Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

I'm going through a VERY difficult trust issue right now .....

H just left to pick up S9 from school. Before that, H said, "I wanted to go to the mall and get a new band...(H lost his wedding band while in AZ the last time )...and I want to take (baby) if you're alright with that." I said ok.

Then within seconds, I begin thinking, "Oh god .....What if H just "happens" to run into OW seeing that she works there??? What if they say "hi" and OW sees my baby and TOUCHES him saying "Oh he's so cute!"??? What if H just wants to see OW???"

Trying to hold it all together, I asked H, "How about if (baby) and I both go with you? Would that be alright?" H said, "Alright," but then after a short moment, he said, "Well....I was kind of thinking this could be some alone time for me and him....but if you want to come....that's fine." I don't know, but H sounded a bit discouraged .

After that, H was doing some paperwork and talking to a co-worker on the phone. He was very moody and quiet.

How do I get through this? H has never wanted to have "alone time" with the baby or take him anywhere before, and I'm just feeling really insecure right now that H wanted to go to the mall. OW works there, and I can't bear the thought of OW possibly seeing my H still and even more so with one of our boys -- and with the one that can't talk or blab anything no less.



JV

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Sherry. I do the same many times -- checking in on everyone but not always posting.

Things are going really good over here.

---------------------

Well, I've settled down quite a bit from my insecurity. I was just thinking a moment ago that tomorrow is our anniversary, and what if H only wanted to go to the mall to get me something?

I still have no expectations about tomorrow, but I am on my way out now to get H a card.

Hoping but not expecting.

JV

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Wheeewww....one very tough day today , but I think we made it through ok .

My insecurity, anxiety, and ASSumptions got the better of me this late afternoon. I tried, I REALLY tried to put a reign on them but to no avail. I was a mess on the inside and trembling on the outside.

When H returned home from running errands, I asked if he still wanted to go shopping. H said, "Ummm...no. I'll go later."

Here's where my BAD feelings completely take over . I'm thinking, "H doesn't want to go shopping now because I asked to go, too. He doesn't want to go to the mall ESPECIALLY with ME in case we run into OW; H doesn't want to be seen with me."

After a moment, I was getting upset so I got the baby's diaper bag ready to go out for awhile.

Me: "Are you going anywhere?"
H: "No. Why?"
ME: "Your mom will be here in an hour or so to drop off S9 and S5, so I wanted to know if you'll be here for them when they get here."
H: "Yeah, I'll be here. Where are you going?"
Me: "I don't know, but I need to get out of the house for a bit."
H: "Where are you going?"
Me: "I don't know. I might go shopping."
H: "Did I do something wrong?"
Me: "No, I just need to get out."
H: "JV, talk to me. What did I do?"
Me: "You didn't do anything, H. I just have things on my mind, and I need to clear myself of them."
H: "What things?"
Me: "H, please. You know when I get like this that I need to be left alone. I'll be back in a couple of hours or so."
H: "No. I want to know what's wrong first."
Me: "......I'm having a bad moment, alright?"
H: "What kind of bad moment?"
Me: "......I'm feeling very insecure and afraid right now."
H: "Tell me why."
Me: "You've never asked for any time with (baby) or to take him anywhere before -- "
H: "So this is all because I wanted to take him to the mall?!"
Me: "No, I -- "
H: "OMG. Don't even tell me you thought I was taking him there to see SOMEONE ELSE." ( )
Me: "I'm going. You keep interrupting me. You asked me to talk, and now you won't let me finish."
H: "Alright, I'm sorry. Go ahead please."
Me: "I can't understand how you were acting happy to take (baby) to the mall with you, but when I asked if I could go along, your mood suddenly changed. I felt like you really didn't want ME to go, and yes, since you were going to the mall, it just brought back all the insecurity, all the distrust."
H: "JV, I can't just never go to the mall again."
Me: "I know that, H.....It's just really, really hard sometimes. I can feel so good for days, and then all of a sudden, something happens to trigger the bad things. I know you have NO intentions to hurt me.....These bad feelings might come up from time to time. I'm sorry, and I am trying to deal with them. I just need you to understand that."
H: "I'm sorry, JV. I'm trying. I'm really trying."
Me: "I know you are."
H: "I f***ed everything up so bad. It's all my fault."
Me: "It's BOTH our fault. I'm sorry, too."

