Its been a considerably long time since I’ve journaled online…but I’m going to give it a go to make my next point.
For those of you that remember, Thursday and Friday are H’s days with the children. We’re in the middle of a family (his-side) medical crisis right now, so I was unsure if he would be picking them up (from my place of business). I spoke with him about this last night, and he confirmed that he would be here to pick up the children at X time.
Fast-forward to this morning, I have the children here and eating breakfast in the cafeteria, something that has become a ritual for us over the past, gulp, year and a half. So we’re eating, and talking about their day…and I notice that it is 15 minutes after X time and call his cell phone. Am I pissed? Yes…today is a big day for me and I had wanted to get upstairs at a certain time. Since all I seem to do on these Thursday mornings is try to come up with a new plan of action to pick up the children since he was late - AGAIN, I’m going to have to say that he does know timeliness is important to me, as is the respect that it shows.
So, he’s late and I’m hurt/angry/frustrated/stressed. Is this a good situation? Nope. Now, he cannot tell me honestly that he didn’t mean to make me angry. He can’t say that because he knows from prior experience that the action he just took does make me angry. When experience teaches you that something will cause controversy and you choose to make that action – you are also choosing the bad along with the good.
What would have made the situation better was some respect back from him. “I’m terribly sorry Meredith, I know you must feel very disrespected right now. Is there something that I can do now to make things a little easier on you in return for making them difficult this morning?” would have been nice. At the time of such conversation pigs would be soaring by in flocks and snowballs would be flying free in hell and those infamous cows would be opening the door and saying, ‘honey, I’m home!’.
My H is not a wordy person, and so I cannot expect him to atone for a wrong-doing with words. This is not something that is coming easily to me. MY day would go a lot better if I heard those words. It certainly would feel much better than walking out of a cafeteria embarrassed because of my martial situation (parental shift change in the cafeteria is not the norm) and feeling like dirt on his shoe.
Like Pam said, however, at the end of the day I have to like me. It’s icing on the cake if anyone else does. I wouldn’t have liked me if I had screamed at him…deserved or not. Neither would he, and chances are neither would my nosey co-workers. It wasn’t easy to walk out of there this morning. It wasn’t easy not to pull out the points that gd1 made and defend my words. BUT, no one was promised an easy load at the beginning of this DB stuff.
So as I end this post, I’m going to list out what I (I’ll let Pam and Pen speak for themselves) were trying to offer as points to consider. 1. Forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself. No one needs to ask for the gift for it to be given. In fact, it makes it worth all the more when you offer it unasked and humbly. 2. Affairs are not okay. When the happen they are a result of previous actions on the LBS, WAS and OP. 3. I know exactly how LBSs feel…I am one. 4. Venting is different from venom. We all vent…most do it here. BUT, after your rant and rage session are you open to new opinions, ideas, and paths? 5. If you want respect, you must respect. 6. Turning each stage in this process into a positive learning experience can only make you a better person in the end. 7. Not every marriage can be saved, but every heart and soul can be.
Oh, and to answer Myrrh about the minnows…
They’re swimming well, thank you!
D5 began kindergarten, and loves it. There are days when her adult vocabulary (ugh, mommy, you are such a tyrant) can send me laughing or banging my head into a wall, but she is a very insightful and happy little girl. She’s also available on a lease basis to tell anyone like it is.
S2 will actually become such next weekend. But we had the party already so I’ll go ahead and give him the title. He’s a great little guy, when he’s not tormenting his sister! Myrrh, I envy you in the potty training realm, after the fun of picking out a potty chair at Babies R Us he isn’t at all interested
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Guten morgen! (Uh, that's German for good morning )
I'm glad to see all my Friends here posting and in good humor! What a pleasant way to start my day, which already has my stomach in knots and the coffee making me a teensy bit nauseated. I guess I could pour it down the drain, but that nectar is necessary to get me through the day!
A message to Pen, Pam and Mer--no more hiatuses from controversial posts, okay? I enjoy having you guys back because it's not been much fun posting without you. Pam, you're right--we CAN look back to our early posting days and log the progress. I have you guys to thank for many breakthroughs and understanding.
I had also decided I had enough of putting myself out here. But, after our erstwhile Triple J convinced me it was good for me, I reconsidered. So here I am.
I'm still a little reluctant to put my stuff out here after we begin the D process... but I'll figure that out as I go along. I don't expect it to be easy or without tons of sadness. I figure the best place to deal with those feelings is in C... which is something that bears consideration.
Pen, if you DO decide to go on hiatus, please shoot me off an e-mail (do you have my yahoo account?) and we'll keep in touch offline. I want to say that I admire your courage in coming to this BB to learn and understand. It would have been really easy for you to misrepresent yourself, and I appreciate honesty. I have no problems with anyone posting on my thread, as long as they respect me and others.
