Trying to find our way to happiness

[kml]

JV, for now I would probably focus on improving your R. I doubt you'll get anywhere with his eating disorder until you guys are on a better footing. And you can't help him if he leaves.

You can compliment other things about his appearance (or intellect, or sexual prowess ) while trying to avoid getting sucked into talking about his weight. Or, if you think it is a particularly good moment, you can say "honey, I love you fat or thin, but I am terribly worried about your health,because I know bulimia can be a life-threatening disease."

Meanwhile - learn all you can, so you can be prepared when the time does come to tackle it head on. And do try to get him to take a multivitamin and some fish oil capsules (maybe tell him it's for his heart, without mentioning the ED?). If you could also get him to try 5-HTP (5-hydroxytyrptophan - a serotonin precursor that is available as a supplement) - you could tell him it's for weight control (it is sometimes taken for that). If it raised his serotonin levels, that might help with the bulimia in the same way Prozac does.


Ellie

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Ok, I've been on and off the board all day; I haven't had much to do for GAL today . My posts have taken hours to complete due to interruptions here and there .

Yesterday was another good day for H and me .

I talked with my mom a few days ago and since our anniversary is this coming Tuesday, she and my stepdad offered to watch the boys from next Friday through Monday so H and I could go away for the weekend.

H and I were talking last night and I brought this up. I said, "What do you think about going to Magic Mountain or Universal Studios next weekend?" H said, "That sounds cool! Let's go!" I suggested we stay somewhere like Holiday Inn or even Motel 6. H cut me off and said, "No, we're not doing that. We're staying somewhere nicer." I told H, "I don't want to stay someplace where we end up spending $100 or so each night." H said, "You deserve -- Sweetie, don't worry about it.".......Sweetie?! That was a first!

List for yesterday:

+ POSITIVES +

+ H said "ILY" numerous times.
+ Many hugs, kisses, and flirting still.
+ H calling me "sweetie" . I like that !
+ H called throughout the day to see how I was.
+ When H was on his way home from setting up the show, he called to see if I needed him to stop for anything before getting here. Very considerate!
+ We watched more programs together.
+ H agreeing to go to theme parks next weekend! We did this a lot when dating!

- NEGATIVES -

- My mind was beginning to wander when H didn't get home when I was EXPECTING him to. Yes, he had called and said he was coming into the next town which meant he should have been home in 15 minutes, but it took him about 30 minutes to get here. A bit of anxiety there .

* THINGS TO WORK ON *

* That bit of anxiety caused by my expectation. STOP THE EXPECTATIONS, JV!!! -- Maybe GENTLY ask H why he was a little late next time. Don't ASSume, don't condemn, don't attack!

H just called. MIL offered to stay with the kids tonight if H and I wanted to go see a movie, but he'll be home around 10pm from working. H asked me to go rent a couple of movies we could watch together tonight.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

JV, for now I would probably focus on improving your R. I doubt you'll get anywhere with his eating disorder until you guys are on a better footing. And you can't help him if he leaves.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. The R seems really good right now, but I do feel it's too soon and I also feel I need to be much better prepared for the right time to bring this up.

Thank you so much, Ellie, for the suggestions! I will definitely use them, and again, I will learn all I need to know about the ED.

JV

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H is at work. I've got some shopping to do in a bit, but I wanted to talk about yesterday and this morning.

H called before getting home around 10pm. He asked, "So do you think my mom will still come over?" I said I didn't know and why. H said he wanted to go play cards and he wanted us to go together. I didn't want to so I told him that, and I also told H to go ahead if that's what he wanted to go do. He kept going back and forth with "I want to go" and "Nah, I'll just stay home". H did that about 10 times until I finally said, "What are you going to do, H? I'm fine with either one." He finally decided, "I'm staying home. I'll be a man."......What?

When H got here, we watched one of the movies I rented before going to bed.

List for yesterday:

+ POSITIVES +

+ H continued to call me during the day.
+ Affection is still going strong.
+ H rested his head in my lap again while watching the movie.
+ !

- NEGATIVES -

- I was losing a bit of patience with H's indecision about whether or not to stay home last night. Although he did stay home, I think my irritability came through to H over the phone, and this could be why he decided to stay rather than do what he might have really wanted to do. Did that make sense ?
- With the above said, I think I'm ASSuming.