H gave me a hug then I left. I took the baby over to my parents' house, and they watched him for a few hours while I went shopping.

H called me shortly after I left and said, "I just wanted to tell you to take all the time you need. Don't be in a hurry to come back on account of me. Buy yourself whatever you want and have fun." I said, "Thank you. I'll only be gone for a couple of hours though."

So I bought a couple of shorts and a shirt, and I also bought a new wedding band for H . Not to get him out of going to the mall himself -- I was already planning on doing this when H came back from AZ last week and told me about him losing it.

On my way home, I called H to see if he needed anything, and he said no thank you. H asked if he could go play cards tonight, I said sure, and he thanked me. H also went last night, so there's his 2 nights for the week .

When I returned home, H came right out and helped me bring in the baby and his stuff. The boys greeted me home, and H gave me a kiss .

Before H left, I was sitting on the couch when he leaned over me closely and said, "So...tomorrow we'll have been married for 8 years." I said, "Yep." He just kept looking into my eyes, kind of deeply, then smiled and said "ILY". H gave me a kiss and said, "We'll do something really cool tomorrow, alright?" I said, "Alright."

Within the following 10 minutes, H probably hugged me, kissed me, and said "ILY" about 5 times then he left.

He's been gone for almost 3 hours now and has called me twice just to talk .

So.....I vented to H , but I think I did it gently and smoothly enough for things not to get out of hand . I probably shouldn't have done that, but I think H and I made it through just fine.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[dodgermf]

JV,

You're up late! I just got back from the Dodger game (they lost again, that's 3 straight). Looks like things are going smooth for you. I'm glad, just be careful (the voice of reason and fear).

I've got to go to bed, another trip to LA in the morning...

DMF OUT

[andrea]

Jip Jip Huurraaaa JV...!!... again, h is so much caring abou yourself and feelings...!!... enjoy it...!!
Andrea

[ValerieA]

D and Andrea,

As always, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.

I am trying to be careful, too. It can be very difficult at times and even moreso when H won't give me my space, but maybe I should look at those times as small positives since H is willing to talk with me.

------------------------

I'm not sure what time H got home last night; I didn't look over at the alarm clock. Maybe around 2am or so since he told me he would be home by then.

All I remember was H coming in the room and laying on top of me saying, "Happy Anniversary," then giving me a really nice kiss !

This morning, H took the boys to school. While he was gone, I put his gift and card on the bed so that he would see them when he came back to shower.

After H got here and went into the bedroom, he came into the living room where I was, grabbed me and said, "Thank you!", and gave me a hug and kiss.

I asked H if he liked the ring and he said, "Yes, thank you. That was so thoughtful of you." I told H, "This one's not going back unless it needs to be sized," (to which H said it does).......The reason I said "this one's not going back" is because since H dropped all the weight, his original band didn't fit anymore, he was talking of getting a new one, so I bought him a platinum diamond band for Christmas. After receiving it, H said it was too small and went to have it sized, but he said the sales associates were giving him a hard time because he didn't have the sales slip (all they had to do was ask who bought it to look it up in their computer -- problem solved). I said I would take care of it, but H said, "NO! They p*ssed me off so take it back! I'll get a different one from someplace else." So I took it back, and I bought him a similar one at a different jeweler, but H was upset with that. He wouldn't wear it (even though it fit perfectly) because he said he liked the first one I bought best. So weeks were going by, I was upset that he wasn't wearing it, we argued about it, and I ended up returning the band again (right before the bomb dropped) due to H insisting that I do so.......Well, now I know why I had to return both wedding bands. H was having the A, and he felt he didn't deserve them (his words not mine).

