What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Hello. I am new to the site and would appreciate any helpful advice.

I am 29 years old and a mother of 3 boys, 9, 5, and 5 months. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 12. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I discovered the unthinkable through his cell phone from a call he received after 2am while I was awake feeding our baby boy. He has been involved with another woman for the past 4 months. At first he tried to play "stupid" and acted as if he didn't know who was calling him from that number, but when he knew that I wasn't letting it go, he knew he had been caught.

After much arguing and crying all that night, I demanded that he call her, admit to what he had done, and tell her that it was over. He did just that. I explained to him that this was the first big step in repairing our relationship, and he agreed.

I had felt for some time (about 5 or 6 months earlier) that something was wrong, but every time I asked him, he always insisted there wasn't. I felt so lonely all that time. Now I know why and it all makes some sense. He travels quite a bit for work, but when he was home from work, he still wasn't really here. He always said he had errands to run for the business, or he had to go pick up equipment at an out-of-town warehouse, or he had to take equipment to somebody because they couldn't come get it themselves, or he wanted to go to a poker party. One night, he didn't come home at all until the next afternoon. He said he had too much to drink and passed out at his buddy's house.

He said he has been unhappy with our marriage for a LOONG time (we're talking a couple of years), but he never knew how to tell me. He didn't want to say anything to hurt my feelings or to see me cry. He says that he still loves me very much, but is not in love with me anymore. He never intended to be unfaithful. This just started out as friendly conversations, but quickly became more. He admits to hugging and kissing this woman, but is very adamant that it was nothing more. He said that what was going on between them was nothing important and meant nothing to him.

I find this extremely difficult to believe. I decided to do a little investigating. When this all first came out in the open, he said that he had been talking to her for only about 2 months. About a week and a half ago, I decided to check his cell phone records online. That's how I found out it was more like 4 months. Remember how he told me that she meant nothing to him? Well, I further discovered that he called her EVERYDAY, at least 3 TIMES A DAY, for 3 MONTHS! He called her when we went to Maui for my relative's wedding. He called her 6 TIMES on our oldest son's birthday. He even called her on Christmas Day while we were at my parents' house. I also found out that after I made him make the "it's over" call to her that morning, he called her as soon as he left the house to take the kids to school.

He claims that he hasn't spoken to her in a week now. She supposedly has been calling him (even after she's been made aware that he is a married man), and he has been returning her calls to tell her to stop calling him. Obviously, I don't believe him anymore. How can I? He insists that it is over between them.

After much discussion, we both agree that we want to try to work things out. I am still very much in love with him. I have spent 12 years with this man, and I can't just throw it all away even though he has committed the ultimate sin in our marriage. He's a human being, and we all make mistakes. He is a wonderful provider, and I am so very grateful for everything he has given this family. I will never forget this, but I am willing to try to forgive him. Only this once though.

Plain and simple: He wants to work it out for the kids. I can understand this somewhat, but it still hurts. He doesn't want to give up on everything. He feels that if we should split up, then everything he has worked so hard for will have been for nothing. He still loves me, but not the way a husband should love his wife, and he doesn't know if he can again.

I am trying to be as strong as I can for the sake of my children, but while they are at school and the baby's asleep, I find myself crying in a corner of the room, sometimes uncontrollably.

We both know that this will take time, and I can't help but notice that he continues on just like it was any other day. I don't want to dwell on what has happened, but it's very hard not to.

Right now, he is supposed to be picking up displays for work from a friend. I can't help but feel that he may possibly be with her right now even though he said I could call him anytime if I needed to.

What am I to do? I want my marriage to work for both of us. I want him to be in love with me again. I need his love. He has always done things to show that he loves me, but I want to feel it again sooo badly. I am trying so hard to put this behind us, but whenever I try to get a little affectionate with him, all I get is a small peck on the cheek or a slight hug.

Some help here please!

[SherryL]

JVJKB,

Sorry about your situation.

It hurts and will continue to hurt. It is a rollercoaster ride your are on and will be on for awhile. It does get easier with time.

You are right about this taking time. It will take time, a lot of time and patience.

Keep coming to this board. It helps, it helps a lot. Read other threads, that helps, too.

Get the book Divorce Remedy if you haven't already.

It is okay to cry. Just don't let your H see you cry. Do not beg, plead, or cry in front of your H. Do it while he is gone or on this board. This pushes them away. Believe me I know from personal experience. It does not help.

Your H is not thinking like you and not seeing things the way you do. He is in a completely different place than you right now. You can't even begin to understand it, so don't try. It will drive you crazy. He will do and say things that will hurt. Do not believe what he says and only half of what he does.

Think of some things you could do differently. I know he is the one who has done this, not you. But, honestly look at yourself and see what things you could have done that contributed to the problems in the M. Change those things (180's). Try to act normal and happy around H.

The point is to get H to notice these things and to build that love again. You have to do the work and hopefully one day he will be back in the M with you and in love with you.

