Trying to find our way to happiness

[BeingMe]

I've just caught up with your sitch, and I am so glad for you, JV. Wow! We both seem to be getting this reaction from our H's at the same time. This is more or less what my H said to me last week. There must be something in the air.

I also realise that we have to continue DB'ing, and to be patient with our H's. I found myself biting my tongue several times this weekend, but still managed to bring up subject of OW. I have now decided I have to bite my tongue harder, and not worry about her anymore.

Intimacy was also a thing lacking in our R, so I understand where you're coming from, and have said similar thing to my H. I found, though, that they need to come around themselves, and not be reminded of their lack of intimacy. I still wait with bated breath on this one, so time will tell.

Good luck. Hope things continue to improve in your sitch, as I hope the same in mine, and everyone else here on the bb.

[ValerieA]

Hi there.

Thanks, Sherry. It certainly seems as if H has finally made his choice, but only time will tell.

I'm sorry if I sound negative. I've just been thinking about that convo, and although H's words seemed to come from the heart, they are words H has used in previous talks. The only difference is H seemed to REALLY mean it this time.

After that convo, I didn't get the sense of relief I had in prior convos. I didn't feel that optimistic. Maybe because I'm very wary about my sitch now. I feel like the door is slightly ajar at the moment. Not for me, but for H. I've been feeling this way for awhile, and it almost scares me a little.

I'm afraid that after H gets back, and after everything he said to me, that if H asks to go play cards, go to our friend's house, or whatever else......well, I'm almost certain that the door will be closer to being completely shut.

What I'm even more afraid of is that I feel really ok with that. I started this journey scared to death of the thought of H leaving, and now I feel I've reached a point where if he left, well, I might be better off.

Or maybe it's because I just feel really lost. I could go either way right now, but I feel like I can't choose a way. Part of me wants to be with H, but part of me doesn't anymore.

I feel like this has taken more than it's toll on me. I feel like everything that I've known to be secure in my life with H is anything but, and I don't know if it could ever be the same if not better.

I don't even know if I'm making any kind of sense right now.

I want to be with H but then I don't. Maybe I feel like I want to be with him because I still love him, and maybe I feel like I don't because I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to risk being hurt by him again.

OR....maybe I'm just tired . Oh yeah -- and crazy, too.

As I said in my first post on this thread, this may be my last chance.....This may also be H's last chance.....I've got to get myself together and think about what I REALLY want.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Thanks, BeingMe.

Maybe the more I hear that this could be a good thing, the more I might begin to believe it.

I've come to this point SOOOO many times in my sitch. I'm so afraid to have any kind of hope anymore.

Yes, there definitely must have been something in the air! I thought it was kind of eerie how my H said he HAD been taking me for granted when I WAS thinking that myself yesterday! Pretty strange, huh? But I'll take it!

Thanks for the insight on the intimacy issue. I'll have to keep that in mind.

I hope things are finally turning around for the better, and I hope everything goes well for you, too!

JV

[ValerieA]

Hello. Quick update:

H called last night and we spoke briefly.

He told me that he had cut out early from working the home show with (bf) since it was slow and went to play more cards. H ended up losing some $$, but it was no big deal. Wait -- let me say that again. It was no big deal to ME, but it was to H. He was irritated and a bit upset about it. I'm thinking to myself, "It was only $(x)! You've done worse. It's nothing, it's done, get over it now."

Well, although H sounded upset at me, I told myself, "He is NOT mad at me. He is upset with HIMSELF, his guilt is probably only adding to it, and he WILL get over it in a few days.....He is NOT mad at ME."

I believe that's a BIG plus for me right there!

JV

[SherryL]

Good job JV on not reflecting H's anger onto you. That is a step in the right direction.

I completely understand about being wary and not sure what you feel anymore. When my H said he would end it with ow (albeit slowly), I then started doubting everything and wondering if this is what I really wanted after all, if I wouldn't be better off on my own.
I know this isn't offering advice, I just wanted to let you know that I understand. Take sometime while H is gone to think about YOU and what you want. Sort thru those feelings.
I think you will find, if H is sincere this time and means what he said then you will want your M.
I have to keep telling myself we will have a stronger M when H is truly back in and working on it, too.

I don't know if this helps or not.
Thinking and praying for you.
Sherry

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Sherry.

It helps so much when someone else can understand. I do plan on using this time before H gets back to really think things through.

I have to keep telling myself we will have a stronger M when H is truly back in and working on it, too.

I feel the same way. I know that I've got the lion's share of the work to do right now. I just hope to see some kind of effort coming from H when he's back home.

Again, I'm not a patient one. I am trying though.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, too. I think about everyone here and pray for all as well.

JV

[ValerieA]

Today is the anniversary of when H and I "officially" became boyfriend and girlfriend....(sigh)....Those were the days!

H and I have always said "Happy Anniversary" to each other on this day.

H just called about 30 minutes ago. He needs me to Fed-Ex some things to him. He sounded a little down.

H has ALWAYS remembered today's significance; even better than I have !

