Trying to find our way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi, Andrea. Thank you for reading my posts.

I completely understand what you mean and what you're going through, and I can sympathize.

It sounds like you've reacted in your sitch like I have in mine many times.

I, too, am afraid that my H will make the decision to D, but others here on the site have pointed out one HUGE fact to me: I have been fearing something that HAS NOT happened. I've been obsessing over it for so long that it has taken on a life of it's own.

You and I have to both realize the biggest positive in our sitches. OUR Hs ARE STILL HOME.

I can't offer much advice right now because my sitch has taken alot out of me lately, but I will say that you need to stop all R talks. They don't help anything.

I know you have needs that you want met, but right now, it's all about your H and his feelings. Yeah, it's hard for us to be on the back burner, but it just has to be that way for now. Give your H alot of time and space. He needs it more than you know.

If you really want to salvage your M, you have to have PATIENCE. A great deal of it. This is my biggest challenge in all of this. I want to be happy, I want to move on with my H, and I want our M to be terrific. But again, time and patience. Time and patience.

I will read your thread, too. Thanks again for stopping by.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hi everyone.

H isn't here right now. So I want to update.

Another night of poker for H last night. He asked me if it was alright, and I said yes. Honestly, I was not alright with it at all. I wish he would have just stayed home with me, but if I said that to H, he would've probably gotten a little moody. Yes, I know. I'm ASSuming, but that has always been the outcome when H didn't get to go do what he wanted.

MAJOR backslide this morning, and it was all me . I completely ignored goal #3 (controlling my emotions).

I wasn't too happy this morning to begin with. H had gotten home late again from playing cards.....Before I go any further, I want to explain that my H does not have a gambling problem in case anyone might be concerned. H knows his limits and always has.

So this morning I'm hoping (and having expectations I know I shouldn't have) that H will want to stay home today and do something with me and the kids. Well, I overheard H on the phone with a friend talking about taking S9 and S5 fishing for a few hours , but after that, H wanted to go play cards with this friend . I was disappointed to hear this. Then my disappointment turned into anger, and I backslide BIG TIME.

I was trying to get the boys ready for their fishing trip. At the same time, they were fighting with each other, the baby's crying, and H is yelling in the background, "Go get the baby, JV!" I yelled, "I AM! YOU HANDLE THESE TWO THEN!......When do I get some time to myself, H?! When are you going to help me out more with these boys?! I love them, but I need a break!!! You're gone all the time, and I'm left here all alone with them while you're out doing your thing!" H then yells back, "Well, this is what you wanted! You wanted to be a housewife, and now you want to complain about your life! You f***ing asked for it!" I said, "I'm not complaining about being a housewife or my life! I'm just trying to tell you I need a break!" Then I went into our room (this is what I do when I want to be left alone to cool down), shut and locked the door behind me to get away from H. He came after me, got very angry since the door was locked, and broke it open! Then he walked away. I looked at the door and said, "That's nice, H. That's just great."

H went about doing some things before taking the boys fishing. He later said (still mad), "I'm sorry I broke the door. But when you walk away from me like that, it p*sses me off! It's f***ing childish! Don't do it again!" I said (still mad, too), "I'm sorry I acted the way I did, but you've gone to play poker two nights in a row, and when I heard you say you were going again tonight, I lost it. I just blew up. I just wish you would've taken into consideration the fact that I AM here all the time with the kids, and that I DO need a break every now and then! I know you go through a ton of stress with work and everything else. Sometimes I think you think I have it alot easier, and I don't! I'm stressed out, too, H!" H said, "I know you are, JV! But if you want help, well, you just went about it the wrong f***ing way! But like I said before, this is what you wanted so you have to live with it!" I just looked at him and said, "Why are you here, H? All the hundreds of times you've said that you were going to leave, why are you still here?!" H didn't answer me.

Later when H and the boys were leaving, H snidely said, "Enjoy your day, JV." I said, "You do the same, H."

