Wow! A mini DB reunion going on here! Just dropping by to say hiedy ho neighbors!
Pen, I have no idea what you all are talking about, but I do want to say that I enjoyed reading your posts. It didn't matter to me whether you agreed or disagreed. I was just thankful that I could read a truthful reply and that sometimes wasn't the norm.
Its refreshing to know that there are people on this BB who can post their intuitive thoughts and feelings, and not just post to be "one of the many". It courageous to bring a different perspective to those who can't seem to see through the trees, and can't get past all the brush to see that there are happier days ahead.
It doesn't matter to me what people have done in the past. We all have made mistakes and we all have demons and skeletons. I am not a judge nor do I have authority to condemn anyone. I leave that up to God.
This BB does grind on me, on my patience, my forgiveness, my generosity and such. Its weird how a place that is supposed to help those in need tends to gravitate to a place I need to avoid for a while, for various reasons.
I am only glad that those who stay away for a bit, come back from time to time and post their thoughts. Its good to know that there is people out there who care.
And this goes for you, Meredith, Pam, Betsey and all those who are and have posted on this community thread.
Without you all, I would not be in the position I am in.
So thank you. Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
What a sap I am! I was just sitting here looking at Pam’s name across from the title of Betsey’s thread and sniffing because I was remembering the good old days.
Yet, were they? I mean, we were all stuck fast in our muck back then. But we were trying so damn HARD. Analyzing, supporting, journaling – trying to figure these men out and what we could do to make it all right again. Maybe I need Prozac. I definitely need Kleenex.
I’d ask how everyone is, but you’d probably tell me to go read that for myself. I guess that’s the beauty of this public stuff, eh?
Now, Myrrh…I don’t think anyone said that Sting was being a GOOD fishy! I think that ‘better’ was the term used. Kidding, kidding…things are definitely as good as can be expected, and certainly much better than they have been in the past. I suppose that I am gentler, but I won’t say that there haven’t been any chompings. Yet, considerably fewer. How’s that?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Dang you guys! I get back from a hairy Medicaid meeting (where we discussed nighttime criteria and having experience living right now on 3 hours of sleep), only to find my thread in the midst of a love fest!
Boy, is this a welcome sight for me. *Sigh*
I've missed all of you, for crying out loud! Since the name of this thread is aptly put, why don't you guys just dive back in and give us a thumbnail sketch of things?
Ahhhhhh. Life is good once again. And it takes my mind off of golf, D7's sleep disorder, inventory problems here at work, and traffic jams.
(((((Everyone)))))
Now, back to work!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
A THUMBNAIL sketch? Bets, when have you known me to thumbnail anything?
Okay, I’ll try…
Sting, aka H, still is not home. He’s still camping out with his mother the majority of the time. Yet, he has recently enrolled himself back into school and will be working toward a degree in Sales/Marketing. Pam tells me that is a good thing, even though he chose a school by his mother’s house…so we’ll call that a positive.
There has really been a visible effort on his part to be more respectful. I did a lot of soul searching, and found the common denominator that linked the things that bothered me. Respect. When I don’t feel respected, which is often, I go nuts. Now, the age-old question, can you receive respect without giving it? Since I’m guessing ‘no’…the latest experiment is completely respecting his actions, thoughts and ideas. I guess a cross between the five LL’s and validation.
Anyway, it’s working…and in the last R talk he told me that he had thought about coming home twice before but got cold feet. We decided to review the situation in two months time and see where both of us stand. Progress? I’d say so.
What else…new job, same company. Frankly, it sucks. But I’m keeping my chin up and focusing on the positives. Because of the new job, the new degree is on hold. Our busy season is directly in the middle of when finals would be for both semesters, so…for now…that had to be crossed off the list. Instead, I’m using my free time to teach another year of catechism, involve D5 in a 4H club, and start another season of Gymboree with S2.
I’d say I’m pretty busy, and doing well
Who's next?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hi Bets, It's been awhile since I've talked withh you, and with YOUR threads it is always so hard to catch up if you've been away for like a DAY even. I think you must hold some kind of record for number of postings to your posts!!!!
