H decided to go to Oregon and help out a business acquaintance with some door to door sales. He's been talking about this for the past couple of weeks but was undecided. H is going to be paid $150 per sale. He said he wants to make at least $500 over the next 2 days, and he'll be back by Tuesday night at the latest. H said if he didn't go then he'd be tempted to go play cards every night. Can't argue with that .
H said when he gets back, he'll have another week and a half or so off before he has to go back to work. He hasn't said where the next show is yet. H said he'll be "spending all that time with the boys".......Oh well.
H was getting ready to leave and came to me for a hug. An empty one. I said, "You call that a hug?" H said, "No. I'm sorry. I was just..." but then he gave me another one that was a little nicer, but I don't know. It felt "forced" since I said something about the first one. H also gave me a kiss on the forehead.
As he was leaving, H was talking to me about (bf) going with him to Oregon.....Great -- H will be out for 2 nights drinking since (bf) loves going to bars and picking up on women . I should be able to get through this though.
H was also telling me a little about his convo with one of our neighbors yesterday when H went outside to drink. He said XXX irritated him and (bf) about H's car (he bought an older Jaguar the other day) and about (bf)'s Harley. H said they just shrugged it off, but what really bothered him was when H mentioned to XXX that he would be gone for a couple of days to Oregon. H said XXX said, "You're gone all the time, man! I'm surprised your wife hasn't divorced you yet!" H didn't say what his reply was if he had one at all.
Well anyway, tomorrow I'm probably going to visit my sister who lives about an hour away from us. Then on Monday, MIL and I are taking the kids to the festival downtown. Should be a fun, relaxing, and quiet couple of days without H....???
I won't be calling him either. I'll leave that to H although I don't expect him to.
I hope everyone's enjoying their weekend!
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Today was probably one of the best days I've had in awhile . No mood swings, no tension, no nothing to face. Just a really nice day .
The boys and I went to my sister's house for the day. We had lots of fun! We had a barbecue, went swimming, the kids ran around with their cousins, and the baby got lots of attention from everyone there which meant Mommy's arms and hip were free all day ! I live for such days !
H called last night around 10:30pm or so. He was driving while (bf) was sleeping. H did most of the chatting with me listening. He basically just wanted to say "hi" and said he would either call me later last night or wait until today. Before we said "bye", H said "ILY". I told him the same.
He didn't call back last night -- I wasn't expecting him to anyway. He did call about an hour and a half ago though. It's been a long day for him. H, (bf), and another guy have been going door to door all day and haven't done too well (duh! It's a holiday weekend ! That's why no one's home.). H had sold 2 and (bf) sold 1. He's feeling discouraged, but he wants to sell at least 3 more deals. H said he's waiving the activation fee of $50 to get people to sign up, therefore he's only making $100 per deal. AND these people have to get approved and installed before he can get paid for them. I hope it all works out for H otherwise he'll be REALLY p*ssed about having gone all that way for nothing .
H said he was feeling like he was "out of it". Like he couldn't function. I asked if he had eaten anything (many times he'll go all day without eating especially when he's working). He said yes. He and (bf) ate some chinese food for lunch, and H immediately threw in, "I kept it all in, too, in case you're wondering. I told you I'm not doing that anymore." I said, "Ok...I wasn't thinking about that, but I'm glad anyway. That's good." Then H said, ".....I don't know.....Maybe I AM depressed." I asked, "About?" H said, "About everything. I want to make at least $500 out here before I leave....Maybe I'll just come home tonight. I don't know." I said, "Well, I'm sure not getting as many sales as you'd like is playing a part in it." H said, "Yeah, definitely......Well, it's still early, so I'm heading back out. I'll call you later. Tell the boys hi for me and tell them I love them." I said I would then we said goodbye.
So...tomorrow should be another great day filled with lots of FUN ! We're going to the annual festival. The kids love playing games and going on the rides ! Mmmmm....I can already smell all the yummy food ! Too bad H will be missing out.
Thanks for listening. Enjoy the holiday !
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hello JV. I've just finished a reply to you on my thread
I have to say that I LOVE this quote. It definitely works with DB/DR.
As for your thread I wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so incredibly hard especially when you have kids and a baby to boot! Take very good care of yourself and watch for signs of postpartum depression. I've only come to the realization that I was more than likely suffering from it after S2. So many things to juggle!!!
I hope everything sorts itself - you're working hard and it shows. Also, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but BE CAREFUL. You'll be in my thoughts.
I have been reading your posts and keeping up but not replying.
I honestly don't know what else to add. You are in my thoughts and prayers, though. You are fighting such a hard fight here with your H. Keep being strong.
JV......I am glad you got out there and had fun!! You deserve it.
I would do just as you said and NOT call him while he's gone. I would just keep giving him space. If he asks because he notices you asre being distant then tell him your tired of this roller coaster ride. Let him know your giving him space to sort out whatever he needs to sort out in his head. Maybe you could tell him to get back to you when he finally knows what he wants without any doubt what so ever??
I worry for you because he is so out there mentally right now. You are trying to help him and be strong in dealing with him so out there. But this also has to be taking a toll on you. I know he blames you a lot which hurts you and makes you feel like crap. I think he is just placing blame and lashing out because he has mental issues going on. If he is able to place blame then he thinks he has the answers to his probelsm instead of looking where the real probelsm lie which is right within himself. But that would be to scary for him because then he would have to deal with his problems and face then instead of the blame game.
If he says his time back home will be spent with the boys tell him great! Just try to distance yourself as much as possible. Maybe you could even arrange for you to take a weekend alone with just yourself.