They got back a couple of hours later. S9 came up to me and asked, "How has your day been, Mom?" I told him fine and thanked him for asking. Now, S9 has never asked me anything like that before so I'm ASSuming that H had him ask me. Oh well. I will admit it was nice.

Then H came up to me and showed me pictures he took on his phone of the boys holding the fish they caught. I smiled and said, "That's cool. I'm glad they had fun." I wasn't upset anymore at this point and thought since H was being pleasant, he was probably over the argument as well. Then H left to go to Home Depot to buy a new door.

When he came back, he tried to put it up, but it didn't fit right. H said it needed to be shaved down to size so now he was going to have to buy a shaver. H said, "That's wonderful.....Don't walk away from me anymore, JV. Don't f***ing make me do that again." I could feel my blood beginning to boil again, but I didn't say a word. I just sat there and let H say whatever he wanted.

After awhile, H came in the living room and said, "I'm leaving." I had nothing to say so H said, "Aren't you going to ask me where I'm going?" I shook my head and said "no". H said, "I'm going to help (co-worker) with his last two installs for today then I'm going to (inaudible). I know you don't care, but I'm telling you so your mind won't be going crazy thinking whatever it is you think. Bye." I said "bye", too, then he left.

(BIG LOOONG SIIIIGGGGHHHH)......What's done is done. I can't take it back. This whole thing was my fault, and I know it. I let my anger, stress, and frustration get the better of me, and now, of course, I regret it.

What can I do to fix this? I can say I'm sorry, which I am, but will H accept it? I don't know.

Thank you for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hi again. More updating:

So...H is out playing poker again tonight. I had S9 and S5 call him to say good night then S9 said Dad wanted to talk to me:

Me: "Hello?"
H(upbeat): "Hey! What's going on?"
Me: "Nothing. I was just having the boys call you to say good night."
H: "Oh, ok....Dude, I'm being totally serious right now. If I can make money like this whenever I come to play, I will quit my job tomorrow. I'm not kidding. I'm playing beyond tight right now (basically this means H is playing smart -- like the real poker professionals you see on TV). I would love to do this for a living! I have to get back to the table. I'll talk to you later. Bye."
Me: "Bye."

Ok...it "seems" again as if H is over what happened earlier today. I hope so, and when he gets home, I won't mention a thing.

H has talked about wanting to play poker professionally for a long time. He plays in higher limit games where on a good night, and if you play smart, it's possible to make a grand or two in that night. But along with the good comes the bad. It's also possible to lose just as much if you play wrecklessly or you're just not getting any good hands.

I know H loves poker, and he IS a very intellegent, disciplined player. I think he could do very well in this. BUT...I don't like how much time is involved in it. H would be gone everyday. I just know he would. He would do things with the kids from time to time, but as usual, I would be last on his priority list. That's just how it is. H even told me that himself.

It's been this way for so long. The only thing H seems to ever want to do together now is play cards. It's not even something that can be done together. We ride in the same car to get there, but then we sit at different tables because H plays high limit, and I play low limit.

Like I said, it's been this way for so long. Years to be exact. Other than H losing all the weight that he has, I see no other positive changes in him.

Am I experiencing resentment here? I've been thinking about that for some time now. I don't want to become bitter and angry for feeling neglected, but at times I feel like I am heading in that direction.

Thanks for listening.

JV

[ValerieA]

Hello.

Just updating the sitch:

H got home at about 1am. I was still awake. I was tired, but not enough to be able to fall asleep.

I was a little irked about him coming home late again, but I was able to put a choke chain on my feelings . I just went with the flow and listened to H tell me about the good hands he made. I cheered H on when he told me about the huge pots he won. He liked that !

We went to bed not too long after that. Since all was going well, I took the opportunity to initiate closeness. I unfolded his arm to put it around me while H talked some more until we were both just about asleep. I sat up a bit, said "Good night", and gave H a tender kiss. He matched my intensity, we cuddled, and fell asleep .

