Just saying hey and what's up to you all. Zuksters and I are going today to look at a house. Guess things can't be all that bad. Nothing new to report. We haven't been doing any work on our M, mostly just ignoring the issues, I guess. I feel kind of left out of this whole thing.
Some days he kisses me and I just want to turn aside and not kiss him. But then I am worried I will hurt his feelings. It's only been two weeks and I feel like he thinks we should be past all of it already. But I am not. Is there something wrong with me? I don't want him to touch me, but he does anyway. He is happy and skipping along, but I feel empty inside.
I'm sorry, guys. I had meant to make this a happy post, but I just am not happy. I tried reaching inside to find something good and fun, but there is nothing there right now but pain and confusion and emptiness.
Tell Zuki you need him to do the DB techniques...you need some space, some time to heal. If he continues to push you, I fear you will not be able to deal with then anger, hurt, etc, and you will end up pushing him away. ((hugs)) to you....
You're right, maybe it's time he reads the book. I really do want this M to work, it's been so much work on my part. And he is trying, I can see he is. I guess I am just so hurt it feels like too little too late. You know?
Sometimes a hiatus isn't bad, I wear out if I dwell on 'fixing' things 24/7.
Are you happy about looking at a house and securing a future together? or are you apprehensive about the future and dreading the lockdown?
This affair stuff sure sucks. You have your H and not sure how to feel about affection from him. I sort of have my H, we are in the same house, but I don't affectionately have him. I am so focused on trying to get that from him that I have blocked out my feelings about him being with another woman. Someday I will have to address those emotions again, when and if H ever decides that I am an okay person to be affectionate with again. I continue to wait for him to initiate a hug.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you and how you feel. It is all so fresh, your pain is still high. Zuki does need to help you thru it, give you space but don't be distant. And you need to help him understand your needs.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Zilla, I want to let you know that I don't want to push you. And don't worry about hurting me or pushing me away either. I know it's going to take time and I don't expect your pain over my betrayal to go away over night. I know it may seem to you that I'm all happy but I'm not. I am glad that you allow me to hold and kiss you because it's important for our reconnection, but it hurts me too because I can tell it hurts you. Yes, I am anxious to move on but only because of my guilt and I realize that. I just wanted to let you know that I realize you are still hurting and will for quite a while.
{{WCW}} I was there. I know just how you feel. Turning off your emotions is a tough choice, but it does help get through the "fight" portion of what you are doing now. It's so hard to turn them back on after, also. But it does come. I did recover from the first betrayal, after all. It just really stinks that I was pretty much back to normal and not hurting that often, and it all came back.
I remember trying to get affection and being a good DBer. It's tough. We are here for you. It may not be what you want, but it's all we can give you.
Over all - to answer WCW's question - I guess I am looking forward to moving on with my life. But part of me is also dreading it. I think it's because it is a huge financial step, but it may be more than that.
Just curious, did Rottzilla tell you that your EA hurt her? Was she up front with that during the whole thing? If so, how did that make you feel? Was that helpful for you to know this?
I ask because my H and I have a good level of communication. The OW is not part of that. Only recently, did he come out and admit that he spent a lot of time with her and why he did. I'm working to get to a point where we can finally talk about this and I don't want to jump in too soon. My H knows that his "friendship" has hurt me greatly but I don't know if he knows how much or that if something like that were to ever happen again that I would leave him for good.
Right now, the topic is a closed door between us but I am hoping that we can open it again someday soon.
From my viewpoint - I pretty much said "I know you are seeing someone." To which, he replied "No, I'm not" over and over and over.
I did say I was hurting and he didn't care - while he was an alien anyway.
But, that's my view - I will let him answer you. I just thought maybe it would be helpful to see both sides to this question as you can see my action and his reaction.
Hi sikan, While I was lying about the whole thing, (and an "alien") I felt as long as I didn't confirm it, I wouldn't hurt her. Believe me, I know now that I was hurting her from day 1. Because even before the EA became the EA and was still a friendship, I kept that friendship secret. Which was what allowed it to become the EA in the first place.
I know just how you feel. Turning off your emotions is a tough choice, but it does help get through the "fight" portion of what you are doing now. It's so hard to turn them back on after, also. But it does come. I did recover from the first betrayal, after all. It just really stinks that I was pretty much back to normal and not hurting that often, and it all came back. 