Hi all. I'm a DBer from several years ago. I wonder if anybody here remembers me or even was around when I was active on these boards?
I am at a point where my D has been final for a long time now, my X has already had his 1 yr anniversary in his new marriage to OW (ugh!). I am in a new R, and we have talked seriously about getting married, but neither one of us is quite comfortable with taking that step at this time. My BF went through a divorce in about the same time frame as my divorce. Maybe it is just too soon for us? Or maybe we just aren't right for each other? How do I tell the difference?
I'm having a lot of trouble putting this into words. Maybe I don't even know what I am trying to ask. I'd really love to see a forum on starting new relationships after a divorce. How to avoid making the same mistakes. How to avoid being angry at your SO because s/he happened to do something that resembled something your X did. How to use some of the DBing philosophies and techniques from ground-zero to build a divorce-proof marriage this time around. That kind of stuff.
I've browsed through this forum a little and see that some of you are in new relationships. However, so far I haven't seen much discussion of this kind of stuff. Does anyone have any thoughts? Can you point me to threads that cover these issues?
Welcome back! A couple questions come to mind . . . do either of you (yourself or SO) have children? That is such a huge issue of taking the relationship to the next level (marriage). There has to be a reason you are questioning your relationship with him? Do you fill that you are not being satisfied? How long have you two been together?
I'm where you are at as well - thought I found someone I could spend the rest of my life with but 2 years went by and I have put the brakes on. I still care very much for him but we weren't on the same page and a lot of it was my fault - habits I'm trying to change!
One thing I will suggest - you can't compare your new SO to your former spouse and what he did that you didn't like. You can bring it up to him that you don't care for that but don't say that is what Jack used to do. That wouldn't be fair.
I would hope my next marriage if there is to be one could be divorce proof but I have learned there are no guarantees in life - I think that is why I'm so very cautious to say I do again. I have 2 young children so if I do I have to be pretty certain that it is for many years to come.
As to other forums to send you to - not real sure - usually this forum will hit on it now and then. Mastateflower and R2 post and they live together now - they might be able to shed some light for you.
merrick: Is this the situation you are at? Entering a new relationship and you have children? Does he have children too?
For me - my children are very young - 8 & 11. I don't believe in introducing them to my SO until there is an established relationship. He happened to have children my kids age and we all had good times together. My childrens father lives out of state and they see him maybe 5 or 6 times a year. I am sorry that my children are faced with a step family lifestyle possibly down the road but they will always comes first in my life and his (whoever that may be) children should be first in his life. I think my kids could benefit by experiencing what its like to live life in a loving family atmosphere. Not all step families are horrid experiences.
Quote: merrick: Is this the situation you are at? Entering a new relationship and you have children? Does he have children too?
If it's a "he," I've got a lot of explaining to do!
Missy-
I'm legally separated for just over four months and had a devil of a time accepting just that. I'm also a newly minted egghead type Catholic and before even getting to kids, I have lots of theological/intellectual issues to grapple with about M and D--and Rs alltogether. Put kids into the equation, and for me it comes down to balancing my own personal desires (I'm purposesly not using the word "needs") against what I believe is best for my kids.
I have three kids S11, D10, D7--and at this time, I can't possibly see how they would benefit by my bringing a new person into their lives. While I recognize that each sitch has its own unique twists ande demands, such as where a WAS has abandoned a family, engaged in abuse, or left the family without money to live, I'm really not in that kind of bind.
Sure I'd like to share myself with a partner, but to what end? Sex? I can get that in any bar if that's all I really wanted. And even if I find the "right" woman, what makes me think that a new R won't come with its own new set a baggage--which afflicts even the best of R's. Do I really want to add this on top of my existing complications?
I may want to go there one day, but from what I've seen, most younger kids with their parents in new R's experience a lot of conflict, turmoil, and confusion--especially when they have close contact with their each of their parents. The more third parties that enter their parents' lives, the greater the confusion and opportunity for conflict. Is that a rule? No. But I'm comfortbale suggesting it is a regular outcome.