This morning, everything is still going good. H is out working, and I just got back from shopping with my neighbor.

Ok, I'm going to make some homemade chili now. H loves the way the house smells when I make it. It should be a nice surprise when H gets home from work!

Thanks for listening.

JV

[dodgermf]

JV,

In the brief words of the noted thinker, Napoleon Dynamite...

"AAAAUUGHHHHH, LUCKY!!!"

Congrats JV, I'm really happy for you. Keep it going. You inspire...

DMF

[ValerieA]

Thanks, D! You made me smile just now !

Weeelllllll......So much for H coming home to the delicious aroma of my chili.

I just called to see how H's day was going and to ask when he thought he'd get home, but guess what? He's out playing cards again . So let's see.....that makes 4 nights in a row , and what's worse is that H said he's down some money. If he doesn't at least break even tonight, I know H will come home in a foul mood. He will still gripe about it in the morning as well.......I'm crossing my fingers H at least breaks even.

Well if anything, I hope H can still smell the chili when he gets here (it's been cooking all day) and realizes what he missed tonight. His loss. He gets to nuke it in the microwave later.

Thanks.

JV

[cally]

JV,

I have read all of your posts and my heart does go out to you. I can see why you are feeling resentment. Your husband was gone for three weeks and then gets back and is out every night playing poker. He spends so much time away with traveling you would think when he got home his priority would be to spend as much time at home as he could.

What made me respond is I know you had mentioned your husband has anxiety attacks when he is away from home. I know what it feels like to have these and suffer from it. And it sounds like your husband needs some counseling. It scared me to read that he would break down a door like that when the children are right there at home and use that kind of language. Then scream at you that this is what you wanted deal with it. Do you think it is possible that he would agree to some kind of counseling. Maybe his anxiety goes deeper and he has some sort of depression or is manic depressive?

I know it can be hard to force someone to go, they have to want the counseling. I wish my own husband would get counseling because I think he is depressed. He had done some whacky things himself over the last year. I just started to post here not long ago. I feel like I could post on many of the boards. I have just hit the surface with how my marriage has been.

Just wanted to tell you I feel for you. It seems you are such a strong woman.

[ValerieA]

Hey there.

Thank you for reading my posts, for your understanding, and for your words, cally. I truly appreciate it.

I've been feeling resentful for what seems like forever. H has had this current job of his for nearly 3 years now, and nothing seems to have gotten any better. Yes...H travels alot and is gone for anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks at a time....and everytime he returns home, he will do things with the kids for a day or two but never me. I don't even get asked to go along. I'm very fortunate if H takes me out to dinner once every 2 months.

Yes, my H has a very terrible temper. I've learned to deal with it by just leaving him alone when he gets that way. When he does come around, he will apologize. Luckily with the other day's incident, the boys were already outside and didn't have to witness it. The language...yeah, it's bad and I hate it, but that's just how H is. The swearing is there whether he's in a good or bad mood. I guess I've learned to ignore it for the most part.

I totally agree about H needing counseling, but yes, he has to want it and he does not. H has told me that he WILL NOT go for fear of what the doctor will tell him. I asked H a few times over the past 2 years to just try it once, but he refuses everytime, so I don't even bother anymore.

I hate to say it because I know every individual is their own self, but knowing what I know about my H's father, my H seems to be very similar to him. We all resemble our parents in some way, right? I just say this because everything H is doing is what his dad did. They (H and his dad) both had As, said/say this isn't the life they wanted, stuck/are sticking around for the kids' sake, and were/are constantly out playing poker instead of being home during their free time.

I am afraid that my H is only here out of convenience. I think he has a connection with me in some way but not in a way that would help him see what he could be doing to make us both happier (I know, I know -- it has to be all me right now). H is a selfish person by his own admission and told me in a past R talk that he can't let me go because of it.

