Since almost two yars i am back again... Who doesns knows me can read my long long history looking by my name for my threads... i think the last one was
but i know i have some good good friends who can remembr me... 2 years trying to piece my m, but now my h is again confuse negative points: 1- We have 2 months without any sex R 2- i am tires of crisis
Positive points: 1- For the first time in a long time he is counselling (alone, he doesnt feel is a good idea to council together) 2- I have more and more information about divorce remedy... i have almost a PHD. 3- It seems there is no OW around... and he is always care about us...
What annoy me 1- no touch, no pretty words, no details at all. it is like we are partner, friends, nothing more. 2- he ask me to be patience... How much more?!!! 3- The limbo land, not knowing what will end the future... 4- until when i need to accept his crisis... repated crisis?
What i am doing? 1- caring abpout me i will return to my c on thursday, i am jogging all nights, i am looking good always, i am tryng to detach and not to be affected by his words specially in my R with my kinds, i am trying to laugh and smile. 2- I am looking for a job... i need to feel more secure about myself in economic issue 3- i am working trying to treat him like a teenager, a child, a confuse person... this time i am ok also i recognize i am not perfect and i have my faults, his crisis is bc of him... nothing more... Do you think is ok wo treat him that way...? Last night i had asked him: do you have the libido down...?!!... bc independet of what we are feeling, i need sex, so... do you masturbate yourself... he was mute... finally he said: i dont want it.. He is ding a lot of exercise... and he is taking rivotril... maybe his libido is down... or is bc of me?!!! Well, see you around again... i will beguin reading yoyr excellent posts... and stay in touch
Sorry to hear your H is in a down cycle again. I'm not familiar with Rivotril - is that an antidepressant? (Names are often different in different countries). Some antidepressants will depress the libido - but then, depression itself will do that also. Does your H seem depressed in other ways? (ie mad at people at work, impatient, poor sleep, not enjoying things he usually would enjoy?).
Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of taking care of yourself (good for you with your running ). I know it is hard living with a depressed person, but the more you can Act As If and be upbeat and happy, the better. It really doesn't help their depression if they can see they are making you miserable too.
Hi ellie, its nice to interact with you again, although this means my h is back on crisis... Yes, you are right, i need to came back and read my last thread... i had done that and guess wht... his problem is an old problem... and he doesnt resolve it yet..!!... so... The rivotril i think is more for anxious and panic than depression... i dont know if he is depress... it seems to me bc... 1. it is like he isnt enjoying at all (sometime i think it is bc of me) 2. he has problem to sleep well...!! 3. he is low sex drive (or he doesnt wants me????), see.. in december, whn we spent a fun time at an isle here n my country, we do sex a lot, he was relax, he drink some whiskies, so... maybe can be that... stress... depression...!! 4. i look sadness in his eyes and he seems to be so preocuppied...!! 5. he seems to bee frustrated with his success at work! so... maybe yes, he can be depressed... or maybe i can be the source of his depression... oh no... whtat i am saying... he had gone 2 times and he disndt find out his happiness neither... who can understand... waaao... what a crazy moment i am living...!
Quote: his problem is an old problem... and he doesnt resolve it yet..!!... so... The rivotril i think is more for anxious and panic than depression... i dont know if he is depress... it seems to me bc... 1. it is like he isnt enjoying at all (sometime i think it is bc of me) 2. he has problem to sleep well...!! 3. he is low sex drive (or he doesnt wants me????), see.. in december, whn we spent a fun time at an isle here n my country, we do sex a lot, he was relax, he drink some whiskies, so... maybe can be that... stress... depression...!! 4. i look sadness in his eyes and he seems to be so preocuppied...!! 5. he seems to bee frustrated with his success at work! so... maybe yes, he can be depressed... or maybe i can be the source of his depression... oh no... whtat i am saying... he had gone 2 times and he disndt find out his happiness neither... who can understand... waaao... what a crazy moment i am living...!
Hola Andrea. Sorry you have to be back again. Do you know what triggers your H's recurrences? Is there a common circunstance that leads to his changes? A specific time of the year, events in the family/friends...?
Why do you think it is your fault? Many serious depressions are actually cyclical. Have there been any changes in you that you think can have triggered it or is it that you are (very understandably) feeling down and tired of this and are starting to personalise?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: "You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
So, i cant fnd any special event or thing that could trigger his depression and crisis... But some times i think i am the one who trigger it... bc before he began with all this i had made him a comment abot i was boring and needing afection... that i want to pass the rest of my life full of affection and loved... so... maybe he can live like we were living for ever, but i just remember him that we wee not the perfect couple... i dont know... you know, in this point of our long long R crisis i am so tired about thinking, that i get angry with myself when i began thhinkinh about the R... idont know if you can understand me? Right now he is normal, polite and talking both gently and happy... no touch nor affection, but we are there for each other and the children...
Yesterday i had talked with a goood good mutual friend... he told me not to be desesperate, and that it is common that soing therapist remix and remove all concious inside, and that maybe bc that my h is in a terrible bad mood. He advice me to put me a goal, the m i want, and continue working for that.. to let time pass and relax a little. Tht mauve our crisis will for 5 years or more... so, learn to live with that and work to get the m you want..
I have a question... it seems the psiquiatris that is seing my h didnt think my h is depressed bc he didnt recommend him an antidepressive and only and anxious medicine. So, if his sadness, his mood, his problem with sleep, is not depression, can it be me??
