Nice work, KDU. Everything I see in your sitch tells me you're playing this the right way. Stay strong and don't give in to the temptation to make things easy on him. Showing him you don't need him has been working the best for you; don't back off until he's truly shown you he's willing to try to walk the walk.
Let me ask you something...even if this doesn't work out with Tony the way you want it to...do you feel more powerful and dignified to have gotten to the place you can tell him you don't want him if he doesn't want you, and really mean it?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Please take this slow! You are doing really well and I don't want to see you let down again. You seem to have the right mindset and that is a good start. Just remember this will take time and it won't be a straight line. There will be ups and downs. But you will know if H is really working at it. So keep looking for overall actions. Good luck and I'm thinking of you!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
YoYo, SH, Lisa, BB, Kismet and Beth - Thanks guys for all your kind words and positive vibes, I think they may be working. Update to fill you all in....
I spoke to H last night and I did ask him if he was seeing OW last night and he said No he was too tired, I said O.K. then I will see you at work tomorrow. He was the one who rang me by the way. He said Are you annoyed and I said No not yet and he said O.K. I will see you tomorrow.
Anyhow I was thinking about this last night and really started to thing is he going to do this or just beat around the bush. I decided in my own head that maybe last night would have been hard for him to have a talk as he had to work until 10pm so maybe he was tired. I then thought to myself tomorrow is Thursday he doesn't work tomorrow night and she knocks off at 7pm so there is no excuse for him not to see her. In my head I thought if he doesn't do it then he is never going to.
Anyhow I got to work this morning and he was already waiting so I said Hi and opened up the office and he tried to kiss me good morning. I turned my cheek and he said "Whats wrong". I said "No nothing, I just want to keep my distance until you have done what needs to be done." H said "I knew it would be that". I said " Yeah look, it's hard for me b/c I am putting my trust in you again and you have never done it before so I am not getting my hopes up, you will do what you feel comfortable doing and that is fine, but understand I am not allowing myself to get dragged down again.
H then said "Why don't you read the messages on my phone from OW". I said "No that is private and I don't wish to know what she says to you". H said "Will you just read them". I said "No I won't you can tell me whatever you want but I don't wish to read them".
H said "Well I spoke to her last night and it is all done". I said "Really, how do you feel" H said "Yeah fine and relieved". I then said "Did she take it well" H said how their conversation went and it went something like this:
H rang her when he got home from work and said Hi and they spoke a little about their day and how work went that night for him and then: H: How do you feel things have been going over the last couple of days. OW: No not very well, we haven't even seen each other. H: I know but what do you think about that OW: Well O.K. really, I can tell you don't have your heart in it and to be truthful I don't know if you ever will again. H: Yeah I know, it's not been the same. OW: I knew this probably wouldn't work but I thought we might have been able to salvage a friendship at least. H: I would like for us still to be able to at least get along at work, as we do both have to work there. OW: Yeah I think we can manage that and if we are meant to have a friendship or anything else it will just happen over time. H: Well if we can be civil at work, that's all I am asking for. OW: Yeah we can manage that. Then they said their goodbyes but that was how he explained the conversation. (Which makes her seem very decent but I do wonder if she is still playing a game, but oh well).
So H said to me she sent me a couple of messages along the same lines at that convo and I thought if you read them you would at least know I was telling the truth. He then showed me the messages and I said you really didn't need to show me and he said yes he did if I was to start trusting him again.
I then said "What are you going to do if in a week's time she asks you to go for a drink as friends" H said, "I will tell her that I don't want to, I will be nice but I am not going to do anything with her at all, other than speak to her when I have to at work"
I asked if he was comfortable with that and he said of course I am. Kim I do want this to work, so now we are free to get moving on it. I said to him O.K. lets see what happens.
He then go going out on the road. He rang me a short time ago over a work matter and then asked what I was doing tonight. I said nothing much and he said he was going to gym after work and would I like to go. I said yes and he said O.K. well I will go home and have a shower and get changed and then pick you up and we will see what happens after that maybe we will do something together. I said that sounds like a plan. We then finished up and that brings my sitch all up to date.
Things do look good and he seems alot more like the old Tony that I was married to. He seems to be calmer and more at ease. Which is good.
BB - Yes I do feel comfortable where I am and I am not bowing down as to my expectations. He had to walk the walk or forget it and he has just taken the first few steps. I am glad that I am back in control of my destiny and feel very comfortable with that whichever way this turns out. I am not getting overly excited yet as I have seen this go belly up before. We certainly have a lot to work through but one step at a time. I think we need to just date for a few weeks and see how that goes. We need to discover each other again and enjoy each other's company first without any pressures. I hope for some good talks along the way and to slowly increase things as we both feel ready.
SH I am now happy to relax and let things take their natural course, he can make the suggestions as to when we see each other and he can do the phoning. I will text him goodnight like we have been doing but allow him to work at things at his own pace. As long as he continues to show interest and pursues me now then that will be fine.
I am keeping fingers crossed and will take each day as it comes and try very hard to be true to me and what I want our R to be and hopefully he will want the same things. Time will tell........KDU
KDU - I'm so happy for you. Not just because it looks like you are on the road to reconciliation, but because you have such dignity and grace throughout it.
You really seem to have stood your ground without ever being less than compassionate. I must confess a knot of jealousy in my stomach. And a whole mess of admiration in my heart. I wish I could be as strong as you are and I hope that I will get there soon. I wish I was as good at boundaries as you are.
I have no advice because you are doing everything just right.
You are doing great. Just remember to take it slow (do I sound like a broken record?). I'm glad you are grounded in your position now, like BB asked. That is good. One question. Are you going to ask that H go to MC with you? I know that if my H and I are able to reconcile that will be a definite have to do. Sending warm thoughts your way...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Wow Kim, H really seems like he has come out of the fog. I hope that it is for good. You seem really centred about it all. I guess you just have to take it as it comes and stay focused. (and hope the mother ship doesn't call him back up again)
Kim, Just read part of your "adventure". It's the most encouraging section I've read (first week on board) Taking it slow must be the hard part. Building up the trust again......how long does that take????? Keep us posted. I actually feel there is hope, but now my H is still in the confusing state. Your "subject line" really caught my attention.
KDU: I think you are on the right path of a reconciliation with H. Like you said, you are going to take things slow and have H pursue you. With regards to Tony having to work with OW, is he willing to change jobs as not to be around OW anymore, and would he change his cell number?
Keep up the good work, you are doing great so far.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
