(((((HUGS))))) Hope you are feeling much better today. The sun is out and it is 75 gorgeous degrees outside. Nothing like a nice day to chase away the blues. It is hard to do what you are doing, having three people in a M. I don't have any words of advice for you. Only the Lord can heal you and heal your H.
I have a window in my office, my computer faces the wall and you reminded me that I needed to enjoy the view...it's a beautiful fall day here as well.
My dear friend Laurie wrote this:
Quote: Your husband had to face reality this week. Something you yourself have not had to face about yourself. He literally had to look death in the
face and face the real possibility about his own mortality this week. He isn't finished yet either because he is not going to find out any results until Monday. His world is caving in on him.
After the surgery, out of recovery and back in his room I entered the world of a man in pain, a physical and mental pain I have never witnessed before in my H. It was unbearable, yet I would not/could not leave his side.
I wish I could put into words the emotions, the feelings, the unbeleivable drama of this week. Everything has changed yet it hasn't, maybe it's just me I don't know. There's a bit of everything mixed in and moving forward I have no vision, my mind is confused, blurred and mixed up.
Well Satan is throwing the big stuff at me this last week. Sitting in my living room is a candy bouquet from OW, in the bathroom a magazine with H’s name, but OW’s address and then yesterday H told me he borrowed the trailer he BOUGHT (clueless because it’s been sitting in our yard for a few weeks and was not told it had been purchased from my brother’s store) to OW so that she could take her 4-wheeler into be worked on. From what I can figure he did this on Friday, he told me he took it to her work which means S4 was with him.
Saturday H did his own thing. I golfed with my friend P and S4 came along and he did really well considering we were out there about two hours, watched the football game at the golf club, came home and about 9ish, H rolls in from who knows where.
Yesterday, we bought a new tree stand with safety belt and a ladder vs. pegs in the side of the tree. On the way to land, H told me about the trailer, out of the blue, that he was helping her out, he said he did nice things for OW and he does nice things for me like putting up my treestand. I started getting pissy, but conceded, too much energy to rebel, and said that he was a very generous person. At first he thought I was being sarcastic, but I said no I mean it you are very generous and OW is very generous and giving. In my mind I'm thinking if you like a person who can meet your every need than yes she is great that way, I know I cannot be that generous and giving as I have a child, my job and other interests, my life cannot be devoted to a single person and that's okay.
He put up my tree stand, I helped and while standing there thought back over the years and really admire H for being the thoughtful, helpful person he is. It was hard work putting that stand up and in my mind I thought I would be regretting it if it caused H to backslide after his surgery. He does go out of his way for me and SS-soon to be 21! and S-soon to be 5!, even though he would never admit he actually cared about us, admitted he is a generous person. He’d rather gripe and complain about how ungrateful everyone is and then turn around and give the shirt off his back to the person in need.
There is a lot going through my mind these days, I'm being led to believe that OW is more of an emotional A than a physical A at this point. OW isn’t feeling like the threat she was a few months ago, OW has no one and my H is her someone, wants to do everything for H behind his back usually and without asking H if he wants the help. And she was there for H when he needed someone, when she needed someone H was there for her, they kept each other propped up. But now I think it's time for OW to stand on her own two feet and maybe in a way H is helping her, I don't know. Time will tell.
H is a really a nice guy, a generous thoughtful caring guy. He still has a lot of anger in him, saw it this weekend. His cellphone went out on him and he threw it on the seat in the truck other bits of anger here and there, anger about nothing really. This might be H’s way of dealing with his pain, with his guilt, I don’t take it personally anymore, don’t like the anger coming from him, but I can’t do anything about it either.
Haven't received final results from biopsy as of right now, keep praying.
I thought I’d post an update. Test results came back negative for cancer, but positive for the disease they had diagnosed.
My H is still off work this week and left Monday afternoon for the northwoods to fish. I have spoke with him briefly Monday evening and Tuesday evening otherwise he is missing in action.
An uncle of H’s passed away this week from cancer. The funeral is tomorrow and I will be attending with my H.
I have taken candy bar bouquet OW sent to H while in the hospital, dismantled it and put candybars in H’s lunchbox. I have to say this kind of gift to a soon to be 50 year old man leaves me a little puzzled and the note included just said “take care.”
When I saw in your post where you said: "I'm led to beleive the A is more of a EA than a PA........" and the thing about his anger.."throwing the cell phone etc."
It would seem H might be displeased with himself these days.....medical conditions compound all these feelings and you are very wise to not take this personally.
You can be assured that this is not about you.
I just read something over in MLC bb, from M Go Blue....I think may shed some light on his feelings about OW......that you could benefit from. His post is under "MLC, Receipe for Sucess,.page 5-6".
That OW is needy...this I'm sure you already know. And for a while there, your H was probably feeling pretty needy too, even if he didn't express this to you. That may have been some of what drew them together and now when he's feeling needy....he has to find other ways to get his needs met. And they don't include HER.
