I got locked out of my previous thread so here I am.
----------------------------------------------------------- Outline of sitch: Me - 38 - living in the "house" WAW - 34 - moved out into an apartment with D3 One spunky, gorgeous D3 Bomb (Hiroshima): June 2003 - WAW manual stuff - you know the speech Bomblet (Nagasaki): May 2005 - WAW says she cant make it back into the M and is going to D ----------------------------------------------------------
I must thank all of you on this forum for being upstanding and constant in your support.
So, where am I?
Mentally I am in an okay place actually. PMA is high, GAL activities continue. WAW has not supplied me with any documents to John Hancock yet and while I may not have thwarted a D, I do not see the D monster hovering conspicuously around either. I have had too much business travel lately and in fact the next semester appears to be quite busy with travel as well. And with a heavy teaching load I am going to be toast for the next six months. But I am still looking forward to the marathon in October. All this travel has made training a bit of a challenge but I think I am still doing okay.
Some of you may recall that the latest curve-ball in my situation was the advent of the MIL to live here in town. I actually get along well with my MIL and under ordinary circumstances I would have welcomed my MIL's presence. Well, she is lonely and both she and WAW could use familial bonding, D3 would benefit from intergenerational bonding etc. Coming from a tightly-knit family myself, all of that is very appealing. However, my fear is this: WAW has already been talking about all the things that she will do to spend time with MIL. Since the time she has spent on relationship repair (or even self-repair) has been vanishingly small, I am afraid that it will simply become zero after MIL arrives. Secondly, caring for D3 has been burdensome for W and if MIL takes over doing that W will not face the burdens of the single life and reality will not bite her. So, I fear that the R with W will continue to fade after MIL arrives. On the contrary though, as some of you so kindly pointed out, I can serve as a buffer if MIL drives W up the wall (inevitable due to generational gap) and be a good listener and maybe that will bring W and me closer? Like we say in math, too many unknowns, not a problem that can be solved. So, I have determined to go past the problem and continue to GAL.
Recently, W went to her hometown and had a great trip. She made it a point to reconnect with family and friends. That is all good for her (and hopefully for the R). I sense that there is a lot of 'who am I?' questioning that W has been doing in the past six months to a year and I should count this as self-work. If she is in MLC, this is part of her process of individuation and is very good.
I want to end this first post my listing positives in my sitch:
1. D3 is a pleasure, she is doing as well as any kid emotionally. 2. No OM yet. 3. Sporadic baby steps from W interspersed with retraction into hole. 4. W's spirits seem to be on an up-trend. 5. I am able to maintain my PMA. I feel much stronger, calmer and self-assured. 6. In the past year, even after Nagasaki (May 22 R-talk when W said "I cant make it work, I guess we should just D. I think I will talk to a lawyer") we have celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, and other events together (W, myself and D3). So there are still some threads by which we are hanging on. 7. W treats me with much more deference that before, I mean even better than before the bomb. This in the last six months or so. Before that I was the anti-Christ. 8. W has become comfortable with accidental physical contact and sometimes the contact is not as accidental as it appears to be. Physical space has shrunk, for some inexplicable reason since Nagasaki (May 22). 9. I see flashes of different personalities in W and lately I have been seeing a lot more of my old W, in her voice, demeanor etc.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
and all very weird after two years. I learned though they may not appear to be pressing the D, they have not forgotten it.
You have taken great strides in turning the focus on yourself and D3. Continue this.
As for MIL, this is a sticky issue. During the M, MIL and I had a pretty good rapport and even after the bomb and separation we talked a lot. Then I found out she was telling W everything we talked about and telling me everything she and W talked about. In the last year since D, I have seen her briefly once and talked to her Mon on S9 birthday VERY briefly and that is it. So be careful.
You got to admire your patience and stamina. Good job on GAL activities. Is your intent to just go with the current flow or to shake things up a little bit by doing more pursuing? I guess since you've made strides perhaps the status quo is for the best.
Let us know how the MIL thing works out. I for one think that she won't be nearly the source of support that your wife probably anticipates. I agree with Dogma. Watch what you say to MIL. One thing that might be helpful is to point out positives that you see in your W to your MIL...(ie she's so smart...etc whatever). Those kind of things can be indirect ways of providing WOA without actually pursuing.
How do you manage to even go dark for a couple days. I'm really struggling with just a few. Or do you have contact with her most days?
Well good luck. I hope this is your last thread here and then you move to piecing.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, well, well....breaking (literally) news folks. WAW came by office today and told me she was going to see the lawyer this afternoon. We sat and talked for 3 hours about everything. It was a good talk. W told me a lot about her feelings and I told her a lot about mine. There were many long hugs, plenty of tears (from her).
We talked candidly about the cycle of pressure-recoil that we had both fallen into. She said she was extremely frustrated with it and that she did not know any other way out than to go through with the D. I said that I could not stop her but this is not what I want. There was still an open-endedness to this whole thing. I told her I forgived her, that I loved her dearly and that I would like an R with her. She said likewise.
