S5 stayed home from school today -- poor little guy woke up with a tummyache this morning. He's feeling a bit better now, and H just stepped out to get him some more Pedialyte.
My trip to the vitamin store and bookstore will have to wait another day unless H is willing to stay with S5.
Heard some complaints from H last night so I've got more work to do .
H got home early from the tournament; he was knocked out 60th or something. Anyway, a few moments after he got here, H said, "Aren't you happy to see me?" Remember -- I was in my own mood yesterday . I told H yes then he said, "Then why aren't you ever waiting to give me a hug when I walk in the door? You do when I'm gone for awhile, but I want one every time I walk in, alright?" I said alright and I was sorry. Then H blew up and said, "STOP TELLING ME YOU'RE SORRY! You have nothing to be sorry about! I'm the only one who needs to be sorry for anything. If you slap me across my face, then you can tell me you're sorry, but other than that, I don't want to hear it ever again!" I felt like saying, "Ok, sorry." , but.......yeah, I was a bit irritable yesterday.
Well, H decided to go to the gym, and when he came back, he was sweating profusely. We were talking for a bit while H was laying on the floor. He asked for me to help him up so he could go take a shower. I did then he grabbed me to hug me and wipe his sweat all over me. I know he was being playful; he's done this many times. So I playfully said, "EEWWW!", but H did not like that. He exploded again and said, "Forget you then! You act like I'm diseased or something!" I said, "H, I was only kidding!" H said while walking to the bedroom, "Whatever. If you just got done working out for an hour and were all sweaty, I'd be all over you. I'd think it was sexy, and it would turn me on, but I guess I don't turn you on."
I am so afraid to even look at him or say anything to him anymore because he just might find something else to come down on me for. In fact, I was really quiet again last night after his shower. When he asked me something, I kept my answers short with a yes or no or I don't know. H, of course, said, "What is wrong with YOU? Will you talk to me please? I hate it when you're so damn quiet all the time. It makes me think you're mad at me."
I think I am. Or maybe I'm just in some kind of funk right now.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Maybe that was the wrong thing for me to suggest. I guess I was just thinking he seems to mention A LOT that all his unhappiness is because he was pushed to have this family that he didn't want. He seems to place all the blame on you. To try and make you feel like utter crap. In my opinion maybe if you gave him exactly what he keeps saying he wants it may make him realize how valuable you are. I honestly feel you husband has got a lot of mental issues going on. You mentioned before he said he has panic attacks while he is away. Anxiety is very hard to deal with. His reaction to the physchiatrist is typical of someone suffering from depression or anxiety disorder. They are afraid the doc will tell them they are crazy. Which is most often times their worst fear.
Good for you that you talked to him the other day and got a lot out. I think he is also showing he does have a gambling problem. Wasn't it last week he told you if you let him go one more night that he would only go once this week. Hasn't it been 3 times he will go this week? Then he blows up last week and tells you that he wouldn't have lost it if you would have just let him go. what is the point of making a compromise if you can't or won't stick to it.
He also seems very insecure of himself. To react that way just because he was sweaty. That would have grossed a lot of people out. it just seems like he is this walking time bomb. I can understand why you feel you are on egg shells. Maybe you could just try getting out more and giving him his space to work out in his head whatever it is he has going on. But honestly JV I would keep gently asking him to see even a doctor and at least let just a normal doctor check him out or possibly get him on something. He seems like he is ready to explode by what you are saying. I had an aunt who said she thought about killing herself and she did this on x-mas eve and carried out the act and died. So always take the threat of this serious. Do you think he would be willing to see a doctor. Also he needs to tell a doctor about the eating disorder. Maybe they could check him out for that to and make sure all is healthy or see what kind of damage has been done.
Quote: ...I guess I was just thinking he seems to mention A LOT that all his unhappiness is because he was pushed to have this family that he didn't want. He seems to place all the blame on you. To try and make you feel like utter crap.
