reading HD's post about the C and W, indicates something that we have all addressed in the past. Communication.
Most HD's here seek physical sex and intimacy. I long for my EDH to confide in me and "meld" on a lvl we have not been able to get to. HD's W wants trust. We love our spouses but very much desire to connect with them at such a private and personal level. We wish to communicate thru sex, touch, talk and ALL of that.
Interesting, yesterday the counselor said that it didn't seem like we had very good commnication in our R. I would say that's true, but I struggle with how to improve it in the context of addressing issues in the R. My wife seems to reluctant to discuss it at all, and in a topical manner that discounts how I feel.
I believe at the root of this is a fundamental difference in our priorities, at least at this stage of our lives. She said not long ago that S was far down on her list of fun things to do, and that there were many things she would rather do than that. That has always been the case, but prior to having kids and physical ailments it was higher up on the list and not causing a problem. I can tell her that I want more intimacy and S, but still we have the disconnect. There is the need to continue to perform "maintenance" on the R to keep the physical side at a substance level, it isn't as if we just had a misunderstanding and things are now OK. I see this again and again on this BB, there seems to be a cyclical nature to the improvements, with the attendant regressions and flare ups.
The cycles seem to be sensitizing me to the deficiencies of the R, my own mood is reflecting the current state of the R. If it's sucking, I am down. Good, I'm up. I need to get off this ride, the only way I can see to do this is to:
1. Accept the situation as it is, and reduce my expectations. Easy to say, hard as hell to do. It means not taking it personally that my W has a week(s) where she is not willing to spend much time with me, due to the crisis du jour. 2. Stand firm on my needs. I have heard this advice given out, but if I have to spell out exactly over and over what it takes to keep things rolling, then I question what the f'ing point is. KWIM? 3. Leave. Not really an option with kids.
#1 looks like a winner to me right now. Why? Because it only takes me to do it. Will this work in the run? I have no idea, it may cause more problems than it solves since it's conflict avoidance.
