Hey all. I have come back to the boards after almost year of being pretty happy. I was over on Piecing for a long time. My first time here.
Quickly - H had EA with OW - I did all wrong things but finally found DB. Did a really good job at it, I guess, because he and I are "in love" again. I love him very much, and he loves me. All is well and good in marriage land.
Except for one little, nagging thing. H has no drive at all. We ML maybe once a week some months, but it's more like 6-8 weeks before I get any. It's been two weeks since we have had any contact, but did not ML. Before that it was four weeks.
The DBing worked great, and H has agreed to come to the boards with me and discuss so maybe we can get some insight into this new problem.
Here are the details that I think may be affecting us. Please, if you have any other insight into what may be happening, I would love to hear it.
1. I am 40 pounds heavier than when we first got together. I am going to the gym regularly, but so far have not lost anything noticeable. But I am committed and really working at it. Not only is this not "attractive" but I don't feel attractive. I am not as aggressive as I once was.
2. He has also gained 40 pounds. I know that when you are active, your SD goes up. So it must stand to reason that when you are out of shape, your drive goes down?
3. He feels very guilty about what he did to me and perhaps this has something to do with it. He has loads of guilt, despite me saying I forgive him - and meaning it, BTW.
Prior to all of this our SL was very satisfying to me. A few times a week but often nightly we would have some sort of contact. Now, all he wants is to snuggle and hold me at night. There were some times when we would go without for a time, but it was comfortable even then.
I can say all the things I have read here, but you all know it. I feel unattractive, unloved, unlovable, disgusting, etc etc. You know the drill. It hurts, in a nutshell. It hurts a lot. And I want it to stop hurting.
Not only the physical contact. I want the compliments. He used to not be able to stop staring at me and telling me how pretty he thought I was. Now, I could get dressed up with full makeup and hair and he wouldn't even glance at me twice. Yah, it hurts.
Congratulations on keeping it together. Good luck on your quest for the better bod! I have been working for about three months on getting a better bod. My goal was for my wife to audibly gasp when I took off my shirt. She does not actually gasp now, but she does touch me more and want to get physical more now that I have gone from a scrawny 154 to a muscular 174. I have worked on other areas of me also, but thought it would also help to offer her something more in the physical dept. I am sure your husband will notice your efforts and results. It will probably get him wanting to work on himself as well, but you can't push him. That is where I fail sometimes. Good luck! Andy
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Hellooo stranger - You were missed. This is so bittersweet - happy you are back, but sad for the fact that it is unresolved issues that has created this
I have to say in our case, any time we get bogged down with work and let the gym routine lapse, physical intimacy suffers. Happily we have a circle of friends with a variety of sporting activities so there is a supportive network to get us back on the endorphin led positive cycle.
Of course, if Dazedboy was here, he'd probably link this back to expectations too?
Quote: The DBing worked great, and H has agreed to come to the boards with me and discuss so maybe we can get some insight into this new problem.
I think this is great! I’ll clue you in on the usual suggestions that come with showing up here at SSM: 1. Read Michelle’s book, “The Sex Starved Marriage.” It has a lot of great advice and insights. 2. Read David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage.” It’s a lot more intense, but worth reading. 3. One other book that people suggest is “The Five Love Languages” This one kind of tells you to figure out how to speak your partner’s love language, which is likely different than yours.
Have you two thought about working out together? What a great opportunity to spend time with each other, improve your quality of life, and be there for each other just in case one of you keels over with a heart attack. (Kidding, kind of...)
His guilt trip is his problem to deal with, and perhaps counseling is in order. In fact, have you two thought about MC? It’s helping my situation.
Hi slowly, whatever happened to Dazed? I miss talking with him. He was such a special guy.
Hairdog, thanks for the recommendation. I haven't read SSM yet, but I do plan to pick it up. I will pick up the second one also. 5LL is one of my absolute favorites, I have given out copies to everyone I know. My LL is PT and H's is AOS, so that's where this lack of physicality is getting a bit in our way. (OK, a LOT in our way.)
MC is something we talked about. He was dead set against it but finally decided that he was willing to do anything he can to get us back where we need/want to be. How did you find a MC that works for you? That is my issue. I am having a hard time locating one that holds to the principles that Michelle teaches, which is important to me since it was DR that saved my marriage.
Finding a good MC takes time and patience. You have to start calling, and ask a lot of questions. I let my wife choose this MC because I wanted to go to one with which she would be comfortable. So, of course, our MC is a woman...and a lesbian.
But she is very good, and W respects her viewpoint.
Thanks honey. Nah, none of that. We have talked about it. He says he just doesn't have desire. None, nada, zip. He's not the "computer" type. Never really has been. Remember, though, this has been two years of lowering of SD. Not just a sudden drop. It petered out as his EA progressed, then got really good again after our reconciliation. But that didn't last long, it slowly died off again. Maybe the roller coaster of healing we went through had something to do with that? I had a lot of blow ups where I suddenly couldn't take any more and demanded a D. In fact, that's why we are here. I just couldn't take it any more and decided I wanted a D because we were missing that part of our lives, which I put a lot of weight on, and he asked if we could go see a MC.
He really just doesn't have the desire. Maybe some medical tests are in order? But I really think it's guilt and my weight. Maybe I am just personalizing it?
I love this man so very much, and don't want to be divorced. I want to grow old with him.
My LL is PT and H's is AOS, so that's where this lack of physicality is getting a bit in our way. (OK, a LOT in our way.)