Still trying....

[ValerieA]

A little journaling:

I talked a little with H yesterday. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but H's weekday with the boys is now Wednesday instead of Tuesday. This way S9's Tae Kwon Do class doesn't interfere with their quality time together. Anyhow, it seems H forgot that this was the new arrangement because he was talking about going to play in the weekly poker tournament . I reminded him, he said he was sorry... ...so we went ahead and planned for the boys to be with him this afternoon when they get out of school.

Anyway, I asked him again about MC....what a surprise....he still hasn't done a thing about it but said that he would today. He said, "I will. Don't worry, ok? I'll do it." I told H, "I'm not worried, but I want to SEE what you're saying to me, H. Not just HEAR it. Do you understand what I'm talking about? I need to see that you mean what you're saying to me." H said, "Well...are you sure this is what you want to do, Valerie? Do you want to try and work things out or do you want to just say no and be done with me?" I said, "I don't know, H...but I think if we go to C, it might help us BOTH figure out what we want. Ok?...I just don't know. Is that what's keeping you from calling? Because you're waiting for my answer first? Do I have to give you answer right now? I'm sorry, but I can't do that." H said I didn't have to give him an answer now, and he would call a MC today.....mmm hmm...

I need to get out and do something this weekend. I feel the need to just get away from my sitch altogether ! The kids are spending the entire weekend with my parents, so I'll definitely have the opportunity to do something .

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Well, I just spoke with H. He said he called 6 different MCs and left a voicemail with each one, so now he's waiting for someone to return his call.

Ok, seeing how I've never called one myself, is that what usually happens? You leave a VM? They don't normally have a receptionist or someone to answer incoming calls?

Anyone? Thanks.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[Hopeful_Future]

Yes, at least from what I've gone through, it's normal. It took me about two days to actually get an appointment set up with one. And keep in mind, if you don't click with the first one, try a different one. It took me three before I found one I was comfortable with. Also, when you go for the first time make a list of questions for them. How do they view X, Y, and Z? Are they solution oriented? Are they married? (If not, why?) These are important because you want a MC that is actually pro-marriage and not pro-divorce.

[ValerieA]

Ok. Thank you, Hopeful . I appreciate it!

Now I'll just need to make sure H keeps on top of it .

Thanks again,

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[DonH]

I'll be the first one to admit that what I think may not mean squat, but I wanted to tell you that I think you are doing the exactly correct thing at this point. Perhaps that means run like hell I would have two suggestions for you to consider and perhaps you can even somehow work in with this first one that it was suggested to you by a "friend" I wouldn't say you got it from an Internet board. However, being guys, even guys hanging by a thread in our M we sometimes still do not "get it". I would suggest that you tell M in no uncertain terms that this is his last chance. I would be very friendly but firm and say, look, I'm not even sure that I still want to be in this M but I think I am still open minded enough to give it a shot. However, this is it. You are not going to get another chance if you blow this one. That doesn't mean that if you make a mistake here or there that I'm done but it does mean that if you... and then list your deal breakers. I would ask him if he understands. Does he get how serious this is? I really would sit him down and tell him this because if he wants you back as much as he says he needs to understand that he now has to put 100% into his 50% of the relationship. Nothing less will do. Secondly, I would not stay on him about the MC. If he doesn't follow through, I think that is yet another signal for you. I am very proud of you for giving him the chance that you are giving. I think that you are earning your way out of the M or letting him earn his way back in. That is all that can be asked of you, but I cannot stress enough how important I think it is for you to speak in such clear terms to what it is you want and need and what it is that will kill his last chance. The ball is then in his court.

Again, I want to say what a great thing you are doing here. Use all that you have learned and stay on the road you are on. You will be very glad that you did - regardless of where you end up.

[dodgermf]

V (not JV!),

Yeah, my counselor never answers the phone because she's always in with an appointment. However she usually calls back the same day. Sounds to me like he might be stalling but I don't want to get accused of being negative by anyone ...

DMF

[ValerieA]

Don, I already want to run like he** whenever I see a post from you ! LOL j/k

I completely agree with everything you wrote...about sitting H down and making sure he understands how VERY serious this all is, and should he screw up again, that will be the last time he does...at least with me.


Thanks, D. I figured it had to be something like the MC was in the middle of a session when he called....but I was also thinking the same negative thing...that H might have been stalling or making up some temporary excuse. I didn't say anything though because I didn't want to be negative either...Oops! I just did, didn't I?!

Thanks, guys. I'm very grateful for your input and advice.

-------------------------------------

Journaling:

Ok....well some good news and not-so-good news.

Good news first -- H made it to the next level in his refinery technician training course !!! I know it's not the ideal career for many, but it means a whole lot to H, and I am very happy for him ! After all his studying and hard work on his tests, he's been considered as a candidate for hiring. I'm not clear on all the details yet (when I learn more, I can post about it), but all I know is that he gets to attend some sort of seminar on Nov. 8th, and he's VERY thrilled about it .....It's been a long time since I've heard him this excited about anything, so I'm glad. Good for H !

Alright...the not-so-good news -- I'm thinking MC isn't going to happen. I feel like I don't want to do it....Why?....Because H is just as confused as and/or as wishy-washy as I am about the whole thing.

He called me yesterday morning to tell me that not one MC had returned his call (I didn't ask him about it; he just called and told me himself). I told him that he probably wouldn't hear from anyone until next week sometime.

H was quiet for a moment then said, "I don't know, Valerie....Part of me wants to just be fair and split everything down the middle, and part of me...I don't know...I don't know what I want to do." I told him that I understood exactly how he felt...I feel the same way. I don't know either.

