I am doing better today, but still feeling a little fragile. I was very surpised at myself for crying so much. I basically cried all night last night...it would come in waves, and then go.
While it was happening I was able to step back and observe, "Hey, I'm crying!" and just let the tears flow. I know it was a release, and part of the grieving process.
Today my H and D are on an all day hike. I really somehow thought we could have a cordial and civilized divorce.
I am sad because I really, truly loved him! But it still holds, even if he doesn't think so... What do I have to gain from reconcilliation? NOTHING! I get a cheater and a liar. What does he have to gain? EVERYTHING! His life back, me and the kids and the house.
Unfortunately the summer is a bad time for things to go sour. My income drops drastically until October. Usually it has been fine because he works extra to make up the difference. But he is being such a jerk I am a little worried.
Thanks again, ladies! SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Hi SG! {{{ SG }}} I'm w/ Q, Vent Away!! This is the place to do it, after all, it falls on deaf ears w/ the STBX! Do not blame you one bit for being fed up! these WA have had more then their fair chance and now its our turn to set some rules
Just remember SG, you are the sane one, they are out in la la land and I dont mean L.A!
Hope your 4th is/was a good one Is it next weekend you take D to SLO? You'll have a nice weekend !! Talk to ya soon girly
** Karen **
** Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life **
It is late, and I am hanging on to the last bit of the weekend by staying up late and posting. My summer vacation is about to end, summer session starts tomorrow!
I did have a great weekend once I got over the horrible encounter with you know who...
Saturday night I went out to the movies with a girlfriend, we saw this movie: Crash. An excellent, thought provoking film that should win some Acadamy Awards! We saw the movie and then de-briefed afterwards with some drinks at a cafe. My kind of night! It was so much fun, and my friend had never been to that cafe or theater before. It is funny, H and I would go on that exact same "Date" frequently, but it was such a drag with H! He would leave a movie and declaim, (loudly!) "Well, THAT was a waste of 2 hours!"
On Sunday my friend and I took the short drive (90 minutes) to San Francisco. My friends daughter stays alternate weekends with her dad there, so I came along for the pick up. We stopped at a Dim Sum restaraunt and picked up some Dim Sum to go and then we went to the beach. It was chilly and overcast, a welcome change from the 90-100 temps we have been having in the Valley!
Silly me forgot the rule about sun screen in cloudy weather and now I am bright red! My daughter says it makes me look angry! But she says it in a nice way!
It was very soothing and relaxing to look at the endless horizon of the ocean and listen to the waves. One of my all time favorite things!
On the way home we stopped at IKEA and I got some stuff for the house...bookends, a few throw rugs and some cool outdoor lights. It was a perfect day.
Today, on the Glorious Fourth, I drove my daughter to work, yes she had work today and went in like the trooper she is. Then I went to Yoga class.
The teacher often gives us a thought to focus on during class, and today, naturally it was " What Does Freedom Feel Like? "
That is a good question. There are so many different kinds of freedoms, and there are so many that we take for granted...I know that I enjoy certain freedoms just because of the accident of being born into the USA as a White person, with educated middle class parents.
But today as I was doing my Yoga, I was thinking about the actual feeling of freedom. To me, the iconic feeling of freedom would be of flying...I sometimes have great flying dreams and I can really feel free when I am having them.
At this point in my life, and the divorce process, I would say I feel fairly free. I don't have to worry about mister grumpy coming home and disrupting the calm home I have with the kids. I can do pretty much whatever I want here at home, and that wasn't really the case for many years. We had a walking on eggshells kind of existance, where we were very tentative around each other.
I guess my life is calmer, and a lot more free. I am glad about that!
And now I am going to bed.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Well school started on Tuesday, and I had a fairly productive day in that I managed to clean all the floors in the house! This is quite the accomplishment, I have hardwood floors everywhere except the kitchen and bathroom. My floor situation has been a little dicey because of my senile doggie who does her business where ever she feels like doing it. I have taken up all the rugs to simplify cleaning, and of course I spot clean whenever this happens, BUT I was in desperate need of an all-over cleaning. What does this have to do with school? Easy. I can't do school work if the house is beyond a certain level of cleanliness. So yay, I did it.
The kids noticed and were appreciative. Yay kids! We had pizza for dinner since I really didn't want to mess up my clean kitchen by cooking!
In between bouts of cleaning I would do computer and homework.
Tuesday night H called to talk to me. He wanted to "appologize" His appologies seem nice to other people on the board, but to me they are same old same old. He did vocalize what I knew, though. He said,
Quote: I know you feel pretty certain about this divorce. And it wasn't when you gave me back the ring, or even when you served me with papers, but when I move those pianos out, to me that means it is really over.