I'm so sorry about the drop outs in the golf tournament. I suppose you could just P/A them to death by sending a cute little card with a POCKET that says: we will miss you so much, but appreciate none the less your generous donation. (and maybe....without your support we could never do the things we do. Thanks and GodBless.) Gee, I am getting the hang of this P/A stuff finally. HA!
I really do think that people would know enough to still contribute their sign up fee, even if they couldn't play in the tournament. I don't play golf but if you ever do a tennis thingie, sign me up!
I was crying reading about you at D7s back to school night. How painful to be able to do nothing but accept that some things just ARE. I do believe in miracles Bets, and I am praying for a breakthrough with Angelman's Syndrome (did I spell that right?)
Dear Pen: I am glad that Meredith and Pamela came to your rescue BUT I'd like to offer a different perspective if I may. I didnt' post over on MLC but I recently read the whole thing. I think this might be a matter of: good intentions can still hurt others instead of a matter of some people being unable to grow or see the other side. I could spend hours explaning, which would bore everyone to death but instead I will try to be concise (not my strength.) From reading here, I understand that Pen was an OW and that she had regrets and started here with somewhat of a mea culpa explanation. But the people on MLC don't know that. Perhaps you were only trying to help some posters who were finding a bit of humor in this horrid and painful situation of being the LBS but the thing is Pen, your comments may have been better accepted had they come from a LBS who had finally found some peace and healing from her life being destroyed or from their Pastor or therapist, than coming from a self-admitted OW. Can you see where your advice might seem very self-serving to the LBS?
Moving on: the comment someone made about the LBS making up names for the OWs and the OWS namecalling the LBS and isn't it all the same thing. Well, I don't think so. If we are calling the WAS the 'prize' then the OW has the prize so why the hell would she be calling his wife names? Didn't she already 'win' the 'prize'? And what does the LBS have left except the destruction of her family, bills, picking up the pieces and trying to help her children deal with a mess NOT of her making, while she's trying at the same time to heal herself? If you haven't been a LBS with an OW involved, then it may be hard to understand what they are going through. And when I say not of her making, I don't mean the LBS is blameless for the problems of the marriage. I mean that in most cases here, the LBS isn't the one who ran away and refused to face the problems and try to solve them.
As for none of us being perfect, I have read volumes of all the women who posted on that site and I can't recall even one of them not admitting to their faults in the marriage. I also believe that we CAN make a committment that we will never get involved with a married man. I made that committment when I was a teenager and I am now 56 and have never once thought of not honoring it....even the guy who sent his private jet to Aspen to pick me up to take me to Mardi Gras....I found out he was not divorced the day before the plane's arrival and it went home empty. I think originally my committment was because I just thought more of myself and expected more from women. Later, I saw the damage that the OW can do to a struggling marriage. I read a book the other day, ironically called "other women'(but it wasn't about adultery, it was about women's Rs with other women)..a fictional therapist character said that it was impossible for the LBS to compete with the consistency and power and number of affirmations that the OW would be giving to the WAS. And I'll probably get slammed here, and probably deserve it, but IMHO, men are weak and they go where they get stroked (pun intended).
So, Pen, I honestly don't believe you intended on hurting the women who were posting there, but I also believe that their comments back were deserved. The truth may be that if these women could forgive the OW that they might sooner be able to heal...I won't dispute that; nor do I beleive that any of them would. But the point that might have been lost (in translation?) is that the truth should never have come from an OW, no matter how repentent the OW is.
Hope I haven't come across as insulting, I really don't think at this point I could take a hammering from you, so it is with some risk that I state my feelings here.
