tonight, her first New Year's Eve Party. Sad, but happy, she's growing up, but it is a bit sad to see your "baby" moving on and up in the World.
W's asleep now, too much "juice" I guess. We had a good time though, so that is what counts.
Tomorrow is a New Year, and it's going to be better than this one... How, I don't know, this year I got my W and family back, how could you ever top that???
lying, cheating, hiding things from you, an affair, cussing, passing out in the bed, ringing up debt she can't afford and anything else I might have missed. Lot's for you to forgive there. I would imagine that your list of forgivings for her will be pretty long. Possibly even several pages?