Second, i love to be loving and affectionate but i dont know will be the best to do this right now... so, i am stoping myself not to be very affectionate or lovely, yes kindly and polite... what do you think about this issue? Ill stay around Andrea
Quote: it seems the psiquiatris that is seing my h didnt think my h is depressed bc he didnt recommend him an antidepressive and only and anxious medicine. So, if his sadness, his mood, his problem with sleep, is not depression, can it be me??
I doubt it is you, it sounds like depression. Sometimes it can be surprisingly difficult to get the professionals to make the right diagnosis. I know it is hard not to take it personally but this is not about you.
Quote: Second, i love to be loving and affectionate but i dont know will be the best to do this right now... so, i am stoping myself not to be very affectionate or lovely, yes kindly and polite... what do you think about this issue?
I think you should continue to be happy and upbeat, and loving and affectionate when you can. Yes, sometimes he will push you away - depressed people are grumpy! But he'll still appreciate your good mood on most days. Be a little silly sometimes too and try to make him laugh! I used to think about it like a tug boat trying to turn around an oil tanker - at first it doesn't seem like you are having any effect, because the movement is so small it is imperceptible, but eventually it will start to swing around.
I even used to make a game of seeing how long it would take in the evening to turn my 's mood around. Sometimes he would come home from work so grumpy that I wouldn't get a positive word from him until bedtime! But i knew that if I Acted As If, was positive and upbeat, had a nice dinner and music and a little glass of wine, it would happen.
Thanks Ellie for your words...!!.. yes, you are so right..!. the mean word is patience.. and little by little, eh??.
So, this morning he asked me to leave him at a conference in a hotel bc he didnt want to leave his car there... i said its ok... on the road he was so "gumpy" (thats the word you use, ellie), "icy", "sad" "like boring"... but i stop myself to enter in his cicle and talk normal, calm, continue talkin acting as if... it was like telling him... hey... you are in bad mood with me. You are sad... you feel like wanting to fight with the world... but not me...!!.. Even i feel needy about talking about our R, i didnt do this... We will do a trip wth kids and other familly in 2 weeks, but the plans were done before we talked about his insecurness and sadnes, and limboland. So, this morning on the road in my car he told me: XXX had sent me a mail asking me to deposit the amount for reservation at hotels... maybe he was expecting from me an answer like: Hey, are we going on that trip, do you really want to do it...?... but i only told him... And you did the deposit...?... asumming we will go... so, he answered me... "no, he sent me that mail yesterday afternoon, and today i wont go to office bc this conference, so, i will do it the day after tomorrow "(all that words in a sad and boring voice)... i didnt said anything and change the conversation...!!
Well, after leaving him there, i returned home and i picked Michelle book Divorce Remedy again... I also took a block and began writing my goals, concrete goals, the thecnics and what i will do... I dont know if i am correct DBing again, i know i am tired... but, i also know i cant do anything more, well, more different than throwing the towel. So, in a nex post i will put my goals and i wish you can help me with thcnincs and work... i will appreciate that... Andrea
GOALS 1- What we will be doing different when we communicate more and better? - He will ask me more about my day, kids issues and my things -He will tell me more about his day and activities
2- What will us be doing different when we were more affectionate? - We will touch and get close when we awake - We will give kiss saying by or hello
3- What we will do different when we enjoy more together? - We will laugh r talk nicely while seing TV - We will put more humour and less seriousness in our talks - We will laugh and share good moments alon or with friends.
WHAT THINGS DONT FUNCTION - Being needy, crying or pledging him bc our R problems - Asking him, agan and again, to be more affectionate, recrimining why we dont make love, etc etc - Reacting to his apaty and bad mood with more apaty and bad mood
WHAT FUNCTION - being happy, always smiling when he is around - Listening him, and dont saying anything even i do not agree with his position - Caring more about myself and my home and kids.. trying his mood doesnt affect too much my cotidianity and activities. - Separating a little from him... leting him a little alone. Geting close and again, leaving him...!!
Thecnincs i will aplay THE LAST RESOURCE: with a lot of 180 1- When he answer icy, hurting, boring i will react laughing, like he answer totally different of the way he answer. For example, a typical one: I ask him anything, like ¿Do you think we need to throw away that furnishure that dosnt work or we not use? He answered saying that the furniture work bu that all th kids and ME dont know how to care about the furniture So... what do you think will be a 180 1- Throwing away the furniture without asking again? 2- Letting the furniture in the meadle of my home 3- Putting the furniture in place and trying to fix them?
2- When he arrive home i use to be on PC.. so, now a- i wont be at home or i will be at home but doing something with my kids.
3- Almost every weekend we do the same.. going out with children to eat or something like that... what do you think will be better as a last resurce thecninc a- doing plans for all differents, like going to beach (maybe he right now isnt so open for this or maybe doing this i will show him too much interst on doing things together b- Doing plans alone, with my kids. (can this acctitude distance us more?)
BREATH, WAIT, BREATH, THINK AN STRATEGY, AND THEN ACT (THATS SO IMPORTANT FOR ME BC I USE TO DESESPERATE AND REACT)
ACTILING LIKE IF.... HE IS FULLLING ME WITH AFFECTION, HE IS SO COMUNICATIVE, HE IS NOT CONFUSED...!!