So, as one of my wise fellow Dbers reinforced with me, I'm number four in a family of four--and my kids have to be put in front of me. And you know what, since I've been separated, I've re-egnineered my R's with each of them and have made them better. And I've found terrific ways to take care of me that don't involve a new R with another person, including an R with God that offers wonderful insights into human life if you truly let Him in.
Look, I'm not going to be judgmental and have learned to take care of my own buisness. I don't know anything about your SO and why he parted with his first W. But I do know that we have a tendency to put a positive spin on things that we aspire to and tend to ignore objective reality until it smacks us upside the head. While I may go another way, I truly wish the best for you and your family.-
merrick: Sorry about that - I looked up your old thread and realized I called you by the wrong gender.
Thanks for your insight! Everyone's lives are so different, everyone has different obstacles to get past - there isn't a right answer here - it is what works for each individual situation.
I'm glad for you that you found growth with your relationship with your children and hope it continues to grow for all the years to come!
Lady 911. I recently remarried to a woman I very much love. I have two young boys, and she has a teenage daughter. A few thoughts come to mind.
1. Read books on 2nd marriages. We read a few, some sections which I thought were ridiculous have turned out to be true. Ex-spouses do get in the way. Living with step children are different than your own. Finances are an issue. etc. etc. In other words, things are complicated and they require a lot of thinking.
2. Practice DB from the start. I can assure you that whatever habits you had with your first spouse, you will have with your second. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break.
3. There is no such thing as getting married to soon or a "right amount" of time to wait before marriage. You'll know when it's right. If it's not, do yourself a favor and get out now. Don't go through another divorce.
4. Set realistic expectations. You will have less time for yourself, there will be demands on your time you have not experienced since becoming single again, you will have less time to spend with your kids as your new partner requires time, etc. etc.
5. Don't think your new marriage will make you happy. It is not a fairy tale. If you are not already happy with yourself, and your new spouse is not a positive happy supportive loving person, then you will be miserable. Again.
To answer some of the questions that were asked and give some more background on my sitch...
Both BF and myself have 1 D. Mine is 8 1/2 and his is almost 4. Mine sees her father on alternate weekends (more during the summer). He has full custody of his; there is no contact between the D and her mother.
How we got together is a long and kind of wierd story. Maybe I'll get into more of it later, but basically I moved into his spare bedroom to be a nanny for his D who was about 18 months at the time. At that point, he and I knew each other although not very well, but he knew I was unemployed, and he knew I used to work in daycare, so he offered me the job. Then we started having feelings for each other, and things went on from there. We are still in separate bedrooms, because we agree that we don't want the girls to see us sleeping together before we are married, but we do not hide the fact that we are romantic with each other (they see us hug & kiss & say ILY). We have been together romantically for close to 2 years now. We have been in many ways functioning as a family for about 2 1/2 yrs, and the girls have a sister-like relationship.
Merrick asked the question that TKKC1 had asked him: What benefits do the girls get from our relationship? Well, at the beginning it was obvious and simple. BF's D needed some form of child care, and I and my D needed financial help and a job that included a roof to keep over our heads was a godsend. This of course does not address what they get from the romantic relationship that has since evolved. I think because of the unusual way in which things progressed, and simply because this is where we are now, it might make more sense to ask what advantages/disadvantages are there for the girls if we stay together, or break up. Breaking up would be almost as bad for the girls as if BF & I were the parents of both of them and we got divorced and split up siblings. The advantage of breaking up would be that if it is going to happen, sooner would be better than later.
Allan, do you have any specific titles you could recommend for the books on 2nd marriages?
I have heard there are books that take you through some of the same "how to figure out if this is right and what to expect in the years to come and how to make it work" type questions and exercises that they do in the "Engagement Encounter" type things that many churches offer. I have been interested in going through one of these, either do-it-yourself book or the actual clinics. Does anyone have any knowledge of anything like this? Are there any aimed at 2nd marriages?