* THINGS TO WORK ON *

* I feel like I'm going to have to talk about a compromise soon. I think and feel like the sooner I do this, the less stressed I will be when H wants to go play poker. If we make an agreement, then I have no excuse to get upset as long as we BOTH stick to it.
* Gotta STOP the ASSumptions!

Ok now...this morning...

After H left for work and the kids had their breakfast, I went to sort some laundry. I was sorting H's dirty clothes from his trip and came across a pair of novelty boxer shorts I had never seen before.....I have always been the one to buy H's undergarments for him; H never has the time to buy himself new clothing.....They were Christmas boxers.....I didn't buy them, and I can't see H buying them either.....Well, I threw them out. I have this feeling that OW might have bought them for H. I can't imagine anyone else getting them for him.

Maybe I'm overreacting to something that is nothing, but they were Christmas boxers, and seeing them reminded me that H was having his A during Christmas time.

I'm not going to mention this to H. I don't think he would even notice he was missing a pair of underwear .

I'm going to try my hardest to get this off my mind now.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[sonni]

JV, i've just read your post. Please, please be careful and don't mention the shorts at this time. I know that you are upset, but this could do damage and i don't think that it is worth it do you?

I have a hard time keeping OW out of my mind. When she creeps in, i become a basket case, so i try really hard not to let her in. She is just "river trash" that H has collected to throw away soon.They are NOTHING, just trash.

If that is where they did come from, then H must not remember or CARE as he is not afraid for you to see them. Please see this as a plus for you.

I am not where you are yet,(soon i hope) so i really don't know how you are feeling but i don't think that you want to loose the ground that you have gained with H over some shorts do you? You have listed so many postives from him.
You see, your company won out over something that H really likes to do. See that as a positive too. It could have been the MLC not letting him make his own decision right away. He did invite you how great!

I hope that i helped some. Try not to think of OW as much. H is with you and WANTS to be there so brush her under the rug or throw the thought of her in the trash where she belongs!
Come back here to vent instead of saying something to H if you can. You have a lot of support here.
Huggs and Prayers, Sonni

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

Thanks for your support, Sonni. It's greatly appreciated.

Don't worry -- I have NO intentions of bringing up the boxer shorts to H at all. I think I pretty much let it go when I tossed them into the garbage ! And I VERY RARELY think about OW anymore. Thinking about OW is a complete waste of time and energy. I might still lapse once in awhile, but that is to be expected.

Thanks for pointing out the positives for me, Sonni. It helps maintain my PMA. Thank you!

----------------------

Some backsliding today :

A few days ago, H said SIL invited us to her house to watch the Trinidad boxing match tonight on PayPerView. I said, "Alright. That sounds good -- Wait. Did you say at her house?" H said yes then I said, "Oh...I can't -- " H quickly said, "Oh wait! I totally forgot. You just reminded me, and you're right. Forget that then.".....H and I are both very allergic to pet hair, and SIL has a dog and 2 cats!.....Then H said that a mutual friend will be watching it as well so maybe we'll go there instead. I told H that we probably wouldn't have a sitter for tonight, but he could go to (mf)'s by himself if he wanted to. H said, "Alright, we'll see."

I spoke with H earlier today, and he said, "(mf) called me and asked if I could pick him up from the airport if his BIL can't do it." H said that (mf) is coming back from Hawaii tonight. We talked a bit more then hung up.

It didn't ring a bell until after I was off the phone with H that he told me the other night that (mf) was going to be watching the boxing match at home tonight, and then today he told me that he might have to pick up the same (mf) at SFO tonight after 10pm.... ???

So I called H back, very calmly and gently, asking him to "clarify" the sitch for me. When H asked what I meant, I told him that he gave me conflicting information about the sitch with (mf) tonight. I reminded H what he told me the other night and what he told me earlier today.

H became irritated and said, "No, you misunderstood me." I said, "Ok. If I did, I'm sorry, but could you please tell me what's going on then?" H said, " Let me call (mf) on 3-way with you so I can handle this BS!...Do you want me to call him and prove it to you?!" I said, "...No...I'm just going to let you go now and not bother you any longer with my BS. I'm sorry, goodbye."