I couldn't agree with you more.......He does make me feel this way. Am I just so blinded by my love for him that I make myself deal with it out of fear of losing him? Fear of being a single mother with 3 boys? Fear of being alone? Many times I look in the mirror and think, "Who is going to want me? I'm used goods -- a woman with 3 children." I am afraid of the thought of having to start all over by myself.
I don't understand how H can be away (or even when he first gets home), calls me and tells me he's so sorry, that he doesn't want to lose me and is going to do whatever it takes to make me happy......and you know what? It makes me happy to hear it, really happy, and that's when I feel hopeful. But then after a few days, it's back to him seemingly acting like he does not want to be here. He wants to drink, or go play poker, or he's just out and about all day.
H wants what he wants when he wants it -- when is it my turn? When do I get to have what I want just once? According to H, I got 3 kids. That's what I wanted, so I should be happy.
I do feel like crap. He is so negative everyday unless something positive happened for him. If he got to play poker, if he had some drinks, if he wasn't bothered by anyone or anything. This is why I find myself keeping my distance from him when he actually is here, but then he complains that I'm too quiet. "No, H. I'm quiet because I'm afraid to get on your bad side -- again."
Quote: In my opinion maybe if you gave him exactly what he keeps saying he wants it may make him realize how valuable you are.
At this point, I think if I did this, he might actually be relieved. He's said it so many times. After some time, he might have second thoughts, but I doubt it. I think H would really enjoy his "freedom" so to speak. My god -- I feel like I am such a burden on him. This is how he makes me feel. He can be so loving one minute, and then the next just miserable to be here in this house.
Quote: Anxiety is very hard to deal with. His reaction to the physchiatrist is typical of someone suffering from depression or anxiety disorder. They are afraid the doc will tell them they are crazy. Which is most often times their worst fear.
Yes, this is exactly why he won't go. He's said this so many times.
Quote: Good for you that you talked to him the other day and got a lot out. I think he is also showing he does have a gambling problem. Wasn't it last week he told you if you let him go one more night that he would only go once this week. Hasn't it been 3 times he will go this week? Then he blows up last week and tells you that he wouldn't have lost it if you would have just let him go. what is the point of making a compromise if you can't or won't stick to it.
Thanks. It may have not been good DBing, but it did feel good to get it out.
The compromise -- I had forgotten he said he would only go once this week, but even if I did remember, it probably would've caused another outburst from him. I'm probably ASSuming, but I don't think so. He HAS only gone twice this week though, so....
Quote: He also seems very insecure of himself. To react that way just because he was sweaty. That would have grossed a lot of people out. it just seems like he is this walking time bomb. I can understand why you feel you are on egg shells. Maybe you could just try getting out more and giving him his space to work out in his head whatever it is he has going on.
I think he's insecure, too. Probably because he was overweight for so long, and I'm sure the bulimia is playing a part in it also.
I DO need to get out more -- a LOT more for my own mental health. I've actually got a couple things planned WITHOUT H over the next few days that he doesn't know about. I used a lot of mystery to get him to come back to me, but I stopped once he did. I've got to keep moving on for me and my boys. If H wants to be a part of it, nice. If not, oh well. What can I do? Maybe it'll wake him up again.
Quote: But honestly JV I would keep gently asking him to see even a doctor and at least let just a normal doctor check him out or possibly get him on something. He seems like he is ready to explode by what you are saying.
If I do ask him again, he WILL explode. He wants me to leave him alone. He'll take the vitamins I want him to take but that's it -- nothing more. He won't even go to his doctor or any other doctor to get checked out for anything.
Quote: I had an aunt who said she thought about killing herself and she did this on x-mas eve and carried out the act and died. So always take the threat of this serious.
I am sorry to hear this, cally.
I do take it seriously. I got another reply from the depression forum where the poster mentioned the Baker Act (?). I'm going to check into it for more info, but the poster said it's about getting someone who refuses to be helped into it even without their consent. I don't know how that would go over between us, but.....I don't know. I just want H to get better.