Scottisheart, Sherry, and cally -- Thank you for dropping in. I'm deeply grateful and appreciative for your thoughts and concerns. I know there's not too many here who feel that they know what to say about this sitch I'm in, but just the fact that people stop by to show their care and concern means the world to me. Thank you again.
Quote: JV......I am glad you got out there and had fun!! You deserve it.
Me too!!! I REALLY needed it! Yesterday the boys, MIL, and I went to the annual festival, and we had a BLAST ! The boys really had a great time and that makes me so happy !
Quote: I would do just as you said and NOT call him while he's gone. I would just keep giving him space. If he asks because he notices you asre being distant then tell him your tired of this roller coaster ride. Let him know your giving him space to sort out whatever he needs to sort out in his head.
I agree. I grabbed my copy of DR last night and read the section "Dealing with a Depressed Spouse". I need to stop doing what I've been doing. I need to stop trying to talk H into getting better and just GAL of my own. I need to praise H when he does positive things (when he's in a good mood), and I can't make any references as to H being "depressed". Instead I should use "moody" or "down in the dumps". And yes, if he were to ask "why aren't you on me about this anymore?", it would be ok for me to tell him that I've decided to stop pushing him to change and/or get better. So I will do this from now on and we'll see how it all goes.
Quote: Maybe you could tell him to get back to you when he finally knows what he wants without any doubt what so ever??
Hmmm.....I'm really not sure about that. H could possibly perceive this as me pressuring him again for a decision.
While reading the depression section last night, it hit a lot of notes with me. I'm taking a stab here -- basically when H is "moody", and he brings up wishing that I would leave him, it's most likely because, yes, he IS depressed, and when he's like this, he is thinking of only the bad things that have gone on in his life. When H thinks of the stuff he considers to be bad and I was involved with it somehow, this is where the blaming comes in. When playing the blame game, he can't see how he played a role in it, too. IOW, H's way of thinking has become very distorted.
So like I wrote above, I have to back off and leave him alone when he's moody, and when he's not, praise him for the good thing(s) he may have done on that day.
Quote: You are trying to help him and be strong in dealing with him so out there. But this also has to be taking a toll on you.
Yes it sure has. This is why it's so important for me to get back to GAL. When H is home, many times I find myself waiting to hear, "JV, why don't you go out and do something for yourself and I'll watch the boys." But it doesn't happen -- it used to several years back, but when H took on this last job, it stopped because he's never here. When he is here, he's still so busy running around doing things.
Quote: If he says his time back home will be spent with the boys tell him great! Just try to distance yourself as much as possible. Maybe you could even arrange for you to take a weekend alone with just yourself.
A weekend alone by MYSELF??!! Is that even possible??!! I think the closest I'll ever be to that is in my dreams !
I'm only kidding ! Sometimes my parents will take the boys for the weekend even with H away on business. It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, I "veg" out for half a day (hey! I deserve it since I'm running around like crazy everyday with 3 boys ), and I go do things I enjoy the rest of the time. Mostly shopping or even just window-shopping. Very relaxing for me.
-------------------------
Well, H should be back some time today.
Like I said, the boys, MIL, and I had a fun time at the festival. After that, we went back to MIL's place for a barbecue (yum! ). SIL and H's grandparents were there also.
We got home around 6pm, and the phone rang right when we walked in. It was H, and he was "moody". He only made 1 sale for the day .
We chatted for a bit then H said, "(long pause).....I just want everything to be right." I said in a matter-of-fact tone, "So do I." Kind of a 180 (???) on my part seeing how I would usually tell H I was sorry he was feeling down again. Well I think he was stunned by this (maybe, maybe not). After that he said, "Why does your voice sound weird?" I said, "Weird?" H said this like he was worried. About what? I don't know. Maybe my matter-of-fact tone had him think that I'm getting tired of all that's going on ( )?
Anyhow, the baby started fussing, so I told H I had to go. H said "ILY", and I said "ILY, too" with that same matter-of-fact tone.
I'd like to take the boys to the zoo this weekend. We haven't gone in a few years, and I know they use to really enjoy this. I'm going to see if my parents will watch the baby (it would be too long of a day for him to be out there especially in the heat), and I'll tell H he's welcome to join us and again leave it at that.
Oh! BTW, when I told H that we went to Fiesta Days (the festival), he said, "You did?... Is it still going to be there?" I told him yesterday was the last day for it. Then H said, "Really?....We'll have to go next year." That sounds like a positive to me.
Thanks for listening.
JV
PS -- Scottisheart, if you're reading this, I read your post to my reply on your thread, and I will respond later tonight, ok? It's almost time for S5 to get out of kindergarten.
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H called about an hour ago and said he was getting ready to leave Oregon, so he should be home around 10pm or so.
H said he was going to take the boys to visit his grandmother tomorrow. H said MIL has been calling him and leaving messages (which have irritated him) telling him to do so since his grandmother has been "griping ( )" about not seeing the kids enough.
Anyhow, H asked, "If we go, are you going to go, too?" I told H if he wanted me to, I would. Then he said ok.
I think this is another small plus seeing that H didn't feel like doing the "family thing" (being together as a family) back during Easter. Hmmm.....maybe, maybe not.
Gotta go get S9 now.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
.
. I should be able to get through this though.
.
! I live for such days 
! That's why no one's home.). H had sold 2 and (bf) sold 1. He's feeling discouraged, but he wants to sell at least 3 more deals. H said he's waiving the activation fee of $50 to get people to sign up, therefore he's only making $100 per deal. AND these people have to get approved and installed before he can get paid for them. I hope it all works out for H otherwise he'll be REALLY p*ssed about having gone all that way for nothing 
.
! We're going to the annual festival. The kids love playing games and going on the rides 
A weekend alone by MYSELF??!! Is that even possible??!!