Quote: I know I suck as a husband (I am given to understand) but I could claim to be a good father (even if I sayso myself).
lol. I'm behind you on the father claim, but think you should reconsider the statement on 'sucking' as a husband. How many h's are there that are willing to wait 26 months for the impending D. I am sorry to hear that might be coming up soon. You're doing a great job keeping focused, remember it's just a piece of paper and it may release some of the pressure.
I love your stories of D3. Sounds like she is quite the charmer. T
Weekend was normal. WAW must be cooking up the D papers still (she has a lawyer putting his/her skills to crafting one apparently) and has not handed them to me. Meanwhile, as in some surreal world we went about our usual schedule with D3 and we actually were on excellent terms, even ribbed each other a little bit. Somebody, please hit me on the head and wake me up from this crazy Alice-in-Wonderland life.......
This weekend I ran the 16 mile distance on Saturday evening in good time (2 hours 20 minutes- that keeps me on track for an under 4-hour marathon if I keep at it). And then played tennis Sunday morning. So I was one worn out animal over the weekend. Feels great though to think I can do that, so here's to great PMA induced by torturing my body....
I leave Wednesday to visit old friends in DC with D3. It should be a good trip hanging out and connecting with them. Havent seen them since the bomb dropped so it should be weird in some ways. These were great mutual friends of mine and WAW when she still was a resident of planet earth.
Anywho, if you dont find me bugging y'all over the next few days or posting regarding my strange glacial drift into divorce-land, please be assured that I have not jumped off the nearest high-rise.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Strange Alice-in-Wonderland life is right. Sounds like how things were with my X at that point in the process. We were the best we had been in a long time and the D was proceeding along. I can't even begin to understand it or suggest what you should do. I guess I would continue as you are currently doing and be patient. And not letting thoughts of the D interfere with your PMA. Have fun in DC
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I really thought I was emotionally and mentally prepared for the D, because she had moved out and we were certainly emotionally and physically divorced, so the legal matter seemed only a formality. But when a couple of months went by with no mention, I began to believe it meant something, so when she did give me notice, it was like being shot.
I am not remotely able to understand how you walked the minefield for so long. You can only hope since you have been separated for so long, it will be only a formality, be it a painful, final one.
You have no choice but to keep moving as you have.
Wow - 16 miles! You are an animal! My pain threshold tops off at about 6-7 miles. And tennis the next day even!
Try to keep your focus away from the papers, UD. As Bruce notes, they are merely a formality. The R is where it's at.
UD, in my sitch there was an ethnicity difference. X was a 'mutt' (her words) with various types of 'white culture, while I am Mexican with a dash of recent Spanish. I imagine that early on, my Hispanic way of being (I'm not full of machismo, but I'll bet there is more in me that in many non-Hispanics) was exotic and attractive. Then in the last several years, those same differences that were 'nice' became intolerable or irreconcialible. I think this also fed the ILs dislike for me over time. I'm not claiming discrimination here but merely pointing out another uncontrollable factor in my sitch.
Do you have a similar mismatch in your sitch? If so, do you think that its affecting your W's take on the R? My goal is to stay connected w/ my roots, in fact find ways to deepen them (trips to Mexico and Spain in the next few yrs), and assume that if it was attractive at one time, it can be attractive in the future.
I hope you enjoy your trip to DC if I don't hear from you.
I'm sad that your wife went to a lawyer....I fear that divorcelawyers being what they are, you can't expect that the lawyer will try to convince her to give the marriage a try. It might not yet be too late to ask your W if she'd consider going to a theraputic mediator to iron out the finances, instead of an attorney. And although some here might think it not a good idea, I wonder if giving your W a copy of 'Divorce Busting' at this juncture might not wake her up to the other side of divorce. (Financially, it bodes not well for a woman, especially a young mom.)
As for MIL....how does she feel about marriage commitment and divorce in general. She could be a 'help' if your W doens't convince her that you were a cad in some way. But moms can also be very protective of their d's and especially their grandbabies.
I'm sad to see any marriage fail. I consider divorce a tragedy and destructive not only to the family, but really to our entire culture that we trivialize it so. Altho I haven't read many of your posts, I feel that you have been trying very hard to save your marriage. I'm sending pixie dust your way!
Hey, I cant make it in September. In fact, I am neck deep until December, the Fall semester is particularly heavy in teaching load for me and also there is far too much travel coming up. I am out every month for a few days in Aug-Dec, including a conference in Singapore in Dec. Why couldnt you guys plan something in summer, huh?
gd1:
Thanks for your post. I assume you are either new in this heaven-forsaken netherworld of the bb or perhaps you are just browsing to see what the bottom of the barrel is talking about?
WAW herself has a degree in law and I am not sure why she could not just download some forms from the net and fill it out? I guess she did not want to spend the time. Anyway, I dont think she has any economic constraints to worry about. She makes more money than I do and for some reason, even though we are going to have joint custody of D3, I will have to pay her child support according to the her lawyer (I really need to look into this once I see the paperwork). Giving her books like DB will not be useful and may hurt me because it will take away my ammunition. MIL is a mystery to me. She lacks analytical capacity and so I dont even know what (if anything) she is thinking. And I dont want to involve any of W's family in this mess. I dont think it will help me any.
I agree with you 100% on the impact of divorce. It really eats a culture from the insides and is such a preventable tragedy. Sucks lemons for sure. And boy, have I tried my best to not see this come to pass in the past couple years. But it's just not been enough to stave it off.
Thanks for pixie dust gd1. Now I need to go take another shower.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Having divorced in Iowa and paying child support there for 3-4 years I do have a sense to how it works. Joint custody means absolutely nothing. It means your XW can't donote your child's kidney without asking your opinion first. I have joint custody with my XW. I still pay CS and lots of it. What you want is "joint physical custody" or to be "primary caregiver". The one considered the primary caregiver gets child support. The names have changed, but the game is the same. If you get joint physical custody you can probably swing no CS. If you have them more than 150 days (or something like that) you can probably get a reduction in your CS. But I did the math once. If my XW had primary physical custody and I had them 365 days a year the reduction would only be like 20-30% a month or something ridiculous. Check the child support guidelines for Iowa. They are online.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My pain threshold tops off at about 6-7 miles. And tennis the next day even!
but merely pointing out another uncontrollable factor in my sitch. 
I guess she did not want to spend the time. Anyway, I dont think she has any economic constraints to worry about. She makes more money than I do and for some reason, even though we are going to have joint custody of D3, I will have to pay her child support 