I've found that the best and most intense teachers are the ones who FORCE us to think outside our box. Instead of fighting it, I am working on embracing that sooner rather than later. It's much more helpful.
Linda, see Nemo and you will get the classification of sharks and fishies... no name calling whatsoever. We're just different species, that's all.
And I'm really proud to say that I have been fish sober for 15 months. Go me!
Glad to see that all our minnows are doing well. Hey, we must be doing SOMETHING right? From the wee ones to the teenagers, they seem to be helping us stay grounded on what is truly important in life.
I got home last night and found Mr. Wonderful sitting at my computer with a glass of wine, fretting about printing out a document that was not working. He's a UNIX guy and not very Windows literate. D10 came to his rescue and we both had to laugh. I had plopped my butt on the recliner next to the computer as he worked and we ended up having a good chat.
D10 was bubbly and happy and was the perfect buffer to our stress. She entertained us with a story about a class effort in creative writing. Man, we were laughing really hard. She's really challenged in 5th grade and her teacher allows NO excuses. I hear reports on her very direct approach with the kids who don't turn homework in time. Well, you'd have to know D10 to understand that she'd rather be tied to a rack and tortured than have her teacher's disapproval. She's kept all her ducks in a line and is even more anal retentive about her organization skills. Her bedroom went from messy to something I am proud of (uh, I'm a neat freak and definitely anal retentive).
D7, is the total opposite. She believes in messes, and the more, the better. Last night (while we were ready for bed and watching Cinderella on VHS), I was on the phone with a friend when she collected her ever loving snow boots and stomped around the place. She found the box of bandaids and proceeded to open every single one of them and leave the strips everywhere (I still can't find the actual bandaids --did she eat them?). The cat was wearing Mardi Gras beads and was coated with saliva. My life is definitely interesting.
On a good note, I decided to wear my black Ralph Lauren dress today--it's hot enough to wear (which I must say, our Denver weather has not been typical this summer) and it's pretty awesome. I walked downstairs wearing this lovely creation and found Mr. Wonderful sitting at the computer once again (doing more golf stuff).
He turned around and I saw him do a double take. I ended up walking into the kitchen to finish putting my stuff together and pour a mug of coffee to go and went back out to answer his questions... he stopped in mid-sentence and said with a look of shock, "Woman, you are a stick! How much weight have you really lost? Cuz you look really good..."
I smiled and said, "Almost 45. And I'm happy to report that I weigh today the same as I did the day we got married."
He sat there with a smirk on his face and said, "Really? Well, you sure looked pretty good then... I remember."
So it's nice that he can say this stuff to me again. And I like hearing nice things. But I might just save this thought for Mr. E., who isn't shy about saying them either. He's a pretty complimentary guy! (Note to me: maybe I'll wear this dress when we go to the theatre next weekend? See if I get a similar reaction?) And I think he's pretty special too, so the feeling is mutual.
I'll be back later after I return from D7's doctor appointment. I've got way too much to do here and I need to get busy.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Don't feel bad, Mer - mine will sit on the potty, but hasn't really done much in it yet. Baby steps, right?
D5 sounds like a precious handful...I am really glad she has you for a mom, Mer.
GD1- That's the first time anyone has ever said "congrats on saving your marriage." I guess I don't think of it that way, because it's only been (omg, Pam is RIGHT - where does the time go!) 5 months since the last big upheaval. My H's and I's relationship has completely changed!
If not for forgiveness, I would definitely not have a marriage right now. There were points where I questioned the wisdom of even trying to forgive, much less saving my marriage. I had to forgive the big things, like OW's, and the small things, like my H's absent-mindedness, habit of being late, and occasional episode of COMPLETE insensitivity (like the day he said a 19-year-old hadn't taken care of her skin and she looked like she was MY age - before you guys decide he is a total jerk, he meant that she looked at least 4 to 5 years older than she did, but that is NOT how I took it).
Forgiveness, especially concerning the infidelity, is a choice I make over and over again. The feelings and the pain are still there, but the anger is not there most of the time. Once in a while it tackles me out of nowhere, and I have to forgive all over again, but it is worth it. I am FINALLY starting to feel like a solid family. I am beginning to feel secure in my marriage, even. Not so much that I take it for granted, or that I don't recognize a need for improvement, but it does feel pretty safe. My H has definitely done some serious growing up, so I don't take credit for all the marriage-saving here.
I love this dialogue on forgiveness! Keep it up, ladies!
Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
A while ago when you posted your weight loss it had been the exact weight of my two-year-old. Today, I find that you have lost the exact weight of my five-year-old! Even if she is a peanut, I find that tremendous, and something that deserves a huge CONGRATULATIONS!!
I also want to thank you for your phone message last night (that, embarrassingly enough, I just listened to this morning). It’s always nice to be missed, and even better to be welcomed back. I am not sure how much I’ll post, and I am definitely done with the “other” thread forever…but I’ll post here when I can.
