Hi Tag.....thanks. I will chalk it up to a stupid statement. I am sure I am not immune to making stupid statements myself.
I read up on your sitch and it sounds really tough. Detachment isn't easy, distance or no distance. It is also something that has to be done for YOU and no one else. And you're right, your W may not talk a lot anymore, but she is talking. Look at that......finding your own positives!
Things seem to still be going good. We talked the other night about the D issue. He still stands his ground on not wanting it. I told him that the fact that we both still care for other people, to me, is a reason why we should go through with the D. I asked him when people get married, aren't they usually 100% for eachother....with no other feelings towards anyone? Isn't that what marriage is about? He basically said that he knows what he did was wrong, he knows I didn't deserve it. He should have stayed here and tried to work things out with me instead of jumping into a R and giving that all he had. That he loves me, and I seem to be scared that he is going to up and leave again. Well, seeing as how it happened once, I told him I would be naive to think it couldn't happen again. He told me this feels right to him, he knows where he belongs....and that we are together, we should be together..and we should be married. Somehow, that conversation didn't do much for swaying me. I am still just as undecided now as I was then. I have a deadline on the postponement and it's coming up in the next few weeks.
Sometimes I think I am making a bigger deal out of this then it has to be. It's a simple as staying married or not. I mean, isn't that what most of us are here for???? To save our marriages from ending in D?? Then I wonder what the heck is wrong with me??? LOL.........
Ok, just had to vent that.
Tag- I hope you had a safe trip home. Thanks for your insight on my situation. I have read your sitch and I am trying to find the right words to post what I want to say.
Penngirl---thanks for the visit to my thread, not many people post to me...guess I'm feeling sorry for myself today!
My initial reaction when I read your post about divorcing or not was that I wouldn't....of course I am not in your shoes and it is always easier as an outsider looking in. If I were you I would ask myself this question...
In the big picture what is more important??? Your H and your M? Or a monetary investment???
What will happen to your future if you don't get this property? What will the future of your R be if you do??
Just my 2cents...but my H would rather risk his life to make $$ in Iraq...if he dies at least his family will be financially secure?????
I know it's a tough decision and one that ultimately you have to make on your own.
Unsure......you pose some pretty good questions. To answer them honestly....yes, my H and M are more important then an investment.
If I don't get this property, or others, my future will be a little less "financially stable" when it is time to retire. These properties were for my retirement, and then to pass on to my kids.I don't think the future of my R would change whether I got them or not.Thankfully, money was never an issue with us. Not that we're rich, but we don't live an extravagent life either.
It isn't an easy decision, but I know it's one that only I can make. We are only a week and a day away from our anniversary. It would be nice to have a solid answer for myself (and him) before then.
Thanks again for stopping by. I do appreciate any input on my situation.
Have you asked your H how he really feels about it? You can always get re-married if you choose to D now. My H would say to buy the property because he is definitely more $$ focused than I am.
pennygirl, I'm back in the USA. Went to dinner and a movie with W last night.It was pleasant, lack the emotion of past dinners where W focused on all the past. But, she seems distant. Sheseems now to have wrapped herself in our D15's life maybe even living vicariously through her? Anyway afer all my traveling, she couldn't find the time to meet with C. Our last visit was December 2nd. We are spending time today and tomorrow. W arranged auditions for D15 today and tomorrow. Your post sounds like you are on the fence, mad & hurt by H's past behavior but also cconsidering Reconciling. I've got the part about giving this Rlationship time but I keep wondering if this R will reconcile. C is surprised this has not moved toward Reconciliation. Your thoughts? What's your frame of mind?
Unsure- I have talked to H about he feels about it and he stands firm that he wants to remain married. He says it is ny decision to make, and he understands if I let it go through. He will still be hurt by it though.
Tag- Glad to hear that you made it back safely. As far as your W goes, it seems to me like she isn't sure what she wants. I get the impression that her mind is changing daily on this issue. As far as her focusing her time and energy into your D, maybe she feels as if it takes some pressure off her and working on/thinking about the M and reconciling. Just my two cents.
As far as being on the fence, I am. I am not still angry at his past actions, I have been able to forgive. Hurt, yes, but I think that will take a little more time. I want this reconciliation, and we are working on it. I think that by thinking we weren't married anymore it served as a "safety net" of sorts. Now that I know we are still married, I feel like my safety net is gone. Top that off with the fact that I am on a deadline for a decision and it just makes it a little stressful. I know I am over-analyzing this thing and thinking it to death. That's what I do sometimes, it is something that I am still working on.
H and I went out Friday to a restaurant that we usually go every year for our anniversary. It was nice to be there with him. We had a great time and enjoyed each other's company. We did a little shopping and came home and watched a movie. All in all it was a great night.
Penngirl just catching your thread. It sounds like you're really struggling with this decision and it isn't about the property. Just from reading your sitch through I get the feeling that you are still in shock about still being married, but you have already made your decision to work on the M. The rest is just paperwork. There is passion in your posts when you talk about your M. Both of you are giving up OP to make this work. I'm know I'm making this more simple than it is, but you said that you over analyze and frankly so do I, so I thought I'd try a simple way to look at it.
It would be nice if you were married while you were working on your M. Have you run through your head what you think might be the atmosphere in the house in each of the scenarios? I know your H said he would understand, but try to picture what you think both of your behaviors would be in each situation and think about each of them for awhile. Hopefully some quiet reflection will help you see more clearly what you want to do.
My best to you and I'll look forward to hearing more.
Just re-reading your post---Is it possible that your H is afraid that if you go through with the D that you will decide it was the right thing to do and NOT want to reconcile?? Just thinking out loud...
Geneva- Thanks for dropping by my thread. As far as the atmosphere goes....this Friday is our anniversary and that in and of itself is causing some tension. I think that the fact that I haven't made a decision makes it bitter sweet, as it could possibly be our last though we are still together. And yes, I am definitely still in shock that I am stilll married. Wasn't what I expected to hear from the lawyer at all. Although, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and there was a reason it never got finalized. Yup, LOL..that's me still over analyzing!! So all in all I would say that if I let it go through, H may be a little hostile towards me because he is hurt. If I stop it, he will be happier and want to work harder on making this work. Kind of answers my own questions here.
Unsure- anything is possible at this point. I think the main thing is that I haven't yet made a decision. I am sure he is thinking that if I wanted to stay married to him, I shouldn't have to think about it, I would want it.(I know I shouldn't be ASSuming anything) Oh, and btw...glad to read that "letting things happen naturally" worked out well for you