H called right back and said he was sorry. He didn't want to fight with me, and he didn't mean to call my concerns BS. I said I was sorry, too. I didn't mean to start anything; I was just confused with the sitch and needed to know what the deal really was. H said no it was his fault; I said it was both of us. I should have kept it to myself, and H didn't necessarily need to fly off the handle. He said, "Ok, JV." Then we said bye.

H just called. He'll be here shortly. H said he was just going to go play poker and call me later when he got there (without calling me first ), but he has decided to just come home and watch the other movie I rented with me. H sounded like he really wanted to go play cards, but he's made the choice to come home, so I hope we're okay .

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Yesterday was another pretty good day with the exception of that little backslide. I'm calling it "little" because neither one of us held onto any grudge after the convo. THAT IS HUGE !!!

After H called to tell me he was on his way home last night, he called again about 15 minutes later to see if I needed him to stop for anything (how nice !), and I said no thank you. H said, "Alright.....ILY, JV." I told him "ILY, too."

When H got here, we talked about his day, he asked me about mine then gave me a nice hug. We settled down to watch the movie then went to bed. Oh! And I got a very nice kiss just before the movie started !

My list:

+ POSITIVES +

+ H called back to apologize for calling my concerns BS.
+ H made HIS OWN decision about coming home last night instead of going to play cards. He stuck to what he told me the other day when he went to play in the tournament -- H told me he would be home the rest of the weekend after work.
+ We were both in positive moods even after that little backsliding convo.
+ H still being very affectionate and also considerate (hugs, kisses, asking if I need anything, the "ILY"s, etc.).
+ Closeness during the movie -- laying together, I was stroking H's back, he was stroking my arm and holding my hand from time to time. Very nice !
+ I DID NOT MENTION THE MYSTERIOUS BOXER SHORTS!!!
+ PMA, PMA , PMA!!!


- NEGATIVES -

- The convo about H's conflicting info. I felt maybe H was "up to something", hiding what he really might be up to later last night. ASSuming again? Maybe, but H's comment was contradicting what he said the other day.

* THINGS TO WORK ON *

* My approach to such circumstances as above -- I need help with how to work on this. Let me say that I did not attack nor ASSume anything when I talked to H. My words were, "I'm confused, and I was hoping you could explain it to me." When H asked, "What do you mean?", I replied with, "The other day you mentioned that (mf) would be watching the fight as his house, but today you said he's coming back from Hawaii and you might have to pick him up. It doesn't make sense to me; Could you please explain it?" This is when H told me that I misunderstood him then snapped, "Let me call him....!".....Am I not allowed to ask when I'm having doubts when H CLEARLY has said two different things??? I really need help with this one please.

Ok, another thing -- When we go to bed, H likes to intertwine our legs or sometimes play footsie . Last night, H was kind of kicking me gently.

Is he trying to be playful? And hoping that I will be in return? H has done this before in the past, but I never paid too much attention to it. Could he be trying to "playfully" initiate closeness? And maybe it could become something more ( )? Hmmm.....maybe I'll give it a try next time .

Thanks for listening.

JV

[andrea]

Just to say you are doing so well...!!... go ahead, you are so clear abou what to work and what to avoid...!!.. and it seems your h is applying a lot of patience with your insecurness and that for me is "caring" about you and your feelings...
Andrea

[ValerieA]

Thanks, Andrea. H really has been very caring, hasn't he?

------------------

Before H came home from work yesterday, he called to ask if I was alright with him going to play cards. I said that was fine. I then said that I would really like to talk about an agreement on the subject, and H said, "Let's talk now." I added that I wanted to do this so H could feel like he didn't have to creep on eggshells when asking, and I would just feel better knowing that we made a compromise.

I asked H what he would be comfortable with, and he said, ".....One night a week." Whoa! I wasn't at all expecting to hear that!

Now, I REALLY wanted to say, "OK!!!" ( LOL!!), but I was being realistic knowing how much H likes playing poker, so I said, "Well, how about 2 nights a week?" H said, "...Ok."

So, my small goal of a compromise has been reached with much ease .

Gotta go get S5 now. Thanks for listening.

JV

[SherryL]

JV,

I have been reading but not posting to you.

I just have to say, you are doing great.
You are really looking at the R, what is working, what isn't. I am happy for you. I know you still have a long road ahead, but you are definately getting there.

Sherry