I also bought him a muscle tee with the UFC logo on it (H likes that stuff) and a cap to go with it. He wore them today !

Before he left (he had to go near Auburn today to get some extra equipment from a former co-worker), he said that he was going to make arrangements with MIL to come over tonight and stay with the kids so he could take me out. I'm not expecting anything big. I'll settle for a nice dinner out and MAYBE a movie . We have the whole weekend to look forward to !

Thanks for listening.

JV

[Dmsw4]

JV, I was told to check out your thread. So I'll just be in the backround lurking for inspiration. mellanie

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Lots of highs and lows yesterday. It felt awkward and uncomfortable at so many points.

Before H had left to go to Auburn yesterday, he apologized for not having a gift for me just yet. I told him not to be sorry; I know and understand how much he has to do everyday. H said he was going to get me something to give to me later last night. I told H not to worry about it, and he said, "I HAVE to get you SOMETHING! It's our anniversary."

I called H later in the afternoon to ask what time he thought he'd be back home. I wanted to ask him if he could watch the boys so I could get my nails done. H said he would be home by 3pm at the latest, but he mentioned that he still hadn't picked out a gift for me, so if I could wait until 5pm to go, then that would give him plenty of time to do so. I said alright, I would see him then.

H got home at 5pm like he said. He came up to me, and I noticed he was all sweaty. I asked why and he told me he just came from the gym. H also said, ".....I didn't know what to get you. I knew you wouldn't want earrings or a necklace. I don't know. I'm just not good at buying gifts, so I didn't get you anything." I said, "That's alright. It's no biggie." H said he was sorry, and I told him it's ok, forget about it.............I have to admit that I was somewhat disappointed. I wasn't expecting anything grand, but I would've appreciated at least a card.

Anyway, I went to get my nails done while H took the boys over to MIL's house. As I was leaving the salon, H snuck up behind me! He gave me a kiss and said, "C'mon! Let's go out to eat." I asked if we could stop at the house (right around the corner) so I could change, and he said alright.

We got home, I was changing and then fixing my makeup. H was being playful and taking pictures of me on his phone, and then... !

We went to a restaurant in the next town over. We used to go there from time to time in our dating years and hadn't been there in a long while.

H wanted to have some drinks so we did (I'm not a very big drinker; H is but only on occasion). H had a couple of Coronas and a shot of tequila, and he ordered me a margarita. I've never had one before, but I have had tequila ! I took several sips, and that was all I could handle . The tequila was so strong! If I was still 21, it wouldn't have been a problem !

Me: "I just don't have the stomach for it anymore, I'm sorry. Not like back in the day."
H: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Not like when I used to be able to down at least 3 or 4 shots of tequila at once and not feel a thing until after the next couple of shots!"
H: "I don't remember that. When was this?"
Me: "Back when I used to hang out with FF (female friend)."
H: "Oh."........

FF -- a friend of mine long ago through work that H always hated; I don't even keep in touch with her anymore, and he still doesn't like her! He never knew her personally, but he always ASSumed she was trying to get me to leave him. Let me go into some background here before I go any further into yesterday's dinner convo:

There was a day when I was working (before I met FF) and some guy came up to me. He was picking up on me (I was dating H at the time), blah blah blah, and asked for my number. Instead of doing what I should have (telling this guy "I'm involved"), I gave him a phony number with my name (I couldn't give him a phony name -- my name was on my nametag !). I guess by giving him the bogus number, I felt I was shooting this guy down... nicely ? What I mean is not directly to his face. I'm sorry if anyone has trouble with that -- I was only 19 at the time !