I will add a few things that I have gleaned throughout my personal ordeal. If my X marries or continues his R with the OW, I refuse to have anything to do with her. NOr do I want her in any way in my child's life. If my X marries another woman, then I have no problem (except for I am sure some jealously or envy) with that person, as she is not and was not (in my case) an OW. I forgave my H, even tho he didn't ask to be forgiven. But the whore (and yes, I imagine that will sting, Pen, but I do think of her that way and feel the appelate fits)didn't and hasn't felt any remorse, nor asked to be forgiven. I do pity her, because instead of a prize she has one a very damaged man. And I pity her because I can't imagine how she could have any self-respect (though I grant that I am probably putting my value system onto her). I've had to deal with an OW who sent me a photo of them in bed together, smiling at the camera. I've had to deal with an H who swore on his daughter's life that he wasn't having an affair and a man who then told his daughter that he was upset that she couldnt' be happy for him. I don't think people should be forgiven for these transgressions without their admitting to them and being remorseful, but again, that's just my opinion and the way I live my life. I wouldn't try to tell you how to live yours.
I think you chose the right thing to do by saying you were sorry and leaving that post site and I want to commend you for doing so.
Meredith and Pamela: I think it fine that you were standing for your friend. But somehow it sticks a little in my craw that you came over here and commented that 'some people just can't open their minds and hearts'...First, I think you are wrong in assuming that about them and second, I would like to think that you'd have the same compassion and empathy for them that you have for Pen. These women have lost the most important thing in their lives, their families. and because it was in the MLC thread, it is my impression that most of these women were in 25 year or longer marriages...the loyalties and ties and bonds run deep. Perhaps you can't comprehend the pain that they are suffering; but from personal experience I can tell you that it is worse than a death, much worse. The only thing I can think of that would be worse is the death of a child, and some of these women have suffered that too.
Yes, this board best serves when we all remember that we must offer the same compassion as we hope to receive from others. Yes, at times we are all a bit self centered in our grief and we all tend, at times, to jump to faulty assumptions and categorizations. We all need to learn more about humility, pridefulness and compassion.
Gd1, can I please request that we keep this to the MLC thread and off of Betsey’s? Also, no one is going to ‘hammer’ you for your thoughts. We may choose to dispute them, and I feel that is well within our own right. I’ll take the blame of posting a reply to Pen’s post and linking the other thread for the benefit of Triple J, but I really didn’t intend for this to leak over here.
Betsey, I apologize.
Gd1, I’ll respond to you on the thread that this originated on. It will have to be tomorrow, however, as I have to get my children home.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Meredith, Please don't post a response to my post over on the MLC thread. there are a few reasons why I chose to post here and not post there. I think Pen was doing a good thing when she decided to leave that thread alone....and I also think it was your trying to support her that might have raised the angst levels all around and stirred the hornet's nest.
I think your or even my posting on that thread just further disturbs the peace, and I hope that you might come to the same conclusion...this isn't about a running dialogue of you defending one side and me the other...I was actually trying to mediate here and ask you, perhaps, to see 'the other side' just as you seemed to be asking LBSs to see yours. The comment about being hammered was just because I am having a bad week...and most anything seems to cause me to dissolve into tears. SO, since you would like to respond, but don't want to muck up Bets' thread, why not just email me at : coloradomtgirl@aol.com?
Mer- I refuse to even mention that other thread, because I have been on for a grand total of about 5 minutes today, and it is STILL driving me nuts.
And I am glad you posted a bit of a summary of where you are - my personal fishy is also enrolled in school, and is home - but we all know that things CAN CHANGE AT ANY TIME!!! A Batmobile could swoop him up at any moment! Just kidding Anyway, I am still in IC, although we put our MC on hold because of our weird schedule - my IC suggested today that we might want to schedule a wrap-up session with her, to let her know we're doing okay.
We really are, after a year of separation. We struggle with things like who is going to clean the catbox, instead of things like "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BAD, BAD FISHY!?!"
I'm not chompless, but I do chomp less (wow, that was a groaner). I am learning, and really enjoying my life. We have plans to move in December, and besides fonancial worries, we're doing really well!
So for anyone who did or didn't care to know, that's where I'm at.
To continue the fish analogy until it's just nauseating, how are the minnows, Mer?
And what's up in your life, Pam? Hugs, Myrrh
P.S. I think Sting going to school is a positive in that it might indicate that his priorities are becoming a bit more grown up -that's my thought.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Now, back to work!
Betsey 