My question: Should I say "Happy Anniversary" when we talk later today? I wonder if that would be too awkward right now especially for H.

Any thoughts please? Thanks.

JV

BTW, our wedding anniversary is coming up on the 17th. That should be interesting.

[ValerieA]

Hello.

Not much to report about tonight. The boys called H around 8pm to say good night, but I didn't get to speak with him . Yes, a little disappointing, but I think I'll live.

My mind and my feelings have really been all over the place, but I've been thinking about things tonight, and I DO want to keep trying to work on my M (not that I'll change my mind, but I still have several days before H gets back). If anything, I feel like I have to keep trying for my boys' sake. They deserve to live in a happily loving family with Mom and Dad in it together, and if it doesn't work, well....I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Feeling a little uneasy right now. I called H (because he asked me to when I talked to him earlier today) a short while ago to let him know that his new driver's license (he lost the old one) came today and I would Fed-Ex it to him tomorrow, but his phone was off. I can be doing well, but when little things like this happen, I start to feel my insecurity creeping up on me. I'm sure there's a valid reason why H has his phone off. I just have a hard time not thinking about all the possibilities -- the ones that could hurt me. Like for instance, is he at a bar with (bf) who LOVES going out for drinks and picking up on women?.... ....This scenario happened A WHOLE LOT when H was in AZ pre-bomb. That's where he is now, and (bf) is there with him.......Ok, I'm more than a little uneasy. I'm VERY uneasy about H having his phone off. He usually only has it off when he doesn't want to be "bothered" by anyone.

I'm going to try to relax now. Thank you for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hi. Just updating:

H called about 1am this morning. He said his phone was on when I said I called him, but he was in the casino, again, and there wasn't a signal. I said "ok". H must have sensed I was upset because he asked what was the matter. I told him, "Whenever I call you, and if you don't answer or your phone's off, bad feelings begin to set in, and I don't like that. Those feelings are even worse when you don't call back until hours later." H said that he was sorry, his phone really was on, but he just had no signal. We talked a little more, he said "IMY" and "ILY" then we hung up.

I talked to H again a few minutes ago. I wanted to know if I could just send his DL through the mail; it would be easier for me this way instead of having to wait in line at the post office or at Kinko's, but instead of hearing from H, "No, JV, I would prefer it to be done through Fed-Ex please," I got, "This is bulls**t! What's the big deal? If it's too much for you to do then give it to my mom so she can do it for me." Then H asked me what was the deal with my attitude, and I said (not DBing), "Maybe it has something to do with your attitude. I was only asking a simple question. You could have said no a lot nicer than how you just did." H said snidely, "(sigh)...Ok. Sorry." I said I was getting off the phone now then we said bye.

I only figured sending his DL through the mail would be easiest. He's going to be in AZ for at least another week; it would get to him in plenty of time....It would've been easiest for me that way because the baby isn't feeling too good; looks like allergies maybe. I'm trying to re-organinze S9 and S5's room (it is a disaster!), A/C maintenance is being done in 45 minutes, I have to go get S9 in 2 hours, come home and fix an early dinner for me and the kids, take S9 to Tae Kwon Do shortly after that, have S9's yearly review with his instructor, etc, etc, etc.....

Ok, I'm wasting time venting. I'd better go Fed-EX this now, with a very fussy baby in tow, before A/C guy gets here.

JV

[sage]

I talked to H again a few minutes ago. I wanted to know if I could just send his DL through the mail; it would be easier for me this way instead of having to wait in line at the post office or at Kinko's, but instead of hearing from H, "No, JV, I would prefer it to be done through Fed-Ex please," I got, "This is bulls**t! What's the big deal? If it's too much for you to do then give it to my mom so she can do it for me." Then H asked me what was the deal with my attitude, and I said (not DBing), "Maybe it has something to do with your attitude. I was only asking a simple question. You could have said no a lot nicer than how you just did." H said snidely, "(sigh)...Ok. Sorry." I said I was getting off the phone now then we said bye.

One of the things I heard from h during the bomb dropping phase was "God forbid you'd actually do anything for ME!". At first I was astonished because I considered myself a giving person but when I really thought about it, well, it occurred to me that I was quite giving to others in terms of doing things for them but not so much to h. In fact, I think I had really embraced my mom's mantra that doing errands and nice things for my h made me some sort of doormat.

Anyway, perhaps your h is feeling a bit of that? I can tell from the rest of your post how very busy you are with errands and kids and all so it's clearly not a question of effort .

It could also be that he had made a suggestion as to the solution (Fedx) and he felt challenged by your suggestion to do something different?

Also, maybe he was just reeling a bit from the conversation about the cell phone. I've noticed that sometimes h's anger or concern about one thing comes out in an entirely different way...

None of these are likely very helpful thoughts other than to suggest that people get irked for all kinds of reasons...if you can let it roll off of you without responding in anger or resentment, you may both feel better.

(Oh, I just thought of another one...maybe he was irked because you HAD agreed to fedx but then changed your mind?)

Hang in there with all you've got going on!

Sage