Sally, I hope everything turned out ok with your little boy being there alone today.
I wanted you to know that this is NOT about your body.
Your H likes the attention and admiration of the young ladies there. He is convincing himself that he deserves this, for whatever reason. This is all about him.
Have you ever been to a club? The girls are not all that attractive, at least in my area. It has to be a VERY upscale place in order for them to be able to snare in any decent looking girls. The ones around here are skinny desperate looking creatures and it amazes me that people pay for that.
At any rate, please please do not make his idiotic choices about you. He is trying to fill a void in his soul by lapping up their attention.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are beautiful, inside and out. Your figure is just fine and I'm sure it has its battle scars from kids and life--just as mine does.
Stand proud, Sally. You did the right thing by letting him know you were there.
Just out of curiosity....why didn't you just walk into the club and look him straight in the eye. You wouldn't have to make a scene, wouldn't have to say a word...just let him see you watching him...BUSTED! Then walk out...no words would have to be exchanged at that time.
I like the way you did handle it BTW, just curious what kept you from going in.
Also...I want to chime in with Honeypot....this isn't about YOU and your appearance. This is about an addiction he has and the attention he receives from those women at the club. And like she said...w/the exception of just a couple of places around here....the women aren't very attractive.
Let's see, if I can answer all the questions at once...I didn't go into the club because I was too upset, not capable of the cool stare, and also too rumpled and wrinkled from work to make a real statement, you know if I could roll in looking like a million bucks, that would be different. And I have been in a club before once, my friend was all bummed about her future husband being there (different place, many years ago) for a bachelor party, so I just dragged her in just to give the guy a scare. My H was there too, actually, but I didn't care about stuff like that, it's a whole different situation and it was 20 years ago.
And as far as the girls being hot...I think this place is fairly upscale, I know the girls make good money, and yeah, it's about the attention and the kind of money he was dropping at one point he must have gotten treated REAL well.
So anyway, first of all, thanks to everyone for all the supportl. H did come home right after I posted that last message, so no problems with son being home alone.
He comes in with a big smile on his face...and I didn't say a word until he brought it up. What he said was "I knew you would show up, I went there just to test you" (I should include a disclaimer at this point to let you know that I see through anything he says just like you do).
He goes on about how he knew I was following him, and the best way to make sure he does something is to tell him NOT to do it...and how I'm trying to control him.
Which pretty much gave me my moment. Which was, more or less "OK, you win, you've gotten me to the point where I don't care. If you want to continue, then move out, you can go there all you want" and "you think this is a game, but if you knew how bad your behavior hurt me, you wouldn't do it" and "You may not care about me anymore, and you may think it's ok to continue to treat me this way, but no matter what you feel, in *my heart* you are still my husband and it hurts me too much to watch this self destructive cycle start over again"
He essentially asked me again what I wanted from him and I told him the same thing I always do, I want your companionship. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said "I want you to lose weight" I didn't say anything at all for quite awhile...I just waited. And then I said "is that all?" and he said "yes" I asked if he thought that would solve all our problems and he said "no"
and yeah, while that sounds like a horrible thing for him to say to me, I can respect the fact that at least he said it...I know he's been thinking it. I really didn't dwell on it much, and I will discuss that topic with him at another time.
So anyway, from that point we discussed some other minor relationship/kid stuff and then he sort of tried to make up with me, pretend like this wasn't a big deal, but I reiterated the "I can't live with you going to that place" comment, and here's the biggie, cuz its the first time it's ever happened:
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T GO ANYMORE
which was enough of a concession for me to give in and give it one more try. I still feel very weak and fragile. It's 2PM the next day and I am still feeling physically sorta shakey.
And I know you can look at what he said and pick it apart bit by bit. I don't think he's really facing what the big issues are with him. He's blaming any of his sexual problems on my big arse But at least I feel like maybe he has realized that he still wants me around.
And one thing I need to really think about is: how much of this stuff he's pulling is just games that he's playing to manipulate me. Because he's quite capable of that.
So, for now, I'm just hoping to have a semi relaxing long weekend. I don't know if he realizes how close I am to giving it up. I think maybe he thinks I am just saying that I don't want him anymore to manipulate him. I don't say things I don't mean.
Wish me luck...
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
But at least I feel like maybe he has realized that he still wants me around.