I have one bad thing I would like to say. It came to mind because JDD wished me to remarry my XW. It got me thinking about what I wish for me and also what if I could wish or pray for something what I'd wish for you all.
And the thing I wish for is having someone in my life that brings out the best in me, that is able to share happiness with me, that loves me and shows it and that is open to receiving love from me. And when I pray for you, as bad as it may sound, I don't pray for you to be back together with your X-spouse. I don't pray for me to be back together with my XW. Because I don't know that's what is meant to be. Many of our x-spouses are in a place where they wouldn't be a healthy addition to a relationship. Without some personal work I would say that some XS would be actually take a complete/whole person and make them less. I want for you all, and myself, to have a healthy, satisfying adult relationship, and if you're deeply religious, according to God's plan.
I hope no one took that the wrong way. I think Gabe's idea is probably right. Step back, work on yourself, and be patient.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wes - I couldn't agree with you more. I love my XH but right now the R we have isn't good for either one of us. I hope that one day he can be the person I know he is under all this pain and anger, but I'm not going to put my life on hold for him any longer. I too, hope that there is someone out there who will love me as I am and will want to be a part of my life. Someone who compliments me, not someone who wants to change me and make me in to something I'm not. All I want is to be happy, and that's what I want for everyone here too.
Two topics come to mind for me today: MLC and WAS, but they are intertwined, so maybe it's just one subject.
Do you ever take a moment to look at the really bad times in your marriage/previous marriage? Or is it more natural for the LBS to look at the good times and forget the bad. Look at the positive things about the WAS/XS and forget the bad? Were the clues really that subtle or did we recognize the clues, but just not give a rip because we didn't think they were serious or would lead to divorce? Just some stuff I've been wondering about. It seems that when the bomb drops that suddenly the behavior is completely foreign to us, as though the act of our spouse dropping the bomb resulted in the change. We didn't realize it before and then suddenly "kablooey" the bomb goes off and our WAS/XS is in full blown MLC and start acting crazy. Don't you think that they were acting that way for quite some time while we ignored it? Perhaps they even asked us to do some of the things that they are now doing, but we refused. It just doesn't seem conceivable to me that we just were oblivious to the signs. I think we noticed or were actually told and we just disregarded it.
Anyway, I was thinking about my own marriage. It had its good points and we had good times. And if we were to try again I feel I could do better. But there were bad times, downright miserable times. The marriage adversely affected the relationship I had with my kids and other people. The anger came quickly. I think I was more critical. And I don't think improvements in these areas are solely attributable to DBing. Much of the improvements were made possible by being separated from probably the biggest source of stress, the relationship with my now XW. I remember times I thought about leaving. And perhaps the only difference between the LBS and WAS is that they were the ones to take the plunge and get out. I guess maybe that indicates they weren't as willing to work through the problems. Love has peaks and valleys and there were times when my love for my XW was definitely in a valley, but I didn't walk away. If my love was at a nadir and I met someone else, as my XW did, would I have taken the bait as well?
Anyway, I'm just rambling; taking a stroll down memory lane to look at some of the bad memories. Although it's easy to say the walk-away is a quitter and selfish, it can't be that easy to just give up on a marriage. Maybe that's why there is often someone waiting in the wings, because they need the added incentive to go from potential walk away to walk-away. I kind of respect that my wife walked away from a secure future to an uncertain one because she felt strongly that she was right. That really took guts and conviction. So once you've taken the plunge, divorced your spouse, and find yourself with freedom, but alone, what do you do? Maybe get a little crazy and do stuff you normally wouldn't or stuff that seem off base for the person we knew. Not sure I can blame my X for that or think it's MLC or alien behavior. Heck, I've gotten a little more crazy myself since I got free.
Well, I'm done rambling. Have a nice weekend.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
First off I think that we can all recall doing things that were not so nice, and there were also times when we all wanted to bolt, but we didn't because we made a promise and a healthy emotional adult doesn't just walk away from a promise. Hey it wouldn't be a real marriage if everything were perfect afertall we are all human.
I also know that you're very right about trouble brewing wayyyyyyyyyyy before the onset of the bomb. That's a lot of the problem. While these exes are hatching a plan, but not yet courageous enough to make it a reality, we may see subtle changes, but there again to us this is a no brainer. When we took our vows it was for the good and the bad, so possibly we just see it as a period of discontent or maybe something they're going through. In all fairness to us, how could we know the extent of which to take this, you can't change what you don't know and since they weren't being upfront about their feelings we don't take it seriously and think it will pass.
When we are finally filled in to how serious this is, we are confused and somewhat scared so we become the fixers, and singlehandedly take this upon ourselves to make this work.