When the guy left, H came up to me a short moment later, handed me a piece of paper and said, "What the h*ll is this, JV?" It was the phony number with my name on it. I was stunned and unsure of what was going on. Before I could get a word in and say, "Did you notice anything about the number?", H said, "I feel like the biggest f***ing moron right now. I was coming by to visit you. That guy you were just talking to was my friend XXXXX. We were talking about girlfriends. He was telling me how he doesn't trust any female; how they'll just burn you and cheat behind your back, and that I should watch out. You know what I told him? I told him, "No way. You're so wrong. You don't know what you're talking about. My girlfriend would never do anything like that to me." He started telling me I was a f***ing idiot to believe that. He said he could come in here, talk to you for a little bit, and get you to give him your number. So I told him to go ahead and try so I could laugh in his face when he came back out. Instead he came out laughing in my face! He gave me that (the paper) and said he told me so.....How could you f***ing do that to me? Do you give your number out to any m'f'er that asks for it, JV? I thought you f***ing loved me, huh? Or was that all BS?" I started asking, "H, did you look -- ", but then he immediately stormed off saying, " I don't even want to talk to you right now. I'm going out with my friends tonight. You can call me later....and you better not ever do this s**t to me again."

Again, I was at work during this. I was trying to keep it together, but I was so angry with myself for not being straightforward with that guy. Why didn't I just have it in me to say, "I've got a boyfriend; Leave me alone!"? Maybe because I liked the attention, but I was involved, so I felt the need to let him down easily.

I had called H after work, apologized for what happened, told him that if he looked at the number then he should have noticed it was wrong but he didn't -- all he saw was my name, and I explained that to him. We talked a lot more, and in the end, we decided to work through it.

During the next couple of weeks after that incident, H would keep breaking plans with me to do something with his friends. I started having suspicions, and one night when H was supposed to be out, I decided to go to his place to wait for him, but when I got there, H's car and a couple of others were there. I walk up to the door, ring the bell, ring it again, then XXXXX opens it, I look inside, and there's H...on the couch...with some girl sitting right up beside him . H turned pale, I was devastated, and turned around to leave, shaking, feeling lost, and nauseated. H came running after me, wouldn't let me go, was apologizing and saying he wasn't thinking right. He thought he was losing me, that I didn't love him, he had been drinking, this girl was all over him, he wasn't into her, but she kept pushing. She kept kissing him, he pushed her away sometimes, but she kept at it, then I got there. A very long night of begging (H), pleading (H), and crying (H and me). We tried to work it out for a SHORT time, but we split up because there was too much hurt for both of us.

So...we were apart for a couple of months although we spoke several times; mostly H calling me. Like I said, there was so much hurt, and one day while I was at work, FF came up to me at lunch, and we just started talking. After some time of becoming good friends, she had told me that she came up to me that day because I looked like I could really use a friend ( my goodness -- was it that obvious???) Anyhow, FF helped me GAL! We went out together and with others (to parties, festivals, the beach, etc.), and I was really enjoying life again. I was also speaking to H less and less, and I had also met someone else -- it was never serious though.

One day, H called and told me he had a surprise for me. I went to his workplace, he came outside with me, and gave me a pager (back when pagers were the "in" thing ). H said he wanted to be able to get a hold of me if I wasn't home. I asked what for, and H told me he missed me, he wanted me back, he wanted his girlfriend (me) back. We talked for awhile and got back together (I stopped contact with the OP).

It was rough; lots of distrust on both sides. I had found out that H was seeing someone while we were apart and still talking to and seeing her on occasion. I was withdrawing again, H finally cut the cord with her, but I still maintained my distance by going out with FF. H was not at all happy about this because I had made many plans with FF to do things and would not break them. I invited him along a few times, but he refused. I think H saw FF as a threat since she was SINGLE. We would often go out to clubs and go dancing. H always let me go, but I knew he was feeling insecure about it because he would always ask how many guys hit on me or how many did I dance with. I always did my best to reassure H that I wasn't looking to meet anyone; I only wanted to go out to have a good time. After that, H started taking me out more and more to clubs, theme parks, baseball games, movies, etc, and I did less and less with FF. She didn't mind; she was happy to see that H and I were on the right track. Then I became pregnant, and well, you know the rest of the sitch from there .

