I know I'm not crazy. Those shorts weren't there before. H either has to come clean or I will be moving out in August instead of joining him on holiday.
Always in this scenario I end up being the one apologising for being suspicious and not trusting H and ignoring what my gut says is true. Pushing down and away so I don't have to face it or deal with it.
It feels like H really doesn't love me. He is playing his own game and I am just a pawn in it. If i don't like the game too bad. Well you know what I don't want to play this game anymore.
I need to get it through my thick head that he does not love me. A man who truly loved me and wanted our M would not be doing this. I am writing here as I need to get this out and I feel as if my heart is breaking all over again.
I don't know how others do it. If there is an ow I am done. "If there is". How can I even question that???!!! I mean who the f#$k is giving him RL stuff!!!
This is the last thing I want to do. I want my M. I can't say I love my H because I think I don't know who my H is. I love that part of him that is good, kind and loving. Where is that person?
I remember when I found out about the first A it was weeks after we had been skydiving in Tampa. H had had a bit of a problem with the jump. I remember saying to him that I felt as if my H had died on that jump. I also said it would have been easier on me if he had. I regret that now. No matter what nobody deserves that as the penalty for infidelity.
I don't want this but I don't have a choice. H has chosen for me. For my own pride and self esteem I cannot look the other way and pretend this is nothing. I mean now H has 8 RL things. Two from his sister and the rest from whom???!!!!
I mean am I overreacting here? Would appreciate any insight, thoughts, comments.
H is leaving on his trip tomorrow am. He will be gone until end of August. At least we planned to be out in Las Vegas until end of August. Now I will leave and move to own house before H gets back which will be latest mid August as hotels are already paid for until then. So this is my last night with H.
I have not told him this. But I feel I must do this. I do not intend to meet him out there and will not be here waiting when he comes back.
A part of me would be relieved. I could focus entirely on my career(whopee ding). I would not have to constantly compare myself to other women and wonder if H is cheating with one of them or whatever. I will have peace (of a kind).
I hate this. I can't believe that after all my hard work that this is what it comes to. That my M ends. I always thoght somehow someway we could work it out. Guess its not meant to be.
IMO, if you want to remain married, don't move out. Do you have some family or very close friends in the area? See if you can have some folks stay with you while he is gone to keep you company. You are obviously very very upset and if you allow yourself to stew in things alone I would guess that it will make you more and more upset which will likely cause you to do things to furthe damage the relationship.
I appreciate the sentiment. But I feel it is H who has done the damage to the R. I can stay if I want to put up with anything he wants to do. But I can't do that and look myself in the mirror.
I do appreciate your comments and would welcome any others. I am really at a loss here as to what to do. I already feel myself pulling away from H and have started bracing for a future without him in it.
It is not what I want but feel there's no other choice.
Journalling- Went to my T on Wednesday. She says I am afraind to move forward and asked me to do a SWOT of that issue. That is, Strenghts, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.
She also pointed out that although I kept saying I did not want to fight with H before he left. His going on trip alone was a big issue for me and pushed many of my buttons re- trust, fear, fear of abandonment, rejection etc.
So I do see how I played the whole thing. Now that I have calmed down I realise I have no proof of an A. Okay someone, most likely female is giving him gifts of expensive clothing.
Having reviewed our conversations and all that has been goign on for the last few months my instincts are that some old GF or someone is giving H gifts. I feel he is not involved with them and is just taking the gifts. He says I need to trust him.
H does not understand that he has to earn or regain my trust. He feels his word should be good enough. I mean how ridiculous is that!!!???
I don't know if I am in major denial but thing is that I really haven't felt that H was up to anything. But then I am not with him 24/7.
I did the SWOT and have come to a realisation. I have had a constant battle between what I feel I should do. That is walk away instantly and forever. Punish H. How dare he do this to ME! Show him that I will not tolerate this.
I was raised by a mother who divorced after a hellish 20yr. M where there were constant fighting, physical abuse, alcoholism and frequent separations. My mom is a bitter person. Look I am not laying this at her door. Just explaining that she did nto want that for her Ds and kept telling us not to let men take advantage of us. SHe said to one of my GFs that a husband is a milstone around your neck.
Okay so that's in my mind as the scenario in a case of infidelity and what i always told H I would do. Yet the truth is that after horrible betrayal. I still love him. I still want him. I still want to be married to him. I can't envisage my life without him.
Don't get me wrong I know that I can perfectly well live and have a decent standard of living without him. But I don't want it. I know I will be miserable and unhappy without him. I don't want to be divorced, alone and unhappy.
Through all this I have never felt that H did not love me. But I was/am truly stuck by what I felt I as a self respecting woman ought to do and what my heart wanted to do.
I have realised that I don't want to be without H. How do I deal with this? For now realising this is all I can do. I have another session with the T tomorrow.
I called H and told him I would meet him in Vegas. He says the ILY etc. at end on conversation and seemed to want to talk but....
BTW he was the one who asked if I was coming to Vegas.