This can be very confusing for them, and patience while they sort it out is key. If you get a chance , maybe you can wander over and read through M go Blues threads...they are filled with insights that I am finding helpful.
Oh yeah, and what KIND OF A PERSON sends CANDY!!!! to a recovering patient!!! OMG!!!
"Take Care" !!!!!!!!!!!!! What does she hope?? That he will eat all that junk and feel better!!!!??????????
Thanks for point me to MGoBlue's thread. I read it yesterday, went back today and read it differently, I understand completely whereas yesterday they were just words.
For a time I was delving into myself and what brought me to this point in my life, looking back into my childhood, and going forward from high school. I find myself now looking back at H’s childhood and going forward from high school and the view is totally different then it was a year ago. This is all based on things H has told me over the years, I am now going back and looking at everything again. I haven’t gotten to our dating/marriage yet. More recently he has been giving me more, an old girlfriend from high school was brought up while we were in the hospital, that I knew nothing about. Before his biopsy he told me that for six months he worked at a place in Colorado that manufactured Agent Orange, which I never knew about. It’s like I’m getting to know him all over again by going backwards, if that makes sense.
H has been running all his life and something my SIL told me about H years ago is like a neon light. We were talking about money and SIL mentioned that since H was 12 if he had money, he’d spend it as fast as he could. Since about the time H turned 40 he has been spending money as fast as he makes it. On some days he does act like a teenager, but now I’m thinking it’s more like a 12 year old. H also had a tremendous growth spurt when he was 12, he was six feet tall!
I believe this man has been hiding his true self for years. I believe that nobody has ever REALLY known H and that something happened way back while he was growing up. H is on a journey to find his true self, his adult self, he is trying to grow up. Yes I know it’s part of MLC, my putting here it means I am acknowledging it in my mind and accepting him as he is for now. It’s a new revelation for me. I am viewing this situation without all the emotion, looking at my H as this person I never got to know. I compare it to a puzzle at this point, I have all the outside pieces, my H has the inside pieces. He has given me some inside pieces, but I believe many are missing. Until he opens up to me the puzzle will remain unfinished.
I am sure there will be more revealed to me in the coming weeks. The last time things were shown to me was while H was away on his hunting trip, H is currently on a fishing trip and I have now been shown more. This leads me to beleive and accept that H also needs the time to find his answers and he needs to be alone without distractions, he needs to come through this on his own.
God does listen to prayers and God answers prayers, in his timing.
I was just having a conversation with my H not too long ago, it kind of went like this:
H: Why did you tear the address off of my magazine (addressed to H at OW's) I said I didn't want to see it, why do have a subscription that started in February when you had moved out of OW's. H: She has lots of my stuff there and it takes awhile for the subscription to start (ordered it before he moved out obviously)and I'm thinking why did you have to point THAT out Me: I tore it off becuase it's in my house H: You're right it is your house, I'm moving out. H: I keep telling myself I'm moving out and then I don't. (HE says he's moving, but doesn't say to OW's and this has been a standard line of my H's for YEARS, when he cannot deal with reality--I'm moving out) Me: I know (it's not like it's the first time I've neard it) H: I tell OW to find someone else, someone without a kid and she still calls me. Me: Well you must not be saying it strong enough (why does he continue to take her calls, whatever, excuses, excuses)
I'm enough detached at this point (finally!) that conversations like this don't even bother me anymore, words and words only. His actions speak differently.
We were at a funeral yesterday and he mentioned that some peole asked who I was and that his two cousins had never met me. I asked him why he didn't introduce me and he said "you didn't come over by me" to which I replied "if you wanted to introduce me you could have come and got me and/or told your cousins I'm going to get my wife, I'd like you to meet her" so obviously YOU didn't want me to meet them. I know this isn't true, but he was trying to make it my fault. So H TRIED to put this back on me, in the past it would have made ME feel bad, but it's not sticking anymore. He was quiet after that remark.
We went to the funeral, my H's uncle..never knew the man very well..but wished I had after the wonderful service they had for him. H didn't want to go to the dinner after mass, kept saying it wasn't his thing, he didn't want to go, we were almost to the car and I gently grabbed his arm and softly said "come on let's go in" and so we went to dinner. Sometimes you do things not becuase you want to do them, but because it's the right thing to do.
I haven't been to a funeral in quite awhile and with my new found spiriturality, the service had a whole new meaning and it was all I could do to keep myself from sobbing, I choked back many tears. And I never really knew the man.
My H's other aunt/uncle have lost three children and his aunt said to me and SIL "he's (uncle who died) in a better place. At that point H's aunt started crying and said that before her daughter died,(this spring) she had told her she was going to a better place and that she (aunt) wished she could go tomorrow herself..it was so sad.
I can't say about your H, but it sounds like you are really doing a lot of healthy processing and thinking these days.
Self discovery is a good thing, and if nothing else we are doing a lot of that on this journey that we are on. And of course, discovering God's plan for us is the real thing we know.