Whew ! Back to last night's dinner convo:

H: "Where were you guys when you would drink like that?"
Me: "At her place."
H: "Who else was there? Any guys?"
Me: "Sometimes. But mostly me, her, and her roommate."
H: "What guys were there? How many?"
Me: "Most of the time it was just the guy FF was seeing at the time."
H: "What about that guy you were seeing? Was he there?"
Me: "......Why are you asking me this?"
H: "I'm just talking. Can't we talk?"
Me: "Yes, we can talk."
H: "So...was he there?"
Me: "....Yeah, just once." (GREAT anniversary discussion, huh? )
H: ".....How many times did you see him?"
Me: "Only a few times over a couple of months."
H: "A couple of months, huh?"
Me: "Yes. When we were split up."
H: "When we were split up?"
Me: "Yeah. When you thought I gave my number out, and then you had that get-together at your house..."
H: "Oh, right, right........So did you sleep with him?"
Me (getting really uneasy and irritated, but keeping calm): "NO, but he did kiss me."
H: "HE kissed YOU?"
Me: "Alright -- WE kissed."
H: ".......So...what ever happened with him?"
Me: "You and I got back together. It was never serious with him anyway."
H: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it just wasn't."
H: "Hmm."
Me: "Thanks for taking me out tonight and making all the arrangements. I really appreciate it." (WHY didn't I do this sooner ? Change the subject, that is.)
H: "No problem. I want to take you out this weekend, like on Friday or Saturday, and just drink and have fun, alright?"
Me: "Alright. We have the whole weekend, and we don't have to get the kids until Monday evening. I would still like to go to Great America or some other amusement park, if that's alright?"
H: "Yeah, we'll see ( ). I still have installs to do, and hopefully I can get them scheduled around the weekend."

We talked more about other things. One time H said, "Wasn't it here that (blah blah blah) happened?" I said I couldn't remember. H said, "I think it was, and I know I had to have been with you.".....Ummm....Ouch. That triggered more BAD thoughts about H's lunches (possibly dinners, too) with OW.

We ordered dessert but got it to go. I thanked H again for the dinner, and he thanked me for earlier ! After H signed the bill, he grabbed my hand and wrote on my palm: "I Love XXXXXXX (me)...Love, XXXXX (H)."

We went to pick up the kids from MIL's then went home. I put the kids to bed, we watched some TV then went to bed. H was playfully acting like he was going to sleep, but I playfully wouldn't let him !

There is more I need to add about after we went to bed, and it's hard for me to do it, but I need to get it out. The baby's up now, so to be continued......

Thank you for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Sure thing, Mellanie.

If I can help anyone out in any way, I'm there! I owe a LOT to many here!

JV

[guyinhou]

JVJKB

Wow!

Positives!

Don't worry abou tnot changing the subject fast enough - the important thing is that it didn't spiral out of control! You saw what was going on, and changed the interaction by deciding carefully on your response.

As a guy, let me tell you how great it is to just be able to spend time with the person we love, and to just not have the R hanging over our head. We know it's there, and it needs to be dealt with, but it's so great to just get to enjoy your company.

Now I'm speaking as the guy trying to keep the W here, but I think I can relate to how your H feels. He probably carries guilt that you can't imagine is actually there, and you have given him a special gift by just being able to enjoy each other's company.

I agree he should have gotten you something. Perhaps a better way, instead of saying it didn't matter (which it does!), was to say something that he would find reassuring, like "Well, any gift would be fine with me. What's important is that it came from you. I do like black hills gold, and I could use some earrings"

let me tell you, guys love very SPECIFIC ideas for gifts. It's hard enough to try to get it right, and we don't know what we're doing, it feels strange, and having a specific item in mind makes it so much simpler. Sure, you'd like him to know what to do on his own, but he probably needs to experience some success in that area to build some habits, so if you can make it easier for him, I think that shows that you appreciate his efforts. I would find it encouraging.

I can totally relate about the up and down. Sometimes I think things are moving up, but the trend can be hard to see because it's such a wild ride.

Keep it up, it's working.

Tim