Quote: How has he been around the kid's?
H has been really good with them. He's doing much more -- playing catch, going mini-golfing and/or bowling, to the park, etc. He doesn't take out any frustrations on them. H loves his boys and has said he wants to be a better father to them.
Thanks for stopping by, cally, and for your understanding. It does help so much.
-------------------------
Well as I noted earlier, I am going back to GAL for me and for the boys. H has been so downright negative (the depression's fault) that it is effecting me and my PMA.
MIL will be watching the baby later this afternoon so that I can take S9 and S5 to see "Madagascar". I also made plans with her to take the kids to the annual festival downtown on Monday. I haven't told H of my plans, and I don't intend to either. If he asks, I will tell him he is welcome to join us and I will leave it at that.
Small hopes but NO EXPECTATIONS.
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: I am afraid of the thought of having to start all over by myself.
JV,
I have this thought every day, even though I'm at the point now where I don't think we could ever get back together. In my mind I think about her coming back and I can't see how we could get back anything we had, like there's been too much damage done. It's not really a pride thing, it's just that the car has been hit so many times, the body shop can't fix it, it has to be totalled.
Getting back to your deal, I may not post here too often but I read your thread diligently (by the way, you win the "longest posts" prize ) and I hope I'm not out of line here but sometimes I get scared reading these. You know him, none of us out here in cyberspace do. However, please be careful. You alone with 3 boys and trying to figure it out (life) is a hell of a lot better that being in any kind of danger (or worse).
I am barely hanging on right now. I feel like I could very easily let go, too easily.
H is in one foul mood right now. He's depressed and on his first drink of the night.
I was playing on the computer, H was listening to his boss on his cell, sat next to me and said, "You really should leave me......Do you hear me? This is the last time I'm telling you. You should just leave me."
My eyes filled up with tears, but I held them there and said, "Is that what you really want? Do you really want me to leave you?" H said, "No, I'm just.....", and he got up and went outside with (bf) without finishing his sentence.
I'm so tired of this. I'm really tired and losing more and more hope each minute.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I know, I know. During Dec-Feb when I was at bottom, people would ask me how I was doing and I couldn't bring myself to say "Day to Day". I would say "Hour to Hour" because that was simply the truth.
You're feeling the same way right now and you've got to break the day down into small chunks and get through each of those chunks. Just remember always (go get in front of the mirror if you have to) that you're a better person and because of that, you'll get through this. Also, remember what I said in my last post, BE CAREFUL!! If you even get a small vibe that something ain't right, get you and the kids the hell out of there.
S9 and S5 are at MIL's for the night and the baby is in bed already.
H came back inside not too long after going outside. When he walked back in, he asked where the baby was then went into our room.
He took a shower (I heard the water running) and after some time had passed, he hadn't come out yet. So I went into the room just to be sure everything was ok, and H was laying on the bed.
From the time he went outside to the time I went into the room, I'd say it was about an hour or so later. I had been thinking and thinking and thinking about what I should do. Should I continue to keep quiet and give him more time? Or should I just give H what he wants?
I sat on the edge of the bed; H was laying there with his eyes closed. I sat there in silence for a few moments then finally said, "H?"....."H?".....He opened his eyes and asked where the kids were again, and I told him again. Then I said, "H, if you really want me to leave you, I will." H said with his eyes closed, "I just think you'd be better off without me." (I wanted to validate him or say "I don't think that", but he doesn't want to hear that kind of stuff -- he told me this.) It was quiet again for a few more moments, I felt he wasn't going to say anything else, so I said again, "If you really want me to leave you, I will." Then I got up and started walking out of the room and H said, "Yeah, go ahead and walk away. Thank you." I turned back around and said, "No. I don't want to walk away. Why do you think I'm still here? After all this time?....I think YOU want to be the one to walk away, but you just don't know how." H didn't say anything again, so I left the room. He's still in there.