I pass this on to you as I did someone else. I too am having to try to regain my W's trust. I abandoned so it is a long haul for me. But if you love him consider the following:
You Cannot Do It Alone
God, I cannot forgive him in my own strength, In fact, I do not want to forgive him, at least until he has suffered for what he did to me. He does not deserve to get off easy. Everything in me wants to hold it against him and keep a high wall between us so he can never hurt me again. But your Word warns me that unforgiveness will eat away at my soul and build a wall between you and me, More importantly, you have shown me that you made the supreme sacrifice, giving up your own Son, in order to forgive me. Lord, please help me to want to forgive. Please change my heart and soften it so that I no longer want to hold this against him. Change me so that I can forgive and love him the way you have forgiven and loved me.
Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with Him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lofd forgives us: We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the wrongs, and not punish others for them. Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four romises: I will not dwell on this incident. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you. I will not talk to others about this incident. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Forgiveness is an act of will not feeling. Just as love is a choice, and 'act as if' and it will come.
This is from Ken Sande, The Peace Maker, a wonderful book for relationships (all). In this book is a recap story of a couple where the wife had an affair and the husband forgave but could not forget or be close to her. When taught this principle, he and the counselor called his wife and she came to the office in trepidation. As soon as she had sat down, Rick began. "Pam, I need to ask for your forgiveness. I have sinned so terribly against you. You asked me to forgive you, and I wouldn't give you real forgiveness. Instead, I have punished you with my bitterness and coldness. I have been so wrong. Will you please forgive me?" Pam disolved in teares. In between sobs, she poured out her own feelings of guilt and shame, along with her fear that Rick coud never really forget what she had done. Then Rick went over the 4 promises which as above mean we "choose not to remember".
You are on my prayer list and God bless you to make the right choices.
I have been reading your sitch for a while now. I have a few thoughts that I will put out here -- just some things to think about.
1. You really do not know if your H is telling you the truth or not. If you want to be with him, then my thoughts are to "act as if" he is telling the truth until proven otherwise. I mean, solid, substantial evidence that proves otherwise. Some new clothes in his closet doesn't prove anything. (I have been amazed at how much shopping my H has done for himself the last several months. I accused him of receiving CDs from the OW because I didn't think he would buy them for himself. He says he bought them -- all I can do right now is believe him.) Eventually, if our H are not telling the truth, it will come out. But the way I see things is that there are only two outcomes for my R -- we will either work it out or we won't. If I distrust and give him the 3rd degree about everything, I am guaranteeing that my R will not work out. So I'd rather take that chance that things will work out for us and "act as if" he is telling me the truth.
2. When I first found out about my H affair, I thought the only choice I had was to divorce him. That was the message I received from everyone. Now that I think about it, it was a pre-conceived idea that I had and everyone just reinforced it. I went to a lawyer. I was miserable that day before and during the appointment. I realized then that I didn't want to be in that lawyer's office and I did not want a divorce. It took me about two, maybe three months to finally be ok with following my heart. And that's what I'm doing. It's ok to follow your heart. Unfortunately it does make us vulnerable to our Hs again. But each person has to decide for themselves whether that chance is worth taking.
3. How would you see the situation differently if you focused only on the positives and forced all negative thoughts away?
4. Take advantage of the alone time right now. Use this time to start working through those issues of fear, betrayal and distrust. Hanging on to those feelings only guarantees that the relationship will not work.
Good! Go to Vegas and have a great time. Don't talk about R or possible A. Just have fun. He will be happy that you are having a good time and will enjoy being around you. I know what you mean about your mother. My mother's family always made me feel as if I had to be the responsible one, always able to take care of myself if I had too. So, I'm always afraid to ask for help cuz I should be able to do things myself. I also was left with the impression that men will leave you and you must be able to be independent when that happens. And that includes being independent in the M. I should do whatever I want regardless of what H thinks cuz I have to be independent cuz someday he's going to leave. Well, of course he left, cuz I kinda set it up subconsciously.
Anyway, I've been learning that it's ok to let him lead on occasion and make decisions. I can trust him to make a decision. Just cuz it might not be the way I'd do it, doesn't make it wrong. I don't have to control everything--and of course I can't anyway!
What does it mean for him to "earn" your trust. What does he have to do? I've not been able to put this in words really. It just seems to come with time and forgiveness. Just do it, I guess.
It sounds like he would only give up on the M because you say too. But are you just saying that hoping he will stop and beg you to stay and profess his undying love for you and all that romantic stuff? I know I've tried that a lot of times and never got that romantic, fantasy response. Cheeseless tunnel--not going to happen. But I know he wants to be with me even if he can't tell me in words. We were separated for almost a year and he came back by his own decision. If that isn't enough to prove to me he wants to be here, I don't know what is--even though I still look for the fantasy expression of his undying love!
Be patient, try not to do something that makes him feel he has to defend himself. Love him unconditionally if that is what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with that no matter what our families wanted us to believe. No one is perfect, neither us or our Hs. Everyone makes mistakes.
