Hm, that's still more room to work in than I have (I got none actually). I would say that if she wants to keep the options open and if one of the options is to be with you then you need to be able to have equal oportunity in it. You need to be informed and make educated decision if her option is yours as well. Say that if she chose the option that includes you then there will be much better chance to have it work if you were not doubting her and assuming things that might be worse than actually occured. Take it from there and let us know what happened.
I really feel like I am just a "backup plan" on the back burner. I think the whole options open is just a way of being kept at arms length while she goes out and plays.
About 4 months ago both of our respective leases expired and I was looking for a 3/2 apt so we could work on rebuilding our relationship slowly but we would at least be doing it together and raising our son in a better fashion.
I told her that with my job she would be able to go back to school and work only parttime if she wanted to and she could concentrate on her schooling.
She elected to re-new her lease for another year in her own 1/1 cause she wanted to be on her own, party and do her own thing, but she still says she needs me. ????
She knows deep down I want us to work and I do believe in us, afterall we shared 9 years growing up together with each other. I do love her dearly, I just want to spend a little more US time and rebuilding what we have rather than the opposite, however it takes 2.
It's interesting how I can give someone an advice but when I look at my situation (H wants D, doesn't even consider working on M, already has OW and we're not even separated) I can't take that advice myself. I have been told that my H is doing things that he is doing to keep me as a back up plan in case his A doesn't work out....well...that's the most pesimistic point of view. Truth is that we have been hurt by our WAS and therefore we don't expect them to have any positive actions towards us unless they come out and say "I WANT TO WORK ON THIS M WITH YOU". Problem is that they are scared to do it because if it doesn't work out they just put their guard down and they got hurt again. After all they became the way they are now because something went wrong in the M - they got so emotionally wrapped around it that they are afraid to return to the enviroment (read you and them as one) out of fear that nothing has changed and they just employed all that energy to do something about it! It's like fear of flying - you don't want to get on that plane!
I'm going to talk to the coach tomorrow and hopefully I'll get the attitude of PMA, acting AS IF and believing in it - what's the worst that can happen? They will leave for good - but that's what is going to happen if we don't do anything about it! What's the best? They will stay and the life will be great! What's the middle ground? Maybe friendship? Regardless of outcome on their end, on our end we will always win - we will alway become better version of us so that life can only get better from now on.
hey, now you sound a little better than before. I even felt a little better too! Let me know how it goes with the coach. I too have been feeling extra down this week (it is b-day and our anniversary on the 9th). This is pitiful, that I would even accept a text message as a good thing right now. Think I am also just extra lonely this week, and missing hugs and kisses from H.
hate to tell you this Hunter, but the "new rule" out there is it IS ok to date while seperated. I do not feel this is right, but it is being done. I also asked questions of my H when he was still here about his "friendship" with OW, and at first he was ok about it, but the closer it was for his time to move out, the more I heard how it was none of my business. As for getting a room on New Years and seeing what happens, either make up your mind to have a good time with her and possibly turn this thing around, or find out some other way if she is having an A. Hotel room, alcohol, and holiday that hinges on a promising kiss at midnight can be an explosive situation. And expensive. And wouldn't you feel even worse if you went to all that trouble and expense and when the intimate moment came she rejects you? This whole thing has enough pain associated with it, don't make it harder on yourself. Is it possible that doing a night out for New Years can turn this into a positive? This may be a chance for you to DB and if OM does not really exsist, or is just a starting point, you can wipe him out if you start right now...
I discovered that I was a champion at snuffing my own feelings of anger and frustration. I turned all my disappointments and frustrations inward, and as a result became detached.
As a result, I was no longer able to respond sexually to my husband. As a result of THAT, he stopped loving me.
All of that in order to avoid conflict. It was definately not worth it.
When we first seperated and she was going thru emotional turmoil her words were completely opposite of the way I knew her, saying things like "its not cheating when your seperated", "sex is natural, even dogs do it". One day I got a marked private text message saying "you better watch your wife, she's having an affair with a co-worker" I confronted her about this and she got very hostile towards work but not towards me. She did say "who i'm F***in is my own business"
I think she did have an affair briefly because of all the emotions she was going thru and 1 day I called her home and her roomie said "she's not here, she's probably out sowing her wild oats"
I asked her about this and she got real upset at her roomie.
How should I approach her and let her know that even if she did I don't see why it should make us end up in divorce, I want her to know that I am not going to hold it over her if we get back together, she thinks I will but honestly I wont.
After reading your posts it seems very likely that your wife is having an affair. What you posted about her renewing her lease is also a good indication that she is probably wanting to continue her life style. You mentioned something about being the "back burner" plan and I think you are completely right about this one. If I was you (and I am not) I would working on doing my own thing and get going on improving my own situation. I bet you could find someone who cares about you for who you are and is not keeping you in their back pocket as some kind of backup incase everything else fails. Going through life being the reserve parachute is not going to be any fun and that can lead to all kinds of problems in and of itself for you. So try going dark or doing a 180 (not totally familiar with these terms that people use on the boards but they make sense). Also giving her a pass on the affair thing may just give her license to do it again and again and again.
And wouldn't you feel even worse if you went to all that trouble and expense and when the intimate moment came she rejects you? This whole thing has enough pain associated with it, don't make it harder on yourself. Is it possible that doing a night out for New Years can turn this into a positive? This may be a chance for you to DB and if OM does not really exsist, or is just a starting point, you can wipe him out if you start right now...