Deb - stick to the high road BUT if the topic comes up again (by H) about her possibly being vindictive or wacky, you COULD mention to him how she used to do cruel things to you like constantly park her car next to you on purpose with the Valentine's Bear he gave her prominently displayed on her dashboard.
thanks Ellie...I know, I was taken aback as well by her demanding to see his emails to the person he has been married to for 1/4 of a century!!!!!!!!! I didnt respond other than pretty noncommitally (sp?) to say "huh", and I don't intend to respond. I'm sure he has fed her some poor me stuff, and I know from seeing her correspondence to him that she has worked HARD to plant those seeds in his mind as well.
and for her to demand that he hang by the phone during lunch breaks, etc.????? (I'm inferring that from his email, of course, but I'm betting it's pretty on target). I mean, how can you expect anyone to live their life that way???????
I am going to stop on the way home at bath and body and pick up an aroma therapy oil combo I've liked and not gotten. H likes some of those. hmmmmmmm, there is also a candle scent he likes at a "throw back" (head shop?) cd store here in town. I use lots of candles, but maybe I can run by and grab a couple of those. I picked up "Diamonds and Rust", an old Joan Baez cd, (yes I know we are really old) that he asked for a couple of weeks ago, but I havent given it to him yet. maybe i'll try to put that on before he gets home tonite. hmmmmmmmm
I got a sitter for Friday, so I am going to ride along to the workshop with him, it will give us about 6 hours together, just to chat and listen to music as "friends"...no great expectations, but it will be a change of pace for me (might drive the ow over the edge too, darn)...I'm going to take along a book I've been trying to read...actually a novel for fun...and hang out in the park, I can mozy downtown and snoop through the antique shops and meet h for lunch. If we even have a civil day, which I certainly expect, it will be a nice change of pace and scenery for me.
I havent gotten to Vicky S's yet, intend to...I did stop by a store on the way back from a lunch meeting and got some black capris and a snug hot pink ribbed sweater with a low neck (I'm going for boobs here, H likes em, I've got em, ow doesnt ) I also picked up a couple conservative overblouses I can throw on like a jacket, gonna dig out my fake tanning lotion and get that on....now if I can just lose 30 pounds by Friday. sigh. i'm going for a spicy but classy look, don't want to look like a tramp, but don't want to be boring........
Interesting you should mention "act as if"...I walked around the house last night trying to focus and telling myself "act as if" "act as if"
Deb: I will pray for H will all my might!!!!!! Have you made arrangements for Son so you can go with him on Friday? If she is pissed he wont want to be with her on her birthday now. Take advantage. Can you suggest making it a weekend away just to be in a calm and peaceful place and just BE? He words sound almost like he is relieved. Keep up all your good work. Stay calm and focused and let him see your love. No anger or fits to cloud it all up.
Hi Debra. I've appreciated your support so much. I've gotta get an email off to you to check up on you!
I've thought alot about whether or not I should go with him on Friday, and i can handle it. I'm frankly looking forward to some "goof-off time" on my own...no parenting or wifely or work stuff to worry about, just...goofing off. i can just sit in the park and watch the birds all day if I want. READ for FUN! dig through all the little junk stores that bore H speechless. If we fought all the way there and back, which we won't , it would still be worth it.
yeah, I've been working on not worrying now about letting him know what I know, although I'm cautious to not play every hand at once. Evidently when ow read my emails yesterday, she was upset about something I said about her...I made reference to the stuff she emails him about and her bday on Saturday, and evidently it really stirred up her nutsyness. H said she made some comment, and he told her I'm not dumb, that I know alot and pick up on a lot, and that he's told her that before & it always gets her upset, then she accuses him of sticking up for ME....man, the more I type this the more wacko I think that b--ch is.
I would be willing to go to the priest with H, I don't know if he would. I am thinking that if we can kinda get rolling, I may see if H wont go to a Retrouvaille or Marriage Encounter weekend, he may be more amenable to one of those as they are more "private". I think either would help us.
I worry big time about the waffling, BUT if ow starts pitching fits, I think it will help him. maybe I need to pray for her to do just that!!!!! let her show her true colors. H HATES conflict and he hates drama and he has a hard time with change.
Actually, the town we'll be going to Friday would be a top choice for us to move to if we decided to. it maybe something we could discuss. It's where he went to grad school and D and SIL went to undergrad, and we all really like it. higher cost of living, though...
Hi Mollie, thanks, you make some really good points here. I was talking about letting go of the sitch, but H took it to mean of him, and it didnt get a good response at all. of course he was probably pretty sensitive to that after the weekend.
He did apologize, quite tearfully, last weekend, for the "mess he's made"...the priest talked about the self-hatred that has to be consuming him right now, so I think you're right that it's going to be really important to not whap him over the head with that, but to be a steadfast friend. boy, that is going to be a challenge at times.
great words of wisdom:
Quote: I believe one of the things that got my H back to me was to forgive and move on. I don't talk about the past and even though it was a hurtful time, I don't need to go over it and remind him what an A$$ he was. I know he appreciates it.
I'm going to try to be focused on this and ready to move on if I need to at the same time, if that makes any sense. I can see what a challenge it will be. wow. still one minute at a time is the only way to deal with it I think.
Well considering the price you have paid by living in the town you are in, I think you could handle it!!!!! Plus new jobs would do you both a world of good.
You sound good.
I have my fingers and toes crossed and I have talked to God twice and will keep it up.
I am so proud of you!!!!!!!! Regardless of the outcome.
Quote: 4) DON'T bring up the OW's birthday or her present again. If HE brings it up, just say "look, I'm sorry I brought that up, I really don't think we should talk about it now. I KNOW you are ending things with her and I trust you to get it done without hurting me any more". (Wording here is VERY important - you KNOW he is ENDING things (ACT AS IF) and you TRUST him to get it DONE without HURTING YOU MORE (which reminds him that OW's feelings are not the only ones that have been hurt)).
Ellie, I'm going to print this off to try to keep the words on the tip of my tongue, and the info about the journal. I'm not sure I will bring it up, but I will clarify it if it comes up. It hadnt occured to me that he would take it that I was writing stuff to get at him with, but of course he would, that makes sense.
and, Dawn, yep, you're so right about needing to let go of "baiting him"........I'll admit I do that every now and then.
I did get some antibiotic yesterday, and weirdly enough I believe they've helped in 24 hours. I just got samples, I have to check back w/dr. tomorrow to see if its what the culture indicates is needed, but I'm thinking it must be since i feel better pretty rapidly.
) I also picked up a couple conservative overblouses I can throw on like a jacket, gonna dig out my fake tanning lotion and get that on....now if I can just lose 30 pounds by Friday. sigh. i'm going for a spicy but classy look, don't want to look like a tramp, but don't want to be boring........