Yes i really do mean that you're patient. Soooooooo patient. You've been at this a long time and are still at it. And your h refers to you as being his ex wife!!! you're an angel. You deserve to do well and I'm sure you will.
Me? I haven't been going a year yet and I'm exahusted with it allllll.
Quote: Me? I haven't been going a year yet and I'm exahusted with it allllll.
Mojo! I hope you haven't keeled over with exhaustion on your keyboard, specifically the 'l' key??
Well after trying to get in touch with the landlord all evening, they seemed to have left their phone off the hook! Anyway, H told me this morning that they arrived with their car full. So that's put paid to our weekend.
H on the phone says, so, do you have any plans for the weekend... I said, well, I did have some plans... and H laughs and says, I'm sorry about that!
H was OK, but still didn't hang around on the phone much. Said his plan for the weekend was no more than to try out three different sorts of tobacco in his new pipe. He has already gotten rid of an earlier pipe he bought, that was all the rage when he bought it. He loves this latest one...
Ok, so I was reading the Jim Conway book. He had a midlife crisis, that seemed to last less than a year. He didn't have an affair or lose his wife, but he evidently thought about doing so. He has councelled others in his role as pastor.
Here's what he says about how a wife can help in midlife (I have pulled out bits I thought particularly helpful) -
Quote: Understanding the problem She should view her husband's midlife crisis as a stage in his developmental process, but not as a kind of flu.... it is not a temporary frustration that he'll shake off in a day or two. He's in a three to five year developmental process, much the same as a teen becoming an adult.
She may feel that a nightmare has somehow intruded into their previously peaceful life... If she doesn't understand the overall crisis, she is likely to believe everything her husband says about her - that his crisis is her fault.
A woman needs to be prepared for the widely vacillating moods her husband will experience. It's like riding a roller coaster - you are sometimes upside down and the person next to you continually vomits all over you. (empahsis mine! ) You want to get off - and you want help. But your husband says, "Leave me alone! I never wanted to get on this ride in the first place! It's all your fault!"
A wife should be prepared to be blamed for her husband's depression and their bad marriage - everything! He may say, "I want to be happy, loved, admired, I want sex, and youth. But I can't have any of these because I am stuck in this stale marriage with you - my elederly, sickly, complaining, nagging wife."
....A wife is going to need a great deal of strength to handle this unrighteous onslaught from her husband as he lists her failures.
...It's easy for a wife to step into a mothering role when she sees her husband hurting... If he identifies her as his mother, he is apt to reject her - because duing his midlife crisis he is looking more for a "girlfriend" than a "mother".
Being attractive Remember that men are more visiual than feelings oriented. It is important during her husband's crisis that his wife work on her physical attractiveness - weight and muscle tone and wardrobe.... Perhaps at no other time in their married life is she so likely to be in competition with other women. It's as if the couple are winning each other all over again. Don't ever use the phrase, "Look, Bubba, you made a vow when we married!" Win him, don't threaten him!
If a wife can swing with the punches and hang on to her sanity, she'll make it though the midlife crisis with her husband. Studies have repeatedly shown that despite their fantasies men are not dashing off to marry young women.
The wife is stronger than she realizes. In our work with thousands of couples we've found that the growing, flexible wife has a very high probability of not only keeping her husband, but having a stronger marriage.
Learning to help ...find out what it is all about.... be patient.... don't reproach him..... be an angel...
He doesn't like to be alone but he doesn't know how to share the pain he is feeling. A woman can help her husband durng this time by building his self image, reminding him of the areas in which he is successful. He may outwardly reject her attempts.... but her encouragment will help to maintain his self-esteem....
Encourage him to attempt new areas of growth - career alternatives, more study, training, new skills etc...
There are times when a man wants to be alone and simply stare out of the window. Those times, especially during the depression and withdrawal phrases of the crisis, are important and positive for the recovery. A wife whould allow him those experiences.
I think he is pretty much on the money.
I was in completely blissful ignorance when this whole thing started. If I had known then what I know now, who knows how different things might have been.
Talk about being in competition with other women - H used to constantly make remarks about how wonderful OW1 was when we were still together. Even about stuff like cooking, which is weird, as I am a pretty good cook, no false modesty here. And clothes. OW1 is NOT a good dresser, and that struck me as odd!! At the bomb, while H was telling me that OW1 had nothing to do with his decision, he at the same time told me that I was more beautful than her, which immediatley told me something, as I had not even asked for his opinion.
So I guess I have to plug on with the validation and being attractive!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Aw heck LNL...sorry your weekend with H didn't pan out. Hopefully he'll be quick to invite you up again
Yeah...that MLC stuff is right on the money if you ask me. I wish i would have known some of it too Of course, I didn't expect my H to have his MLC as early as he did either. It says a lot about the pressures and stresses that are on people nowadays when you start seeing MLC'ers in their late 20's and early 30's
A question...do you think your H overly avails himself of his landlord's kindness? It seems that he relies on them quite heavily in his interactions with you and D. I wonder if he uses them and their availability as a sort of buffer?
Your H seems to be on somewhat of an upswing right now...I surely do hope that he stays there for awhile I like the positive tone of your posts right ow :D
Regrds, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Quote: A question...do you think your H overly avails himself of his landlord's kindness? It seems that he relies on them quite heavily in his interactions with you and D. I wonder if he uses them and their availability as a sort of buffer?
Let me explain. H lives up in the hills in a pretty isolated place, a few houses, literally, in a group. The nearest village/town is about six to seven kilometres away, uphill. The bus service to and from our city is very infrequent (only twice on a Sunday, for instance) and stops only in this town, so you then have to walk down to his place. It is a narrow mountain road with no street lighting. Neither of us has a car, never have had. His landlord goes up most weekends from the city, and they are happy to give D or H a lift, if there is space. But as far as I know, they have never gone out of their way to accomoadate H or D beyond what they were planning on doing anyway, which is fair enough. They are also rather changeable in their plans, which can make life difficult.
