hmmmmm, I've been thinking and thinking, I'm not even sure how to proceed from here. Obviously it's important that I find the strength to trust that H has ended the A..."act as if"....but when I think of building the kind of marriage I want us to have, I'm clueless as to how to proceed. I've been so focused for so long on getting up to this point. Letting go of the fear is huge in itself. It's important to get things moving forward on a positive note between us, but how to do that without being an overwhelming "fixer" (my usual mode, I've come to see) is a huge question in my mind.
thanks Ellie! yeah, quality time seems to be very close to the top, if not the top, of the list of his LL's. He almost sounded like a little kid when he asked if I was going to watch TV with him Friday night. And, last night I was out watering flowers and he actually sent S out to ask me if I was going to come watch a movie with him. I'm convinced that other top LL's are WOA and PT...heck, frankly I think he likes them all...AOS, gifts, Recreational companionship. hmmmmm. and yet he talks about needing space and time alone???? challenging and puzzling.
I'm kinda stumped about 180's right now. I know he needs something different....actually the sex thing worked well yester morning, when instead of just saying "ok" and letting it go when he had "problems", I "went after it". I think he was surprised and I have no doubt he enjoyed it. I polished my fingernails to go with my tight sweater, and even S noticed, and called it a "shock"....so maybe that would be a tiny thing. I've really got to think on 180's though.
I have to admit, the tight sweater worked better than i ever thought it would....I'm not sure what it is about that sweater, because I have other rib knit ones that don't do things the same way, but it makes my chest look huge. I may run by and see if they have it in more colors. I mean, talk about doing what works, that sweater worked 2 days in a row when he was bleary eyed from exhaustion. hmmmmm, that's a 180 from the days of minimizer bras and granny night gowns.
I actually wore a night gown to bed not to long ago, a long silk slinky one, because I'd gone to bed early to read, sometimes when I do that S will come in to say good night, and I've always thought it best to be clothed at such moments...anyway, I forgot to take it off and H actually asked about it, asked if I was "dissing" him with the nightgown. sheesh, kinda weird, but.....pretty telling, I guess. better move PT up on that LL list. Is it possible for someone to be so "hungry" for affection that all five are at the top of the list????
ah, I forgot to post earlier, I was thinking about WOA and remembered something else from yesterday morning. I called H a "Gorgeous Guy", I meant it sincerely, but he got so choked up I thought he was crying and he couldnt speak. He shook his head and said "no I'm not" and was visibly upset. My guess is that must have been one of ow's pet names for him, or else he is so disgusted with himself right now that he cant stand to hear that. which is a possibility, because in an email he sent today he commented that he didnt see himself as a "good/special" person right now.
Either way, obviously I need to lay off that for a while, adding to his distress even with "good stuff" is not the way to go.
Hi Deb - As someone who lived throught the numeorus 'this is the end' saga, I can tell you this stuff does happen over time. And there may be the odd contact in the future, just be prepared to consider it part of the closure process.
Totally agree with Ellie, there will be at least for the next year, moments when he is not 100% present, be strong enough to give him the space he needs. This is grief, and it is real to him.
For yourself, now more than ever you need a plan. Definitely more tight sweaters, but also more time for you. IT is so important to recharge your batteries.
Hi Slowly! You answered a question I was going to ask earlier and forgot to, which was how long this "weird stuff" would last.....so a year, perhaps? I guess that would not be at all surprising. I just hope and pray it really is over this time, however, the things he is telling me are different than what he has ever said before. this process of letting go just seems so strange to me. I think I can understand and handle some odd "contact"....it's the ongoing deceit and every Saturday morning spent with her while his own son misses him, the HOURS on the phone, that gets to me.
H never said definitively "I assure you the other relationship has been dealt with and is over for good this time" before, so I'm sure keeping my fingers crossed. that would be a huge thing for him to go back on though.
how many times did NG and the ow break up???? I remember when that was going on for you. How long has he been "done" with her? (I hope you don't mind me asking).
I know I've got to keep some "reserves" for me. I've been thinking today how "fried" I feel. I'm trying to find a way to up going to the fitness center to 4x week, and still working on the plans I made for being prepared to leave. which means I still need to get an appt with an attorney, just for the information to know how things work. I am totally clueless. still planning the golf lessons, etc., I actually did find a martial arts studio owned and ran by a chiropractor, so that feels like it might be a little more reputable than some of the ones around town I've looked into. They were kinda scary!
Just had an email from H that he had a lot of no-shows today so had to much time to think on his hands and is feeling blue, that being busy helps him to keep his mind off the situation, but that the good thing was he got a lot of work done he should have done on saturday.
The whole thing strikes terror into my heart, because this is what has always happened before, he is so blue he cant stand it, the "work on saturday"...and he is running right back to her.
Is there ANYTHING I could try to help ease his grief and depression? and how do I deal with my terror? just his mention of "work" and "Saturday" in the same sentence absolutely sends me off the deep end.
oh man, I am as big a mess today as I've ever been, I also wonder if I should just throw in the towel. I really need some input/insight, clues as to what to do next.