Uh, what else… OH! Mr. Positivity! I swear you are the perfect picture of a DBer. You worked your butt (maybe not literally like Betsey) to better yourself. I am so thankful for your insight to others to do the same. In the end, it’s about us as individuals, and no one has demonstrated that better than you.
And, of course, GO US
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Ok, Myrrh! Here's to baby steps!! Now for a positive...there's certainly less accidents with him wearing diapers, right?
D5 is a precious handful. Her school may choose to stick with "handful" today since the latest call I got was asking me to work with her at home on the concept of trading. Since she's a pretty generous kid, I couldn't figure this out. Then they explained that she "traded" clothing with two other girls today. Let's hope she outgrows this habit by highschool...at least the during class portion!
I agree wholeheartedly with what you wrote on the forgiveness of infidelity. As we both had to experience this on separate occassions and in different contexts I think that leaves us a lot of room for doubt. It is a daily choice to forgive...and be angry. The feelings may be there for quite some time, but the good news is that they can be managed.
On that note, work is calling...
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Oh, Mer - I am still giggling about D5 trading clothes during class. What a character!
And yes, it is definitely positive that we don't have accidents due to diapers. I don't really know when or how to make the switch from diapers ot pull-ups, or even where to go with potty training from here. I need to go to the library, just to settle the question in my own mind: do I actually "train" him, or just let him naturally learn?
Bubble Baths and Chocolate-Covered Strawberries to all, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I'm back with good news! No surgery for D7... we have a change of meds only. Whew, another bullet dodged.
I'm more than happy to help with potty training questions, given the fact that D7 has been doing it for the past year. Fortunately, this is so way behind me with D10!
I'm happy to report that you get trained, not the kids! You facilitate it by just making sure they go at frequent intervals, but they develop those brain pathways all by themselves. And boys take a little longer.
What you are doing by taking them frequently is teaching them to recognize what it feels like to need to go to the bathroom. Those brain pathways develop as they start to learn the cues. And BTW, expect it to take longer for the nighttime training to occur.
I won't use D7 as an example (especially since she peed in my bed the other night during a very deep sleep--even through the pull ups)... but I do remember it taking D10 an extra 6 months to get that completely finished too. She definitely improved leaps and bounds, but we had an occasional accident during those 5-6 months.
Mr. Wonderful and I really doubted D7 would ever be potty trained. But true to form, she started letting us know when she needed to go by using some sign--you guys have an advantage that your little guys can tell you this.
I recommend using pull ups when you and your boys are ready to tackle the routine with VIGOR. Otherwise, it's confusing to them if you're really not willing to accept all the mistakes and errs in judgment. Make your commitment and then go with it. But pay attention to their readiness before you take on this one.
A good rule of thumb? Their peers are gradually getting there... that seemed to really kick D10 into gear. D7 was motivated as well, because the kids in her class started clapping for her when she made the effort to initiate.
So, go you!
Meredith, thanks for the positive weight feedback. I guess I can consider myself having lost a child or a backpack filled with bricks? Just ask Mr. Positivity, who carried my drunk butt out of an Irish Pub last spring... of course, I will not be giving him a repeat performance so he can distinguish the difference between me now and me then...
Thank goodness, he's a forgiving soul. And it appears that he's sustained no lingering physical disabilities as a result of his decision to lug me around? To my knowledge, he hasn't required a chiropractor.
I need to make a plug for Myrrh, who ran behind him cleaning me up and getting me ready for bed. UGH! What a horrid visual that must have been!
On that note, I sure could use a drink now. But it will have to wait until we get this golf tournament under way. Then I'm going to grab me a bottle of Coors and sit back and sigh with relief that I don't have to do this again for awhile.
Be good!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, you are too cool for school, good for you you deserve to have some fun and I am sure you look stunning in your Ralph Lauren.
Good job on your weight loss I too am down around 75 lbs and back to wher iwas 23 ye=rs ago, I know the W has noticed, cuz I am in the best shape physically in my life and it sounds like you ar eon track too.
Go girl and keep moving forward, thank you sincerely for all your inspiration and heartfelt advice over the last year. At least one Betsey/Betsy appreciates my work
Mr W and W just don't get it, but someone is gonna get lucky and soon.
I'm so sorry that I've only just looked around the board and caught up with the drama over the other forum. Sigh. For what its worth, Pen, your perspective helped me ENORMOUSLY, and I am soo glad you decided to join us here. I'm sorry others were not able to see the gift you bring.
)
--did she eat them?). The cat was wearing Mardi Gras beads and was coated with saliva. My life is definitely interesting.
He's a pretty complimentary guy! (Note to me: maybe I'll wear this dress when we go to the theatre next weekend? See if I get a similar reaction?) And I think he's pretty special too, so the feeling is mutual.