I asked what would change from here on out and she said nothing, that she would still like us to spend time together and all that. It almost seemed like she needed the D to relieve pressure on her. She had a lot of good things to say about me this time around and I validated her like crazy. I told her I forgave her, said the separation had actually been good for me, it had helped me grow. And she said she had noticed the growth and that I am a different person now. We talked about what each of us had done wrong in the past few years and what both of us should have done, without finger-pointing and admitting to things about ourselves freely.
I thought our conversation was very good, almost cathartic. And then she left to go meet the lawyer. So, folks, I guess I am now officially a card-carrying member of the divorced-but-not-done club. I dont know where this bucking Bronco is heading anymore but I am still in the saddle hanging on for dear life. I feel surprisingly calm.
Sorry Wes, you are not going to get rid of me just yet, not to the piecing forum at least.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I wondered. You seemed to have moved into a situation much like mine. My now X was always saying "how come we are so good together" or "things are better now than they ever were" and then Blam....divorce city. I really cannot figure out why the WA thinks this is some sort of answer.
It sounds like you handled it really well and certainly paved the way for a post-D relationship. Hopefully you are able to fare better than I have post-D. I think I've moved backwards from where I was just before D. Maybe the X gets more comfortable with the D over time. I don't know. But at any rate you have a headstart on your continuing R. We'll have to compare notes.
P.S. I'm sorry to hear that your W was determined to get the D. You handled it so well that I forgot the apologies. I hope all it does is help your W see her way back to you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I was sorry to read about W pushing on for the D, despite the nice progress and changes that she admits noticing. It plain stinks that the WAS gets in this rut/track toward D, and can't seem to pull themselves out of it.
The R will continue in some semblance b/c of D3, and I hope that W will see that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. I've noticed in my sitch that when W visits with close or extend family or friends, usually she comes back with greater verve or determination regarding the D or severing ties. I imagine that these loved ones likely are giving her pro-D and "move on" advice, as they do not want to see her in pain/distress. Michelle writes about this in DR. Hopefully, things will calm abit if she can spend time with you and be reminded once more of your positives.
Regardless, keep your eyes on the R, UD, in terms of DBing, rather than the M. And stay focused and hardworking in terms of yourself.
Not much has happened. After the rather nice talk yesterday (but for the intimation that the D was indeed going to happen), W has retreated into coldness yet again.
I am feeling very discouraged right now and I doubt more and more that anything will come out of this R in the future. I have been her for over two years and while W admits to strong feelings for me still, I dont see a route to recovery for the M. And neither does W. I think like Wes' XW, mine has a head-heart conflict and it seems like her head (or some discombobulated version thereof) is winning right now.
On a lighter note:
This morning I was driving D3 to daycare and she said something sweet to which I said "I love you D3" and she said "Me too", then paused for a second and with a smile she said "I love myself". I cracked up both because of what she said and also because I was tickled that she noticed that "Me too" was an inappropriate response. And then she topped that off with "I love my parents too" and laughed. (How many times have we been to a grocery store and the checkout-person says "come see us again" and you go "you too" and retreat hastily with a "WTF did I just say?" look on your face? )
A couple days back one of the day-care-ladies said : "D3 was sassy today." I looked puzzled. She said "I asked D3 to take a time out and she put both her palms facing up and said "whatever"". I outwardly expressed appropriate disapproval while smiling on the inside. Then she said "and then I told her to stand right there and D3 said "absolutely not"". Well, it was all I could do to suppress my laughter while continuing to sympathize with the day-care-lady. I did gently upbraid D3 later about saying those things but she can be so disarming and I am such a push-over I doubt she will quit being sassy.
Lately she has taken to squeezing our cheeks and saying "dont be so cheeky". Really cracks me up.
For a three-year old she does have a keen sense of humor.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Very cute. Sounds like your daughter is really sharp. It's so cute. At least as far as your daughter is concerned you are doing everything right. When all is said and done you can be proud that you were there for her.
Hearing this makes me sad for the loss of innocence that eventually happens...you know a little bit of "my parents are divorced too" when with all your heart you wish your kids never had to utter those words.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks, guys. I know I suck as a husband (I am given to understand) but I could claim to be a good father (even if I sayso myself).
It's been quiet. I have not talked to W much and she has not communicated in any form either. I guess this weekend is going to be the D paperwork weekend. Next week I am going out of town with D3 to see some friends. I dont know if she is going to hand me papers before my vacation or after. I dont care either way, sucks eggs anyway.
Well, this weekend is going to be a 16 mile run. I just need to focus on my marathon training now so I can ride this crap out. October 9 is two months away and I have been ratcheting up training. That keeps me busy. The next semester starts August and I am actually looking forward to the heavy teaching load as it usually leaves little room for rumination.
Have a good weekend all.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