I love him and I resent him at the same time. Lately, the resentment far outweighs the feelings of love. I'm beginning to feel a little like a WAW. I've told (or maybe "nagged" in his mind) H many times prebomb and only twice post-bomb about my wanting to go out together much more often, and even though he said once "let's do it", still nothing changes.

I have asked for more , it picked up a little then went away again. We have ML only once in the past month, but yeah, H was away for 3 weeks of it. I've tried giving little hints here and there since H has been home, but since he gets back so late from playing cards, his excuse in action is turning his back to me or just saying "good night" and nothing more.

So lately, I just keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm burning up.

I may seem strong at times, but right now is not one of them.

Well, H told me earlier today that he's leaving for AZ again tomorrow. He's got a show to work there with his boss and he'll stay there to do the installs. H said not this weekend but the next there is a show to work in Napa, and after the installs are done for that one, he will have about 3 weeks off before the next show comes along.

Hmmm.....I wonder what H will do during that time off?

Hmmm.....I wonder what H will be doing tonight since he's leaving tomorrow?

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder....

Thanks for listening.

JV

[SherryL]

Hi JV,

I feel your pain. I struggle with resentment and wanting to work on M, too, all in the same breath sometimes. Sometimes the resentment seems to win.

You are strong, even though, you may not feel it right now. I have read your thread for awhile now and know you are.
The hard part is keeping these feelings inside and pretending it is okay. But remember to focus on YOU and what makes you happy. Do stuff for JV. I have decided to do that, to just not worry about my H. I can't make him want to be with me or the family. But, I will be there for my kids. He is the one losing out.
Sorry for the rambling. Just my two cents worth.
Sherry

[ValerieA]

Hello everyone.

Sherry, thank you for the support. It helps when someone else can relate. I've just been doubting alot of things lately. Is this what I want? Am I happy trying to make my M work? Am I able to do this alone? Will H ever understand if I'm unsure myself? I just don't know. Too many things are constantly going through my mind.

I NEED to go back to GAL!!! I haven't been able to do anything for myself for awhile now, and my PMA is suffering because of it.

Anyway, H actually stayed home last night . He went to his buddy's house for about 30 minutes to give him stuff for some installs this weekend then he came back. We watched a movie together (it's been a long while) then went to bed. It was a nice time.

Well, I backslid a bit today.

H will most likely be leaving for AZ this evening, so he picked up S5 from kindergarten and took S9 out of school early this afternoon. H wanted to take them out for mini-golf and bowling. Of course, I wasn't invited to go along.

MIL called the house. I had my hands full with the baby and just let the machine answer. She said, "JV? Is H there? Well, I just wanted to know if I'm supposed to meet them at the bowling alley or what. Have H call me."

... Needless to say, I was sad and bothered that H invited his mom but not me. So I called his cell, and since he didn't answer, I left him my backsliding message, "Your mom called and wants to know if she should meet you at the bowling alley...It's nice that you invited her and not me." Yeah, I will admit that I was being a baby . Sorry.

Shortly after that, H called but I didn't answer. He said that they were riding the go-carts when I called and were leaving the fun park to go bowling. H said, "If you'd like to come, you can. Call me and let me know."

H called back within a minute and said that he had just checked his voicemail and heard my message. H then said, "You can totally come with us! I would like that. I wish you would answer. Maybe you're busy with (baby). Call me back, and I'll try your cell."

So I did call him back. H said he was sorry for not asking me; he just didn't think to ask. H said, "I'm sorry. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. Do you want to come?" I said that was alright, and to go ahead and take his mom since she wanted to go. H said that we could all go, but I told him that I didn't feel like seeing his mom right now because I've been avoiding her. She was calling all the time while H was away to see how things were going between us. I told H thanks, but maybe next time. He said alright then we hung up.

So, yes, I backslid a little today but seemed to have recovered from it ok.

Well...H DID ask me to go along. A small baby step there? I have to say that it did make me feel better.

He also asked me if I could get his things together for his trip, and I said sure.

Ok, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.

JV