Last night when H got home, he was "ok"...said he was going to walk, and walked for a good 2.5 hours. he got home about 9:30, & I asked how his walk was. he shook his head and started crying. I said I was sorry he was feeling so bad, and he sat down at the table and started to tell me a lot of stuff. for the next 2.5 hours, even after we went to bed, he told me a lot of stuff. stuff that was really hard to hear.
He told me how he worries about ow's horrible health problems, how he doesnt know what she will do with out him there to do things, what a bright kid her D is and how he worries about her D. How smart ow is, how she was first in her class at nursing school. how he'd been glad she went on his fall vacation with him a year ago that I gave him as a christmas gift. That he bought her contacts after her dog ate hers....that he's been lying all along, that they've only been apart about 2 weeks in this whole time.I told him, yes, I knew that. that he feels like we never knew each other well enough when we got married. that they finally were able to have a long talk without getting angry at each other yesterday....the kind we have. that she's a lot like I am, likes the same kinds of things, always has projects going. That we'd probably get along great together. That he'd been waiting for one of us to throw him out, that he doesnt see how either of us can stand him. Through all this, I managed to listen and validate, I kept telling myself "be his friend, just listen, just listen.
When we went to bed the discussion continued, he was telling me how he took her places and how he just loves it because she gets so excited, like a little kid. How she would sometimes drive over to his out of town office on Saturday and they'd go have lunch. How she gave up everything to sit and wait for him. how I needed to be nice to her for sending him back, how she's going to write me an apology letter and he thinks she's gone to confession and he needs to go also. That she said to tell me she's not a sexual abuse victim (I'd asked about that) How she said that nothing had ever devastated her a much as the emails from me to him that she read, not even her divorce had hurt so badly. I asked why those hurt her so, and he said because I would never give him up.
I asked him why he changed to going to her place in the mornings instead of the evenings, he said because he was missing going to church, that he hadnt been going. told him yep, I knew that.
somewhere in the middle of this, I lost it. big time. I don't even remember what i said. i think I cried more than yelled. We wound up ML, and it was a sleepless night for me, I think for h as well.
This morning I asked if he is still calling her when his alarm went off. he said "no". I asked if he intends to go back with her within 2 weeks like always before, he said he didnt think she would let him. I said I didnt believe for a minute that she wouldnt take him back in an instant, that it's all a grandstand show.
He said she believes god brought them together, and I lost it at that, I had to mention the bibles comments on the "fruits of the spirit". He said we would be together, that is what god wants, he doesnt want our family ripped apart, that he "needs to learn to love me"...I'm afraid I lost it at that too.
I was po'd, told him I was sick of hearing about how great she was and how her health problems were so much worse than anybody elses...and what kind of a person would use that as a hook to break up a family anyway. that made him mad, he said they werent any worse, and that wasnt what he meant....I threw back up at him what he'd said the night before about worrying about what she'll do...he said "I guess she'll just have to be creative, wont she"...H said he had needed my support but he'd been a fool to think I could give it, that he would never talk to me about this stuff again, that it was to close for me. uh, yeah. I do need to talk to about it. It's just incredibly painful. He did kiss me goodbye, but I don't think there were any ILY's on either side.
the hated all staff meeting was this morning, I walked in the door with 1 person between ow and I...H was already there, I looked at him and saw him looking at me with kind of big eyes, I don't know if I looked that much like hell or if he thought I was going to take her apart. I was the second person out the door from the meeting, and just after I got out the door, I looked and saw that H was beside me. He must have had to hurry to get there, because he was a couple of tables away. I looked at him, and he looked at me and said "what"....I whispered, "I still do LY, that's all" and walked off.
I sent him a short email...saying that I wish things were different and had gone differently this morning...he emailed back that he feels like crap, hopes he can make it till 8 tonight, that we can talk to night or maybe just resting is a better idea.
I don't know what to think. have I blown it? Am I a fool for even thinking it's possible to come out with this? I am numb and exhausted and confused. Have any of you ever heard of this kind of stuff?????? even more, I wonder, has anyone ever made it through?
I need to get an appt made with the attorney, I havent done that yet.
help........................I really feel ill. maybe that would count for something if I was the ow.
I'm sure they're having nice little tete a tetes all day long.
Deb, this has got to be devastating to you again! I'm sorry. I'm wondering what would happen if you chose to see this as part of his grieving process. All those wonderful things he thinks about her will fade over time. He seems to be still committed to working on your M. He trusted you enough to share a lot of stuff with you that he's been holding in. I wonder if that may have given him some relief. How about if you give it 24 hours and then decide what you want to do for you? You let some stuff out too--try to be done with that now. Just watch from a safe distance and see what he does next. Don't hand him your heart just yet. Just watch but keep moving on with your life. I could be totally wrong, but it seems he is trying. Unfortunately he does care about her so of course he would be worried about her. I would hate that too but those are his feelings and there isn't anything you can do to change them. Can you get out tonight? Go out to a movie or visit a friend? Time out for you? I'm sorry Deb, I might not be much help here but I'm feeling your pain and hoping it passes soon.
