Time for a new thread, and it seems like these days I'm struggling to translate vague notions into specific actions and behaviours - please join me on this part of my journey to dig deeper, and find the courage to be specific.
Slowly, thanks for the WOA! I want to clarify something -- let's say NG is a Quality Time Guy. And, for him, QT involves you sitting on the couch with him, watching Tiger Woods whack a little white ball, with a huge bowl of Cheetos thrown in for good measure. Yay! You know what QT means to him! It's OK to say, "NG, I am so glad we are going to have X-amount of time to sit on the couch watching Tiger Woods! I'm psyched! But at 2pm I have to (clip my toenails, get a root canal, launder the cat). Is it OK with you if I miss the last (excruciating) hour of the tournament?" If he, Full Love Tank Guy, thanks to you, says, "Sure, honey!" Yay, again! If he says, petulantly, "But the end is the best part!" you'll know he needs to have a little more QT than you expected.
How's that sound in terms of being specific?
Your pal (who needs to update her own darn thread), -- Michele
I want to thank you for stopping in and offering me encouragement on my thread. I do appreciate your support.
I haven't completely read through your thread yet, so I really don't have anything to say other than thanks and to offer you my support. I plan to read up on your situation later tonight.
Quote: I want to ask… you think something is missing, and it just isn’t “so” in your R, but….. is it possible that you have some disquiet in YOU that you need to address, an anxiety over something that may be totally unrelated to him, but it is a bit easier to pin on the R than deal with what is inside you? That is a total stab in the dark, but I do that sometimes, and wanted to see if you are too.
No doubt about it! I'm good at running away from myself, and framing my problems in the context of the R has helped get to them, albeit in a roundabout way. Give me time, I'm sure we'll get to the real issue soon enough
Seriously, I think there are still control issues for me to work through. Things are not panning out exactly as I want them to, and therein lies the struggle. Letting go seems to happen for me in stages.
KMP here, just trying to return the great feedback you've been giving me in my thread.
I don't know enough of your background to give much advice, and as a newcomer I'm simply a novice at this. Have you tried the phone coaching? I did 1 session and it helped tremendously, I have another scheduled today.
Also, I've mentioned CODA for codependents. Don't know if you know anything about it, nor do I have any idea whether you fit the traits, but it's helped me try to identify my behaviors and to try to work on specific solutions. I've just started that in the past month. Check out my thread - "Here's where I'm starting my DB journey"
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
I'm betting you are really onto something here with this line of thinking... because isn't this true about lots of R issues? How we frame them is a big part of how we feel about them and how we act around them!
Quote: I want to ask… you think something is missing, and it just isn’t “so” in your R, but….. is it possible that you have some disquiet in YOU that you need to address, an anxiety over something that may be totally unrelated to him, but it is a bit easier to pin on the R than deal with what is inside you?
If I had to sleuth out one big cause of what happened in my M it is the above on my XH's part. And my response for a long time (and admittedly even now once in a while) is this stuff:
Quote: Seriously, I think there are still control issues for me to work through. Things are not panning out exactly as I want them to, and therein lies the struggle. Letting go seems to happen for me in stages.
My experience is-- and this may not at all resonate for you, or it might-- that when it's ME having a disquiet inside me and projecting it on the R, I still tend to want to have the control over it. So I think asking the question--what part of this is about me and what needs I have, is a really valid one.
Learning to just let go does come in stages for me as well. And as it comes, so does more ability and interest to look at what's going on with myself versus "what's wrong with" XH's behavior. I think this works equally well for working to improve things during reconcilation and for when (in my case, not recommending to you!) as letting go when continuing to work on the R isn't the choice you need to make for yourself.
Wonder - Thanks so much for the validation, like most self-discoveries, it is good to know I'm not alone
Quote: So I think asking the question--what part of this is about me and what needs I have, is a really valid one.
Yes, and I really, really need to get my stuff out here to be able to process properly, it seems. Being honest with myself feels like a luxury, even now. For so much of my life, doing the next indicated seemed to be what I was all about - so being forced to pause and reflect still feels a little strange. Good, but strange.
Slowly
Slowly