I mean that they will not be able to think of anything else other than this amazing change in their wives. I know about the worrying about what God thinks about my unfaithfulness. I just finally told God that I was going to slip sometimes but to not give up on me. He will always be here for us no matter what. Give it to God and if you take it back again just give it back until finally you will realize that you're not taking it back (the stress and worry). God completely understands.
I have just been around reading threads and trying to relax and have pateince. Give it up to the Lord and stop worrying if he is going to go out tomorrow night. Yesterday was my birthday and I got lovely flowers from him, and he is very nice. But I feel tension becuase I feel he is hiding his Saturday night plans from me. There is nothing I can do about but I am still questioning inside my mind and it is no fun! So I will keep up my prayers for me to change and for him to be safe inside our marriage. I so dread the weekends.
Hello, I have been here just not posting as I navigate through the murkey waters of piecing my marriage back together.
Time for some honest truth here: I did not get my issues under controll before he moved back home and each day is a a struggle to not snoop, to have confidence, to lighten up to trust, to not be jealous. Little things set me off, like yesterday I noticed that he hired an extremely attractive girl at his work...now my mind starts all kind of crazy making. It has some to do with OW being so young, working for him for a time (although EA did not officialy start until after she quit) and the fact that all his friends are single guys. They go out after work a couple times a week and also play soccer and go surf too.
I am unsure of how to move on, what my goals should be and how to deal with all these fears that are just below the surface.
What to do about making one's own life while marriage is piecing and things are somewhat tense at home. I don't want to be his wife who stays at home with the kids while he plays. Sounds selfish I know.
I need to work through all these issues. Don't know where to start.
Thanks to all that listen and post I read your threads daily and try to learn from you. I just am doing what I know I should I need to go back to DR and read it again.
How should I add mystery without seeming fake or looking for jealousy...?
Journal... Started back with Bible reading yesterday and with prayer, hope that this helps my ever low MA. Wish it was PMA. I need to start thinking about what works what does not and keep up DBing in that way. It is so asy to get back into bad habits. That has not happened yet, (No crying or breakdowns, no R talk) but I am always aware that it could. So I will kick it in A#@ before it starts. I have been thinking that my whole problem is perspective. If someone else was in my marriage that they would see so much more good than bad. Yet I focus on what "might" happen if he stays out late or runs into OW. This is smething that I must deal with and purge. Much prayer in that direction is needed. That part is still so raw. And much action is needed too (on my part).
What I know works: Being light and not taking things to seriously.
Not feeling sorry for myself or constantly having something wrong with me.
Being Physically active.
Giving him time to be with his buds and not constantly having problems with everytime he goes some place.
Need some 180's...not sure where to start.
Well Except "Get A Life."
Need to work on that. Would be great if I could make some new friends. (H has many new friends through his job, and band and it has helped him personally.
Well I guess that is what I mean, Since he has been home I have not done anything to create mystery. It is almost like nothing ever happened. Except now I notice that we are starting to argue again. He thinks I should lighten up, I think he should be home more...talk about cheeseless tunnels. I know that has to stop. I am not good at difussing the conflicts yet. Sometimes it is his grouchy alien behaivor that causes this and somethimes it is my fear and clinginess. I just don't understand why he has to go out until 2:00am on a Tuesday night. As far as OW I am 100% that is not going on. I don't bring her up at all and this is big 180 because I used to bring her up constantly!
H can see right through my previous tries at mystery as it seems I am trying to make him jealous. Yet at the same time he has a comfort level because I don't go out at night after work like he does because I am with the kids. He works late and the goes out with the dudes after that. I am constantly worried that SHe will show up there...he has promissed in the past that he would leave if she came and there have been positives like he did change his cell number of his own accord and totally out of the blue.
We are grouchy with each other today and it sucks. I am turning on the "as if": right now. But dang if I know how I should have mystery. I know my relationship goals though:
For H to look at me as fun and exciting.
For us to have comfort and not tension in our R.
For there never to be a threat of OW coming back in our sitch. (Umm yeah prob beyond my control)
Am I A mess or what? I just feel at a stand still. My whole goal before was to get him home and now that he is I am floundering!
Quote: I am not good at discussing the conflicts yet.
For right now, don't. You need some time in between him coming hope and those kinds of discussions--right now, you want to make a safe, comfortable environment.
Quote: He thinks I should lighten up, I think he should be home more...
You're both right. He's trying to tell you he doesn't like arguing with you, and you're not listening. You're not meeting his needs, and he's not meeting yours.
First off...try telling him to go out and have fun. I promise it works. Otherwise, he feels like you're not addressing his concerns. Sooner or later, he'll want to spend more time with you. And...if you can, while he's out, you go out, too. Show him your life doesn't hang on him.
Quote: H can see right through my previous tries at mystery as it seems I am trying to make him jealous.
Mystery does not equal jealousy. I personally think that's a bad route to take--just puts everyone on edge. There are lots of easy ways to create mystery. Dye your hair a new color (without telling him first), buy some new clothes and then just where them in front of him, don't be home when he's not (just go to a bookstore if you want). I got a tatoo, and just let H "find" it. Man, was that fun! In other words...you don't have to let him in on every aspect of your life.
You also sound like you need to spend some time just listening and validating his concerns. He's the one who bolted, so you need to take plenty of time to figure out what his needs are. Listen, validate, listen, validate. Try to understand his point of view.
Also, if you don't know it already, try to figure out what his love language is. If you start speaking his LL, that's a sure way to get his attention.
And avoid "more of the same" behavior. It sounds like there is a lot of that going on here!
You are right about the more of the same. Especially when he is out. I am not exagerating when I say that I have full blown panic attacks. Sweating, heart beating rapidly, tremmors the whole deal. And more often than not I find myself calling him. Even at the time I know it is wrong but I am so scared. That is the honest truth.
I see what you say about mystery. I will start today, I am watching for that chance to arise. I have a perfect chance to 180 because he has band practice. I WILL NOT CALL. And maybe I will even go to bed before he comes home. That will shock him for sure.
H's LL I am pretty sure is Touch followed closely by me being able to listen and understand him. (Can't remember which one that one is, I need to llok it up again)
So my one and only goal for today just to get through is not to call him when he is out and to encourage him to have a good time (for real and not fake)this goes against everything in me but I remember that Michelle says that the best 180's feel like that sometimes! I am trying.
In other words...you don't have to let him in on every aspect of your life.