H was the one who decided to live up there the week after the bomb. I think he thought it was just a summer arrangement, somehwere cheap to be with OW1 etc. He was shocked to find that he had to pay for D's and my support, so his spending is very cramped.
We have a legal separation agreement in place now, for the past year, but he still has to pay out a fair bit. Don't know when he will move nearer or to the city.
I feel H is in withdrawal, strangely, as he doesn't share much with me, doesn't stay on the phone long, yet is sort of friendly enough, and this invite was out of the blue, for me. I wasn't expecting it. He still tends to use D as the reason he is doing anything. Which of course may be the case.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Here's something that I have come across frequently too.
The resilient child - one who has survived a childhood of abuse, chaos, or where neither parent connected with them emotionally - often experience midlife crisis with particular force. This is true of my H. Both his parents were completely distant, not just a little bit. I honestly thought he had got over this, as he himself informed me at the start of the marriage, but evidently this was not the case, as he brought up his father in one of his recent emails!
And I also read that the women who typically get involved in affairs with married men are needy and had abusive childhoods, which I can confirm is the case with both OW.
And so?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: The place your h lives sounds idylic but not practical.
Was this an ambition for him/you? Or is it a part of his MLC?
Most people around here have a place of some sort in the hills, a second home or a flat on rent, whatever, if they can afford it. It would be great to have that place as a weekend retreat and to spend some time during the summer months which get very hot and muggy down on the plain.
But without a car, and staying there all winter, is no fun really. And he is on his own as well, so very lonely.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have spent most of January either depressed or just mulling. I have decided that I need to get the bull by the horns and get on with my life in real time. I need to limit my time on these boards too. On the computer in general.
So that's my one big goal - to move ahead with my goals and cut down on just thinking about them!
Goals from last year I haven't achieved yet -
Be fluent in local language
Be economically independent and comfortable
Get my two projects out in the light of day and earning me some money
Get house sorted and not still with that 'just moved in' look!
Get my driving license sorted out and get a car later this year. (My license is from another country and I haven't driven much since I passed my test twelve years ago)
Reach target weight (in fact I have put on a little weight these past two weeks with uncontrolled eating, in front of this computer )
Today D and I are going out for a walk or outing with the guy who keeps inviting me out. I don't know quite why I agreed to go today, after a whole year, but I thought I needed to be more sociable. If things go OK, then I will accept another invitation, if I feel uncomfortable, I won't. Also plan to clean the house and sort out my goals into doable chunks.
Oh, and another blind broke so there's more repair work up a ladder to do!
On the bright side, D has finished all her weekend homework already!
Livnlearn
PS I just noticed that there is no mention of H in this post.... does that say something?
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - I think your focus on your goals sounds great.
Now, I know one of my failings is setting big goals and then not actually accomplishing them because I don't break them down into little, doable steps. I find when I use this technique, I am far more successful. So, with that in mind, let's take a second look at those goals:
Quote: Be fluent in local language So - how will you accomplish this? Join a class, set up a homestudy program, use a computer program, hire a tutor, barter something for private lessons? What's the first step? Be economically independent and comfortable Okay, that's a big one. And one that may require some thinking outside the box. Things to consider are: - getting a raise (in your case, that would mean raising your lesson fees) - getting a new job - getting an additional part-time job(is there a market there for dog-walking or weekend babysitting - activities you could include your D in?) - start a business - are there local items you could sell on E-bay at a profit? - get a roommate to share expenses - cut your expenses so you can live on less income Get my two projects out in the light of day and earning me some money What's the first step here? Get house sorted and not still with that 'just moved in' look! Have you been to the Flylady website yet? Get my driving license sorted out and get a car later this year. (My license is from another country and I haven't driven much since I passed my test twelve years ago) Do you have a friend who will take you out driving? What paperwork do you need to sort out your license? Set an appointment to take care of this. Reach target weight (in fact I have put on a little weight these past two weeks with uncontrolled eating, in front of this computer ) Oh, yeah, tell me about this one What has worked for you in the past? How are you going to increase your exercise? Have you ever tried weight training?
Hope you had a lovely hike today. This guy must be really interested if he keeps pursuing - what's he like?
Just came back from our walk. It was quite pleasant, except for D saying she didn't want to go for a walk before it, and during it, and then saying she didn't enjoy herself afterwards. Sorry, but she has to learn to do things that others want to do once in a while.
We saw the beautiful sight of five wild dear galloping (is that what they do?) away from us across the open fields. The first time I have ever seen wild deer around here. Boy, they can certainly cover the ground!
The guy is MUCH much older than me and is NOT a romantic interest. He is very decent and kind, but I don't find him particularly intersting, I have to say. But I did get to practice my language skills.
As for the goals breakdown, I will have to think about that and get back to you. Lots of work there.
The main problem is that in this country my options for work are very limited. Ellie, you know where I live and you may be surprised to hear me say that, but it's true, especially for expats here. This country is a wonderful tourist destination, but it's a different matter entirely living here. And if I DO get a fixed job, it will completely stop me from finishing my big project, that I am so far along with already, because it involves travel away.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I said, well, I did have some plans... and H laughs and says, I'm sorry about that!
) You want to get off - and you want help. But your husband says, "Leave me alone! I never wanted to get on this ride in the first place! It's all your fault!"
Of course, I didn't expect my H to have his MLC as early as he did either. It says a lot about the pressures and stresses that are on people nowadays when you start seeing MLC'ers in their late 20's and early 30's 
:D
What has worked for you in the past? How are you going to increase your exercise? Have you ever tried weight training?