I said to him, "H, any chances of reconcilliation were over when I saw your girlfriends shoes by the door! And you were telling me you wanted to work on the marriage when you are still involved with her?!?" He said, "Yeah, I know you won't tolerate that" but then I said , "You haven't done anything to change that"
I also said that I was hoping to work things out collaboratively, and when I mentioned that to him he said he was going to co-operate. I sure hope so.
This weekend is a test He assured me that he was working on renting a truck and getting the pianos out this weekend. I told him I would be gone most of Friday and Saturday because of school, and it would work out good for me if he did it then. He said he would try. (Yoda voice here: There is no try. Only do.)
If the stuff is still here Sunday, I am afraid I will have to skip mediation and go for an adversarial type of divorce.
I feel like writing him and telling him that the best thing he could do for me is just co-operate and stop playing games. Part of me feels that this would appeal to his "Want to do the right thing" nature and it might even work. The other part of me feels that this will just make him angry and even more adversarial.
I still have a major assignment that I need to finish by tomorrow... Got to get ready to see my counselor. This is the last appointment that is covered by insurance, but I feel like I will need some support in the coming busy months.
D needs to use the computer, more to talk about, but I will do that later.
Take care, all! SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
YAYYYYY SG!!!! Sounds like you're on a roll. Good for you!!! Really, you do sound better than ever. I'm thinking that making the "final" decision to D has been a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.
BTW, are you aware that we have another date this weekend????
Oh..oh.. your H is showing a little remorse here??? that taking the pianos will mean that it is really over...what planet did he fall off from again? He did this to himself and is now reaping what he has sown. I guess he really thought that you would be there forever. But, time's up and he just needs to continue on with his chosen lifestyle. He used his last dime and he did not even know it. Figured he can sweet talk you each time before.
Wait till you get your MS and be making really big bucks...and then have a really handsome hunk right next to you graduation day That would just be about perfect revenge... Me, I am ok with the status quo for now...living in limbo land. But I think OW will be pushing for my H to file for his D since she has been D for over a year now. I will sign that piece of paper when it shows up in my mailbox. I have relinquished all claims to my H including emergency contact information. I listed my son as my next of kin. I yelled at my car insurance folks for changing my address to his. I got my new statement this week with the right address on it this time.
I got an unexpected raise too...I guess they like me at work. I am back to walking my hour and a half and I am in a much better mood because of it. Now, I just need to go to the gym for my lunch hour like I used to.
So forward we all go Goddess. Life handed us lemons and we are making sweet lemonade.
SG! So glad H got all his stuff out, I know that must be a relief to you! Now you have a nice clean, clutter free garage , thats all yours! I am still coming across bits and pieces of STBX stuff around here!
Hows your weekend going SG? Is your D all ready for SLO? My S two best friends are leaving soon, one for USC in L.A, S hopes to join him next year, and the other up to Santa Barbara, S is a bit sad I think, his best friends from middle school, but life changes, and when you cherish a friendship, you work at keeping it up i think.
Hope your summer is super so far SG drop us a line!
** Karen **
** Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life **
Thanks for stopping by. My weekend has been busy. I had summer school on Friday and Saturday. Today I mostly caught up on bills and paperwork and then did some homework.
This evening I drove D and 3 of her friends to H's house. She is having a sleepover over there with her friends. This week they each get to schedule a day and a night with the whole group. I took them over there, and H invited me in. I saw how he has his piano set up, and he said he gave away the second piano. I noticed a lot of evidence of OGIRL, such as Japanese soap and shampoo in the shower, a set of 4 wrapped toothbrushes from JAL on the bathroom sink (laid out for D and her friends) and a big basket filled with Japanese tea and cookies and fruit in the kitchen.
Just last week H was telling me that he thought he had a chance to get back together with me!
I didn't say anything since D and her friends were there, but I sure was annoyed.
H acted all nice and friendly.
He will be getting an e-mail from me!
He has to go to court tomorrow, his speeding ticket has grown into a failure to appear and a warrent out for his arrest. This is going to cost at least $500!
The big dummy.
D doesn't go to SLO until September. Her start is the week after Labor Day, so that is when I will be there, the weekend of the 9th-11th...
I go to Chicago next week to help out my sister who is having surgery tomorrow. Illinois DBers, sorry, I won't really get a chance to get away! But I will be thinking of you!
So, that is my weekend. Busy and stressful. Dealing with delusional H and lots of homework to do!
But I am glad to have something to focus on.
Thanks again Karen! Talk to you soon,
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
But she says it in a nice way!
His appologies seem nice to other people on the board, but to me they are same old same old. He did vocalize what I knew, though. He said, 
(Yoda voice here: There is no try. Only do.)