All of this becomes easier when we finally understand that the only one we can make happy and fix is #1.
The biggest flaw in this whole scenario is that we think because these weak people walk it somehow means we were not enough, that is so wrong! At times, it's by far so much tougher to stay than it is to leave!
First off I think that we can all recall doing things that were not so nice, and there were also times when we all wanted to bolt, but we didn't because we made a promise and a healthy emotional adult doesn't just walk away from a promise. Hey it wouldn't be a real marriage if everything were perfect afertall we are all human.
I also know that you're very right about trouble brewing wayyyyyyyyyyy before the onset of the bomb. That's a lot of the problem. While these exes are hatching a plan, but not yet courageous enough to make it a reality, we may see subtle changes, but there again to us this is a no brainer. When we took our vows it was for the good and the bad, so possibly we just see it as a period of discontent or maybe something they're going through. In all fairness to us, how could we know the extent of which to take this, you can't change what you don't know and since they weren't being upfront about their feelings we don't take it seriously and think it will pass.
When we are finally filled in to how serious this is, we are confused and somewhat scared so we become the fixers, and singlehandedly take this upon ourselves to make this work.
All of this becomes easier when we finally understand that the only one we can make happy and fix is #1.
The biggest flaw in this whole scenario is that we think because these weak people walk it somehow means we were not enough, that is so wrong! At times, it's by far so much tougher to stay than it is to leave!
Beth, I never really thought in terms of I'd made a promise and come hell or high water I was going to see this promise through to the bitter end. For me, I don't think that's what made me stay and be the LBS (twice). If it was only the vows, I don't think that would hold me.
When I think about it, for me it was a combination of several things. One, it really didn't take a whole lot of the good times to sustain me. I was generally quick to forgive and forget and so as long as we returned to a semblance of normal then I was okay for another go. The other factor is that I never thought the problems were insurmountable. I kept thinking, and do to this day, that all it took was work and that both of us were willing to make the effort. I guess I trusted that I had met and married someone with the same conviction as me. Perhaps that's part of the blindside; I didn't see it coming because I didn't think it could be coming. I don't know if it was the vows made that gave me that impression or thinking I knew my wife and that she would fight for us as she always had in the past.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I notice that there are some new guys on this thread and if you're reading this I will try to give some advice, but today might be a little hairy so it could be awhile. I would like to say before I begin, that I'm in a different place than you so I may joke around. Hope there is no offense and that you get to the point where things don't hurt so much.
So my updates. I met some fellow DBers in Vegas this weekend. Despite the best intentions, the Xs did come up. I must say it's therapeutic to be able to talk that stuff through with someone that understands. Vegas was as good as paying for therapy.
I found my soulmate, but unfortunately she only stayed for three songs and then I had to pay for a new soulmate. LOL
But I did learn things about myself and my feelings towards XW. I had absolutely no guilt and could easily have fun without feeling like "I wish she were here." I really enjoyed the company of fellow DBers. I've got to do that again sometime. I still have a smile on my face this morning.
Anyway, for those struggling with the early phases of the divorce I hope you do know it gets better. My suggestion is detaching as much as possible. Leave the door open, but don't wait for him/her to walk through it. Have fun. Get a life. But get the life you want...not some fake one that will ring false to the ex.
Oh, I was going to say that I met an elderly, very talkative woman on the plane. She was divorced and had a great outlook on the whole thing. She talked around her divorce stuff. She said she was friends with her XH and his new wife. Her words..."it's no problem being friends with him or her, I don't want him." She did tell me that he was the one that left and when he came back wanting her again after a year or so that she wouldn't have him. I never told her anything about my sitch, but it's amazing all the divorce stuff she hit on. It was clear that she had adjusted well and had lots of positives. 1) She clearly had her self-esteem intact. She knew her strengths and what she had to offer someone. She was proud of raising kids on her own and how well they had turned out. She was very self-sufficient. 2) She did many activities that would be called getting a life, all of which were things that she wanted to do rather than just some exciting ploy to win back XH 3) She realized that her XH was not the man she needed in her life. She said he was okay...not a bad guy as a friend, but really not the person she had needed as a spouse.
Well hope some of that helps. I'm not giving out any details since that stayed in Vegas.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
That's right, Me. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
It was a blast meeting you and K. Every time I meet or have a convo with a DBer, I'm struck with how aware that person seems to be about life and about themselves. It was fun laughing and talking, and sharing brews.
I agree that maintaining a healthy level of detachment is key. As well as keeping up one's positive changes.
Speaking of GALing, how about folks coming down to FL for some water fun next time? We could do the Keys, and catch some S.Beach nightlife.
