Our separation lasted for 2 months. We spoke on the phone during the time and after a few weeks we started dating each other on the weekends. I'm 34 and my W is 30. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs and together for 3 yrs. My W came back in Oct. and has been back for almost 3 months. I just found this board last week.
My W left because I was depressed and there was some verbal abuse involved when I drank. She also felt neglected and I lost interest in sex.
Right now the only the problem we still face is intimacy and affection. My W has been trying for get those feelings back for me - I think that she has been putting pressure on herself. She says that she still loves me but the intimacy feelings are not coming natural for her? She told me that she is very proud of the changes I have made - saw a C for depression and quit drinking. Other than the intimacy we get along very well and she told me that I am her best friend and does not want to loose her best friend.
I need some advice on how to help her. We have had sex since she returned but I know that her heart is not into right now. Last week she asked me if we could take a few weeks off from sex and see she if she wanted initiate it. I have not asked her for sex since then. Are there any reading materials or anything else that help a person get over the past and deal with her intimacy? If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really appreciate any advice - I would be happy to offer insight to someone that is dealing with a depressed H. I continue to show her affection and doubt that it would be good for me to stop it. I love my W very much but really need some direction on how to help our M at this point.
Sounds to me like you need to figure out what her LL is. Have you read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You may not be meeting her emotional needs in the way that works best for her.
Also...take it one step at time. One day at a time. It's a long process, but well worth the patience.
Actually she read the 5LL book after we got married and tried to get me interested in it. At the time I really did not think that it was important - pretty stupid. I have read the book since and know that her LL is words of affirmation. I think that I am doing a good job of giving her what she needs now while trying to not add any pressure.
I ordered one of the DVD's sets from here so maybe that will help. Sometimes I think that she is expecting too much from her own feelings toward me - if that makes sense.
Dawg, I would encourage you to (if you haven't already) normalize your W's feelings (or lack of feelings). If you can reassure her that it is very understandable that her feelings could take a while to return, then you might be able to help her reduce her self-imposed pressure to have sexual feelings for you - which could actually help them come back sooner.
Sometimes people just need to be reassured that their feelings are OK. Her lack of sexual feeling does not mean she does not love you, nor does it mean she will not regain the attraction. This can be a very normal response in any R at certain times - help her see that, OK? Your understanding and ressurance (and giving her space as you already have planned) could help a lot at this point. (And if you are already doing this - great for you!!)
And if I were to give you really bad DB advice , then I'd encourage you to point out as often as possible, how very, very worried you are about her lack of sexual feelings. That you're even wondering if your M has any hope if she continues to feel that way. Now, that would be extremely bad advice on my part and very unproductive responses on your part, right? So, that's under the "don't do" category.
You've got some good pieces to build on - put a bit of patience with that and continue to enjoy each other step by step. You have my support,
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Thanks for your reply. We had a few talks this weekend and they didn't really go well for me. I am planner and right now it seems as though we don't have any sort of plan. During our talks this weekend she said that in her other relationships she has never been able to fall back in love with someone after the feeling is gone. She seems distant and cold at times. She knows that this is taking a toll on me and it hurts her.
She also metioned that sometimes she feels like she needs space - I get the feeling that by showing her affection or doing helpful things for her it makes her feel bad.
She is also a somewhat closed minded person. We started watching the marriage breakthrough DVD's this weekend and she said that is did not present anything new.
I guess for now I just have to be strong and patient with her but it is hard when we spend alot of time together. I need reassurance but she can't really offer any right now. I need to stop all R talks unless she wants to talk. It is so easy to type what you need to do but much harder to follow through with it. It is really hard to see any positives now for us???
I also ordered the KLA DVD's - do you think it would be better to watch them at this stage then the marriage breakthrough ones? Thanks so much for your help.
I think the tapes are really going to pressure her. She has come home. That says a lot. You say that things are bad when you spend too much time together. That is a clue.
Are you doing the basic db steps and getting a life? Give her room and let her wonder about the new things that you begin in your life. I just get a sense that you are in heavy pursuit with her so present in your home.
Ease up. Focus on youself and start doing things differently than you were doing them pre-bomb. Give her some time to observe you as a different, vibrant, compelling creature she wants to SLOWLY get to know.
Hang in there. There is a lot of promise in your situation. Let her lead. In the meantime, get a life.
I am sticking to the changes that I made when she left. 1. I quit drinking and saw a C for what the C termed minor depression. 2. I don't get mad at her and am positive, help around the house and show affection 3. Started lifting weights again
I have been very affectionate with her since her return because she said that was one of the reasons she left in the first place but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do now? It is hard because all I want to do is help her becasue I know she is hurting. I tend to look at it like I got us into this mess and I need to be the one to get us out. If I stop being affectionate then I think she will view it as I have given up or things are going back to how they were before? Maybe I should just back off some?
She says that she is not angry with me anymore but when we discuss things she gets defensive at times. She is also more of a day to day person where I tend to look more at the big picture and the future.
I guess my new goals should be:
1. No R talks unless she wants to 2. Hold off on the DVD's until she is ready 3. Always be happy and upbeat around her - confident in myself and our M
You really do need to back off. I'm sure the affection you are showing is coming across as pressure for her. Give the words of affirmation instead for now. Although you have done good at achieving and maintaining your goals, are there things that you could be doing outside the home. Something to bring conversation and interest into your relationship. I truly believe that spending too much time together is the end all of of most of relation ships. If you've read DR, you know to do less of what doesn't work and more of what does. You need to find what DOES work because you're not getting positive results with what you are currently doing now. Give her time and be light and unpressuring and unpursuing.
I plan backing off starting tonight - I guess that I kind of knew that already - but just needed some other people's opinions. We have alot of commons interests and enjoy spending time together but I will try to give her more space in the evenings after we both get home from work. It seemed like everything was really progressing well until after the holidays - I guess my wife is still unsure and little confused with her feelings. She needs time and some space to sort them out for herself.
, then I'd encourage you to point out as often as possible, how very, very worried you are about her lack of sexual feelings. That you're even wondering if your M has any hope if she continues to feel that way. Now, that would be extremely bad advice on my part and very unproductive responses on your part, right? So, that's under the "don't do" category.