If he really wants out, I'll let him go. If he really wants me to go, I will. I just don't have anymore fight left in me.
How can I feel this way, like I'm ready to give up, while he's so sick? I feel like I'm tired of everything yet I worry about actually leaving while he's like this.
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Have you asked him why he thinks you should leave? It seems as though h wants to tell you something specific...or maybe I'm just reading into your posts.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have asked H before why he feels this way, and his answer is always he thinks I could do better. I've told him a number of times that I don't see anything wrong with him or my life, that I have everything I've ever wanted -- a family, a home, etc, and most of all him. In the past, we used to often tell each other we believed we were soulmates, that we felt we were made for each other, that we couldn't imagine our lives without one another.
I always feel like there IS something else he wants to tell me when he gets this way, but I don't push for it.
Am I ASSuming there is something else? Or is it just the guilt? Does he think I should leave him because he's still keeping something from me? Could he still be talking to OW? OR could he still think about OW? Or does he find himself tempted to "stray" again? Or does he just not love me like he used to and he's afraid to say so?........I know, I know. Too many thoughts.
------------------------------
Well, H ended up passing out around 6 or 7pm last night. At about 11pm, I woke him up to see if he would move his car or I would do it for him; it was parked halfway in the garage, and I wanted to shut it. H got up and said he would move it.
Before he did, H said he was hungry and felt like having a shrimp burrito from a locally-owned mexican restaurant open 24 hours. He asked if I wanted anything, and I said no thanks.
When he got back, H sat down and said, "I'm sorry for being such an a**hole earlier. It's just that I was talking to (boss) before I got here, and I was fed up with his BS so I felt like drinking. I bought a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades and downed those before I got home, then I bought that tall can you saw me drink. I'm sorry. I just felt like drinking." I said, "If you want have a few drinks, I'm fine with that, but I would prefer you do it here instead of while you're on the road." H said, "You're right. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry." That was basically all that was said.
We watched a PayPerView movie, and after H finished eating, he laid his head on me. He rubbed my arms and legs a few times. I think I kind of patted his back once. I just didn't have much affection in me last night. At one point, H laid across the couch and asked me to lay with him. I did and we spooned. He kept rubbing his feet against mine. I only rubbed his arm a couple of times. Sorry, I just wasn't feeling it.
Later when we went to bed, H was being playful, but it was getting on my nerves although I didn't show it to him. I acted playful in return, we laughed a few times, then went to sleep. Actually I went to sleep first. I think H wanted more than playing, but it wasn't going to happen -- not for me.
This morning, H said he wanted to change in the boys' loose change. They've got about $400 in their coin jar. H said he's going to put in their savings. Before anyone has concerns, he WILL do this, ok?
I was talking on the phone with MIL. While she's talking to me and I'm listening, H comes up and starts asking me questions at the same time. I put my hand up to gesture "wait a sec" because I was trying to hear MIL, but he kept pushing, and I finally said, "Can you please wait til I'm off the phone?! I can't listen to 2 people at once!" H stormed off saying, "Don't talk to me like that!"
After that, H was getting ready to leave to pick up (bf) to ride with him while cashing in the boys' change. As he was leaving, H said "ILY" and I said alright.
He just called to tell me that after he cashes in, he's going to get a fuse replaced in his car for the antenna. He said it's stuck or something. He said he wanted to let me know so I'm not wondering why he's taking longer than he should. Now H is ASSuming . I really don't care if he's gone all day. It wouldn't be anything new.
I'm tempted to ask H again if he still thinks I should leave him.....I just want a break from all of this for more than a couple of days at a time.
Thanks for listening.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
.
, but.......yeah, I was a bit irritable yesterday.
) and I hope I'm not out of line here but sometimes I get scared reading these. You know him, none of us out here in cyberspace do. However, please be careful. You alone with 3 boys and trying to figure it out (life) is a hell of a lot better that being in any kind of danger (or worse).