I think H would agree to a D if I said, "Ok, let's just sell the house and pay everything off," or something to that effect. I think he might think that it will be cheaper for him if the kids and I weren't in here, but he's wrong. I don't think he realizes that he would actually pay more per month if we did it his way...especially if he gets the refinery job since the support will increase as his pay does.

I don't know...I could be wrong, but I can't help feeling like he's up to something. He asked me if I really spoke with a lawyer...???...and I told him yes -- he told me to so I did. Then he asked if it was one here in town; I said yes. Then he asked what I got for the $100 I paid...???...I just told him I asked some things, and the ATTY advised me on what I'm entitled to and the laws that pertain to them. I asked him why he was asking me all this, and he said, "No...no reason...I was just wondering, that's all." Then I asked him who he saw, and he told me nobody...just an acquaintence at the card room who knows about D stuff....Hmmm.

Anyway, I really don't think MC is going to happen. If it does, I don't think it's going to help. I think we both really want out of this M, but I think H is just afraid to actually go through with it. I'm ready to say goodbye because I can't take his back and forth crap any longer.

Ok, venting a little bit there , and I'm coming down with a cold . This weather has been crazy here -- chilly in the morning, very warm in the afternoon, then cold again at night. I was going to go over to my friend's house for a while, but I'm a little out of it. I'm going to take some medicine now, and hopefully it'll help.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Valerie,

WOW you havre grown SO MUCH!! I see so much strength in your posts. I think you are starting to repair the parts of you that have been damaged through this marriage.

Try not to worry about the counseling. You put it out there. If he really wants it he will make it happen.

One thing I noticed is that a friend left a message for another woman on YOUR machine for your husband?? Oh my word I would have been fuming! Sounds like you handled it way better then I ever could have. Because you two did have an agreement you wouldn't see other people. That is just way to much of a coincidence. It sounds like he must be seeing other people. I am sure that has to be swaying his decision back and forth. Of course he can't make up his mind one minute he could be with someone else and be confused. But then maybe he don't see her a couple days and starts thinking about you and missing what you had. He should just make up his mind and stop putting you through this back and forth stuff.

You have handled this with much grace and dignity. Not many women would have tried as hard as you. Just keep following your heart?

Since he has left have you two been intimate at all? I guess the reason I ask is to tell you to be careful. If he has been with other people you just never know who could have a disease. If you do I would make him wear a condom at least to protect yourself.

[ValerieA]

Hey there, cally . Long time, no write ! How have you been?

WOW you havre grown SO MUCH!! I see so much strength in your posts.

Thanks!!! I see it, too!!!

Try not to worry about the counseling. You put it out there. If he really wants it he will make it happen.

Oh, I'm not worried at all. I was just stating what I think is going to happen...or not happen .

One thing I noticed is that a friend left a message for another woman on YOUR machine for your husband?? Oh my word I would have been fuming! Sounds like you handled it way better then I ever could have.

Yes, that's what happened...the phone call, that is. I've never talked to that co-worker before, so I don't know...it was most likely a slip of the tongue...confusion...or something ...but I don't think H is seeing anyone. I can't say for sure, but I don't think he is. I think the reason he got sooo angry with me was because I asked him such a question...I wasn't accusing him of anything...I just asked, but he didn't like it .

He should just make up his mind and stop putting you through this back and forth stuff.

Yeah, I wish he would, too ! No, seriously though, I know he's just very confused, and so am I at times ...but I just want to move on with my life either way, and I feel like I can't do that completely when he's constantly changing his mind.

Since he has left have you two been intimate at all?

Once ...but you know what the sad thing was? For me at least? It was that there was no emotional connection in it for me...???...It was just sex, and nothing more. I used to feel like "one" with H, but I didn't that time. Like I said, it was just sex. Afterward, H asked me if I was alright with what happened. I told him yes, why wouldn't I be? He seemed to have an uncertain look on his face...like he was confused.

Trust me...if H was physically intimate with anyone else, he would've definitely used a condom. You've got to believe me on that one...he just would. I know that about him for sure.

Ok, I'll be back later to do a little journaling...I spoke with H again this morning after he returned from Oregon.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I wasn't sure if I had mentioned it or not, but H went to Oregon for the weekend to help out a former co-worker with a home and garden show. He made $550 for two days and was reimbursed for his travelling expenses, so that's pretty good.

Anyway, he is supposed to have the kids this weekend, but he might work another home show, so he was asking if he can have them tomorrow through the rest of the week. If he doesn't end up working the weekend, he'll still take them for that time, too. So I told him that was fine with me. I will have S1 for a few hours during the day and pick the other two up from school, then H will get them after his class every evening.

After discussing that, we pleasantly chatted for a bit longer then he said he was going to get some sleep before he went to his class. He usually goes to the early one, but since he was driving all night, he decided he should go to the night class. Then H said, "Can I say something without you taking it the wrong way?"....???....I said sure. H said, "It's times like this when I just want to move back home...I'm so tired from driving all morning, and all I want to do is sleep at home...The way I feel right now...it's like I have no energy, so I definitely wouldn't have the energy to fight with you......but I know if I moved back in right away, we'd probably get into it after a day or two...It'd be a mistake." I just said, "You're right. It would."

Ok, I just didn't get the point of repeating what we had already talked about. I already told him that it would not be a good idea for him to move back in immediately if we decided to reconcile.

But anyway, that was basically it. We didn't talk about anything else. Oh, H asked about Halloween....what were the arrangements for taking the kids out trick-or-treating....I hadn't thought about it really. I was planning on taking them out myself, but I didn't want to say that to him....I don't know why....so I told him we'd just play it by ear, and he said ok.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."