Hope this helps.
Sherry

[NYsurvivor]

There is stuff about your relationship that contributed to making him unhappy with it, and where any such fault lies with you, then it behooves you to make improvements in you as a person, for yourself and for your relationship. Your husband has to grow too, but right now he doesn't see that, and doesn't clearly see the role he played in his own unhappiness. After all, it's his marriage too and he was a participant in it and contributed to its down cycle. And when conducting a secret affair, as he was doing, his emotional involvement in the marriage is null, and so without realizing it, he therefore sabotaged it, keeping it in a down cycle.

It's not unusual for spouses who are caught to deny or lie or tell you you're imaging things. Sometimes, even when fully remorseful, it's because they don't want to hurt you with details. They don't understand your need to know, the need to feel that there aren't any more secrets. They may feel guilty as well, and telling you more about their affair hurts them to do so, making them feel guiltier. So, you have to pay close attention to your husband's actions at this time, more than his words, because by his actions you will know if you can trust him. Be prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best.

As crazy as this sounds, as hurt as you are, it's all about him right now, not you. He actually needs more help than you do, and you know how much you're hurting. So don't get wrapped up over him, keep your mind on your well-being. You've also been advised to read through the book and apply it. The newcomers section has some articles you can read as well that should get you on the right path. Take it slowly, have patience. Let us know how it goes.

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Sherry and NYsurvivor, for your responses and kind words. It really helps to know that many others understand my situation and what I'm going through.

I have taken this past week to really evaluate myself and made an effort to see what I need to improve not just for the relationship but also for myself. My H did mention that for a long time he felt that I didn't love him enough. I, of course, thought he was out of his mind. I have always loved him no matter what. But after having the time to go over this and what may have led us to this point, I have some idea of what I may have done wrong. I don't think I thanked him enough for everything he has done for us. He works very hard so that I can be a stay-at-home mom because that is what I wanted. I don't think that's what he wanted, but he was never totally against it. I have always appreciated him, but I don't believe I expressed it nearly enough.

The timing of our 3rd and final child didn't come at the best time for him either. We had talked about having a 3rd child, tried for about 2 months, but then he had some serious health issues, and we decided to put off trying until we were both in much better physical health. But what do you know? I found out I was expecting after we made that decision. He was not thrilled to say the least.

I have been trying my best to act like everything's going to be okay in front of him. I try to act happy and not bothered by anything. He thinks that I have had a "pep talk" with someone because he doesn't understand why I'm acting this way after all that has happened. I haven't talked to anyone about this. I told him that I'm just trying to move on.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will get it.

I mentioned in my original post at that time, he was going to get displays from a friend for work. When he came back home, he said that he had lied. He really went to the mall to get me something personal. Did I mention that he met her at the mall because she works there?

[NYsurvivor]

If you think back, you're going to start to see a pattern in your husband's interactions with you that may suggest the hints and clues you needed to figure out what he wanted from you to be loved. There's another book entitled "The Five Love Languages" that you may find interesting. I'm not trying to sell you books, your library may have a copy or be able to acquire a copy through an inter-library loan. With three kids, you need your money to take care of them.

If you H truly wants to work things out with you, there has to be absolutely no contact with the OW. None. He'll go through a withdrawal. OK, more books, "After Tha Affair" by Sring, and/or "Surviving An Affair." They'll help him and you understand your feelings and what you're both going through. And get to a good MC.

But if he's still seeing her... again, I tell you, watch his actions for what's really going on!

[ValerieA]

Are there specific things I should pay particular attention to? As far as signs that he may still be seeing the OW?

Before I found out, we were always intimate until about the beginning of January. We were intimate once in the first 3 1/2 weeks last month, and I completely felt that he was in a different place. I imagine he was having feelings of guilt.

[optimist]

Two books I found especially helpful in understanding how affairs happen and how the straying spouse feels were "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass and "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. DR is excellent for repairing the R and for practical things on what to do, but the others are good to help you understand what happened and put it in perspective (i.e. it happens a lot and your S is as lost as you are).

Here and here you can see the links.

[ValerieA]

Thank you all so much. I will definitely look into getting these books to buy or from the library.

[NYsurvivor]

Whether he's seeing OP will take investigative work on your part, which means snooping, because affair partners usually deny, lie and tell you you're imagining things ("gaslighting"). But the affair is a symptom, not the problem. So if you want to focus on uncovering an affair, fine, do that. If you want to work on yourself and hopefully your marriage too, regardless if there's an affair or not, do that.

[ValerieA]

I really want to focus on us rather than the affair, no matter how difficult it may be. I don't want to snoop. It was hard enough doing it the first time. We have always respected each other's private space until now (for me at least). Although I know that when his cell phone bill comes next month, I will take a look at it to make sure the calls on his part have stopped when he said they did. The only thing that worries me is that the incoming numbers don't show up. For all I know she may still be calling him especially since he told me that the last few times she called, she was calling from a blocked ID number. I'll hope for the best, but I'll be ready for the worst.